Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

I Don’t “Get” Fashion…

So many douches... I can't tell who's douchiest!

Seriously man, what the fuck is all that supposed to be!?

I swear, they look like a bunch of snowboarding trust-a-farian hipsters or some shit.

Though all of them look like epic douches, personally I find the dude in on the left to be douchiest.

His big floppy hat/leather jacket combo are less colorful, and therefore more “low key” than the other 2 guy’s outfits; but to me it just seems grossly uncoordinated.

I suppose it doesn’t help that he has some sort of gaudy yellow sash/phallus hanging between his legs…

Anyway, if you thought those guys looked bad, take a look at this shit:

... Holy shit, I think I'm blind.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Wow, words can’t describe how nasty that all looks.

From left to right we’ve got a gnome-hat and life jacket wearing trust-a-farian, a argyle pants-ed hipster doofus, and… Man I don’t even know what’s up with that last guy.

I don’t “get” fashion, but based on the designs in these photos; I really can’t say that’s a bad thing.

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In A Wholly Expected Circumstance Of Fate, Something Bad Happened At Work Today!

I should’ve known something was up when I won that Zune yesterday.

As they say, “nothing in life comes free,” and wouldn’t you know it, I ended up paying for a Bill Gate’s take on Jobs’ Ipod with my health and safety.

That’s right folks, after months of slogging it out in the warehouse, the Azn Badger has finally succumbed to the horrors of “wrist strain.”

Hah, had you thinkin’ I got impaled by a forklift or some shit, didn’t I?

You see, today was one of those weird days where everything was almost absurdly slow, to the point in which many people were sent home early.

Despite this, as per the Amazon routine, the last 3 hours of the day were absolute balls to the wall insanity of last minute orders, cancellations, and diapers, lots and lots of diapers…

Being as I am now the resident whipping boy (I’m apparently subbing in for my friend who was laid off not too long ago) of the warehouse, I was of course scheduled to ship during said 3 hours of mayhem and chaos.

With about 2 and a half shipping lines worth of volume bearing down on me, not to mention the hoard of shit-for-brains seasonal workers constantly breathing down my neck with priority packages for me, (DON’T JUST SHOW IT TO ME, LEAVE IT IN THE GODDAMN TOTE ASS-HAT) I think it’s safe to say I was rushing just a bit.

With time being very much of the essence, I found myself reaching back at odd angles to snag packages off the line, which after 2 hours or so; began to ’cause me quite a bit of discomfort.

During the last 30 minutes of the day, I was told to go meander the aisles and pick inventory for the night shift, y’know; like yah’ do.

With barely 15 minutes left in the day I planted my feet and turned my very full picking cart into the main aisle to return it to the staging area, when all of a sudden I felt this “pop” in my wrist.

I felt a sharp pain, stopped in my tracks, and said aloud to myself:

“Oh man, that can’t be good.”

Sure enough, the next time I tried lifting something, a small hardback book; I felt an annoying tinge of pain in my wrist.

Following that, I reported my injury to my manager, as per company regulations; and then got sent off to the nurse’s office just like in elementary school.

Although thankfully I was vomiting or bleeding from my nose like I used to back in the day.

Yeah, the Azn Badger was kind of a sickly child way back when…

Anyway, I mentioned that this all happened in the last few minutes of the work day, right?

Well, as it turns out, getting a case of “wrist strain” at Amazon necessitates an hour long visit with the nurse filling out paperwork and talking over symptoms and treatments.

Now, while I kind of wish it hadn’t taken quite so long, I was honestly quite surprised to learn that my time spent in there counted as being on the clock.

Huh, now that I think of it, maybe getting hurt wasn’t all that bad.

The injury itself is minor at best, plus I just earned 10 bucks for sitting down and having a pleasant conversation with the silly nurse lady. (She’s silly, so I call her the silly nurse lady.  Tee hee.)

Anyway, sorry for the lame post; but be thankful you even got one.

I’m taking this “rehabilitation” crap pretty seriously, to the point in which this entire 600+ word post was written using just my right hand.

That’s dedication…

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Work Makes Me Hate The World

This week was my first 60 hour work week at Amazon.

By the end, I was finding aches in parts of my body that no 23 year old man should have aches in.

Young men such as myself should never have to worry about pain in their knees and lower back, but as I sit typing this post; I hurt pretty much all over.

Not only that, I’m finding that working for so many days consecutively leaves me feeling bitter to the point in which I think it would be best if I just stayed away from people for the next 24 hours.

We’ll call it a “cooling off” period.

Speaking of “cool,” I was in the freezer, that is; the massive, -2o degree industrial freezer, every day this week, so rest assured I’m very much full of Hulk rage at the moment.

And I don’t mean gray Hulk rage either, I’m talkin’ full on, green and mean Hulk rage…

 

Haha, Hulk speak is funny...

That being said, I’ll sum up by saying I hope no of you had to work like I did these past 6 days, and if you did; you have my deepest sympathies.

Here’s to the next 3 days of freedom.

By the way, if you happen to bump into me on the street tomorrow, don’t say “hi,” otherwise I’ll probably let out a Howard Dean-esque battle cry and tear your scalp off and feed it to you.

Seriously:  Don’t poke the badger when he’s in “hate the world” mode…

Filed under: Comics, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Way To Keep Sane At Work #47: Squeezing Random Squeezeables

Today was a really slow day at work.

When things get slow at Amazon, I find that I have more than a few options in terms of how I can prevent the onset of tedium induced insanity.

First on the list, is to talk to myself; sometimes using goofy voices just for the hell of it.

Though that’s usually my go-to method of keeping myself sane at work, the possibilities for potentially embarrassing encounters with co-workers is honestly just a little bit too high to be practical.

Seriously, no one wants to get caught playing out a conversation between Hulk Hogan and the Ultimate Warrior all by their lonesome, that’s just plain embarrassing.

Trust me, the last time it happened to me, I got some truly fucked up sideways glances for it…

*Ahem!* Anyway, my second favorite method of keeping sane at work, is to sing to myself.

Let it be known, the Azn Badger is not someone known for his singing ability.

My choice of songs?

Well, though I’ve been partial to the Tiger Mask and Kikaida theme songs, lately I’ve been singing I’ll Make A Man Out Of You and Gaston from Mulan and Beauty and the Beast respectively.

How the fuck I’ve managed to remember the lyrics to those songs after all these years is beyond me.

Maybe it has something to do with Gaston being the pimpest and most manly song in all of existence…

Anyway, though those are my 2 most commonly practiced methods of retaining my sanity at work, as the title of this article indicates; there is another method I’d like to bring up.

Said method would be squeezing the various squeezable products in the warehouse.

Pretty fuckin’ random, right?

You see, all my life I’ve had this problem with always having to grip things in my hands.

I pick something up, or something is given to me, and for whatever reason; I have difficulty putting it down.

Needless to say, I’m one of those guys that routinely carries too much shit at once, only to end up dropping it all.

It’s a weird quirk, almost Bob Dole-like in it’s grip related tenacity.

We all remember HIM, right?

Although ‘ole Bob did have the advantage of being able to wave his behavior off as a result of war injuries.

Unlike me.  I’m just weird is all.

*Ahem!* Getting to the point, when you’re really fuckin’ bored, you’ll find that doing truly retarded shit like squeezing wedges of brie can make all the difference in relieving your boredom.

Don’t ask me why, but the inherent squishiness of brie makes it just perfect for drive-by squeezings…

Now if only I could eat this without getting the shits for a week...

While squeezing the brie is easily my favorite squeeze related activity at work, there’s a few other items in the warehouse that deserve special mention.

Chief among these is a truly bizarre, and downright creepy looking plush toy called a Sing-A-Ma-Jig.

KILL IT WITH FIRE.

I don’t know if it was the designers intention, but I feel it’s worth mentioning that the Sing-A-Ma-Jig’s mouth honestly looks like the orifice of a sea anemone.

Either that or it looks like an anus.

Check that, it definitely looks like an anus.

And this is considered kid friendly in this day and age?

Anyway, the real fun of squeezing this goofy looking toy, comes from the fact that doing so causes it’s anus mouth to simulate a singing motion, while a single musical note plays through a device inside it for the entire duration of said squeeze.

Repeated squeezing of the Sing-A-Ma-Jig results in a new sound of a different tonality, resulting in much hilarity when the Sing-A-Ma-Jig is squeezed rapidly.

Yes, I am in fact annoying as fuck to work with.

The other squeezeable I’d like to mention, is the Alligator Squeak Mat.

Not recommended for parents with a low tolerance for noise related annoyances...

This guy got me through some rough days, no foolin’.

Here’s an indication of how much squeeze related fun one can have at work with an Alligator Squeak Mat:

Imagine the joy of your basic squeak toy and the amount of annoying ass squeaking that can be accomplished with said toy.

Now take those 2 factors, and multiply them by 20.

Oh yeah, and factor in the fact that said squeak toy just happens to be an alligator AKA an amazingly awesome animal.

20 SQUEAKERS.

Seriously man, some may think that’s a few squeakers too many for a child’s squeak toy, but me; personally I think it’s genius.

That’s 20 different squeaky noises that one can generate, if you’re like me and like to be an ass, you squeeze ’em all at once to make one massive uber squeak.

Did I mention I can be annoying when I’m bored at work?

Anyway, I honestly had nothing to write about tonight, so I decided I would do just that.

For 800 words or so…

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Watch the Top 100 Goriest Films!

He's not nearly on the list, but I guarantee you Pennywise the Clown is 20 times scarier than any of the psycho killers in the Top 100...

Last week, a coworker of mine mentioned that he had stumbled across a list of the Top 100 Goriest Films.

The list originated from the longstanding and well-respected horror news site, Bloody Disgusting.com.

Said coworker was kind enough to inform me that he  had committed himself to eventually working his way through every film on the list.

Upon hearing this, my first response was to say to myself:

Then I got all serious and I was like:

“Shit, that sounds like a fun project.  I should do that too!”

Being as I don’t have a whole lot of inspiration as a writer right now, I figure this may be a good way to force myself into pounding out a post every so often.

That being said, 100 movies is, quite frankly, a shit ton of movies.

Thankfully I’ve already seen 51 of them, leaving me with an almost manageable 49 to deal with.

For those who care, here is a repost of the list (thanks to Tim Wambolt for compiling this, coded for my convenience:

*= Seen it.

$= Want to see it.

?= What the fuck is this shit?…

1. DEAD ALIVE ($)
2. HOSTEL*
3. TAE GUK GI: THE BROTHERHOOD OF WAR*
4. EVIL DEAD 2: DEAD BY DAWN*
5. HELLRAISER 2: HELLBOUND*
6. NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD*
7. A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET*
8. VERSUS*
9. ICHI THE KILLER*
10. BATTLE ROYALE*
11. RIKI-O: THE STORY OF RICKI*
12. DEAD OR ALIVE*
13. CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST
14. THE RE-ANIMATOR ($)
15. THE TOXIC AVENGER ($)
16. FROM DUSK TILL DAWN*
17. THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST
18. FACES OF DEATH (?)
19. DAWN OF THE DEAD ’04*
20. NIGHTMARES IN A DAMAGED BRAIN (?)
21. JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING*
22. THE HILLS HAVE EYES*
23. THE BEYOND*
24. ZOMBI 2*
25. ANTHROPOPHAGOUS THE BEAST (?)
26. STARSHIP TROOPERS*
27. CANNIBAL CAMPOUT (?)
28. ROBOCOP*
29. CANNIBAL FEROX/MAKE THEM DIE SLOWLY (?)
30. DAWN OF THE DEAD*
31. BLOODSUCKING FREAKS
32. STREET TRASH (?)
33. KILL BILL VOLUME ONE*
34. SALAD DAYS (?)
35. THE BLOB (Remake)*
36. SEVEN*
37. THE EVIL DEAD*
38. THE DEAD NEXT DOOR
39. THE FLY (Remake)*
40. GUINEA PIG: THE SERIES
41. AMERICAN PSYCHO*
42. APOCALYPTO*
43. DAY OF THE DEAD*
44. HELLRAISER*
45. BAD TASTE
46. LET SLEEPING CORPSES LIE (?)
47. SAVING PRIVATE RYAN*
48. MANIAC (?)
49. HIGH TENSION*
50. CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD*
51. BUIO OMEGA (?)
52. LAND OF THE DEAD*
53. KICHIKU: BANQUET OF THE BEAST (?)
54. DEADLY SPAWN*
55. DEEP RED (?)
56. CUBE ($)
57. DRILLER KILLER (?)
58. SAW III*
59. CALIGULA
60. VIDEODROME*
61. AUGUST UNDERGROUND (?)
62. HANNIBAL*
63. BLADE 2*
64. AN AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON*
65. AFTERMATH (?)
66. SUICIDE CLUB
67. BLOOD FEAST (?)
68. AUGUST UNDERGROUND: MORDUM (?)
69. NEKROMANTIK (?)
70. THE DESCENT*
71. BOXER’S OMEN (?)
72. MEN BEHIND THE SUN (?)
73. FEAST*
74. FREDDY VS. JASON*
75. SHAUN OF THE DEAD
76. VIOLENT SHIT (?)
77. CARRIE*
78. PREDATOR*
79. COMBAT SHOCK (?)
80. MURDER-SET-PIECES (?)
81. PHANTASM II ($)
82. THE BLOOD OF BEASTS (?)
83. WOLF CREEK ($)
84. RETURN OF THE LIVING DEAD III*
85. TERROR FIRMER (?)
86. TENEBRAE
87. CEMETARY MAN ($)
88. JUNGLE HOLOCAUST
89. IZO
90. MY BLOODY VALENTINE
91. SIN CITY*
92. DOG SOLDIERS*
93. THE UNTOLD STORY
94. I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE
95. MEET THE FEEBLES ($)
96. THE BOOGEY MAN
97. WIZARD OF GORE
98. FOUR BROTHERS ($)
99. SALO: 100 DAYS OF SODOM (?)
100. TETSUO THE IRON MAN*

For those that are keeping score at home, that totals out to:

49 movies I haven’t seen.

22 movies I don’t recognize by name.

And only 8 movies I want to see.

You see, nobody said anything about this list being populated with good movies.

Contrary to popular belief, I do in fact have some taste in movies, which is largely the reason as to why I’ve seen the 51 films off this list that I have.

Then again, I don’t know of a whopping 22 of them, so there may in fact be some hidden treasures in there.

Doubtful, but it’s a possibility nonetheless.

Color me surprised when I discovered I’d already seen all of the Top 10 excluding the #1 pick, Peter Jackson’s zombie classic, Braindead AKA Dead Alive.

Anybody else remember Braindead 13? Anybody? Bueller?...

Oh well, at least now we know what I’ll be saving for the grand finale…

Anyway, this project could in fact turn out to be a tremendously painful waste of time, but hey, I’m doing this to keep busy, and with 49 movies to get through, something tells me things are gonna’ work out just fine…

Check back every now and again for my thoughts on these movies!

Play me out, Pennywise:

Filed under: Movies, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Body Hurts… Cannot Write

Some people have a security blanket, I have one of THESE... As well as a security blanket.

Ugh, so tired…

Just got done with a pretty rough 7-8 mile run.

If that doesn’t make you cringe, then try factoring this in:

Like an idiot, I was wearing heavy jeans, had my pockets stuffed full of crap, and was wearing 2 and a half year old shoes that couldn’t support a flea.

Here's hoping to God that I didn't look like these douche-rockets when I was on the road...

It was just one of those times when something in your head tells you “run,” so you run.

Funny, if only my mind could find such clarity when commanding me to do things that don’t hurt me, maybe then I’d get something done for a change.

In short, the shock up my spine, due to lack of proper footwear and a surplus of improper attire, has left my lower back in horrid state, and as such, I just plain don’t have it in me to write a legit post for tonight.

Sorry everyone, I was planning on writing earlier, but I got distracted, not to mention WordPress was doing some sort of maintenance, so I was locked out for most of the day anyway.

Look forward to a goofy review of Vincenzo Natali’s Splice in the near future, as well as a very special 10th installment of The Best Track in the Game.

Have a good night everyone!

"ROUGHLY THE SIIIIIZE OF A BAAAAAAARRRRRGE!!!!!!!!"


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