Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Azn Badger = Hypocrite

The Azn Badger has been feeling a little hypocritical as of late.

Despite my general disdain for the UFC/MMA culture, I’ve found myself playing the demo for UFC: Undisputed 2010 pretty much every day this week.

I know, I know:

“How can a hardcore boxing fan that talks shit about the UFC all the time allow himself to support the organization by playing it’s official videogame!?”

Well, A): I’ve never had anything bad to say about the actual sport of MMA, only the culture and obnoxious fanbase that seems to have sprung up as a result of it’s ascension into the mainstream.

Sorry to beat a dead horse, but...

And B): Chill out, dick wad.  It’s just a videogame, and a fairly good one at that.

To be fair, I used to play the previous iteration of the game with my roommates for shits and giggles.

Only 1 out of the 3 of us (the one with legitimate interest in the UFC) actually took the time to learn how to play, so for the most part the matches boiled down to little more than button mashing sessions not unlike a round of Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots.

"AND IT'S ALLLLLLLLLLLL OVERRRRR!!!!!!!"

At the time, I used to watch a fair amount of UFC, usually in support B.J. Benn, (he’s a Hawaiian pro athlete, therefore he’s worth my time) as well as for the social value it presented in me in hanging out with my roommate.

Though I no longer have roommates to play games or watch cagefighting with, for some reason I feel like I’m mentally in just about the same place that I was back then.

That is to say:

I’m not exactly the most cerebral of people these days.

I would probably shit myself with glee if I had one of those bubble thingies right now...

As with most things these days, I blame work; as it has retarded my brain functions to the point of making games like Undisputed 2010 seem like the coolest ever made, and dare I say; potentially worth buying.

Did you hear that?

That was the sound of Hell freezing over.

While I still don’t have a clue how to play the demo properly, (the command list in the options screen is like 50 pages long) the pick up and play factor has been a godsend in terms of keeping me sane this week.

I don’t know if it’s just the 60 hour work weeks or what, but I just can’t seem to find time for more involved games like Batman: Arkham Asylum.

I want to finish Batman, but for whatever reason I just feel “too busy” to play it.

Batman: Great for Azn Badger on 3 day weekends, too "smart" for him during 60 hour work weeks.

UFC gives me an experience that can be over and done with inside of 5 minutes.

While I’ve never been one to seek out instant gratification in my games, (if it’s any indication, Demon’s Souls was my 2nd PS3 game) at this point in time, I think it’s the only kind of gaming entertainment I can handle.

Though I’m legitimately excited to try games like Valkyria Chronicles, games that require a high-degree of time investment and involvement from the player; the more hours I put in at work, the less I see myself being able to fully enjoy a game like that.

In my current mental state, I'd probably just try and bumrush my way through every mission...

Anyway, I’m beat to shit, (anus still recovering…) so that’s all I’ve got for tonight.

Chances are I’ll pick up UFC at some point, though I assure I’ll do so grudgingly, and while mumbling under my breath that boxing is the superior and more gentlemanly sport.

Unfortunately the new Fight Night Champion doesn’t come out until next year, so for now I’m going with UFC.

Either that or Splatterhouse, ’cause Splatterhouse was the shit back in the day, and from what I’ve read; the new one ain’t so bad.

Plus it’s bloody as fuck and probably as cerebral as your average UFC fan.

Haha!  BURN.

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Filed under: Boxing, Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Snow Bros: The Best Game Ever

Snow Bros. was my favorite videogame as a kid.

Every week or so, my mom would take my brother out to rent an NES game from a little mom and pop rental store near our local grocery, Art’s Grocery.

Rentals at this store were one day only, so you had to be sure you would enjoy whatever it was you rented.

Well, you can bet I was satisfied by my selection every time, ’cause I must’ve rented Snow Bros. like 50 times.

Snow Bros. was a simple yet enjoyable game that shared more than a few simalarities with Bubble Bobble.

I know Bubble Bobble is way older, but c'mon, Snow Bros. kicks it's ass.

The story goes like this:

Nick and Tom are two dudes that are trying to put the moves on these twin princesses, then some evil sorceror shows up and jacks their bitches, but not before turning good ‘ole Nick and Tom into snowmen.

Apparently turning dudes into snowmen is supposed to diminish their ability to rescue princesses.

Fortunately, that logic is bullshit, and our evil sorceror ends up seriously dropping the ball, ’cause snowmen or not; Nick and Tom are BAD DUDES, and they have what it takes to save the president.

If you never got to see this screen, then you aren't truly a BAD DUDE.

The basic gameplay of Snow Bros. has the two players, cast as Nick and Tom; being dropped into a series of single-screen arenas populated with monsters that they have to defeat in order to advance.

Sounds like pretty standard arcade game fare, doesn’t it?

That’s because it is, smart ass.

The fun part of Snow Bros., was in specifically “how” the player went about defeating monsters.

Although nobody kills monsters like Rick from Splatterhouse. NOBODY.

The Snow Bros. of the games’ title each possess the ability to throw snowballs, manufactured from their own bodies no less; that they can use to pile up on their enemies, thusly encasing them in giant, roll-able snowballs.

Good God this movie was terrifying...

Being as most of the stages are set up as a series of cascading platforms, it only makes sense that the Snow Bros. method of killing monsters consists of taking said roll-able snowballs, and sending them careening into other monsters.

Upon steamrolling monsters with a snowball, the resulting pile of monster corpses transform into food products (snowmen are gluttons) or colored medicine bottles, each of which provide the players with a number of different power-ups.

One caused the snowmen’s feet to develop restless leg syndrome.

I believe the medical term is "The Jimmy legs."

One made the snowmen’s balls bigger.

Right Guy: "I WIN."

One made the snowmen’s balls shoot farther.

Yikes, better get that thing checked out, man. Oh wait, you found a little boy to take care of that for you.

And my personal favorite, the ultra-rare teal medicine, made the snowmen’s head inflate like a balloon, causing anything they touch to die instantly.

"ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE THE GREAT AND MIGHTY PENIS OF INSTANT DEATH!"

Snow Bros. was a wonderful game, that while a little too easy, and definitely repetitive, was easily my favorite videogame as a child.

My brother used to make fun of the title screen, calling Nick and Tom “fatties,” and of course pointing out that I was the fat and dumb snowman.

Mental giants they are not.

Which one he was referring to, I will never know, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that it was the red one, seeing as my brother was ALWAYS player one.

The whole game could be beaten inside of a half hour, and though I beat the game numerous times with and without my brother, for some reason I spent most of my life thinking I never really beat the game.

Omega Tom Hanks: UN-FUCKING-BEATABLE.

You see, the final boss of Snow Bros. isn’t the evil sorceror whose portrait is featured in so many of the between level cut scenes, but rather a pair of statues that have zero personality, and are not so much as mentioned in the game’s (limited) narrative.

How the fuck do you go from this, to THIS!?

As a kid, I was so underwhelmed by the final battle in Snow Bros. that I outright denied it’s status as such.

It wasn’t until I replayed the game years later that I finally admitted myself that I had thoroughly beat Snow Bros.’ ass.

“Holy shit, that’s really the end?” I said to myself.

I found myself saying the same thing about 3-4 times during this movie. Was none too happy about it.

Other than the bullshit final battle, Snow Bros. was great.

I loved the little things, like how the snowmen would “Superman” their way out of each stage, and how an evil pumpkin headed ghost would drop down from the heavens and kill you if you played too slow.

This punk scared the piss outta' me.

I loved the enemy designs, especially the fuzzy purple dudes that did pirouettes until they turned into heat-seeking tornadoes of rape-age.

No comment.

Some of the bosses were pretty memorable too, with one of my favorites being the twin naked chickens that you fight in the freezer.

Thought I was kiddin', didn'cha?

The music was also spot-on, with a stage 1 theme that I catch myself humming to this day.

It’s kind of funny actually, my mom still remembers the stage 1 theme of Snow Bros., in fact she still teases me about it whenever she overhears me talking about videogames.

She always reminds me of the days when I would wake her and my dad up at obscene hours of the morning, humming along with my Snow Bros.

Pretty sure we had one of these posted in front of my house.

I am well aware that Snow Bros. is a Capcom port derived from a Toaplan series of arcade games.

You can thank Toaplan for giving you this, you fucking dork.

I’ve pumped quarters into both arcade machines because of my fondness of the NES version, however I found both to be graphically superior, but otherwise quarter-munching games that lack the charm and nostalgia factor of the console version.

Also, the music quality was tinny and crappy.

While the second game gets points for it’s expanded cast, and overt Japanese-ness, for my money the NES version is the best of the bunch.

Snow Bros 2 with New Elves: The Creepiest Fucking Player Select Screen EVER.

Anyway, I’ve always felt that Snow Bros. was lacking in terms of fan support, so I figured I would take the time to write a little something showing my appreciation for it.

God bless you Snow Bros., I still can’t believe I never owned you.

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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