Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Happy Halloween!

 

Happy Halloween folks!

After a long day at work, I’ve decided that tonight I’m gonna’ sit on my ass and relax all evening.

Mom’s got the Trick or Treat-ers covered while Dad’s watching the World Series, and all the while I’m just taking up space on the couch.

Truly an ideal Halloween for an Azn Badger with a 50 hour work week.

Anyway, Game 4 of the World Series just ended, and Dad’s flipped on Ernest Scared Stupid, so I think watching that takes priority over any more writing for tonight.

Man, watching this brings back so many childhood memories of Jim Varney movies…

I think I liked Ernest Goes to Jail the best out the Ernest series, though Camp was pretty good too.

Ernest Scared Stupid will always stick in my memory though, as a surprisingly scary movie from my childhood.

I shit you not, watching that one kid with the glasses fall in the mud, and seeing that fuckin’ troll get the jump on that little girl in her bedroom were scenes that were truly fuckin’ scary to me back in the day.

Call me a pussy, but Ernest Scared Stupid was one of the scarier movies I can recall seeing as a kid.

Anyway, happy Halloween everyone; thanks for reading!

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Jack O’ Lanterns, Azn Badger Style!

Tonight was pumpkin carving night at the house of the Azn Badger.

I’ve been “a little too old” for Jack O’ Lanterns for probably 5 years now, but as long as my mother insists on keeping the tradition alive; I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of it.

That being said, this year my dad “acquired” (don’t ask…) about 6 big ass pumpkins, leaving me, my mother, my brother and his girlfriend with our work cut out for us.

As far as annual pumpkin carvings go, this one was a lot of fun.

Not only that, but as you’ll see below, the pumpkins ended up pretty awesome.

We’ll start off with the Azn Badger’s:

Don’t mind the smudged mess in the top-left corner. That’s just my brother…

BOO-YAH-KA-SHA!!

That’s what I call a mother-fuckin’ pumpkin!

In case you couldn’t tell, the face was somewhat influenced by the Predator of the franchise of the same name.

Oh yeah, and the eyes came from Venom from Spider-Man…

Yeah, I have no original thoughts whatsoever.

ANYWAY, next up is my brother’s pumpkin:

The first word that came to mind when I saw my brother’s pumpkin was “cute.”

That’s right, I called a man’s pumpkin “cute.”

I’m not a fairy or anything, I’m just calling it like it is.

Also, don’t go make any assumptions about my brother just ’cause his pumpkin’s cute n’shit.

My brother’s a fuckin’ PIMP, and don’t you forget it, son.

Not ghey.

Next up is my brother’s girlfriend’s pumpkin:

Described by it’s creator as looking vaguely like a “confused baby,” this pumpkin has as much capacity to inspire as it does terrify those that gaze upon it.

Honestly, looking at this thing gives me the willies.

It’s like one of those faceless white masks that that one breakdance troupe wore awhile back.

You know it’s a face, you know it’s female; but you haven’t the slightest clue what it wants from you/wants to do to you.

That being said, let’s move on to my mom’s pumpkin before I die a horrible The Ring-esque death as a result of looking at this pumpkin for too long:

My mom is… “Artistic”… Yeah, we’ll go with that…

This was another “cute” pumpkin, though “odd” would probably fit just as well too.

The construction of it is actually kind of interesting, as the massive “nose” of the pumpkin is actually attached to the lid portion of the top of the pumpkin, which causes the whole thing to look kind of like a Spartan helmet.

Again, I have no original thoughts of my own.  All I know is taken from movies and videogames.

*Ahem!* Anyway, my mom always goes out of her way to make fun and decidedly original pumpkins every year, and this time around was no exception.

Anyway, just thought I’d share some photos and save myself an evening of writing.

Take care this Halloween!

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E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial Scared the Piss Out of Me

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was, for the better part of half my life, the scariest fucking movie I never saw.

The Secret of NIMH had it’s moments, what with the Great Owl flipping his head around and what not, and Tetsuo’s melt-down scene in Akira was crazy-as-fuck, but for my money, E.T. had ’em all beat.

And no, I’m not talking about the fact that E.T. looked like a goddamn monkey turd/cock that had been left out in the sun too long and beaten with a crystal dildo.

Which one was I talking about? I leave that for you to decide...

No, to be honest, when I first saw the movie I didn’t even know what E.T. fuckin’ looked like, but even so, the movie scared the piss outta’ me.

Why, you ask?

Well, the story starts back in 1985, 2 years before I was even born.

Steven Spielberg’s 1982 blockbuster powerhouse, E.T.; proved so impossibly successful, both critically and financially, that it saw a theatrical re-release in the summer of 1985.

Being as the movie was supposed to be, well, just about THE BEST MOVIE EVER, my parents decided to take their first son, my older brother; to see it in the theater.

He was 2 years old.

My parents sat at the theater, with my brother in my mom’s lap.

The opening credits slowly faded in, with no fanfare or sound of any kind playing over it.

After a few minutes, a starry night sky appeared on the screen, followed by a long tracking shot surveying a grand spaceship in the forest.

Little brown figures, oddly cute in a pathetic sort of way; clumsily wandered about the forest, seemingly exploring their surroundings.

After awhile, of the little brown guy’s wandered off from the spaceship, where he happened upon a spot in the woods overlooking the night lights of a city.

With a terrible noise, a series of vehicles tore through the forest converging on our little brown friend, their headlights shooting through the foliage like white hot beams of pure terror.

Then some men got out of their cars.

And they starting chasing E.T.

From the moment E.T.’s chest starting glowing red, and he let loose his gut-wrenching, cringe inducing baby-in-distress scream, my brother just couldn’t handle it.

He started bawling in the theater and thrashing around in my mom’s arms so violently, that my parents were forced to get up and leave the theater with him.

BEST MOVIE EVER, and they didn’t even get to see 10 minutes of it with their first child.

Flash forward several years, and I’m 3 or 4, just a little bit older than my brother was when he first experienced E.T.

My parents rented E.T. and sat down to watch it with me.

I remember earlier that day, my brother and I were playing together, and he decided to tell me what to expect from the movie.

He told me this:

“E.T.’s chest starts glowing, and you can see his insides and stuff.  Then his chest opens up, and he pulls a laser gun out of there and starts killing everybody.”

E.T. according to my brother.

No joke, that’s what he told me.

I was a little kid, and he was my older brother, so of course I believed every word of it.

I don’t know why he told me that, maybe because he was embarrassed by how badly the movie freaked him out, and wanted me to do the same, but regardless, that’s exactly what happened.

As soon as E.T.’s chest started glowing that hellfire red, revealing his transparent ribcage, everything my brother told me started flooding my imagination with all sorts of terrifying imagery.

I saw E.T.’s chest flying open, spraying gore and viscera across the forest floor.

I saw E.T. pulling out a hairdryer shaped ray gun and pointing it at the scary men.

I saw the scary men being torn to bits and rendered to a fine sanguine mist by the vicious light beams streaming through them.

In short, just like my brother before me, I freaked out during the first 10 minutes of E.T. so badly that my parents had to eject the tape and return it the very same night.

At some point in my life, I recall seeing E.T. maybe once, though I hardly have any memories of it.

To be honest though, I don’t know if my parents ever got a chance to see it.

Click below if you dare:

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