Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Cool Movie Idea

I’m an “idea” guy.

I’m one of those guys that can come with some of the coolest shit you’ve ever heard of, ON A DAILY FUCKING BASIS; though I rarely ever sit down and actually carry said ideas from conception to reality.

In case you couldn’t tell, it kind of sucks to be an “idea” guy.

That being said, today I had another idea for a movie; though as always tends to be the case with everything I post on this blog, I’m really hoping to try and make something of it.

You see, a friend of mine has access to several acres of empty forest and unobstructed farmland.

Part of the problem with most of the films I’ve wanted to make in my life, is the fact that I’ve rarely had ready access to a reliable location.

None of my friends have homes that are easy to maneuver a camera in, and most of the stuff I’d like to film outdoors is on the more violent side; making it somewhat inappropriate to film in public parks.

In that sense, having access to the aforementioned farmland should serve to win us half the battle.

Anyway, the basic premise my friends and I started from today in a brainstorm, was that of a classic Western sort of film.

Based on the fact that we don’t exactly have much money or people to work with, it was decided that a minimalist Western or post-apocalyptic film would be a good genre to work from.

I myself am leaning towards the idea of portraying the film as being “out of time,” meaning time and place are essentially irrelevant or intentionally inconsistent.

My reasoning for this is the fact that decent looking period clothing and accessories are not something I have ready access to, and I’d rather not make a fool of myself trying to pretend I do with cheap knock-off materials.

That being said, my idea casts a mysterious hero as a wanderer through a purgatory of sorts.

Basically, the movie would involve said protagonist waking up in a barren wasteland, neither alive nor dead.

Trapped in limbo, the hero is informed by a longtime resident of the doldrums that the only way to escape from purgatory is to retrieve A MACGUFFIN from a number of men wandering the wastes.

Of course, being as this is a movie idea from the Azn Badger, retrieval of said MacGuffin’s will ultimately involve much fighting and violence.

Oh yeah, and luchador masks… Lots and lots of luchador masks…

The real catch however, is the fact that it’s not certain what reward awaits the hero at the end of his journey I.E. heaven or hell or maybe even a return to Earthly existence.

The fun of this premise, to me at least; is the fact that the rules of the world it’s set in don’t have to be clearly defined to work as an entertaining story.

Said premise allows the viewer to come up with explanations of their own, while at once allowing me to approach it with my own concrete ideas in mind.

In my mind, the purgatory of this film is meant to be a transitional plain of existence, one that many visit; but none permanently reside in.

The MacGuffins represent fragments of a previous form of authority in purgatory, one that was previously destroyed by those that carry them currently.

This has the effect of cutting purgatory off from the other supernatural realms, resulting in no one being able to move on to heaven or hell.

The carriers of the MacGuffins aren’t exactly evil per se, rather they are simply selfish individuals that have chosen to obstruct the natural order of things in order to claim dominion over purgatory.

In a sense, they take on the mindset of a convict, choosing to carve out a place for themselves in prison despite their circumstances.

The fun part of all this explanation though, is the fact, should I actually get around to filming it; I don’t think I’d include much of it at all.

The end result would probably be the equivalent to a Metal Gear movie, with a hero that wanders around for awhile, only to end up fighting really cool “boss characters” in between story beats.

Oh yeah, and let’s not forget the cryptic-ass plot that nobody gets…

With enough enthusiasm, and some cool characters, I think this movie could really work.

I’m gonna’ keep working on it, but so far I think I’m off to a good start.

What do you think?

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Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Top 10 Manliest Man Moments #10: Beard-Shiro

Alrighty boys ‘n girls, it’s been a long time coming, but today we’re finally kickin’ off a new Top 10 list.

This time around we’re gonna’ be venturing into the depths of MANLY cinema to dig up the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments in movie history.

Better buckle your ass down, ’cause for the next 10 days, testosterone levels are gonna’ shoot through the roof, energy drinks will be consumed en masse, fake boobies will be squeezed, Tapout gear’ll be worn 24/7, and no opportunity to apply the principles of infighting will be missed out on.

Okay, maybe things won’t get that meatheaded around here; at least I hope not…

Pictured: The poster boy for a generation...

In any case, expect much violence, feats of strength, and epic acts of selfless heroism to be the core subjects explored over the next 10 days.

That being said, while things may in fact get a little meat head-y in the immediate future, bear with me, ’cause believe me; this shit’s gonna’ be awesome.

Anyway, let’s get the ball rollin’ with the first entry in our list, the 10th Manliest Man Moment as seen in Hokuto No Ken: The Movie:

Hokuto No Ken AKA Fist of the North Star is perhaps the MANLIEST anime or manga in existence.

Except maybe Golgo 13…  Golgo 13’s the shit.

THAT FUCKING PIMP.

To the sad few that might not be aware of it, Hokuto No Ken takes the post-apocalyptic world of Mad Max, re-casts a Japanese Bruce Lee as the main character; and features (numerous) instances of him blowing people the fuck up by TOUCHING THEM as it’s core plot point.

If that’s not fuckin’ MANLY, then I don’t know what is.

Oh wait, THIS:

Anyway, the main character of Hokuto No Ken is an insanely powerful martial artist named Kenshiro.

Kenshiro is essentially your basic Yojimbo-esque silent do-gooder, albeit one that dispenses justice with the body exploding martial art of Hokuto Shinken as opposed to say, a six-shooter or katana.

Throughout the series, Ken kills an ungodly number of people; almost always in horribly gruesome fashion.

While any one of said kills could easily be ranked as one of the Manliest Man Moments in movies, or at least the goriest; such instances of bone-crunching blood fuck-ery occur in Hokuto No Ken with such alarming regularity; that it kind of loses it’s luster after awhile.

I hate to say it, but you can only see a guy’s intestines fall out, or his head explode so many times before it starts to seem routine.

Dude, Neutrogena. Look into it.

Well okay, maybe not routine; but you know what I mean.

Anyway, as weird as it may sound, perhaps the most badass thing Kenshiro ever did in Hokuto No Ken actually involved no maiming or butchering.

Well, “very little” maiming or butchering anyway…

You see, perhaps the most awesome thing Ken ever did in all of Hokuto No Ken and it’s spin-offs, was get his ass whupped and grow a pimp-ass fuckin’ beard:

Pictured: The beard equivalent to Sam Elliot's mustache.

While that is indeed perhaps the pimpest beard in all of existence, I have to admit; simply bearing it isn’t enough to constitute a slot on this list.

Thankfully, Kenshiro manages to one-up the awesomeness of his newly bearded visage almost immediately by, you guessed it; turning some grossly outmatched thugs into salsa waterballoons.

Not only that, he does so after essentially RETURNING FROM THE FUCKING DEAD.

At the beginning of the movie, we’re treated to a sequence wherein Ken gets his ass handed to him by a blond douchebag named Shin.

And of course by "ass handed to him" I mean he got 7 holes poked into his torso by Shin's fingers.

Flash forward sometime later, and we find a couple of kids named Bat/Bart and Lin/Rin (sorry, Japanese is weird like that…) being attacked by some Road Warrior thugs.

Literally seconds away from being mudhole stomped to death by a biker dude, Lin/Rin throws on a PURPLE FUCKING AURA and summon her random fuckin’ psychic powers to call out to Kenshiro, who just happens to be nearby.

From there, Ken’s second appearance in Hokuto No Ken: The Movie sees him literally RISE FROM HIS GRAVE to save the kids looking like Swamp Thing or some shit.

Now, while that may not sound that awesome, bear in mind that Mr. Kenshiro then proceeds to absent mindedly knock a couple of skyscrapers down WITH HIS FISTS.

Not only that, one of said buildings actually falls on Mud Man Kenshiro’s head, and he justs keeps right on walking like nothing happened.

Hell, the building even waits for him to walk out from under it to finish falling over!

Immediately following this, Ken struts his way up to the thugs; shedding his Mud Man getup along the way to reveal:

An awesomely pimptastic hood and beard combo!

BAM! Stylish!

As awesome as the “Deployment of the Beard” was, the real icing on the cake is the fact that this magnificently MANLY entrance sequence is wasted on a handful of some of the lowliest and most puny thugs in the entire Hokuto No Ken universe.

Despite having just seen the man-mountain before them RISE FROM THE GRAVE and KNOCK FUCKING BUILDINGS DOWN WITH HIS BARE HANDS, in classic kung fu movie fashion; the thugs proceed to pull knives and crossbows on ‘ole Ken.

10 bucks says Ken's dick is sharper than that knife...

Not only that, during all of this the motherfucker that was stompin’ a mudhole on little Lin/Rin doesn’t even think to take his boot off of her.

The girl put up a PURPLE FUCKIN’ AURA while you were stomping her and then a muddy fuckin’ Juggernaut came back to life, started wreckin’ buildings n’shit, and then proceeded to march straight towards your ass with GLOWING RED FUCKING EYES.

Even if the dude failed to make the connection between the Mud Man and the girl, you’d think he’d at least, y’know; stop doing what he was doing, or better yet, RUN THE FUCK AWAY.

Regardless, rest assured the dude that made with the stompage is the first to get it… BAAAAAAAAAADDDD….

Yeah, pretty sure your eye's not supposed to do that...

From there, Ken proceeds make goopy cherry Jell-O out of the rest of the gang, caving in faces and the like.

This isn’t the most creative of Ken’s beatdowns in Hokuto No Ken, given that it favors speed and efficiency over brutality and rage; however for what it’s worth, I’m pretty sure none of the bad guys make it out of the fight able to wear hats anymore.

Oh yeah, and none of them lived either, which is a plus.

You see they ain't got heads no more, so hats would be... Yeah, dumb joke; I know...

As mentioned above, this sequence was far from the most brutal moments in Hokuto No Ken history, however the awesomeness of the entrance; coupled with the ultra-rare appearance of Beard-Shiro put this one high on my list in terms of badass moments in movies.

Well, #10 anyway…

That being said, this was just the beginning of the Azn Badger’s Top 10 Manliest Man Moments in movies.

Check back tomorrow for more MANLINESS as we move on to Manly Moment #9!

Filed under: Comics, Kung Fu, Movies, Top 10 Manliest Man Moments, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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