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The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #9: “BULLLLLL-SHIT!”


Alright boys and girls, we’re back with more of the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments in movies!

This time around we’re tackling MANLY moment #9, a MANLY moment that belongs to none other than quite possibly the MANLIEST of all action heroes; Arnold Schwarzenegger.

As any self respecting MAN is aware, MANLY moments are very much the norm in any Arnie movie.

Seriously man, given the chance, Arnold could find a way to make just about anything the fuckin’ MANLIEST shit ever.

Jesus fuck, he even makes chugging a beer look fuckin' awesome...

He was just that fuckin’ MANLY.

During the course of his acting career the man has killed Darth Vader:

Done battle with (and killed the ever-loving fuck out of) intergalactic game hunters:

"Hey, you're that guy from Night Court!"

And even managed to get away with calling THE FUCKING DEVIL a goddamn choir boy:

To say Arnold’s done some pretty MANLY-ASS things over the years would be an understatement akin to saying Steven Seagal’s flipped a lot of fools on their heads.

In other words, it’d be a BIG fuckin’ understatement.

Which begs the question, just what is the MANLIEST moment of Arnold’s illustrious film career?

Well, that’d have to the be when he summoned his MAN-STRENGTH to call “bullshit” on, well, pretty much everything; and then inexplicably whooped the shit out of a curiously overweight Australian at the end of Commando:

Let me go on record by saying that, while it’s far from the best movie in Arnold’s filmography; Commando has probably the highest MAN QUOTIENT of any of his movies.

Commando truly is a “dumb” movie in the sense that it’s plot, dialogue, and overall production values are kind of ratty; however most of this is played to it’s advantage in the form of copious amounts of “violent but not offensive violence,” and an insane number of Arnold-isms throughout.

In short, it’s a big dumb action movie that thrives on being big and dumb.

Which brings me to MANLY moment #9 on our list.

At the end of Commando, Arnold’s John Matrix faces off against a former “colleague” (read: killing buddy) of his named Bennett, who just happens to be holding Arnold’s daughter AKA Alyssa Milano, hostage.

She looks like fuckin' Chucky with those overalls...

While totally bat-shit crazy, and holding a penchant for knives; I’ve gotta’ say, Bennett is just about the least threatening villain I can recall in a Schwarzenegger flick.

I suppose it doesn’t help that half the time the guy looks like he’d sooner jump Arnie’s bones rather than kill him:

Pictured: Bennett's "O" face.

Seriously man, while taller than Arnold, the guy is obviously somewhat out of shape and doesn’t look at all to be a match for Arnold’s Herculean John Matrix.

To make matters worse, the poor guy is obviously kind of sensitive about his weight, as he wears some sort of goofy-ass chainmail getup to try and conceal his love handles.

Think fat kid wearing his shirt to the pool:

Pictured: Bennett, in his formative years.

Top things off with the fact that he looks like a fat Freddie Mercury, and you’ve got yourself one very sad-ass final boss.

Despite all this, thankfully Bennett gives himself a fighting chance by capping Johnny Matrix in his right shoulder just before the final battle.

Sadly, that would prove to be just about the only good move ‘ole Bennett makes in the whole fight.

Using his MANLY powers of psychology, Matrix manages to convince Bennett to let go of Alyssa Milano so that they may knife fight to the death like the MANLY MEN they are.

The fight appears to reach an equilibrium of sorts, as both men receive minor cuts; however one could argue that Bennett pulls ahead at this juncture by attempting the use of scornful finger wagging and black magic:

Despite this, using the MANLY STRENGTH of his willpower, Johnny Matrix manages to power through the effects of Bennett’s evil spell and push the big Aussie off the fuckin’ catwalk.

Unfortunately however, his MAN STRENGTH proves to be too great, thereby causing him fall off alongside Bennett:

After their fall, the knives are discarded; and things really start to heat up.

In classic villain fashion, Bennett makes use of a conveniently placed pipe to try and press an advantage over Matrix.

Courageously/dumbly fighting unarmed and without the use of his right arm, Arnold manages to stay in the fight, landing pot shots when able, and generally doing well to counter most of Bennett big swings.

Hell, one-armed or not, Arnie even manages to ape Steven Seagal by busting out an awkward hip toss of sorts:

Despite the awesomeness of that maneuver however, it would seem it wasn’t all that damaging; as Bennett manages to bounce back almost immediately.

Utilizing a nearby furnace door, Bennett whacks Matrix in the nose by opening it ala Tom and Jerry then proceeds to tear it off it’s hinges and chuck it at our hero.

Despite missing by a fuckin’ country mile, this maneuver allows Bennett the time to pick up another pipe from the floor, with which he proceeds to go to town on Matrix’s stomach and flanks.

Did I mention that during all of this, Bennett still looks like he want to mount Matrix something fierce?:

Pictured: Bennett's "O" face Mk. II

I’m not gonna’ lie, Arnold takes a helluva’ beating during this sequence.

After sustaining an absurd number of pipe shots to the torso, Arnold manages to land a desperation kick to… somewhere on Bennett’s person, thereby freeing our hero and allowing him to stand up once again.

I call the kick an act of “desperation” not just because of the nasty circumstances during which it was employed, but because kicking is just something Arnold doesn’t do.

The man is shaped like a fuckin’ upside down PYRAMID OF POWER, kicking is not one of his strong suits.

Van-Damme he is not.

Anyway, from there the fight devolves into one of those awkward struggling/wrestling matches that suck all the momentum out of fight sequences.

Long story short, Bennett opened the furnace earlier, both guys almost get put into said furnace; and much grunting and sweating ensues, likely to Bennett’s pleasure.

Jesus fuck, man! How many times is he gonna' do that!?

Likely growing weary of being in such close proximity to a dark magician/child molester like Bennett, Matrix creates some distance with a strategically placed headbutt followed by a left hook to the jaw.

While Johnny Matrix indeed succeeds in gaining some breathing room with this maneuver, unfortunately he makes the mistake of knocking Bennett into the power grid, shooting thousands of volts through the big Aussie’s chainmailed form:

"You fool! Electricity gives him power!"

Now, ordinarily this would put a motherfucker to sleep like no other, but not ‘ole Bennett.

You see Bennett, like King Kong in King Kong vs. Godzilla, actually gains strength from electrocution.

Unfortunately, Matrix clearly was not aware of this fact, and is thusly caught completely off guard by the immediate and hellacious counter-attack that follows.

Totally helpless, Matrix takes blow after blow, not the least of which being the dreaded “double axe-handle to the man boob”:

Following this, Bennett declares himself to be “feeling good,” thereby solidifying his dominance at this late stage in the fight.

Pummeling away at Matrix’s back with fists and elbows, Bennett continues to pour on the verbal abuse to John’s MANHOOD.

“Your’e a dead man John!”

With those words, whatever weakness may have remained in John Matrix’s soul burned away to cinders, leaving only MANLY MAN-NESS in their wake.

With those words, John Matrix summoned the mightiest of MANLY words from deep within himself, channeling the MANLIEST of MAN spirits in the process:

The rest is, as they say, history; as John Matrix spins around and proceeds to whoop the everloving-fuck out of Bennett.

Using only ONE HAND Matrix unleashes a 13-hit Ultra Combo of hooks and backhands that sends Bennett reeling.

Lacking the strength to employ any more magic spells or electrical attacks, Bennett; in a final act of villainous cowardice, draws a micro uzi and makes a move to blast Matrix’s nuts off.

Improvising in a manner that could only be referred to as MANLY-AS-FUCK, Matrix then promptly rips a steam pipe off the wall and throws it into Bennett’s rotund form:

If that’s not the 9th MANLIEST moment ever, I don’t know what is.

Check back tomorrow for MANLY moment #8!

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Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Top 10 Manliest Man Moments, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What’s Up With Lego’s These Days?

I pride myself on maintaining this blog as a source of entertainment.

This blog is not a journalistic venue, nor is it an online diary where I share my poetry and sad song lyrics.

Seriously, I can’t stand that self-important bullshit

 

 

Though sadly, that's all this man/woman/Crying Game canditate knows...

 

Anyway, despite my mission statement for this blog, tonight I feel the need to bring up something that’s been irking me for some time now:

What the fuck is up with Lego’s these days?

Everywhere I look, there’s fuckin’ “theme” Lego boxsets based on all sorts of mainstream pop-culture properties.

We’ve got Batman Legos.

 

 

Sweet Jesus...

 

We’ve got Harry Potter Legos.

 

 

*Gasp!* He's not yellow!

 

And you better believe we’ve got every George “Control Freak” Lucas franchise imaginable in Lego form.

 

...Including George Lucas himself!

 

Not only that, we’ve also got videogames based, not just on the original source material; but specifically the Lego version of said intellectual properties.

 

 

... I don't get it.

 

Just what the fuck happened that made Legos so fuckin’ bankable?

In my day, Legos came in theme boxes, like “space Legos,” or “pirate Legos,” or in the later stages of my youth, crazy shit like “deep sea mining Legos vs. deep sea pirate legos.”

Despite a handful of specialized pieces, like the parts to make the sharks or crocodiles, or the various transparent parts for the space guys, none of these theme boxes ever came with unique parts.

Honestly, I think that’s the aspect of the whole “Legos of all of your favorite mainstream pop-culture icons!” deal.

It’s not the fact that the dirty Danes sitting on the Lego franchise are obviously making bank off of kids and fanboys buying up all of their Harry Potter and Star Wars memorabilia.

It’s the simple fact that, in recreating all of these pre-established characters and settings, they’ve gone ahead and made unique parts too accomodate said specific intellectual properties.

You know what my favorite part about Legos was as a kid?

Opening up my box of random pieces and taking shit like Play-Doe, and Magic Markers to them so I could make my own shit, my way.

Say I wanted to make a fuckin’ Darth Vader Lego man back in the day.

I would have to find the standard pieces that matched the character best, and then use my imagination to find a way to make my own Darth.

Nowadays, kids get handed a box of Legos, and they’re no longer handed a box of possibilities, they’re handed a box with Darth Vader, Harry Potter, and fuckin’ Batman, already pre-painted and pre-sculpted.

Shit, you as well be selling action figures, or model kits when you look at it that way.

Really fuckin’ blocky, and jaundice infected action figures, but action figures nonetheless…

Legos were always about giving kids a blank slate to let kids explore their imaginations in a constructive fashion.

Like giving a kid a slab of butcher paper and some crayons.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just overreacting and not having enough faith in the youths of today.

I guess if I look on the bright side of things, Lego box sets, not matter how “Lucas-ified” or “Potter-ized” they may be, still come with a hefty supply of standard Lego pieces.

Hopefully there’s kids out there that take time to put aside the shiny plastic-y goodness of their Harry Potter Lego men and take a moment to appreciate the fun that can be had when taking 2 random blocks and putting them together…Without the aid of an instruction manual.

*Apologies, malware is still tearing my computer a new asshole, so I had to use dad’s for the last half of the post, hence the lack of pictures and hyperlinks.*

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

MASSIVE Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend, Part IV

Welcome back everyone, to the fourth and final part of my MASSIVE Scene-By-Scene Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!

Yesterday, things were looking up for our heroes, as we were treated to our first glimpse of the awesome power of Ultraman Zero!

What evil tricks does Ultraman Belial have up his sleeve for our awesome new hero?

Read on to find out!

Let me begin by saying this: Kudos to the people over at Tsuburaya for not fucking up by having Zero fail to live up to his hype.

He does.

And he does it well.

Too well in fact.

You remember in Dragonball Z movie 12 when Goku and Vejita fused into Gojita and flattened Janenba inside of a minute?

Okay, maybe you don't. I do though, so fuck you.

Well, that was awesome because we spent half of the movie waiting for the fusion to happen, and when it finally did, we were treated to the arrival of a character so powerful that he pretty much turned the whole power level spectrum upside down.

Ultraman Zero on the other hand, gives the same impression of being overwhelmingly powerful, but we spend 10 minutes watching him be awesome.

10 minutes is an eternity when dealing with awesomeness.

As was the case in populating a movie with, literally, over a hundred unique monsters, sometimes less is more.

Anyway, personal objections aside, Zero cleans house in epic fashion, taking out all the monsters, and pwning Belial like a little bitch without so much as breaking a sweat.

"SHIENKYAKU!" Brownie points to all those that recognize the reference!

Eventually, Zero blasts Belial with possibly the pimpest Ultra finisher in franchise history, sending him into a volcanic ravine.

You would think that would be the end of the battle, but being as this is an Ultraman movie, Belial decides to come back for one more round by combining the fallen souls of his 100 bitches into a single massive, rod-puppet controlled body.

So rubbery... So very rubbery...

With the arrival of this most impressive super monster, Ultraman Leo and Astra finally decide to show up.

No sign of Ultraman King though, lazy bastard.

Everyone jumps into battle against the largely immobile super monster, launching their respective trademark attacks, and unfortunately inflicting little to no damage in the process.

Oh yeah, you know Dyna tried to put it in his mouth. However, even a dick licker like Dyna couldn’t fit 100 cocks in there at once…

Just when things start to look grim for our heroes, Rei gets the bright idea to use his Battle Nizer to take control of the still functioning Pimp Cane that Belial dropped in his battle with Ultraman Zero.

Apparently, this is what it takes to steal internet from Comcast these days...

Sure enough, the plan works beautifully, and the super monster is thrown into spasms and seizures, as the 100 monsters comprising it’s body begin to rebel against it.

Ultraman Zero approaches the Ultra Spark, (yup, it hasn’t moved since Belial planted it in the ground almost an hour ago) and uses it’s power to transform his twin Eye Sluggers into one of those Klingon blade thingies.

Yeah, this time YOU know what it is, not me. Fuckin' Star Trek, bein' all complicated n'shit...

Following this, Ultraman orders everyone to, you guessed it, use their trademark attacks to distract Belial (he’s mounted atop the super monster’s head) and the monsters so Zero can land the killing blow.

From a distance it almost looks like the end of Ghostbusters...

Cue epic explosion:

Sorry, no George Lucas Special Edition "Vertical Rings" though. Maybe in 20 years.

With that, Belial is finally defeated, and peace restored to the universe.

Ultraman Zero returns the Ultra Spark to it’s rightful place, thereby redeeming his past wrongdoings and freeing the Ultra homeworld from it’s icy state.

"Okay Taro, you can have your ice cream back."

Asuka and the ZAP crew are invited back to the Ultra homeworld for “thank you’s” and mutual, emphatic nodding.

Unfortunately, they aren’t allowed to tour the planet, as apparently the radiation of the Ultra Spark will, well, kill them.

Dyna escorts Rei and the humans back home, and then Ultra King brings our film to an end with a nifty little speech that isn’t all that dissimilar from the one at the end of Starship Troopers.

"They'll fight, and they'll win! Join the Mobile Infantry today! Would you like to know more?"

Oh yeah, and then there’s a last minute reveal where we find out Belial’s still alive and will likely show up whatever Ultra whatsit they decide to follow this movie up with…

But you wouldn’t care about that.

Hope you enjoyed the experience of READING a plotless movie, I know I did.

Hopefully, I’ll never do something like this again, don’t think my brain can take the stress…

Until tomorrow folks!  See you later!

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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