Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Remember When Kane Got Flamethrower-ed?

It’s funny, when I first started writing this post, (5 minutes ago) I actually had never seen the clip above.

Honestly, I felt kind of bad knowing that I missed this one back in ’99.

Hell, it’s not every day Triple H throws on a Goldust costume and flamethrowers the shit out of Kane.

Is it wrong that the likelihood of someone, that wasn’t Dustin Rhodes; donning a Goldust costume was actually less than the chances of someone chucking fire in the face of their opponent during the Attitude Era?


God I love The King’s girly scream in that clip…

Bullshit aside, the really funny part about this article, is the fact that I actually have memories (but sadly no clips…) of a different incident in which someone took a flamethrower to Kane’s face.

You see, I remember an instance when X-Pac, at the time a tag partner with Kane; betrayed the big-red-retard and ambushed him on the ramp with a flamethrower.

I know Kane’s whole gimmick was based around him having been burned/deformed in the past, but to know that the man had flames tossed in his face on no less than 2 separate occasions in the ring just seems kind of silly.

Hell, just the idea of anyone getting flamethrower-ed in a pro-wrestling match seems just a little over-the-top.

“Over-the-top” in the super awesome, ratings snatching kind of way, mind you.

Oh well, I guess I was just spoiled by growing up with the wrestling I did…

Why The Attitude Era of Wrestling Was Great: FLAMETHROWERS

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The Master Lock Challenge

Back in 2005, my buddy Mencius and I happened upon a goofy ass storyline in the WWF regarding a wrestler by the name of “The Masterpiece” Chris Masters, and his so-called “Master Lock Challenge.”

Said challenge involved various wrestling personalities attempts to break out of Master’s submission finisher, The Master Lock.

 

So... He hits them with a STEEL bike lock?

Everyone from the top tier of the WWF roster, to Jerry “The King” Lawler himself; participated in The Master Lock challenge at some point, and for awhile it seemed like the behind the scenes writer’s had gone all-in on using The Master Lock challenge as a means of hyping Chris Masters.

“Seemed” my ass.  This really was the best they could do with a boring no-talent like Chris Masters…

Other than being unnaturally muscular, (as evidenced by his recent “deflation”) the man never really had much personality, mic skills, or even wrestling ability.

Fortunately, he was always quite competent at shoving his cock in people's faces.

Sadly, this seems to be the case with all wrestlers in the post-Attitude Era

Bitching aside, the reason I bring up The Master Lock Challenge, is because, honestly; I found it to be utterly hilarious.

The spectacle or dumbfuck-ery that was The Master Lock challenge consisted of the following:

A steel chair (chairs are always made of steel in wrestling, even when they’re made of wood) is placed in the center of the ring, and the participant in the challenge is instructed to sit in it.

From that point, Chris Masters literally creeps up behind them, and after a great number of false starts and feigned drama; hooks his arms under the challengers armpits, clasps his hands together, yanks them out of the chair, and puts them in a full nelson.

That’s right boys and girls, Chris Master’s inescapable, infallible, match-ending submission technique, was little more than your garden variety full nelson:

Once the full nelson, excuse me; “Master Lock,” is locked in, the challenger then proceeds to thrash around and butt bop Masters against the ring posts until they ultimately succumb to the overwhelming epic awesomeness of The Master Lock.

The Master Lock Challenge carried Masters to (unwarranted) main event status in the WWF, and continued to be a major selling point for his character for several years.

Truth be told, my mock fascination with The Master Lock Challenge fizzled out after only a few weeks.

I suppose it’s worth mentioning that my very genuine interest in pro wrestling went in the shitter around the time The Rock became forever more known solely as “Dwayne.”

"Hey it's The Rock! No wait... Nevermind, it's just Dwayne..."

To my knowledge, The Master Lock Challenge was broken at some point, by the equally talentless and prohibitively swollen Bobby Lashley.

I swear man, wrestlers these days have to take it easy on the body building and GO TO FUCKING SCHOOL.

FUCKING. SCHOOL.

I don’t care how “ripped” you are, or how “awesome” your image is, learn to fuckin’ wrestle, or get the fuck out.

*Sigh* You have no idea how much I want to like wrestling, only to be reminded every time I flip it on to to see what’s up; just how far it’s fallen…

Anyway, I’d like to take this opportunity to mention that these stupid-ass Magic cards I’ve been pumping out over the past several days, are likely going to be a regular element of the blog from now on.

I know a lot of you probably don’t “get” the joke of most of them, but that’s your problem, not mine.

I’ve been straining to find material to write about as of late, and I think “art-ing” on photoshop every now and again has been good for me.

Art has always been kind of therapeutic for me, so expect to see lots of stupid Magic cards whenever I find I have nothing to write.

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