Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

The Best MAN!!! #6

Get your shit kickin’ boots on folks, ’cause today’s gonna’ be a real slobber-knocker!

That’s right kids, today we’re gonna’ be talkin’ about Mega Man 6!

More specifically, we’re gonna’ be deciding just who’s The Best MAN in Mega Man 6.

Mega Man 6 holds a special place in my heart.

I remember I got Mega Man 4, 5 and 6 as birthday presents from my parents on my 11th birthday.

Keep in mind this was 1998, or, more importantly, 2 whole console generations removed from the days when the good ole’ gray box was at all relevant.

1998: The Azn Badger's mother apologizes to him after his annual birthday movie outing for the first, and only time.

Me being me though, I was very thankful to my parents, and went to great lengths to play the shit out of my new Mega gifts.

At this point in time I had yet to play, let alone of hear of a Mega Man beyond #4, making 5 and 6 a special treat for me.

This guy has one more "special treat" and he's gonna' have a coronary... AGAIN.

Based on some of my harsh words regarding Mega Man 5 yesterday, I’m sure many of you can deduce how I felt about that game as a kid.

Well, despite Mega Man 5 sucking a monster of a Blackanese cock, I really enjoyed Mega Man 6.

In fact, of the 3 games gifted to me, 6 was the only one I beat on it’s original cartridge.

Yup, still got it.

The basic plot of Mega Man 6 involved yet another scenario wherein Dr. Wily is not the villain from the get-go.

THAT EVIL MOTHER FUCKER!!!

This time around, a mysterious man named Mr. X hosts a global exhibition of robot engineering, only to use this event as a means to steal 8 of the world’s most powerful robots to use for his evil machinations.

No way, he doesn't look ANYTHING like Dr. Wily...

Long story short, Mega Man sets out to battle Mr. X, only to later find that Mr. X is actually Dr. Wily in disguise (no fucking duh).

Am I really supposed to be intimidated here, or what?

Mega Man 6 added a decent amount of new stuff to the series.

While this once again served to over-complicate much of the gameplay, unlike #5, many of the additions were actual attempts to try something different.

Most notable among these additions were a pair of new Rush adapters, called “Jet Mega Man” and “Power Mega Man.”

The “Jet” adapter, shown on the box cover, allowed the player to fly to a certain extent by holding the jump button in mid-air.

The “Power” adapter, or “Mega Man Football Pads” as I referred to them as a kid, allowed the player to shoot powerful short range blasts, as well as use charge shots to blow up cracked blocks.

Both of these adapters, while causing Mega Man to become incapable of sliding; served to expand the gameplay by affording the player new options in how to approach each stage.

Consequently, the level design featured numerous branching paths for each stage that often required the player to use these Rush adapters to traverse or reach.

While none of these alternate routes were required to beat the game, clearing 4 out of 8 of the robot master stages via these routes would reward the player with that useless fucking bird, Beat.

Yup, still fat, and still useless...

On a side note, an elementary, but previously unexplored addition to the gameplay of Mega Man 6, was the Energy Balancer, given to the player by Proto Man upon finding him in Tomahawk Man’s stage.

The Energy Balancer allowed the player to pick up weapon power items and have that energy allocated to the weapons that need it most, automatically.

This was a huge time saver, and should’ve been in the series from day one, however Mega Man 6 was the first game to have this feature.

Subsequent titles in the series have since made this a standard feature of gameplay, albeit one that still needs to be purchased or discovered in-game.

Even of this hippie-dippy-gobbledy-gook though, let’s get down to who’s The Best MAN!

Well, that’d have to be…

Yamato Man

YAMATOOOOOOOOOOOO MANNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!

While pretty much all of the designs in Mega Man 6 are excellent, determining which was The Best MAN was a fairly simple matter.

Let me walk you through the process:

First of all, Plant Man and Centaur Man are out on account of being fruitcakes.

PUSSIES.

You see, the prime issue is that they lack the MAN factor that is implied when searching for The Best MAN.

Moving on, Blizzard Man and Wind Man = FAT.  ‘Nuff said.

FATTIES.

While a decent enough MAN, Flame Man was always the first guy that I would take on, (either that or Plant Man) so, like Metal Man in Mega Man 2, even though I like his design a lot, he’s too much of a wimp to be true MAN material.

ANOTHER PUSSY.

That leaves us with 3 MEN to work with: Knight Man, Tomahawk Man, and Yamato Man.

While all 3 have great background music and cool weapons, Knight Man was the first cut due to being a truly pathetic challenge when you finally get around to fighting him.

Yes, he is in fact wearing a lampshade while holding a big black dildo.

Tomahawk Man had my favorite background music in the game:

Despite this, my decision ultimately boiled down to who was the most fun/hardest to fight, and that, for the 11 year old Azn Badger; was always Yamato Man.

Both guys only had 2 attacks, but 1 of Yamato Man’s involved him shooting his spear head at you, and then dashing across the room to retrieve it.

Yamato Man used Skull Bash! It's Super Effective!

Tomahawk Man’s moves were both horizontal projectiles that were relatively easy to jump over.

Tomahawk Man used Feather Dance! It's Not Very Effective...

While I could sometimes squeak by Tomahawk Man without the Plant Barrier, I always needed the Silver Tomahawk to take down Yamato Man as a kid.

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The Best MAN!!! #5

After the hootenanny of character design awesomeness that was Mega Man 4, most of us were left thinking, “what the fuck kind of crazy awesomeness can the guys over at Capcom possibly follow this up with?”

The answer, unfortunately, was about 2 thirds crazy, and 1 third awesome.

Ladies and gentleman, it’s time to tangle with the odd bird that is Mega Man 5.

Really diggin' the Mega Man stiff arm.

Mega Man 5 is a really fuckin’ weird game.

The story was some hackneyed bullshit wherein Proto Man was set-up as the main villain, only to have it revealed later that he is in fact innocent, and, guess what, Dr. Wily was the actual mastermind.

THAT EVIL MOTHER FUCKER!!!

In terms of graphics and sound, it was a significant step up from it’s predecessors, and even the gameplay was pretty solid as well.

Yep, they actually gave those little Met fuckers jet packs and space helmets...

It was the design of the game that hurt it.

For the first time in Mega Man history, the player was faced with issue that there were one too many features.

While Mega Man 5 was far from innovative, in fact it was one of the more “phoned-in” games in the series, what little it added was the straw that broke the camels back, the last block pulled from the Jenga tower.

That's right, Jenga mother fuckers!

Some of the (few) features that Mega Man 5 brought to the table were more intricate level designs, a new weapon called the Super Arrow, and Beat, the fighting bird that could be earned after collecting letters in all 8 of the robot master stages to form the phrase “M-E-G-A-M-A-N-V.”

Fuckin' worthless-ass turd burglar...

By the way, despite the level of dedication required to activate Beat, he’s pretty much useless.

He’s like the equivalent of using Zero for 1 third of a stage in Mega Man X3.

The best thing Zero did in X3 was get his ass kicked for me so I could jack his beam saber.

Oh you know you gonna' gimme' 'dat shit son...

For real man, Zero is like the Trunks of the Mega Man X series.

Everybody and their mother thinks he’s the bees knees, suckin’ his cock left and right, but if ever you ask them “why?” they can’t come with anything close to an answer.

Know why he smilin'? 'Cause you suckin' his dick, that's why.

It’s gotta’ be the hair or some shit, I swear…

Anyway, bullshit tangents aside, like I said, while it wasn’t a horrible game by any means, Mega Man 5  was kind of a lazy effort by Capcom, and was also the first in the series to begin to feel over-saturated.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that the character designs were some of the weirdest in series history up until the fuck-sandwich that is Sheep Man?

Yet another reason as to why I haven't played Mega Man 9 or 10...

Good thing “weird” doesn’t necessarily mean “bad,” (it does when you’re talking about sack-donkeys like Sheep Man) ’cause it’s about time we got down to deciding who’s The Best MAN!

Well, among the side-show freaks and fuck-tards that are the cast of Mega Man 5, The Best MAN would have to be…

Gyro Man

GYRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO MAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNN!!!!!

Like Mega Man 3, this one was a toughy.

Unlike that game however, I had no real attachment to any of the robot masters in Mega Man 5.

I mean shit, look at ’em:

TRAIN DUDE!!? MISSILE FACE!? PEARL MAN!!? WTF!!!!!????

Mega Man 5’s cast of robot masters was unique, I’ll give it that.

Even as a kid, I seriously didn’t think they’d actually make a “Star Man,” but hey, I’m not a videogame designer, what do I know…

The real difficulty in choosing who was The Best MAN in Mega Man 5 sprung from 1 simple personal debate:

Crystal Man or Gyro Man?

Really, that’s all it came down to, but I have to admit it gave me some issues.

Pretty much every other robot master in the game is ass-faced failure, to the point in which I was left with only 2 guys I really had any sort of appreciation for.

You wanna’ know how I made my decision?

Well, I started, of course, by looking at their designs.

I liked both, but to be honest I felt I liked Crystal Man just a little bit more.

Sexy...

Something about his color scheme and strong body shape just “did it” for me.

Next, I moved on to their stage music.

Gyro Man:

Crystal Man:

No contest here.

Point, Gyro Man.

Normally I’d insert a comment here about who was the tougher challenge, but seeing as both guys were pussies, I’m left with nothing more to say other than, well, they were pussies.

"Who, me?"

The final deciding factor ended up being my (fragmented) memories of that goddamn Mega Man cartoon.

While Gyro Man’s appearance in the show WAS RETARDED AS FUCK, at least it wasn’t as bad as Crystal Man’s.

If I remember correctly, Crystal Man fought Mega Man on the moon, got his chest bulb shot out, and generally just got shat on for the entire half hour.

What the fuck is up with American redesigns of Japanese shiieeet!!!??

Gyro Man at least got to wear a wig and pretend to be in a shitty 90’s rock band with Gemini Man and Spark Man

Lookit' them pointy shoulders... That's how you know it's the early 90's.

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