Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Unfortunate Animal Names: Blue Tit


Before anyone asks, yes; I am familiar with the Booby.

For those that are unaware, the Booby is a goofy looking seabird known for it’s equally goofy behavior.

The way I see it, any bird that is known to randomly break into dancing fits when horny, and has a bad habit of being easier to catch and kill than a Dodo; deserves the name Booby.

Pictured: A Dumb-Looking Bird That Was Actually Dumber Than It Looked.

I think it goes without saying, being called a boob is not a term of endearment.

That being said, our unfortunately named animal of the day is the diminutive little birdy called the Blue Tit.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear the name “Blue Tit,” the first thing that comes to mind is of course… Tom Sizemore.

That's not a loving embrace... That's a one-armed chokehold.

I know it’s seriously un-PC of me to say it, but when it comes to imagery of bruised boobies and/or domestic abuse, I can’t help but picture Tom Sizemore being… Well, Tom Sizemore.

Don’t get me wrong, I actually happen to like the man’s acting, but the man has a reputation for treating women the way his Sgt. Horvath character handled the Nazis in Saving Private Ryan.

To be fair, there are worse names than the Blue Tit in the animal kingdom; but in my eyes, any bird that is forced to be associated with the greasy, volatile bastard that is Tom Sizemore; has it’s work cut out for it when it comes to finding a fan base.

I fuckin’ hate birds…

Advertisements

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Unfortunate Animal Names: Cock of the Rock


Okay I have to admit, the name of today’s unfortunately named animal is actually quite the opposite of unfortunate.

Truth be told, the only reason this post has a similar heading as yesterday’s Chiff Chaff Warbler is because I’m a lazy bastard and didn’t feel like changing the name.

Anyway, as the title of this post would suggest, today we’re taking a moment to ponder on the goofy looking, but awesomely named bird that is the Cock of the Rock.

Truly, there are worse fates in this world than to be named after the genitals of The Most Electrifying Man In Sports Entertainment.

At the same time though, in looking upon the poofy and decidedly Koosh Ball-esque visage that is The Cock of the Rock, one can’t help but be taken aback.

Seriously man, in the realm of ugly birds, The Cock of the Rock may not be cock-face ugly like a Turkey or a Vulture… Or a Turkey Vulture for that matter; but even so, it goes without saying that The Rock’s Cock is far from a handsome bird.

Truth be told, when I first beheld the hideous majesty of The Rock’s Package, the first thing that came to mind was it’s uncanny resemblance to the Yip Yip’s from Sesame Street:

Pictured: Childhood.

Huh, now that I think about it, that’s not such a bad thing after all.

Leave it to The Most Electrifying Penis In Sports Entertainment to leave me utterly stumped when trying to derive humor from it’s less than electrifying appearance.

My sincere apologies to The Rock for whatever defamation of his package may have arisen from the crafting of this article.

I assure you, all of it was unintentional.

Well, maybe not all of it…

Anyway, hopefully we all learned something today, I know I did.

All hail The People’s Strudel:

Filed under: Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Unfortunate Animal Names: Chiff Chaff Warbler

The animal kingdom has a lot of unfortunately named animals in it, and today we’re gonna’ take a minute to single out and harp on one of said poor unfortunate souls.

That being said, today we’re going to be talking shit about the tiny and, one would think; defenseless little birdy that our scientists decided to name the Chiff Chaff Warbler.

Now, I don’t know about you, but when I hear the name “warbler,” I can’t help but think of a cartoonishly fat and decidedly ponderous creature along the lines of Wimpy from Popeye.

I suppose it goes without saying that “warble” brings to mind gross (read: MANLY) things like belching, or gargling… Or belching while gargling.

Pictured: What happens when stupid bitches try to belch and gargle at the same time.

Something about the rotund and guttural nature of the word “warble” just sets my mind thinking to all things chubby and pathetic.

As for the “chiff chaff” part of things, I don’t know what the fuck it’s supposed to mean, but it sounds like one of those old-timey phrases that old men with Dublin mustaches and monocles would say.

Y’know, things like:

Riff raff, haberdashery, poppycock, Toffifay, etc.

The kind of words one would say while swishing their mustache, and exclaiming whatsits like “I say!” or “…my good man.”

In conclusion, the Chiff Chaff Warbler is a chubby, pathetic bird that wears a monocle and belches loudly and often.

Happy Father’s Day everyone!

Pictured: Not me, but still pretty fuckin' funny.

Filed under: Comics, , , , , , , , , , , ,

Timothy Bradley Has A Big Head.

Original photo. Not doctored in any way.

Timothy Bradley has a big head.

I’m not saying he’s arrogant, I mean the man literally has a big-ass head.

It’s bulbous, outlandishly disproportionate to the rest of his body, and bears a unique shape that could only be described as “Tweety Bird-esque.”

In fact, the man’s head is so gigantic, that in the sport of boxing I feel there needs to be a concession made in the rulebooks to treat his cranium as a 4th man in the ring.

When you fight Tim Bradley, you aren’t just fighting Bradley.

You’re fighting Tim Bradley and Tim Bradley’s Head.

"And the winner is... The Head!!!"

That being said, the man has a big head, but by golly; he sure knows how to use it.

Known for being a stout, bell-to-bell pitbull-like fighter, Tim Bradley typically relies on his magnificent stamina and workrate to walk his opponents down over 12 rounds.

Such was not the case in last night’s bout against fellow (formerly) undefeated 140 lbs. prospect, Devon Alexander, as The Head saw fit to end the night prematurely.

You see, Alexander was in the fight from start to finish, however he foolishly discounted the sheer power and dominating force that is Timothy Bradley’s Head.

For several rounds, the 2 exchanged punches at a fairly even pace, with no man gaining any sort of significant advantage.

Alexander’s hand speed proved to be an effective tool for keeping Bradley at bay, however the tide was about to change…  A dark presence was looming, and it was out for blood…

After casually sitting out most of the early action, allowing it’s lower extremities to bear the brunt of the workload, the hulking beast that is Tim Bradley’s Head saw fit to make it’s presence known at the end of the 3rd round, as it crashed into Devon  Alexander’s cranium with the force (and mass) of a wrecking ball, opening a nasty cut over his right eye.

 

Artist Rendering.

In between rounds, Alexander’s trainer called out to the referee and anyone who cared to listen:

“I told you about that fucking Head!”

You see, despite whatever (futile) preparations Devon Alexander made to contend with Tim Bradley’s Head, the sheer size and power of his monstrous skull grants him a tremendous advantage in the sport of boxing.

 

Pictured: A little known distant ancestor of Timothy Bradley.

While we’ve already made note of it’s savage power, it’s great size serves as a perfect feint, goading opponents into firing away at thinking it to be an easy target, only to be fooled by it’s surprisingly lithe and dextrous movements.

Not only that, it needs to be mentioned that Tim Bradley’s Head grants him an incredible ability to cut off the ring and corner his opponents, as in most regulation sized rings, it ends up occupying at least 80% of the surface area.

There's no escape. It size grants it it's own gravitational field. It's science...

You don’t “share” a ring with Tim Bradley’s Head, it allows you to step inside.

Despite his best efforts, Alexander was unable to avoid the beast that is Tim Bradley’s Head, as though it honestly does not mean to cause harm to others with it’s near cosmic capacity to cause cuts and bleeding, it’s great size makes such collisions nigh unavoidable.

That being said, while the contest was indeed very close; Bradley’s Head was ultimately ruled the victor.

As it stands, most would agree that the top 3 of the Jr. Welterweight division would likely be comprised of: Timothy Bradley’s Head, Amir Khan, and Timothy Bradley himself.

While Amir Khan is indeed a tremendous talent, the size advantage, pressuring tactics, and sheer power of Tim Bradley’s Head are all factors that are hard to ignore when considering the outcome of this matchup.

Filed under: Boxing, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best MAN!!! #5

After the hootenanny of character design awesomeness that was Mega Man 4, most of us were left thinking, “what the fuck kind of crazy awesomeness can the guys over at Capcom possibly follow this up with?”

The answer, unfortunately, was about 2 thirds crazy, and 1 third awesome.

Ladies and gentleman, it’s time to tangle with the odd bird that is Mega Man 5.

Really diggin' the Mega Man stiff arm.

Mega Man 5 is a really fuckin’ weird game.

The story was some hackneyed bullshit wherein Proto Man was set-up as the main villain, only to have it revealed later that he is in fact innocent, and, guess what, Dr. Wily was the actual mastermind.

THAT EVIL MOTHER FUCKER!!!

In terms of graphics and sound, it was a significant step up from it’s predecessors, and even the gameplay was pretty solid as well.

Yep, they actually gave those little Met fuckers jet packs and space helmets...

It was the design of the game that hurt it.

For the first time in Mega Man history, the player was faced with issue that there were one too many features.

While Mega Man 5 was far from innovative, in fact it was one of the more “phoned-in” games in the series, what little it added was the straw that broke the camels back, the last block pulled from the Jenga tower.

That's right, Jenga mother fuckers!

Some of the (few) features that Mega Man 5 brought to the table were more intricate level designs, a new weapon called the Super Arrow, and Beat, the fighting bird that could be earned after collecting letters in all 8 of the robot master stages to form the phrase “M-E-G-A-M-A-N-V.”

Fuckin' worthless-ass turd burglar...

By the way, despite the level of dedication required to activate Beat, he’s pretty much useless.

He’s like the equivalent of using Zero for 1 third of a stage in Mega Man X3.

The best thing Zero did in X3 was get his ass kicked for me so I could jack his beam saber.

Oh you know you gonna' gimme' 'dat shit son...

For real man, Zero is like the Trunks of the Mega Man X series.

Everybody and their mother thinks he’s the bees knees, suckin’ his cock left and right, but if ever you ask them “why?” they can’t come with anything close to an answer.

Know why he smilin'? 'Cause you suckin' his dick, that's why.

It’s gotta’ be the hair or some shit, I swear…

Anyway, bullshit tangents aside, like I said, while it wasn’t a horrible game by any means, Mega Man 5  was kind of a lazy effort by Capcom, and was also the first in the series to begin to feel over-saturated.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that the character designs were some of the weirdest in series history up until the fuck-sandwich that is Sheep Man?

Yet another reason as to why I haven't played Mega Man 9 or 10...

Good thing “weird” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad,” (it does when you’re talking about sack-donkeys like Sheep Man) ’cause it’s about time we got down to deciding who’s The Best MAN!

Well, among the side-show freaks and fuck-tards that are the cast of Mega Man 5, The Best MAN would have to be…

Gyro Man

GYRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO MAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!

Like Mega Man 3, this one was a toughy.

Unlike that game however, I had no real attachment to any of the robot masters in Mega Man 5.

I mean shit, look at ’em:

TRAIN DUDE!!? MISSILE FACE!? PEARL MAN!!? WTF!!!!!????

Mega Man 5’s cast of robot masters was unique, I’ll give it that.

Even as a kid, I seriously didn’t think they’d actually make a “Star Man,” but hey, I’m not a videogame designer, what do I know…

The real difficulty in choosing who was The Best MAN in Mega Man 5 sprung from 1 simple personal debate:

Crystal Man or Gyro Man?

Really, that’s all it came down to, but I have to admit it gave me some issues.

Pretty much every other robot master in the game is ass-faced failure, to the point in which I was left with only 2 guys I really had any sort of appreciation for.

You wanna’ know how I made my decision?

Well, I started, of course, by looking at their designs.

I liked both, but to be honest I felt I liked Crystal Man just a little bit more.

Sexy...

Something about his color scheme and strong body shape just “did it” for me.

Next, I moved on to their stage music.

Gyro Man:

Crystal Man:

No contest here.

Point, Gyro Man.

Normally I’d insert a comment here about who was the tougher challenge, but seeing as both guys were pussies, I’m left with nothing more to say other than, well, they were pussies.

"Who, me?"

The final deciding factor ended up being my (fragmented) memories of that goddamn Mega Man cartoon.

While Gyro Man’s appearance in the show WAS RETARDED AS FUCK, at least it wasn’t as bad as Crystal Man’s.

If I remember correctly, Crystal Man fought Mega Man on the moon, got his chest bulb shot out, and generally just got shat on for the entire half hour.

What the fuck is up with American redesigns of Japanese shiieeet!!!??

Gyro Man at least got to wear a wig and pretend to be in a shitty 90’s rock band with Gemini Man and Spark Man

Lookit' them pointy shoulders... That's how you know it's the early 90's.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Donate