Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Yo Frankie, Happy Birthday.

The Azn Badger would like to take this opportunity to wish a happy birthday to the uncannily pitch-perfect  apex of pimp, Frank Sinatra; who would have been 95 years old today and still able to bag more tail in a night than Charlie Sheen could hope to in a lifetime.

You’ve brought joy to no less than 3 generations of my family’s lineage, and for that you deserve a special post on this blog all to yourself.

Thanks Frankie, and happy birthday.

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Yesterday’s Movie Quiz

Well, here are the answers to yesterday’s (retarded) movie quiz:

#1.  “The one where the bunny throws up and the hippo shoots everyone.”

Answer: Meet the Feebles.


I remember it was sometime when I was around 10 or 11 that I walked in on the ending sequence of Meet the Feebles.

You see, my brother and his friends had been going through their Quentin Tarantino/cult cinema phase of life for the past few years, so it was only natural that I’d walk in on them watching something fucked up at some point in time.

Anyway, the phrase I used to sum up the movie really is just about all I know of it, and will probably never forget for years to come.

#2.  “The one where the alien jumps out of the guy’s chest.”

Answer: Alien (duh).


Come on now, we all know this one, right?

To be honest, I actually saw Aliens before the original Alien, and to this day I still like it better.

The iconic scene in Alien, where John Hurt has a xenomorph bust through his ribcage, is something that is bigger, and better known than the movie as a whole.

Thanks to things like Animaniacs, and Spaceballs, which parodied this sequence, I knew of this key scene long before I ever saw the movie.

Man, what it would’ve been like to have seen Alien without knowing what was coming…

#3.  “The one where the alien’s chest opens up and he pulls out a ray gun and kills everyone.”

Answer: E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.

To be fair, this one is pretty much impossible to get unless you read my post about E.T. awhile back.

In case you missed it, check it out HERE.

Anyway, this was how I knew E.T. until I was in my teens, ’cause up until then I never made it past the opening sequence to disprove my brother’s bullshit (yet oddly superior) description of the opening sequence.

#4.  “The one where Godzilla bleeds (for the first time).”

Answer: Godzilla vs. Gigan.

Well now, this is one that is common knowledge to me, but might be a little bit obscure to others.

The early 70’s was a bloody time for Godzilla movies, as it seemed like the Big G was squirting body fluids like a pedo in a pre-school playground.

*Ahem!* Anyway, in case you didn’t know, (YOU SHOULD) Godzilla got his head cracked open as a result of multiple blows to the head from one of Gigan’s bladed hook arms.

"AND IT'S ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

It was a traumatic experience for me a child, almost as bad as when Angilas got his jaw torn open by Mechagodzilla in Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla.

Let’s hope those American film producers don’t fuck Godzilla up again in 2011, like they did back in 1998

#5.  “The one where the guy gets his head stepped on.”

Answer: Bloodsport.

Gotcha!

Let me guess, you probably thought this one was American History X, am I right?

Well, fuck you, YOU’RE WRONG.

Bloodsport and Kickboxer were the elusive holy grail of R-rated movies for me when I was a little kid.

My brother and his friends talked them up all the time like they were the coolest, and most violent movies ever made.

Well, having seen both Van Damme movies about a billion times, I can honestly say that, while hardly violent by modern standards, both are in fact just as awesome as my brother thought they were way back when.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyway, there is a scene in Bloodsport, where the big dude that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds get’s his head stomped on by the villain, Chong Li.

Chong Li, post head stomp.

I remember overhearing my brother talk about this scene once or twice, and for some reason, that’s what I chose to know Bloodsport by for the first 11 or 12 years of my life.

Then I actually saw the movie, and now I simply know it as “The Greatest Thing in All of Existence.”

#6.  “The one where Batman says, “Eat floor.””

Answer: Batman Returns.

Aw, come on!

Seriously, am I only motherfucker on the planet that remembers this!?

Just like every Batman movie, Batman Returns was hyped to shit, even going so far as to spawn the creation of the oh-so-wonderful Batman: The Animated Series.

Oh yeah, and Happy Meal toys, lots and lots of Happy Meal toys…

I had the 2 on the left...

Anyway, don’t ask me how, but I remember someone telling me that Batman was fighting Catwoman in the movie at one point, and he told her to “Eat floor.”

To this day, I still think that’s fucking awesome.

Only Keaton Batman could get away with saying something so juvenile and bland, and yet still be Batman in my eyes.

Definitely check this one out, ’cause he really says it, and it’s a fucking awesome movie regardless.

#7. “The one with the black rock.”

Answer: 2oo1: A Space Odyssey.

Yeah, I know, this one is just a little bit too vague to be considered a fair quiz question.

You remember the big black monolith that was one of the key elements of 2001?

Well, that’s the “black rock” that I was referring to.

All I knew of 2001 as a kid, was that there was a big, black rectangular “rock” somewhere in there, and that the movie was really fucking long.

To this day, I really don’t care much for 2001.

I guess you have to one of the cool kids to appreciate Kubrick.

#8. “The one with the train that goes too fast.”

Answer: Speed.

Obviously, I labeled this one as a “trick” question because I knew no one would get it.

When I saw the commercials for Speed in the theater and on TV, for whatever fucking reason, all of the snippets taken from the train sequence at the end stuck out to me.

Take a look at this commericial:

The train sequence is like the last 15 minutes of the movie, but it’s featured in quite a bit of the trailer.

Regardless, I know that I was a retarded kid with a limited attention span, so I better not get any nasty comments over this…

Even though I remember Dennis Hopper talking about a bomb on a bus or some shit, my young mind latched onto those images of the train, and filed them away as the key components of the film in Azn Badger land.

I remember the day I actually got to sit down and watch the VHS of Speed, my dad asked me if I wanted to see it, and I said to him:

“Oh, the one on the train right?”

I remember him giving me one of those, “maybe I shouldn’t have fed him paint chips as a baby” looks, and then promptly corrected me.

Pretty much...

Sadly, the amazingly awesome version of Speed that I crafted in my imagination, the one that took place on a train, was smashed that evening, only to be replaced by the amazingly awesome version that is the real Speed.

Anyway, hope you had fun with this, I sure as hell.

So many retarded childhood memories…

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best MAN!!! #6

Get your shit kickin’ boots on folks, ’cause today’s gonna’ be a real slobber-knocker!

That’s right kids, today we’re gonna’ be talkin’ about Mega Man 6!

More specifically, we’re gonna’ be deciding just who’s The Best MAN in Mega Man 6.

Mega Man 6 holds a special place in my heart.

I remember I got Mega Man 4, 5 and 6 as birthday presents from my parents on my 11th birthday.

Keep in mind this was 1998, or, more importantly, 2 whole console generations removed from the days when the good ole’ gray box was at all relevant.

1998: The Azn Badger's mother apologizes to him after his annual birthday movie outing for the first, and only time.

Me being me though, I was very thankful to my parents, and went to great lengths to play the shit out of my new Mega gifts.

At this point in time I had yet to play, let alone of hear of a Mega Man beyond #4, making 5 and 6 a special treat for me.

This guy has one more "special treat" and he's gonna' have a coronary... AGAIN.

Based on some of my harsh words regarding Mega Man 5 yesterday, I’m sure many of you can deduce how I felt about that game as a kid.

Well, despite Mega Man 5 sucking a monster of a Blackanese cock, I really enjoyed Mega Man 6.

In fact, of the 3 games gifted to me, 6 was the only one I beat on it’s original cartridge.

Yup, still got it.

The basic plot of Mega Man 6 involved yet another scenario wherein Dr. Wily is not the villain from the get-go.

THAT EVIL MOTHER FUCKER!!!

This time around, a mysterious man named Mr. X hosts a global exhibition of robot engineering, only to use this event as a means to steal 8 of the world’s most powerful robots to use for his evil machinations.

No way, he doesn't look ANYTHING like Dr. Wily...

Long story short, Mega Man sets out to battle Mr. X, only to later find that Mr. X is actually Dr. Wily in disguise (no fucking duh).

Am I really supposed to be intimidated here, or what?

Mega Man 6 added a decent amount of new stuff to the series.

While this once again served to over-complicate much of the gameplay, unlike #5, many of the additions were actual attempts to try something different.

Most notable among these additions were a pair of new Rush adapters, called “Jet Mega Man” and “Power Mega Man.”

The “Jet” adapter, shown on the box cover, allowed the player to fly to a certain extent by holding the jump button in mid-air.

The “Power” adapter, or “Mega Man Football Pads” as I referred to them as a kid, allowed the player to shoot powerful short range blasts, as well as use charge shots to blow up cracked blocks.

Both of these adapters, while causing Mega Man to become incapable of sliding; served to expand the gameplay by affording the player new options in how to approach each stage.

Consequently, the level design featured numerous branching paths for each stage that often required the player to use these Rush adapters to traverse or reach.

While none of these alternate routes were required to beat the game, clearing 4 out of 8 of the robot master stages via these routes would reward the player with that useless fucking bird, Beat.

Yup, still fat, and still useless...

On a side note, an elementary, but previously unexplored addition to the gameplay of Mega Man 6, was the Energy Balancer, given to the player by Proto Man upon finding him in Tomahawk Man’s stage.

The Energy Balancer allowed the player to pick up weapon power items and have that energy allocated to the weapons that need it most, automatically.

This was a huge time saver, and should’ve been in the series from day one, however Mega Man 6 was the first game to have this feature.

Subsequent titles in the series have since made this a standard feature of gameplay, albeit one that still needs to be purchased or discovered in-game.

Even of this hippie-dippy-gobbledy-gook though, let’s get down to who’s The Best MAN!

Well, that’d have to be…

Yamato Man

YAMATOOOOOOOOOOOO MANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

While pretty much all of the designs in Mega Man 6 are excellent, determining which was The Best MAN was a fairly simple matter.

Let me walk you through the process:

First of all, Plant Man and Centaur Man are out on account of being fruitcakes.

PUSSIES.

You see, the prime issue is that they lack the MAN factor that is implied when searching for The Best MAN.

Moving on, Blizzard Man and Wind Man = FAT.  ‘Nuff said.

FATTIES.

While a decent enough MAN, Flame Man was always the first guy that I would take on, (either that or Plant Man) so, like Metal Man in Mega Man 2, even though I like his design a lot, he’s too much of a wimp to be true MAN material.

ANOTHER PUSSY.

That leaves us with 3 MEN to work with: Knight Man, Tomahawk Man, and Yamato Man.

While all 3 have great background music and cool weapons, Knight Man was the first cut due to being a truly pathetic challenge when you finally get around to fighting him.

Yes, he is in fact wearing a lampshade while holding a big black dildo.

Tomahawk Man had my favorite background music in the game:

Despite this, my decision ultimately boiled down to who was the most fun/hardest to fight, and that, for the 11 year old Azn Badger; was always Yamato Man.

Both guys only had 2 attacks, but 1 of Yamato Man’s involved him shooting his spear head at you, and then dashing across the room to retrieve it.

Yamato Man used Skull Bash! It's Super Effective!

Tomahawk Man’s moves were both horizontal projectiles that were relatively easy to jump over.

Tomahawk Man used Feather Dance! It's Not Very Effective...

While I could sometimes squeak by Tomahawk Man without the Plant Barrier, I always needed the Silver Tomahawk to take down Yamato Man as a kid.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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