So….. My brother and I randomly sat down to try our hand at a podcast!
Sadly, I think I derailed some of the finer points he was trying to make, but oh well, it was fun to make.
Here’s hoping we do it again sometime!
February 27, 2015 • 4:21 PM 2
So….. My brother and I randomly sat down to try our hand at a podcast!
Sadly, I think I derailed some of the finer points he was trying to make, but oh well, it was fun to make.
Here’s hoping we do it again sometime!
October 18, 2011 • 7:05 PM 2
It’s been more than 5 years now, but Garo is finally back on Japanese television!
For those who are unaware, (and I know there are lots of you) Garo was a tokusatsu series that came out back in 2005.
In many ways, you could call 2005 my own personal perfect storm of dorky self-discovery.
That being said, I think a lot of what got me to start following tokusatsu shows again, was the superb level of quality that many of the shows around the mid-2000’s represented.
In my eyes, other than the older shows like Ultraseven, Ultraman has never been as good as it was with Nexus.
That being said, as much as I loved these shows at the time, in my eyes it was a brand new series, Garo; that represented the cream of the crop.
Boasting superior production values, a more serious tone, a strong cast, and a surprisingly deep universe; Garo was the show that kept me coming back to tokusatsu despite several consecutive years of less than stellar programming.
*Sigh* Few shows excelled in the realm of suck-age and melodrama than did Ultraseven X…
I think a large part of what made Garo so special, was the fact that it was the product of director/writer/artist Keita Amemiya’s truly wondrous imagination.
Over the years I’ve seen nearly all of Amemiya’s movies, and while many of them are poorly scripted and acted, the man’s art design remains some of my favorite in all of film.
I’ve always said, if there was one director I’d like to see be given a chance to work with a Hollywood budget, it’d have to be Keita Amemiya.
That being said, Garo represented a rare occasion wherein the script, costuming, and effects all came together exceptionally well.
The characters were memorable and arched very nicely, and unlike many tokusatsu shows that run out of steam later in the series, the 25 episode length proved to be just about perfect, even if the last episode turned out to be 30 minutes of pure action.
Not that I have a problem with that sort of thing.
In the intervening years since Garo wrapped, a pair of movies have been released, but no series was announced until a few months ago.
The first of these movies, the 2007 Beast of the White Night, stands as perhaps the crowning achievement of the franchise.
It’s action-packed, accessible, concise, exceptionally imaginative in terms of effects and stunt work.
The second movie, the 2010 3D film Red Requiem, is currently on my hard drive, though I have yet to watch it.
I’ve heard it’s kind of a misstep when compared to the level of quality yielded by everything that’s come before it,
When everything else in the franchise is nothing short of “excellent” though, I’d be curious to see what a “misstep” looks like.
That being said, as of a few weeks ago, Garo has returned to Japanese television in the form of Garo Makai Senki AKA Garo Supernatural Chronicles.
I’ve only watched the first episode so far, but it appears the series is on track for greatness once again.
The original Garo hit it’s stride for me around episode 7, and then only continued to get better from there, especially in episode 9 when they finally gave the character a bad-ass theme song… And a horse:
So far Makai Senki is a little on the slow side, definitely making more use of the horror elements in it’s storytelling than the action, but time will tell if it ascends in quality from here or not.
Regardless, I’m just glad Garo’s back, as now I finally have something to fill the tokusatsu gap in my life.
I gave up on Kamen Rider after Den-Ou on account of every show sucking balls after that.
I gave up on Ultraman ’cause frankly, they don’t make Ultraman shows anymore, just silly, over-budgeted movies.
I never gave up on Garo though, so here’s hoping they didn’t give up on me.
July 8, 2011 • 8:12 PM 5
I’m a lover of movie scores.
Something about the way movie soundtracks are arranged just makes the music stand out to me as something special.
I’ve always liked the “big” sound of an orchestra, but the one reason I rarely listen to classical music; is because I have trouble drawing emotion from it.
Movie soundtracks are typically composed with the intent of harmonizing with the visuals they accompany, and in many cases; one simply would not be the same without the other.
I’ve always made it a point to pay attention to the music in films, and doing so has resulted in me seeking out a vast library of movie soundtracks.
Seeing as this is me we’re talking about, it should come as no surprise that the vast majority of these soundtracks are dumb action movies, kung fu movies, and/or old cartoons.
Nerd-gasm aside, while it’s hardly the best soundtrack I’ve ever heard, I feel I need to point out that, from the 14 minute sample I’ve heard of it; Captain America The First Avenger sounds pretty damn good so far.
Composed by industry legend Alan Silvestri, the Captain America soundtrack makes great use of his signature sound, both old and new.
On the “old” front, Captain America has some marches and cadences that borrow somewhat from Silvestri’s work on Predator, while the “new” aspect of the music, primarily the more uppity synthesized segments; draws comparisons to the composer’s work on Van Helsing.
Yes, I am aware Van Helsing was an epicly shitty movie; however few can deny the soundtrack had it’s moments.
The movie, sadly; did not.
Boasting a bombastic, and appropriately militaristic feel; the soundtrack sports Silvestri’s trademark heavy brass, but also makes subtle use of synthesizers; such that end result feels very much like a period piece, but with the energy of a modern summer blockbuster.
The 14 minute sample I was fortunate to get a chance to listen to contained several arrangements of a few different cues, one that I feel comfortable assuming was one of the central themes of the film; and one that had to have been an action cue.
Curiously enough, parts of it feel kind of like The A-Team theme, (minus the BADASS electric guitar solo) which Alan Silvestri recently remixed for the feature film adaptation:
Really now, did I seriously need an excuse to embed that clip?
Didn’t think so.
Anyway, truth be told the “theme” feels kind of weak when compared to the greats of the past, however it’s far stronger than Patrick Doyle’s work on Thor, which in my eyes was one of the summer’s biggest missed opportunities for producing a great action movie soundtrack.
That’s not to say the Captain America “theme” is all that great, it’s not; it’s merely good.
I think it’s biggest weakness is that it comes across as somewhat generic, largely because it’s “militaristic feel” overshadows the fact that it’s supposed to be the theme music for an individual.
When I listen to the “theme,” I get images of Americana and WWII stuff, but sadly I don’t get any pictures of Cap’ wearing his goofy blue costume.
Not that I have any idea of how one would compose music to convey such imagery in the first place.
Wow, that brought back some memories… Mostly bad.
Moving on, the action cue from the sample was actually quite good.
Energetic and colorful, the action cue feels like a mix between Silvestri’s great work on Beowulf, (minus the overbearing choir) and his equally great work on The Mummy Returns; however composed at a much faster clip.
Truth be told, the cadence of the music leads me to believe part of it was arranged with the train sequence from the trailer in mind; however I could be, and likely am wrong on that.
In any case, I like what I’ve heard thus far, and truly hope the movie ends up yielding a similar reaction from me when I finally get to see it next month.
Post a comment if you’d like a download link to the Captain America sample soundtrack!
January 9, 2011 • 9:21 PM 0
Remember how I poked fun at it’s paper-thin plot and absurd action-to-dialogue ratio?
Well, as fate would have it, Mega Monster Battle just got a theatrical sequel, and near as I can tell; it’s a helluva’ lot better than it’s predecessor.
Despite tokusatsu film’s tendency to seem phoned-in when it comes to film adaptations of TV series, (especially in regards to sequels) I can honestly say that, even at a glance; the production art and character designs for Ultraman Zero had a level of investment and detail to them that suggest a lot of care was put into the project.
While Mega Monster Battle made use of Tsuburaya’s extensive collection of monster suits previously used in their Ultra Galaxy TV series, I was surprised to note a staggering number unique characters and costumes featured in the promotional material for Ultraman Zero.
In a clever homage to some of the older and more obscure characters in their extensive production history, several of the new hero characters are intentionally designed to resemble said characters.
Combine this, with the director of Ultraman Nexus, (my favorite series) even better effects work, and composer Kenji Kawai, and you have the makings of an Ultra film that I’m proud to be looking forward to seeing.
So what if the acting is shit?
So what if the live-action sets look hokie and cheap?
As long as the movie is competently put together and has an ounce of the spirit that makes Ultraman so special, (as well as a awesome fight here and there) I’ll gladly pony up to see this one.
October 23, 2010 • 9:51 PM 0
In light of my ongoing blood feud with my virus infected laptop, I figured it would be a good idea for me to take the time type up an article (or 2) regarding a therapeutic topic.
In this case, said topic would be songs that keep me from stabbing people AKA songs that, for whatever reason; make me feel happy.
Being as I am indeed an Azn Badger, with relatively Azn interests; much of my song library consists of Azn tunes.
That being said, I foresee this post being part of a series, so I’ve thusly labeled this one the “Japanese Edition” of this particular Top 5 list.
Anyway, the only requirements for entry on this list, are that the track must indeed be a song; meaning it must have lyrics, and in this case, it must also be Japanese.
Expect other versions of this post for the next couple of days.
Apologies in advance to those that truly don’t give a shit about music, much less of the Azn variety…
Anyway, let’s make with the list!:
*PLEASE NOTE, I DID NOT WATCH ANY OF THE VIDEOS BELOW, SO DON’T COMPLAIN TO ME IF THEY’RE OBNOXIOUS, STUPID, ANNOYING, OR ALL OF THE ABOVE.*
That’s right folks, #5 on my list of Japanese songs that keep me from stabbing people is the opening song from My Neighbor Totoro.
Honestly though, you can’t mention “happy” without including Totoro, can you?
This song brought me much joy as a child, both in English and Japanese, and it continues to put a smile on my face to this day.
Hell, being as it’s written for kids, it’s one of the few songs on this list that I can actually understand 100% of.
Azumi Inoue has a wonderfully sweet voice that’s perfectly suited for the Blue’s Clues-y, Wiggles-esque, sugar-coated pre-schooler nursery rhyme feel of the song.
The only other song I’ve heard her perform was Chiisa Na Inori (Tiny Prayer) from the Guyver Image Album, (yeah, I actually went and bought it…) and I’ve gotta’ say, the woman’s got some pipes.
Not necessarily of the “strong” or “booming” variety, but I think “sweet” describes her sound pretty well.
DISCO POP = FUCK YES.
Yume De Aeta Nara was a song featured in the first film in the Kamen Rider Den-Ou series.
Around the time the movie came out, I was knees deep in my own personal period of “Tokusatsu Revival.”
Just a year or 2 before, I had rediscovered Ultraman and Kamen Rider; and so when the movie came out, I was really fuckin’ excited.
Like, REALLY excited.
Anyway, while Den-Ou was perhaps one of the best Tokusatsu series I can recall, the first movie of course turned out to be kind of “meh,” leaving me with a sour taste in my mouth until fairly recently when the Den-Ou franchise miraculously resurfaced.
That’s a story for another day though…
So anyway, the movie sucked, but the one awesome thing I took away from it, was this song, Yume De Aeta Nara, by 175R.
I’ve never heard any other songs by the group, but honestly I don’t feel I need to, as this one has since provided me with more than enough enjoyment.
Like I said man, disco pop is THE SHIT.
When it comes to making an Azn Badger happy, few things do it better than a disco beat and nostalgic ties to Kamen Rider.
Tiger Mask is the fuckin’ MAN.
Initially starting as a manga, and then later serving as the inspiration for countless videogame characters, an anime series (or 2), and even a legacy of real-life pro-wrestlers, Tiger Mask is brilliant to the point in which I’m actually jealous that I didn’t come up with the idea.
Really, I ask you, who the fuck wouldn’t enjoy a story about a man in a tiger mask wrestling the shit out of dudes, while protecting the children of the world from an evil Illuminati-esque organization?
Anyway, the song I chose for this list comes from the 1980’s anime series, and as such, it’s sound bears the remnants of the enka style of vocalization that was popular in the post-war period.
By the way, enka is THE SHIT.
That being said, the enka style of the lyrics, combined with the almost spaghetti western-like music, make for a wonderfully cheesy and over-the-top theme song to a cheesy and over-the-top hero.
By the way, I should’ve included this song on my list of ways I keep sane at work; ’cause I have a tendency to sing it when I’m on the shipping line…
I’m not retarded.
Oh B’z, how the fuck did I live without you?
Seriously, B’z is a Japanese band that’s been around FOREVER, but me being me, I didn’t find out about them until 2004 when their lead guitarist, Tak Matsumoto; composed the soundtrack for the movie Ultraman: The Next.
Come to think of it though, news of stupid-ass movies about dudes in rubber monster suits duking it out seems to be how I get most of my news from Japan, so I guess that makes a fair amount of sense…
Anyway, I was really impressed with the soundtrack for that movie, (another one that I eventually bought) so I looked up the composer, which led me to B’z, which led me to finding a mega-awesome band that I hope will continue being awesome for years to come.
My Lonely Town is an unbelievably awesome song from B’z(‘s?) most recent album, Magic.
When I first put this song on, I was reading the Wolverine comic, Old Man Logan; and I gotta’ tell yah’, it just fit too fuckin’ well.
Seriously, My Lonely Town has a big, loud, Bon Jovi-esque rock sound to it, but at the same time it also has some amazing string work that gives it an epic, again, almost spaghetti Western-like feel.
It was a brilliant case of right song, right book, right time.
This one is special.
I can’t really put my finger on it why, but for whatever reason; Let It Go has been my favorite song for almost a year now.
I don’t have “favorite” songs.
I have songs I like, but never “favorites.”
This song is one of the few exceptions I can name off the top of my head.
Songs from Transformers: The Movie and the Rocky series don’t count, ’cause those are built in.
Seriously, I didn’t “choose” to love those songs, they chose me.
*Ahem!* Anyway, Let It Go is sung by Yuna Ito.
While it lends no credence as to why I like the song so much, it’s interesting to note that she’s a hapa girl.
That is, she’s half Korean, half Japanese, raised in Honolulu.
Way to represent the local people… By leaving the country and making music in a foreign country.
All kidding aside, while the music is definitely the biggest selling point for me in this song, with it’s beautiful, and surprisingly almost country-esque string work coupled with an unrelentingly upbeat tune, I have to say Ms. Ito’s voice is pretty fuckin’ good.
I’ve never really paid much attention to vocals in songs.
Like I’ve said in previous posts, I was a “hummer” as a kid; and thusly kept music in my head rather than songs.
That is to say, while the other kids annoyed their parents by singing “Under the Sea” at the top of their lungs everyday, I was busy pissing off my folks by incessantly humming music from Snow Bros. and Mega Man 2.
I can’t explain it, but for some reason I have a lot of trouble understanding the lyrics to songs, regardless of language.
Despite this, from what I know of Japanese pop music, Yuna Ito is a rare talent.
Near as I can tell, most Jpop stars are, like our own American ones, studio musicians I.E. pretty people that can do just enough of everything to appeal to the core demographic.
They have flat voices, and more often than not; hide behind backup dancers, high production value music and voice modulation.
Ms. Ito, while most likely guilty of all of the above, actually seems to have a genuinely strong singing voice.
While I’m probably wrong, my first thought process was that it may be a cultural difference.
She may be fluent in Japanese, and indeed have lived there most of her life for all I know, but being raised in Hawaii, as an American; would most likely lend some boldness to her style of singing.
It seemed to be the case for Utada Hikaru, who was from New York; so I don’t exactly feel dumb for making this assumption.
Anyway, if ever the Azn Badger seems primed for a stabbing session, just remember to put on Let It Go, or any of the above mentioned Japanese songs, and chances are you’ll be just fine.
Don’t quote me on that though.
July 22, 2010 • 11:59 AM 1
First thing’s first, it needs to be said that Mega Man 3 has one of the best soundtracks in all of gaming.
Not only that, but it’s Title Theme is MY FAVORITE track of the NES era.
That’s right, not The Moon from Ducktales,
not the Super Mario Bros. theme,
but the Title Theme for Mega Man 3.
Give it a listen:
That business aside, Mega Man 3 was a truly awesome Mega Man game.
I mentioned yesterday that I’m still on the fence as to whether I like Mega Man 2 or 3 best, however I’ve found that as I’ve grown older I tend to favor 3 just a little bit more.
The game introduced several new features that would go on to become staples of the series.
The pair didn’t really add much in terms of gameplay, other than serving as a lame miniboss
and replacement for the numbered gadgets of the previous game respectively,
however their addition to the series canon personalized, and added character to a roster of characters that was actually pretty slim for the time.
More importantly however, Mega Man 3 gave us the slide maneuver.
While the slide has since been removed in those goddamn fuckin’ DLC games, I always found it to be a wonderful addition Mega Man’s limited repertoire of moves.
It expanded the level design by allowing you to enter narrow passages.
It sped up the pace of the gameplay due to your ability to progress faster through the stages.
It allowed the bosses patterns to be more aggressive, as you now had the ability to dodge quickly.
In all, it was a great innovation that changed Mega Man forever… Or at least until the DLC games.
That’s enough Blue Bomber cock-sucking though, let’s get down to who’s The Best MAN!
That would have to be:
This one was almost a 3-way tie.
However, by MANdate of MAN-law, there can only be one Best MAN, and that just happens to be Snake Man
As a kid, Gemini Man was my favorite, hands down.
Remember that Bubble Man helmet I had my mom make for me way back when?
Well, I also wanted her to make me a Gemini Man one.
I never got that helmet, but even so, I still loved Gemini Man.
He had great background music,
a neat fighting style, and probably the pimpest weapon in Mega Man 3: The Gemini Laser.
Next to Gemini Man, Shadow Man was a close favorite as well.
I don’t really buy into the whole “he’s awesome ’cause he’s a ninja thing,” however I find that his character, trademark shuriken weapon, and crazy stage made him standout nonetheless.
Don’t laugh at ninjas and Jesus just “because.”
YOU’RE LETTING THEM WIN.
Finally, we come to Snake Man.
Amongst the 3, Snake Man stands out as perhaps the most iconic design.
He’s got the crazy snake helmet, with the distinctive ponytail-like portion of the snake sticking out behind him.
He’s got a gimmicky weapon that travels across the floor and just happens to be vital to beating the game.
On top of that, his stage is wonderfully designed, with good, but not great, background music.
Also, the actual fight with Snake Man is pretty intense, largely due to the tiered nature of his arena.
In my eyes, Snake Man is the tortoise to the hares that are Shadow Man and Gemini Man.
He may not be the flashiest, he’s certainly not a ninja, but for some utterly intangible reason, he’s The Best MAN in Mega Man 3.
By the way, the best stage music in Mega Man 3 is Spark Man’s stage:
May 12, 2010 • 11:24 AM 0
Welcome back everyone, to the fourth and final part of my MASSIVE Scene-By-Scene Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!
Yesterday, things were looking up for our heroes, as we were treated to our first glimpse of the awesome power of Ultraman Zero!
What evil tricks does Ultraman Belial have up his sleeve for our awesome new hero?
Read on to find out!
Let me begin by saying this: Kudos to the people over at Tsuburaya for not fucking up by having Zero fail to live up to his hype.
And he does it well.
Too well in fact.
Well, that was awesome because we spent half of the movie waiting for the fusion to happen, and when it finally did, we were treated to the arrival of a character so powerful that he pretty much turned the whole power level spectrum upside down.
Ultraman Zero on the other hand, gives the same impression of being overwhelmingly powerful, but we spend 10 minutes watching him be awesome.
10 minutes is an eternity when dealing with awesomeness.
As was the case in populating a movie with, literally, over a hundred unique monsters, sometimes less is more.
Anyway, personal objections aside, Zero cleans house in epic fashion, taking out all the monsters, and pwning Belial like a little bitch without so much as breaking a sweat.
Eventually, Zero blasts Belial with possibly the pimpest Ultra finisher in franchise history, sending him into a volcanic ravine.
You would think that would be the end of the battle, but being as this is an Ultraman movie, Belial decides to come back for one more round by combining the fallen souls of his 100 bitches into a single massive, rod-puppet controlled body.
With the arrival of this most impressive super monster, Ultraman Leo and Astra finally decide to show up.
No sign of Ultraman King though, lazy bastard.
Everyone jumps into battle against the largely immobile super monster, launching their respective trademark attacks, and unfortunately inflicting little to no damage in the process.
Oh yeah, you know Dyna tried to put it in his mouth. However, even a dick licker like Dyna couldn’t fit 100 cocks in there at once…
Just when things start to look grim for our heroes, Rei gets the bright idea to use his Battle Nizer to take control of the still functioning Pimp Cane that Belial dropped in his battle with Ultraman Zero.
Sure enough, the plan works beautifully, and the super monster is thrown into spasms and seizures, as the 100 monsters comprising it’s body begin to rebel against it.
Ultraman Zero approaches the Ultra Spark, (yup, it hasn’t moved since Belial planted it in the ground almost an hour ago) and uses it’s power to transform his twin Eye Sluggers into one of those Klingon blade thingies.
Following this, Ultraman orders everyone to, you guessed it, use their trademark attacks to distract Belial (he’s mounted atop the super monster’s head) and the monsters so Zero can land the killing blow.
Cue epic explosion:
With that, Belial is finally defeated, and peace restored to the universe.
Ultraman Zero returns the Ultra Spark to it’s rightful place, thereby redeeming his past wrongdoings and freeing the Ultra homeworld from it’s icy state.
Asuka and the ZAP crew are invited back to the Ultra homeworld for “thank you’s” and mutual, emphatic nodding.
Unfortunately, they aren’t allowed to tour the planet, as apparently the radiation of the Ultra Spark will, well, kill them.
Dyna escorts Rei and the humans back home, and then Ultra King brings our film to an end with a nifty little speech that isn’t all that dissimilar from the one at the end of Starship Troopers.
Oh yeah, and then there’s a last minute reveal where we find out Belial’s still alive and will likely show up whatever Ultra whatsit they decide to follow this movie up with…
But you wouldn’t care about that.
May 11, 2010 • 10:45 AM 2
Welcome back everyone!
Where we last left our heroes, they were fighting for their lives at the Space Graveyard against the evil Ultraman Belial’s army of 100 monsters!
How will they make it out of this one? Read on to find out!
Some time during the “Mega Monster Battle,” the movie takes a break to check on the ZAP crew, and what they’ve been up to all this time.
Turns out, they’ve been sittin’ around with their thumbs up their butts.
In fact, despite all the time that’s passed, they’re just now discussing the idea of tracking down Rei.
Unfortunately, it is revealed that the Space Graveyard is light years away and would take decades to get to anyway, OH MY GOD LOOK!!! A SPACE DRAGON!!!!!!
Oh well, I was getting bored of that conversation anyway.
Well, turns out this, uh, space dragon, is called Space Dragon Nurse, and apparently it works for Belial, cause it goes after the ZAP crew’s Pendragon ship like they stole from it.
Eventually, Nurse catches up to our heroes and coils around their ship, viciously constricting it in the process.
Then, for apparently no reason at all, Alien Zetton decides to join the party, teleporting into the hull of the Pendragon.
His first action is of course, to start waving a gun around like a chump.
With Zetton bein’ all gangsta’, Nurse crushing their ship, and all of the universes’ Ultramen apparently off doing more important stuff, things look crazy bad for the ZAP crew, when out of nowhere, another plot convenience arrives to save the day!
Behold, Shin Asuka AKA Ultraman Dyna!
Now, normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, after all, Deus Ex Machina is the name of the game in Ultraman movies, but in this case, Dyna’s not even from the same continuity, the same universe as the other Ultramen.
Oh yeah, and he was a clown-ass bitch that nobody liked in the first place.
Whatever… Anyway, Asuka beats the tar out of Zetton, then elects to TELEPORT our heroes to the Space Graveyard to lend a hand in the battle against Belial.
Oh wait, but first Dyna has to blow the shit out of ‘ole Nurse:
Following this little skirmish, Belial and Rei once again pick up their “Join the Dark Side” conversation, only this time, I shit you not, Rei actually gives in!
That’s like Darth Vader bein’ all like:
Then Luke bein’ all like:
Then Darth bein’ all like:
Then Luke bein’ all like:
ANYWAY, Rei freaks out and turns into a Dark Reionix or some shit, presumably because he gets too pissed off or something.
Consequently, this also causes Gomora to go Super Saiyan, as well as totally batshit crazy, meaning he starts focusing his attention exclusively on the Ultramen.
Oh yeah, and that worthless piece of CGI crap, Ritora, is nowhere to be seen.
Gomora proceeds to clean house as Ultraman Dyna and the ZAP crew finally show up just in time to calm Rei down.
I gotta’ say, Captain Hyuga has probably the craziest and most awesome entrances I’ve seen in awhile.
Right after he tells the pilot, Haruna, to land, he goes and does this:
He jumps out the fucking ship!
What follows is an embarrassingly melodramatic and LONG sequence wherein the ZAP crew all try to stage an intervention for Rei by physically restraining him and repeatedly calling out his name.
Yeah, ’cause I’m sure that’s exactly what the specialists do when uncle Jeb won’t put down the crack pipe.
Despite this, I have to say, things do wrap up pretty epic-ly as Captain Hyuga slow-motion smacks Rei back to his senses.
Because Dyna is a cock-goblin, and couldn’t possibly make up for the loss of Seven, our heroes immediately start falling behind in battle.
Cut back to Ultraseven’s son and Leo off in space training.
During their sparring match, a cute little red alien, Pigmon has been hopping around in the background, being well, cute.
At some point, Pigmon is almost crushed, however, Seven’s son manages to step in just in time to save him.
Apparently Leo was counting on this happening at some point, ’cause he calls an end to their training session, declaring his pupil ready to be a real Ultraman.
Ultraman King finally makes his presence known to everyone, throwing out a few inspiring words in the process, then sending Seven’s son, who apparently wasn’t aware of who his dad was, on his way after Seven’s Eye Slugger (that mohawk blade on his head, c’mon man, try an’ keep up) crashes on the training planet.
With that, Ultraman King orders Seven’s son’s armor removed, then promptly sends him on his way to fight Belial.
Curiously enough, despite the universe being at stake, Ultraman King, Leo and Astra don’t so much as call a cab.
Oh well, it’s only the universe, not like we can’t just get another one of those.
Cut back to Dyna chugging the cock with a smile:
Just before Dyna drowns in all that cock sauce however, Ultraseven’s son FINALLY shows up, blowing up a half dozen monsters and rescuing his father in one fell swoop.
With that, Ultraseven’s son is finally revealed in full, declaring himself Ultraman Zero:
May 10, 2010 • 11:16 AM 0
Welcome back to the Ultra Summary of “Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!”
Yesterday we covered the film’s opening act, wherein the evil Ultraman Belial wrecked the Ultra Homeworld of the M-78 Nebula and set out on his way to summon an army of 100 giant monsters!
Read on to find out what happens next!
It’s interesting to note that the folks at Tsuburuya managed to slip in a bit of fanservice here in form of giving that dick eater Musashi Haruno (from Ultraman Cosmos) a brief cameo.
Not 2 minutes after the ZAP crew touch down, a giant monster, Zaragas, shows up and tries to kill them.
Such is the life of a human in the Ultra universe.
The ZAP crew pull out their HANDGUNS and start plugging away at the 200 ft. tall Zaragas, only to find that it’s not very effective…
Following this, we are almost treated to some dialogue between the ZAP crew members, but just before they can open their mouths, Moebius drops in and… takes off into space with Rei in his hand.
The scene that follows is, in short, the plot.
Everything you need to know, every little bit of exposition you will ever need to understand just what’s going on in the movie, is covered in this one scene as Hibino Mirai/Ultraman Moebius talks at Rei.
Apparently Anakin, I mean Belial, was a young Ultraman way back when that broke the Ultra law and touched the Ultra Spark, sampling it’s power.
Touching the Ultra Spark proves to be too much for young Belial, as it drives him nuts and gives him an insatiable lust for power, kind of like ‘roids.
With that, the Ultra brothers banish Belial and leave him out in deep space, where he becomes possessed by the power of an alien named Reiblood.
With his new powers in tow, as well as his Giga Battle Nizer, which gives him the power to control 100 monsters, Belial wages war on the Ultra homeworld.
Things go pretty much as they did earlier in the movie, except this time around, Mr. Deus Ex Machina himself, Ultraman King shows up.
Long story shot, Belial gets thrown into the Rubik’s Cube/Phantom Zone and is never seen again… until 5 minutes into this movie.
Moebius explains to Rei that the alien that possessed Belial, Reiblood, just happens to be of the same race as Rei himself.
Through logic unknown to me, Moebius comes to the conclusion that Rei will be a key factor in winning the battle against Belial.
Meanwhile, Belial takes up residence at the Monster Graveyard, using the combined powers of the Ultra Spark and his Giga Battle Nizer to revive his army of 100 monsters.
Belial will spend the next half hour or so of the movie roasting marshmallows with his monster buddies.
Seriously, after freeing himself from imprisonment with a shit ton of gusto and brew-ha-ha, Belial spends a third of the movie doing jack shit.
Oh well, he might not do anything, but he at least sends some of his buddies to take out Moebius and Rei who’ve now decided to go back to the Ultra homeworld to snag the last bit of light that Taro managed to salvage.
Fortunately, Belial saw fit to send Alien Shaplay to act as their wrangler.
And Shaplay done brought his gat’. That’s right, he been tuh’ prison.
Yes, I own Equilibrium. And no, I don’t think it’s the best movie ever.
Moving on, Rei elects to let Mirai take on Shaplay all by his lonesome, reasoning that he will use the opportunity to take on the 3 giant monsters hanging out just over the hill by summoning Gomora.
Unfortunately, Rei slips and drops his Poké Balls, I mean Battle Nizer, into a crevice.
At the same time, Alien Shaplay barfs gunk all over Mirai’s transformation device, the Moebius Brace, thereby restricting him to his human form.
As the melee unfolds, Ultraman and Ultraseven, in human form, show up to aid our heroes in their respective crises.
In short, Dan Moroboshi helps Rei retrieve his Battle Nizer, and Shin Hayata uses an assault rifle(?) to put a few rounds in Shaplay, causing him to be buried by an avalanche.
What follows is one of the hokiest zoom-in reveals I can recall in recent history.
With the monsters defeated for the moment, our band of heroes settle down for a Ultra Pow-Wow to discuss a plan to take on Belial.
Seeing as Ultramen aren’t exactly known across the universe as “planners” so much as “fighters,” their plan boils down to getting their powers back and recruiting Ultraseven’s conveniently over-powered son so they can get their lunch box back from Belial or some shit.
I don’t know; I wasn’t paying attention. 2 dialogue scenes in 45 minutes of fighting has a way of A.D.D-ing the fuck out of you.
Also convenient however, is the fact that Ultraseven’s son is off on a faraway planet training with Ultraman Leo and his brother Astra.
Well, he isn’t exactly training so much as he’s going through a sort of initiation.
You see, he just happened to try and touch the Ultra Crack Rock, I mean Ultra Spark, just like Belial did.
Fortunately he was stopped just in time by Ace and Jack, who promptly sent him off to Ultra Rehab.
Anyway, in the present, we are shown clips of Ultraseven’s son sparring with Leo while Ultraman King looks on from above.
Seven’s son is, once again, conveniently clothed from the waist up in a suit of armor designed to encumber him so as to train his muscles or some shit, really though it’s just a clever way to mask his form until the final reel.
Well, because Rei didn’t get to use his Pokémon in that last battle, Shaplay, somehow freed from the avalanche, pops up again and throws out his strongest monster yet, Black King!
My guess is that the “Black” in Black King’s name refers to him being a Dark type Pokémon, ’cause Gomora’s Fighting moves were super effective…
Anyway, Shaplay follows our heroes into the chamber housing Taro’s frozen body, then promptly proceeds to engage in another bullet ballet with them.
With Shaplay and Black King defeated, our heroes approach Taro’s frozen body, and retrieve the power they need to transform and combat Belial.
Mass nodding and transformation sequences follow shortly thereafter.
With that, our heroes take off to face Belial for the final showdown.
Hang on, what now?
We’ve just hit the 50 minute mark, and our heroes are already on their way to the final battle?
Where they fuck did they hide the middle of the movie!?
*Sigh* Oh well, moving on…
Remember when I told you Belial spent a good third of the movie with his thumb up his butt?
Well, we’re now almost an hour into the movie and he’s still just sitting around marveling at the majesty of his pimp cane.
It’s not long however, before our heroes crash the party at the Space Graveyard and get ready to raise hell.
But not before Belial and Rei engage in the obligatory “Join the Dark Side” conversation.
Belial somehow reasons that, Rei should join him because they are of the same race.
Rei declares such words untrue, and therefore impossible, then summons Gomora and this faggety-ass CGI bird thing called Ritora.
In response, Belial uses his pimp cane to call out all 100 of his huge-ass bitches at once.
What follows is perhaps the Ultra brawl to end all Ultra brawls.
The fight is energetic, colorful and well-shot, with virtually every one of the 100 monsters represented to some degree, however if ever there was a case to argue that 100 monsters is just too many for one movie, this would be it.
Seriously, as awesome as this fight is, it goes on all the way to the end of the movie.
And remember, we’re barely an hour in.