Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

The Best MAN!!! #8

Click me, I took hours to make...

Well folks, after a week straight of nothing but Mega Man related blogging, we’ve made it to the big finale.

That’s right, today we’re gonna’ be taking a look at the 10th anniversary game of the Mega Man series, Mega Man 8 on the Sony Playstation!

As previously explained Mega Man 8 will be the final installment in The Best MAN series, as I haven’t played Mega Man 9 or 10, and thusly don’t feel qualified to elect a Best MAN for those games.

That being said, let’s dive into Mega Man 8!

8’s story was, much like 7, somewhat more involved than previous entries in the series, largely due to the unprecedented inclusion of hand-drawn anime cutscenes.

At the time of it’s release, Full Motion Video (FMV) was already old hat, however after the release of the Amiga 32CD, Sega CD, 3DO, and other such CD based consoles, many game developers saw fit to include FMV in their games, resulting in the technology being en vogue for much of the 90’s.

Mega Man 8’s FMV sequences were fairly entertaining, and decently well-animated, however the English voice acting was absolutely atrocious.

For real man, Dr. Light sounds like fuckin’ Elmer Fudd after a stroke, no joke.

He also stutters.

Like a fattie.

The end result was a series of fairly entertaining, but often times, all too tempting to skip, cutscenes.

There was 1 scene in particular though that I remember keeping an extra save file (it was a Playstation game, of course you could save!) for just so I could watch it over and over again:

It seems kind of lame now, but when I was 10, that was the coolest thing ever.  Even though my Playstation would freeze during it just about 90% of the time…

Anyway, the story of Mega Man 8 is based around a capsule of “evil energy” that falls to Earth.

EVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLL.

This energy grants it’s wielder great power, and multiplies by feeding off of it’s host’s evil intent.

Think the Venom symbiote from Spider-Man.

And now, gentleman, for your viewing pleasure: A T-Rex wearing the Venom symbiote.

Dr. Wily of course gets his hands on this evil energy and uses it to power his latest creations to tangle with Mega Man.

In the meantime however, an intrinsically “good” robot from outer space named Duo (the big dude in Dr. Light’s lab during the video) crash lands on Earth, only to awaken halfway through the game to serve as an ally to Mega Man.

That is, not before trying to kill him, of course.

On the side there’s also a very Dragonball Z-esque “Goku and Vejita” dynamic that plays out between Mega Man and Bass.

Basically, Vejita, I mean Bass; has an inferiority complex, which results in him attempting to use the evil energy to grant him the power to defeat Mega Man.

Oh Bass, we do this dance again and again, and yet you just don't seem to learn the steps, do you?

I like Bass, really, I do; but he’s a total pussy in Mega Man 8.

Haha, get it!? "Bass!"

Mega Man 8 was vastly different from any Mega Man that came before it.

From a presentation standpoint, it was easily the most graphically intense iteration of the series, well, pretty much, ever.

The animations were silky smooth, and the music was excellent all-around, with most of the tracks being quite memorable.

Although from a cosmetic standpoint Mega Man 8 was a drastic departure from the norm, and undeniably, an improvement, the gameplay was merely different, and not necessarily for the better.

One of the comments I received on my Mega Man 7 post from yesterday made note of the fact that the game was slower than the NES games in the series.

I failed to address this in my post, and for that I apologize, however it is an incontrovertible fact.

Mega Man 7 was a much slower-paced game than it’s predecessors, and Mega Man 8 followed suit by being even slower.

THIS FUCKING SLOOOOOWWWW.

The sprites in Mega Man 7 were very large, excessively so, and thankfully 8 addressed this by increasing the screen resolution, while at once one-upping their level of detail.

Despite being a sidescroller like every other Mega Man game, 8 was a much more vertically oriented game.

The screen orientation was “taller,” and Mega Man’s jump controls were changed so that he jumped higher than normal, however, due to his much slower walking speed, his horizontal jumping distance was toned down a bit.

While definitely a much slower-paced, and in-fact, much easier game than it’s predecessors, Mega Man 8 was still quite fun.

TONS OF FUN.

New gameplay features in Mega Man 8 were plentiful (for a change).

The shop from Mega Man 7 made a return, though this time around it was run by Mega Man’s sister, Roll, and the currency used there consisted of an extremely finite, and difficult to acquire, supply of bolts scattered throughout the robot master stages.

Items in the shop consisted of equipment to dampen the “knock-back” effects of getting hit, decrease the charge time for a Mega Buster shot, change the function of Mega Buster, and a variety of other things.

Part of the fun of the shop was the fact that not all of the items were all that useful, such as the one that increases your climbing speed, or the one that disables your Mega Buster!

I greatly preferred this shop system, as unlike 7, where all you had to do was “farm” for money by killing enemies, purchases in 8 felt much more strategic.

A Hummer: THE strategic purchase.

In addition to the shop items, there were also a total of 4 Rush items, all granted to the player after defeating minibosses during the robot master stages.

While virtually all of the Rush items were nothing more than novelty items that could net you a nice item or two here and there, I always thought it was a neat idea to turn Rush into a motorcycle and ride him into battle.

PIMP.

But, that’s just me.

In addition to the changes made to the overall pace of the game, Mega Man 8 also featured some truly inspired level designs.

No longer consisting purely of platforming action, 8 contained a several vehicle segments and a few maze-like stages that couldn’t be completed linearly.

While Mega Man 5 was the first in the series to feature on-rails vehicle sequences, in the form of a jet-ski ride during Wave Man’s stage,

Mega Man 8 took this concept and greatly expanded on it.

Frost Man and Dr. Wily’s tower both featured perilous snowboarding sequences wherein the player would have to alternately jump or slide to survive the course.

JUMP.

Tengu Man’s stage featured an extensive on-rails shooting sequence in the skies.

"FUCK YOU, WHALE!"

This sequence was one of my favorites in the game, as it had you riding Rush while shooting numerous enemies, all while gradually recruiting a huge DEATH SQUAD of Mega Man’s buddies to help you out.

The Mega Man Death Squad in all their glory.

Auto, Eddie and Beat all made appearances in this sequence, with Beat finally redeeming himself as the single most powerful ally you could acquire.

I'm lettin' you off easy this time... Chump.

Sword Man and Astro Man’s stages served as the first maze levels in Mega Man history.

While Sword Man’s stage was not really a maze, but rather a series of trials that had to be completed while making use of specific robot master weapons, Astro Man’s stage was one mother of a maze.

ARRRRRGHH!!!

Seriously, I fucking hated Astro Man’s stage…

Well, I think I’ve said more than enough about Mega Man 8, it’s time we got down to deciding who’s The Best MAN, for the very last time.

The Best MAN of Mega Man 8 is…

Frost Man

FROSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSST MAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNN!!!!!!

Didn’t see that comin’ didja’?

You know why Frost Man’s The Best MAN?

‘Cause Mega Man 8 was the first game in the series to give it’s robot master voices, that’s why.

Okay, okay, that’s not the only reason I picked him, but it had a lot to do with it.

You see, Frost Man’s voice made me laugh as a kid.

His character was supposed to be that of a huge, powerful, dopey idiot, and his voice reflected this very well.

"I will love him, and kiss him, and I will call him George..."

Seriously, when the biggest fuckin’ robot master in the fuckin’ series leaps into the arena, smashing a bunch of Mega Man ice sculptures to show off his strength, only to yell out something retarded like:

“I’m gonna’, crush you! I will…… Beat, you!”

I just can’t help but smile.

Tune to 4:45 for example:

Seriously though, Frost Man has a lot going for him.

His “walking igloo” design is inspired and truly a sight to behold in-game with it’s vivid animations, his weapon, the Ice Wave is fun to use, (although much cooler looking when he uses it) and his stage is lots of fun to play with one of the better background tracks in the game:

If anyone could usurp Frost Man’s position as Best MAN, I’d say it would be Clown Man or Search Man.

Seriously, I actually had to rewrite a big portion of this post on account of me changing my mind about Search Man at the last minute.

The problem with Search Man is that, while he’s got personality up the ying-yang, and a cool weapon to boot, I didn’t care much for his stage.

You see, like Mega Man 7, 8 split up it’s robot masters into 2 groups of 4.

Because I rarely finished the game as a kid, the second group of robot masters were one’s I didn’t end up seeing all that much of.

Sorry Aqua Man, no one likes you...

On top of that, I’ve never actually fought Search Man without having the Flame Sword to pwn his ass with, so I’ve never really gotten to experience a real fight with him firsthand.

Clown Man on the other hand, while one of my favorite designs in any Mega Man game, suffered for exactly the same reason Frost Man was promoted.

His voice annoyed the piss out of me.

EXAMPLE

He had an extensive repertoire of interesting attacks, his stage was cutesy fun, and his weapon was not all that bad, but his voice was just painful to listen to.

Oh yeah, that and he was WAY too fucking easy…

Protip: Sticking your arms into the ground isn't a viable combat tactic. It just gets you shot. In the face.

Well folks, we’ve named our last Best MAN.

Hopefully everyone had fun along the way, I know I did.

See you tomorrow when I (hopefully) think of some other shit to write about…

Advertisements

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best MAN!!! #7

Afternoon everybody, and welcome back to the 7th installment of The Best MAN!

Today we’re of course going to be exploring the tragically flat, and only 16-bit adventure in the linear Mega Man series, Mega Man 7.

Ah, I see we've reached the mid-90's era of Capcom's American cover art...

Before we delve into the utterly vanilla experience that is Mega Man 7, I feel it important to address one simple issue surrounding the stigma that seems to have arose in regards to this game.

Case in point:

Now, I can’t claim that this video’s (clever) views on the Mega Man series are at all that of the general public, however I feel that it should be said that Mega Man 7 is far from the worst of the Mega Man series.

*Ahem!* By now it should be obvious that that honor belongs to Mega Man 5

Pictured: Mega Man 5.

Anyway, despite Mega Man 7’s apparent reputation for being a shit-fest of epic proportions, the game actually had a decent story.

Not that that counts for anything in a franchise that puts zero emphasis on story.

In short, after Dr. Wily is thrown in jail at the conclusion of Mega Man 6, exactly 6 months later, 4 robots he had hidden in an underground laboratory wake up and blow the shit out of the city to free him.

Essentially, the plot is a carbon copy of the first half of Dragonball Z movie 7.

This was the coolest shit ever when I was in middle school... I'm not even kidding.

Coincidence?  I think not!

Nah, I’m just Joshing yah’, it probably was a coincidence.

Anyway, like any Mega Man game, the changes to the gameplay made in 7 were small, but fairly impactful.

Just not as much as in most other games in the series…

Several new characters were introduced, including Auto, Mega Man’s burly mechanic buddy:

"Pull my finger."

And Bass and Treble, the series’ obligatory evil clone characters:

PIMP.

While Auto served as little more than window dressing, Bass and Treble engaged the player at several points in the game, initially pretending to be all baby-faced n’shit, only to turn heel and bash Mega Man over the head with a steel chair.

"MY GAWD, WITH THE STEEL CHAIR!!!!"

Gameplay additions to Mega Man 7 included a new equipment store run by Eddie, wherein the player could purchase new items and abilities, and a brand new Rush adapter called “Super Mega Man” that combined the flight and power functions of the adapters from Mega Man 6.

Mega Man, GATTAI!!!!

It was also the first game in the linear series to allow the player to “charge” the weapons of all of the robot masters.

In addition to this, the game also adopted the “Intro Stage before Stage Select” mechanic that had been pioneered in the Mega Man X series, as well as set it’s own precedent by introducing the “Intermission” stage, that is; an unskippable level forced on the player after defeating 4 of the 8 robot masters.

PHARAOH MAN CAMEO!!!

As you can already tell, outside of 16-bit graphics and sound, Mega Man 7 didn’t really bring much to the table in terms of innovation.

In fact, despite the larger sprites and more detailed animations, the games’ musical compositions were actually somewhat weak for the series.

Even so, there were exceptions:

Just goes to show you that technical advancements don’t always mean much in regards to gameplay.

Mega Man 7 was not a horrible game, nor was it the worst Mega Man game, however; due to the hype and expectations surrounding it, the first 16-bit Mega Man game; it ended up being a pretty big letdown.

Even so, the games’ biggest shame is the fact that it is utterly average, serving as nothing more than a mere hiccup in the vast legacy of the Mega Man franchise.

Enough dour bullshit, let’s get down to who’s The Best MAN!

Well kiddo’, that’d have to be…

Shade Man

SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADE MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!???

This one hurt me.

Physically.

Seriously, Mega Man 7 has a decent roster of robot masters, but I really only like 2 of them.

Turbo Man and Freeze Man, those are the only 2 MEN in the game that come close to being The Best MAN.

ALL THAT IS MAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!!!

So why the fuck aren’t either of them The Best MAN in Mega Man 7!?

Well, shut up and I’ll tell you.

Junk Man is the first guy I’d always kill, and c’mon; he’s fuckin’ Junk Man.

More like "Pile of Fail Man."

Cloud Man is a fattie.

Pictured: Cloud Man.

I actually had to look up Burst Man just to figure out what the fuck his gimmick was.

Note: I still don’t know what it is…

Seriously man, what the fuck is his deal?

Slash Man is cool, but uninspired, *cough!* Wolverine *cough!*

I did like the dinosaurs in his stage though...

Spring Man is lame and had one of the most frustrating stages in Mega Man history, right next Astro Man in Mega Man 8.

Pictured: Spring Man.

That leaves us with Turbo Man and Freeze Man, the only 2 MEN that I actually like in Mega Man 7.

Both are my favorite designs in the game, they have pretty cool weapons, pretty fun stages, and are tough cookies when you finally get down to stompin’ a mudhole on their asses.

Despite Shade Man’s relatively crappy design, he trumps both of my boys in every other category, hands down.

He’s got a pimp-ass weapon, he’s tough to fight, and if you hold “B” before selecting his stage, you can play a through his stage with the Ghosts ‘N Gobins intro stage music playing as the stage background music!

Not only that, but his is the only robot master stage that includes a brief story sequence wherein Mega Man runs across an injured Bass and Treble just after they fought, and lost to Shade Man.

Even though it is later revealed that Bass and Treble were in fact working for Dr. Wily, it’s worth noting that Shade Man was considered powerful enough to have believably defeated them.

That’s street cred son, you can’t buy that.

While I don’t really care much for the whole vampire schtick of Shade Man, from a gameplay standpoint, he was a very creative and unique addition to the series.

He had more attacks than most bosses, including a life draining bite and Medusa-like stone gaze.

Clearasil: It's your friend.

More importantly, his weapon, the Noise Crush, was truly awesome, as it would bounce off of walls, growing more powerful as it ricocheted.

Like I said, the thought of declaring Shade Man the best, well, anything, makes me violently ill, however I feel I’d be lying to myself if I elected one of my favorites in his stead.

Just goes to show you, that which you like isn’t necessarily what’s best.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best MAN!!! #6

Get your shit kickin’ boots on folks, ’cause today’s gonna’ be a real slobber-knocker!

That’s right kids, today we’re gonna’ be talkin’ about Mega Man 6!

More specifically, we’re gonna’ be deciding just who’s The Best MAN in Mega Man 6.

Mega Man 6 holds a special place in my heart.

I remember I got Mega Man 4, 5 and 6 as birthday presents from my parents on my 11th birthday.

Keep in mind this was 1998, or, more importantly, 2 whole console generations removed from the days when the good ole’ gray box was at all relevant.

1998: The Azn Badger's mother apologizes to him after his annual birthday movie outing for the first, and only time.

Me being me though, I was very thankful to my parents, and went to great lengths to play the shit out of my new Mega gifts.

At this point in time I had yet to play, let alone of hear of a Mega Man beyond #4, making 5 and 6 a special treat for me.

This guy has one more "special treat" and he's gonna' have a coronary... AGAIN.

Based on some of my harsh words regarding Mega Man 5 yesterday, I’m sure many of you can deduce how I felt about that game as a kid.

Well, despite Mega Man 5 sucking a monster of a Blackanese cock, I really enjoyed Mega Man 6.

In fact, of the 3 games gifted to me, 6 was the only one I beat on it’s original cartridge.

Yup, still got it.

The basic plot of Mega Man 6 involved yet another scenario wherein Dr. Wily is not the villain from the get-go.

THAT EVIL MOTHER FUCKER!!!

This time around, a mysterious man named Mr. X hosts a global exhibition of robot engineering, only to use this event as a means to steal 8 of the world’s most powerful robots to use for his evil machinations.

No way, he doesn't look ANYTHING like Dr. Wily...

Long story short, Mega Man sets out to battle Mr. X, only to later find that Mr. X is actually Dr. Wily in disguise (no fucking duh).

Am I really supposed to be intimidated here, or what?

Mega Man 6 added a decent amount of new stuff to the series.

While this once again served to over-complicate much of the gameplay, unlike #5, many of the additions were actual attempts to try something different.

Most notable among these additions were a pair of new Rush adapters, called “Jet Mega Man” and “Power Mega Man.”

The “Jet” adapter, shown on the box cover, allowed the player to fly to a certain extent by holding the jump button in mid-air.

The “Power” adapter, or “Mega Man Football Pads” as I referred to them as a kid, allowed the player to shoot powerful short range blasts, as well as use charge shots to blow up cracked blocks.

Both of these adapters, while causing Mega Man to become incapable of sliding; served to expand the gameplay by affording the player new options in how to approach each stage.

Consequently, the level design featured numerous branching paths for each stage that often required the player to use these Rush adapters to traverse or reach.

While none of these alternate routes were required to beat the game, clearing 4 out of 8 of the robot master stages via these routes would reward the player with that useless fucking bird, Beat.

Yup, still fat, and still useless...

On a side note, an elementary, but previously unexplored addition to the gameplay of Mega Man 6, was the Energy Balancer, given to the player by Proto Man upon finding him in Tomahawk Man’s stage.

The Energy Balancer allowed the player to pick up weapon power items and have that energy allocated to the weapons that need it most, automatically.

This was a huge time saver, and should’ve been in the series from day one, however Mega Man 6 was the first game to have this feature.

Subsequent titles in the series have since made this a standard feature of gameplay, albeit one that still needs to be purchased or discovered in-game.

Even of this hippie-dippy-gobbledy-gook though, let’s get down to who’s The Best MAN!

Well, that’d have to be…

Yamato Man

YAMATOOOOOOOOOOOO MANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

While pretty much all of the designs in Mega Man 6 are excellent, determining which was The Best MAN was a fairly simple matter.

Let me walk you through the process:

First of all, Plant Man and Centaur Man are out on account of being fruitcakes.

PUSSIES.

You see, the prime issue is that they lack the MAN factor that is implied when searching for The Best MAN.

Moving on, Blizzard Man and Wind Man = FAT.  ‘Nuff said.

FATTIES.

While a decent enough MAN, Flame Man was always the first guy that I would take on, (either that or Plant Man) so, like Metal Man in Mega Man 2, even though I like his design a lot, he’s too much of a wimp to be true MAN material.

ANOTHER PUSSY.

That leaves us with 3 MEN to work with: Knight Man, Tomahawk Man, and Yamato Man.

While all 3 have great background music and cool weapons, Knight Man was the first cut due to being a truly pathetic challenge when you finally get around to fighting him.

Yes, he is in fact wearing a lampshade while holding a big black dildo.

Tomahawk Man had my favorite background music in the game:

Despite this, my decision ultimately boiled down to who was the most fun/hardest to fight, and that, for the 11 year old Azn Badger; was always Yamato Man.

Both guys only had 2 attacks, but 1 of Yamato Man’s involved him shooting his spear head at you, and then dashing across the room to retrieve it.

Yamato Man used Skull Bash! It's Super Effective!

Tomahawk Man’s moves were both horizontal projectiles that were relatively easy to jump over.

Tomahawk Man used Feather Dance! It's Not Very Effective...

While I could sometimes squeak by Tomahawk Man without the Plant Barrier, I always needed the Silver Tomahawk to take down Yamato Man as a kid.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best MAN!!! #3

First thing’s first, it needs to be said that Mega Man 3 has one of the best soundtracks in all of gaming.

Well, it's an improvement from the first 2, but still, that is some shitty cover art.

Not only that, but it’s Title Theme is MY FAVORITE track of the NES era.

That’s right, not The Moon from Ducktales,

not the Super Mario Bros. theme,

but the Title Theme for Mega Man 3.

Give it a listen:

That business aside, Mega Man 3 was a truly awesome Mega Man game.

I mentioned yesterday that I’m still on the fence as to whether I like Mega Man 2 or 3 best, however I’ve found that as I’ve grown older I tend to favor 3 just a little bit more.

The game introduced several new features that would go on to become staples of the series.

Well, that is until Capcom decided to whore themselves to the “Xbox Generation” and release the DLC oddities that are Mega Man 9 and 10 anyway…

WTF!!!!????

Protoman and Rush the dog made their first appearances in Mega Man 3.

The pair didn’t really add much in terms of gameplay, other than serving as a lame miniboss

Protoman: He jumps, he shoots, he sucks the cock.

and replacement for the numbered gadgets of the previous game respectively,

Rush: Fucking worthless when not in Jet form.

however their addition to the series canon personalized, and added character to a roster of characters that was actually pretty slim for the time.

More importantly however, Mega Man 3 gave us the slide maneuver.

While the slide has since been removed in those goddamn fuckin’ DLC games, I always found it to be a wonderful addition Mega Man’s limited repertoire of moves.

It expanded the level design by allowing you to enter narrow passages.

It sped up the pace of the gameplay due to your ability to progress faster through the stages.

It allowed the bosses patterns to be more aggressive, as you now had the ability to dodge quickly.

In all, it was a great innovation that changed Mega Man forever… Or at least until the DLC games.

That’s enough Blue Bomber cock-sucking though, let’s get down to who’s The Best MAN!

That would have to be:

Snake Man

SNAAAAAAAKKKKKKE MAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNN!!!!

This one was almost a 3-way tie.

However, by MANdate of MAN-law, there can only be one Best MAN, and that just happens to be Snake Man

As a kid, Gemini Man was my favorite, hands down.

Remember that Bubble Man helmet I had my mom make for me way back when?

Well, I also wanted her to make me a Gemini Man one.

I never got that helmet, but even so, I still loved Gemini Man.

He had great background music,

a neat fighting style, and probably the pimpest weapon in Mega Man 3: The Gemini Laser.

Gemini Laser Skin Treatment = Icky...

Next to Gemini Man, Shadow Man was a close favorite as well.

I don’t really buy into the whole “he’s awesome ’cause he’s a ninja thing,” however I find that his character, trademark shuriken weapon, and crazy stage made him standout nonetheless.

Don’t laugh at ninjas and Jesus just “because.”

YOU’RE LETTING THEM WIN.

Finally, we come to Snake Man.

Amongst the 3, Snake Man stands out as perhaps the most iconic design.

He’s got the crazy snake helmet, with the distinctive ponytail-like portion of the snake sticking out behind him.

Well, as a kid I thought it looked like a ponytail...

He’s got a gimmicky weapon that travels across the floor and just happens to be vital to beating the game.

On top of that, his stage is wonderfully designed, with good, but not great, background music.

Also, the actual fight with Snake Man is pretty intense, largely due to the tiered nature of his arena.

Mega Man battling Snake Man with the Shadow Shuriken.

In my eyes, Snake Man is the tortoise to the hares that are Shadow Man and Gemini Man.

He may not be the flashiest, he’s certainly not a ninja, but for some utterly intangible reason, he’s The Best MAN in Mega Man 3.

By the way, the best stage music in Mega Man 3 is Spark Man’s stage:

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best MAN!!! #2

Alright, we’re back with more Best MAN action!

Today we’re tackling what is widely regarded as the greatest of all Mega Man games, and potentially one of the greatest sequels in all of videogame history, the bombastic powerhouse that is Mega Man 2.

American Box Art for Japanese Games: ASSSSSSSSS

Mega Man 2 was a massive step up in quality from it’s predecessor.

The graphics were more colorful and better animated, the roster of bosses of expanded from 6 to the now traditional 8,

*GASP!* 8 is more than 6!?

it added several new gadgets that would eventually become Rush the dog in Mega Man 3,

Stupid fuckin' dog would straight up LEAVE YOU if you called him at the wrong time...

the difficulty level was tuned to perfection, and the music, good Lord the music; was simply breathtaking.

Personally, I don’t feel it’s an understatement to say that the Title Theme of Mega Man 2 is one of the most iconic tracks in all of gaming.

It has since been adopted as the closest thing to a theme music that Mega Man has ever had, even serving as his background music in the original Marvel vs. Capcom.

Pictured: Mega Man as seen in Marvel Vs. Capcom 2.

Also, I feel that most would agree with me when I say that the background music of Stage 1 of Dr. Wily’s Castle is one of the finest pieces of NES music ever composed.

Mega Man 2 was a fantastic game, though I am still debating whether it truly is the best Mega Man game of all time.

Both Mega Man 2 and 3 were very special to me as a child, and I tend to regard them as equals in that sense.

Someday I’ll man up and take a side, but for today, we’re talkin’ about Mega Man 2, more specifically; who’s The Best MAN!

The answer is:

Quick Man

QUIIIIIICCCCKKKKK MAAAAAANNNNNNNNNN!!!!

In short, Quick Man was a beast.

His stage was crazy fuckin’ hard for all the wrong reasons,

he was generally the last of the 8 robot masters players would face, and to make matters worse he could put up a legitimately good fight if you came in unprepared.

All that, and he had the nerve to have shitty music that sounded like someone pounding out a telegram message:

So why then do I honor Quick Man with The Best MAN honors for Mega Man 2?

Surely the vote should have gone to Bubble Man on account of my childhood love for/relation to him, right?

Good God he's fat...

While that may be (regrettably) true, Quick Man gets the nod for truly the manliest of reasons:

He’s BADASS.

Pictured: Quick Man in his formative years...

Quick Man’s look and personality outside of Mega Man 2 more than make up for his somewhat shitty role in the game.

I mean look at him, he’s got the sleek and sexy design, a cocky glint in his eye, and well, uh, a fuckin’ BOOMERANG for a weapon!

Yeah that’s right, a BOOMERANG!

Don't you dare question the Hogan...

Yeah….

Quick Man = The Shit.

Don’t fuck with me pal, I know where you live…

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Look at Comics: What If… Death’s Head I Had Lived?

Today we’re going to do something different.  Today we’re going to look at comics!  More specifically, Marvel’s What If…? #54:  What If Death’s Head I Had Lived?

Just your average, everyday 90's comic.

Marvel’s What If…? series was a line of comics they created back in the day to allow their authors a venue to explore alternative realities and outcomes to various events in the primary Marvel continuity.  These stories ranged in topic from interesting and clever subjects like:

What If…? Kraven the Hunter had killed Spider-Man? and What If…? The Punisher’s family hadn’t been killed?

While every once in awhile, a random story would come along like, What If…?  Wolverine was the lord of the vampires?

As if I didn't have enough reasons to dislike the X-Men.

In any case, I was not much of a comic fan as a child, much less a fan of the What If…? series.  Despite the fact that I didn’t read many comics, for some reason I was always in the know in regards to whatever the big story of the moment was.  I can’t really explain how it worked out, but by the time I finally got full on into comics as an adult, I was surprised to discover that I really hadn’t missed much.

Anyway, let’s flip open this bad boy and see what’s bad-ass adventures are in store for us…

Power mullet, snake skin boots, denim... everything... This guy's gotta' be the pimpest man alive.

Okay, how about we skip that page, ‘k?

Our story opens in a rainy alley in Manhattan, 2020.  A woman in a trench coat is walking along, when suddenly she looks over her shoulder and…

Typical greeting gesture in New York 2020.

The man she’s pointing the gun at is, as he states, Spratt, Death’s Head’s assistant and partner.  Not that kind of partner, perv.  Following this, Spratt struggles to find the right words to convince the woman that he truly is affiliated with Death’s Head.

Fortunately, Death’s Head shows up to do that for him:

Death's Head: Boy Scout Representative since 1988

Following this, Death’s Head reveals to us that the woman is Dr. Necker, and they apparently have history with one another.  Dr. Necker designed a cyborg for an organization named A.I.M., (Advanced Idea Mechanics) and it just so happens that this particular cyborg went ape-shit one day and decided to take it out on ol’ Death’s Head…

MY GOD! MY GOD! SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, HE IS BROKEN IN HALF!

Of course, that’s what happened in the primary Marvel continuity.  In the What If…?  universe, Death’s Head teleports to safety just in time to avoid being decapitated.

In traditional What If…? fashion, the story cuts away for a couple of pages to allow Uatu the Watcher and his epic forehead to tell us what happened as a result of Death’s Heads, well… death.

Hate to say it, but I think I'm gonna' have to give this one to J-Gar...

You see, Minion, the cyborg that skull-fucked Death’s Head in primary continuity, has a special ability that allows him to assimilate the abilities and minds of anyone he kills.

In the primary continuity, Death’s Head was able to use his final moments to take control of Minion’s mind and become the hero Death’s Head II.

Unfortunately, since this never happened in the What If…? universe, Minion, having been robbed of his 105th target for assimilation, decided to skip Death’s Head for the time being and move on to #106:  Reed Richards.

Yeah, that's the douche.

Minion pwns Mr. Fantastic within 4 panels.  How ironic.

Pwn Count: 1

Yeah, I hate Mr. Fantastic too, but he’s actually kind of important to the story.  Just keep that in the back of your mind for now.

With that, we are treated to a bizarre sequence in which Minion is possessed by the magical essence of a character named Baron Strucker V.  Baron Strucker V apparently has some sort of hatred for A.I.M., and later goes on to become the spiritual conduit for a demon named Charnal, however a search for him on the Marvel wikia reveals… absolutely nothing.  My only guess is that he was a throwaway character who was either too dull to keep around, or… no, I’m pretty sure I’m right on that one.

Anyway, Minion/Strucker goes ape-shit like most possessed super cyborgs do, and decides to bum rush A.I.M. headquarters New York at…

And in a school zone at that! Bastard!

Minion/Strucker cleans house, culminating with him declaring all A.I.M. installations shit out of luck.  Oh yeah, then he squishes Mr. Twenty-Six Miles Per Hour up there’s head.

Meanwhile, back in Manhattan 2020, (Minion is rampaging in the present, er, I mean 1992) Death’s Head is kicking back, shooting the shit with Dr. Necker while Spratt counts up the money she has brought to convince them to help her kill Minion.

You see, Death’s Head is a bounty hunter.  In his original 1988 appearance he was nothing more than a one-shot villain for the Marvel Transformers comic.  Following that however, the writers wisely set about creating a back story for him as an amoral bounty hunter robot, kind of like Star Wars’ IG-88.

After poking fun at Necker for her MASSIVE fuck up in creating Minion to destroy the very evil he has recently started down the road to become, (Charnal) Death’s Head agrees to take on the job… in the pimpest way possible.

No caption necessary.

With that, Death’s Head zips back in time to recruit allies to aid him in battle against Minion.  Allies that are as random as they are SUPER.

I appreciate War Machine's honesty in this panel.

I understand Luke Cage being on board, he was a mercenary like Death’s Head at one point in time.   The Fantastic Four, excuse me, Three, make sense on account of Mr. Fantastic being offed.  Captain America is the ultimate boy scout, use the word “noble cause” around him and he’ll do anything (so sayeth Death’s Head).

Namor and War Machine however, don’t really make a whole lot of sense to me.  I know that Namor was an opponent of the Fantastic Four early on in his career, and that he has since reformed and become a hero of sorts, but I don’t really know of any reason why he would want to avenge Reed Richards’ death.  I always thought he didn’t give a shit unless the oceans were in danger.

And War Machine, well… I guess he’s just in it ’cause Captain America’s got him by his nuts.

'DESE NUTS!

After a bit of superhero banter amongst themselves, the super crew sets out to take on Minion.  Our first glimpse of the epic battle that ensues is, well, an epic one.

And now a word from our sponsors...

Naw, just kidding.  Here we are

Is it me, or did The Thing's hand just turn into strawberry jam?

The battle rages, on, with panels sizes routinely reaching ludicrous proportions.  At one point The Thing is bitch-slapped like through a building, yelling “GNNN!” in the process.  All the while Captain America barks out obvious orders to the team like:

“Keep at him!  Don’t give him a moment!”

“Back off!”

“Take him!”

While I don’t disagree that these are useful commands to use in battle, I can’t help but feel that Cap is playing out his strategy like he’s playing an old school RTS or something.  You’ve got 6 guys Cap, ain’t no way you’re gonna’ be able to pull off a Zerg rush with that.  Don’t even bother with a mass Carrier attack either, that’s just straight up noob.

Like lambs to the mother fucking slaughter Cap...

Somewhere amid all this chaos, Namor makes his only contribution to the battle.

What football looks like in the Marvel universe.

That’s right, a goddamn shoulder tackle.  The Atlantean king, a man blessed with superhuman strength, the ability to breath under water, and fly at will, can manage nothing more than a shoulder tackle?

Oh well, moving on.

War Machine gets bitch-slapped next, only this time Minion takes the time to convert his arm into a crazy T-1000 blade just before doing it.  In response, the Human Torch sets Minion on fire, whereupon Luke Cage steps up to put the big lug in an arm lock.

At this point, Cage calls out to Sue Storm, saying:  “He’s all yours!”

He’s all yours?  What the fuck is the Invisible Woman going to do to someone that just bitch slapped a third of the super team into the stratosphere?

She’s going to do perhaps the coolest thing you’ll see in this comic, that’s what.

Yeeouch! Hot chili!

Holy fucking shit!  I don’t know what the hell just happened, but it was pretty fucking cool!

Being as this is a comic book, Sue is kind enough to provide us with the exposition necessary understand what the fuck she just did.

Turns out she used her invisibility powers to expand an invisible force bubble inside Minion, essentially causing him to “pop like a cork.”

I have no love for the Fantastic Four, but I think Sue Storm just got some brownie points in my book.

Despite this, Minion is pretty much as far from defeat as one can get.  In fact, The Thing follows up the “pop like a cork” incident with his own “bringing down the house” incident.

Haha, Captain America has puns.

In case you’ve been wondering what Death’s Head has been up to during all of this, the answer is:  standing on top of a building well out of harm’s way.

Don’t worry, he’s got a plan, I swear!

Anyway, this marks the turning point of the battle.  Remember how I said Minion had the ability to assimilate abilities by killing people?  Well, he can also kind of do the same thing with whatever you hit him with.

Big, raging, heavy metal-ish, stupidly over-powered super-villains were a mainstay of early 90’s comics, and Minion is no exception.  If you need another example, just look at DC’s Doomsday. (that one guy that killed Superman, coincidentally within the same year that this comic was written)

Anyway, the first beat in Minion’s big comeback comes in the form of removing Namor’s head from his shoulders, with a little help from Captain America…

TK! Team Kill! Haxxorz! Oh yeah, Pwn Count: 2

Followed by using his powers to cause the Human Torch to self-pwn by turning his own flame against him…

Man package conveniently blocked by flames. Pwn Count: 3

Then, within the same page he does this to War Machine…

That's what you get for putting eye holes in your billion dollar power armor, asshole. Pwn Count: 4

Finally, we’re treated to a whole page in which no one is pwned.

Turns out Cage and The Thing didn’t appreciate Minion’s mass pwning of their friends and family, so they go Thunderdome on his ass and smack him around for a bit, then team-up to hold him in place so Sue can have another go at popping him like a cork.

Unfortunately, Minion’s powers are broken as fuck, so there’s no way he’s gonna’ let that happen.

BITCH, HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MY MOVIES!? Pwn Count: 6

With that, Sue wusses out and gets all emotional instead of POPPING HIM LIKE A CORK right then and there.

With that, Minion talks shit to her about pwning her husband, and then proceeds to pwn her, OFF PANEL.

Uh... Pwn Count: 7?

*Sigh* I guess we can’t witness every instance of pwnage.

Following this, Minion squares of with Captain America, referring to him as his “old enemy,” implying they have some sort of history together.

… At this point I honestly don’t care.

Anyway, Minion defeats Captain America OFF PANEL, (urrgh!) just as Dr. Necker is getting ready to jump Death’s Head’s bones over how ruthless he is, letting the super team get pwned just so he can face a somewhat winded Minion.

And wouldn’t you know it, Death’s Head’s opening move against Minion provides us with a panel of Captain America’s post mortem pwnage.

It's okay, just pretend he was alive BEFORE the missile hit. Pwn Count: 8

Being as Minion is a “Cheap-As-Fuck” type Pokémon, the missile attack is not very effective…

An epic, one-on-one battle of sorts plays out, with Death’s Head employing a varied arsenal of tech-heavy weaponry to counter Minion’s infinite super combo gauge.

Okay, well maybe not ALL of it is "tech-heavy."

At this point in the fight however, as one would expect when tangling with a tick-throw pro like Minion, Death’s Head starts to fall behind a bit.

Despite this, he keeps his wits about him and proceeds to taunt Minion, accusing him of corner-trapping and such.

Seriously though, Death’s Head mocks Minion for his using his broken-ass powers as a crutch in battle, claiming that he is an idiot for not employing the use of any of the 105 intellects he has assimilated.

Minion responds to this in pretty much the most childish and idiotic way possible.

...And you're 100% sure that isn't exactly what he wants?

With this, Minion starts “Zzzat”-ing Death’s Head using some sort of telekinesis.

I don’t know, it’s not really explained…

Anyway, SOMETHING happens, and Death’s Head lops off Minion’s head!

You see? THIS is what happens when you turn Final Smash Balls on in Final Destination!

What the fuck just happened!?

Death’s Head exposits to us that, when Minion accessed Reed Richards’ mental powers, (I told you to keep him in mind!) Richards somehow momentarily took control of Minion FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.

My only guess is that Minion’s powers work kind of like Goku’s in Dragonball.  His powers are a manifestation of focus and will, so if he is caught completely off-guard, his powers do nothing to soften the blow.

Don’t believe me?  Go look up that one episode of Dragonball Z where Krillin chucks a rock at Goku when he’s asleep.  Yeah, that’s right, fuck you.

Anyway, the issue ends with Death’s Head being tempted by the prospect of dropping his “Freelance Peacekeeping Agent” title in favor of the more honorable “superhero.”

Uatu plays us out, asking us to decide which reality had the more beneficial result. (Protip: Not the one this comic takes place in)

With that I leave you of this image of Nightcrawler getting ready to put his sausage in Meggan and Shadowcat’s mouths.

Haha, gotcha!

Filed under: Comics, Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Donate