Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

The Thing Prequel Looks… Meh.

John Carpenter’s The Thing is a very special kind of horror film.

It horrifies as much as it chills, it awes as much as it intrigues; in short, it is one of the finer examples of a sci-fi horror film that is not only good by the standards of it’s genre, but by the standards of filmmaking in general.

Easily my favorite of John Carpenter’s “Apocalypse Trilogy,” The Thing is one of those movies I don’t see myself ever getting tired of watching.

The makeup and prosthetic effects by Rob Bottin alone, are worth the price of admission.

On a side note, it’s easy to forget that the movie was also a remake of Howard Hawk’s The Thing From Another World, which in turn was an adaptation of the John W. Campbell novella, Who Goes There?

I’d like to claim that I knew who John W. Campbell was before writing this article, but I’m just gonna’ call bullshit on myself right now and give thanks to Wikipedia.

Anyway, despite all this, The Thing bears little very little resemblance to it’s preceding film counterpart, which in many ways serves as it’s greatest strength.

Even today, The Thing stands as a very unique film, with a one of a kind antagonist, a memorable cast of characters, and one of the most oppressive and claustrophobic settings in all of horror cinema.

Which brings us to the 2011 prequel of The Thing that is set to debut this October.

I’m not gonna’ lie, even the title of this movie pisses me off.

Given that it’s a prequel, that means that if one were to watch the 2 films in sequence, the 2011 movie and the 1982 John Carpenter film; one would effectively be forced to watch 2 films with the same name back to back.

That’s just fucked up.

I mean, when you remake a movie and recycle the title, such as was the case with Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street; that alone is pretty confusing, but when you make a prequel that shares a title with it’s sequel; that’s just fuckin’ stupid.

You know that annoying bullshit that comes up whenever you mention Friday the 13th and some jerk-faced asshole has to chime in and ask:

“Which one?  The remake or the original?”

Guess what?

That’s shit’s gonna’ be 20 times worse when you’re talking to the same jerk-faced asshole about The Thing!

“The prequel?  Or the sequel?  The 2011 one?  Or the 1982 version?”

And you know some motherfucker is gonna’ have the gall to throw The Thing From Another World into the mix, just to obfuscate things and piss you off.

THE SHIT.  NEVER.  ENDS.

Gettin’ really tired of Hollywood doing stupid shit like this to cover their losses and get them dollars…

*ANYWAY* THE 2011 PREQUEL OF JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING apparently takes place at the Norwegian camp that originally discovered the alien menace of the title, however the trailer for this prequel feels much more like a remake.

TRAILER HERE

For fuck’s sake, the marketing crew even went so far as to reuse John Carpenter’s droning synthesizer music for the fuckin’ trailer.

Sure, the characters are different, as is much of the setup; but it bothers me that many of the key scenes of the 1982 film are apparently recycled and much of the set bears more than a passing resemblance to what’s come before it.

Sadly, I think that’s just what one has to expect when making a Thing prequel, which if you ask me; was never a good idea in the first place.

Given what we knew of the Norwegian camp from the first film, there’s just too many restrictions that have already been set in stone before the first reel has even run.

We already know the movie takes place in the artic.

We know nobody makes it out alive except for a couple of dudes that hop in a chopper and die a few minutes into the next movie.

We already know the nature of the title monster, which automatically kills about 90% of the drama and cleverness that the John Carpenter film brought to the table.

And to top it all off, we already know that the movie is going to end with a Husky running off into the sunset.

Oddly enough, despite all this I think the one objection this prequel that I really feel the need to throw out there, has to do with the inclusion of Mary Elizabeth Winstead as what I assume is the protagonist.

I don’t mean to sound chauvinistic or anything, but in my opinion The Thing’s all male cast actually served to lend it a great deal of dramatic weight.

When the paranoia settled in, and Wilford Brimley started ragin’ the diabeetus and breakin’ shit; there was a point in The Thing where you really believed, not only that anyone could be a Thing, but also that this was a bunch of guys that really were this close to gutting one another to survive.

In inserting a female character into the mix, you change the entire dynamic, and indeed the entire atmosphere of the film, largely because of horror movie traditions like the “Final Girl.”

It’s probably just me, but I don’t see something like The Thing benefiting from high-pitched screams, guys getting predictably killed off in savage ways due to their misogynistic practices, and dudes making it to the end on account of their romantic associations with the protagonist.

I realize the above statements were insensitive.

Fuck you, get your own damn blog.

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Guilty Pleasure: Aquatic Monster Movies

I have a weakness for monster movies.

I’ve always been fascinated by the technical aspect of producing gore effects in horror movies.

This guy knows what I'm talkin' about...

I’ve always been attracted to that lovely, organic “glow” you find in special effects from 70’s and 80’s sci-fi movies.

No, not THAT glow. But still...

But more than anything, I’ve always been fascinated by monsters brought to life by makeup, man-in-a-suit or animatronic effects.

I’ve never watched a monster movie to be scared by it, rather I’ve spent my life watching shitty, feature-length movies solely with the intent of seeing the title monster come to life in a single, carefully choreographed, money shot.

You know that one scene where Pumpkinhead is stalking the kidthrough the cabin, and then he tricks him into thinking he’s leaving, only to charge back into the room and find him in the closet, baring his teeth in the process?

Trust me, it was awesome, even with the retarded subtitles.

Pumpkinhead was more than a dude in a rubber suit in that shot, he was a real monster to me.

Same goes for the T-Rex when his pupil dilated in Jurassic Park, or when Bruce surfaces for the “bigger boat” scene in Jaws.

This in no way reflects my feelings as to which is the superior film. But, it's pretty fuckin' cool.

Don’t even get me started on Godzilla.  He didn’t have money shots, so much as the suit actor playing him simply was Godzilla in every frame of every shot.

... Apparently, this was true whether the cameras were running or not.

Which brings me to the subject of this post, my ridiculous attraction to underwater monster movies.

Ridiculous because most of these movies suck some serious balls.

Even more ridiculous because this attraction led me to excitedly watch and record god-awful TV movies like, The Beast, Creature, and Gargantua.

Unbelievably, EVEN MORE ridiculous because I remember going to see Sphere in theaters solely due to the fact that one or two frames of a Dragonfish attacking the camera were featured in it’s trailer.

I watched the whole fucking movie for THIS. That, and a giant squid that never appeared on screen...

I’m pretty sure that, after seeing Jaws as a kid, my fascination with aquatic monster movies began with Jaws rip-offs.

Orca was kind of flat, but was saved by the fetus scene a leg-bite, and Ennio Morricone.

Piranha was boring as shit, but had one shining moment when it let all those kids get nipped to bits.

Tentacles was an ungodly suck-fest that the Italian people still catch flack over to this day.

And Alligator… well, Alligator was actually a lot of fun and was one of the more self-aware horror movies that I can recall.

FUCK YEAH!

On a side note, I remember sitting through that boring-ass movie The Deep just because it had Robert Shaw and my dad told me there would be a Moray Eel in it.

Well, I remember lots of diving scenes, and the plot having something to do with an opium cache, but I’m pretty sure I fell asleep before the eel showed up.

Silly dad, remembering movies being WAAAAAAAAAY better than they actually were.

I'm lookin' at you Pope of Greenwich Village...

Despite the fact that nearly all of the movies I just mentioned were downright terrible, I remember renting them as a kid solely because they promised to deliver scenes of an aquatic beast tearing the shit out of people.

Or at least scenes of bad actors pretending to get pulled under water while someone opens up a blood pack beneath them.

In some ways, I think it was the inherently “cheap” quality to these movies that made them attractive to me.

Even as a kid, I knew that the reason you never saw the monster too much in a scary movie, was because often times the monster design wasn’t strong enough to be featured onscreen, in full detail.

As I mentioned before, when it comes to monster movies, especially aquatic ones, often times the monster’s presence in the film boils down to nothing more than a few key shots, and an overall “feeling” throughout the movie.

Well, unless you’re Octaman, then you just parade your monster around in full, head-to-toe glory for virtually the entire film.

Yes, I did in fact capture this from Gremlins 2: The New Batch. I'm a dork, I know.

Because of this, I think, as a kid, I felt like maybe I could make an aquatic monster movie.

I mean, come on, all I’d really need is a big monster head for one or two shots, and a bunch of my friends pretending to get eaten by said head, and I’d be set.

Hell, splice in some underwater scenes from an episode of National Geographic and it could be a classic of the genre.

Of course, even as a kid, nothing is ever that simple in life, and so I never made my monster movie.

Unlike this Nazi sack of shit.

Jaws and it’s clones were the catalyst in sparking my interest in aquatic monster movies, but sadly, they have had little to do with keeping my interest alive.

As I grew older, I came to appreciate the, “oh no, I got sucked under and now my death is symbolized by a billowing pool of blood” less and less.

I wanted more.

I said at the beginning of this post that I was in these movies for the monsters, and watching them come to life.

Well, as it turns out, at some point I came to realize that Jaws clones really were that cheap.

Cheap enough that they let me down pretty much every time the monster showed up for the final reel.

Enter: The successor to the Jaws clone, the Alien rip-off.

ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

In my youth, Leviathan, and to a lesser extent, Deepstar Six, were a big deal to me.

In case you didn’t notice, what with the nods to Jurassic Park, Pumpkinhead, and now Leviathan, I’m kind of Stan Winston fan.

In fact, even as a kid, Stan Winston’s name on the back of the Leviathan VHS was more than enough reason for me to beg my parent’s to rent it for me.

Same goes for Pumpkinhead.

Anyway, Stan Winston-gasm aside, Leviathan was ultimately a shitty movie, but fortunately it had some superb makeup effects to, well, make up for it.

Well, maybe except for maybe this eel thing... Looked kind of ratty...

I remember being creeped out by some of the earlier scenes in the movie, in particular the one where the woman’s hair started falling out, and the one where Daniel Stern scratched the shit out of Hector Elizondo’s arm.

In fact, I remember having to stop the movie during the former for fear of peeing my 12 year old pants.

The creature designs in Leviathan were both imaginative and versatile in the sense that they held up to the demands of the script, as well as that of the camera.

True, creative angles and quick cuts were commonplace during Leviathan, but for what it’s worth, many of the monsters were allowed to be shown off in full body shots, however briefly.

It’s unfortunate that the most impressive creature, the one that kills Ernie Hudson for no reason other than the fact that he’s black and… no wait, that really is the only reason, is only on-screen for a few brief seconds.

You're gonna' have to take my word for it, but it looked better in the movie...

I watched Leviathan, more than once, just to see those last few seconds.

Well, that and "Say, "Ah!" motherfucker!"

Deepstar Six was also a shitty movie, but one that I did not have the misfortune of seeing in my youth.

Deepstar Six came out in 1989, the same year as Leviathan, but with a cast of made-for-TV caliber actors, and a boring, seldom seen monster, it was released with significantly less fanfare.

The monster in Deepstar Six is onscreen for all of about 2 minutes, all during the final act of the movie.

In some cases, delaying the appearance of the monster until the last possible moment can be quite effective, but in Deepstar Six’s case, we spend most of the movie forgetting that the movie even has a monster.

Needless to say, Deepstar Six’s monster, while somewhat unique in that it’s a crustacean, and impressive in terms of size, is ultimately one hell of a let down.

Note that the eyes look like fuckin' smily faces.

The movie’s saving grace is Miguel Ferrer’s performance, as he chews the scenery like a roided out beaver, and is largely the only character with any sort of personality.

Oh yeah, and Nia Peeples was very nice to look at.

Well played Miss Peeples... Well, played indeed.

Now’s comes the part of this post where we get to the actual “guilty pleasure” aspect of my fascination with aquatic monster movies.

Truth be told, I didn’t really like Leviathan or Deepstar Six, I merely watched them far more than any sane human should.

Same goes for Deep Blue Sea.

Just about the only reason anyone remembers, or wants to remember Deep Blue Sea.

No, there is another movie, a different movie, one that doesn’t involve a monster brought to life through practical effects.

This movie, is called Deep Rising.

Behold: The good poster. Much like the bad poster, only not sucky.

Deep Rising is a big, noisy, big budget monster movie directed by a pre-Mummy series Stephen Sommers.

I watched it on HBO sometime in my teens, and I fell in love with it.

The movie has a fairly respectable reputation as a solid 2 out of 4 stars, with Roger Ebert even going out of his way to give it a thumbs up.

Among my circle of friends however, it’s either bitterly hated, or completely unknown.

And if THIS GUY doesn't like it, you know it's crap...

Monster movies were pretty commonplace around the time it came out.

If you were a snooty hipster, you were into Mimic (NOBODY liked Mimic when it first came out.)

Hmm, this looks somewhat familiar...

If you were a dumb shit that liked you some Ben Affleck-sauce in your coffee, you liked Phantoms.

Can't quite put my finger on it...

Oh yeah, they both shamelessly ripped off Scream from 2 years before.

And, if were an idiot like me, you were all about Anaconda.

Pictured: The exact measures that Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay were forced to employ in order to steal John Voight's soul.

Yeah, I’ll understand if you never read this blog again.

Deep Rising, despite having a pretty lame trailer, (my young mind immediately labeled it “garbage” after first seeing the trailer) stood out to me as one of the few “action horror/sci-fi” movies that actually delivered on the promises it’s absurdly long genre title indicated.

It was funny when it was supposed to be.

It was scary at times, especially early on.

And perhaps most importantly, it fooled me by having a monster that was NOT a giant octopus, and was instead something a helluva’ lot more impressive and unique.

I guess I can thank the legendary creature creator, Rob Bottin for that last part.

The monster is sort of a giant sea slug/octopus hybrid.

With teeth.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Which is curious, seeing as the monster is described one that swallows it’s prey whole, and then “drinks” it, consuming all but the bones before upchucking said solid materials.

I appreciate how the process by which it hunts and eats is established early on, and in graphic fashion, thusly setting the stakes and letting the viewer know exactly why they should be afraid of the monster.

Yeah, death by "drinking" is on my list for top things I'd never want to experience.

Don’t let my sucking of the monster’s cock fool you though, Deep Rising is, at it’s core, a Stephen Sommers film, and ultimately devotes most of it’s running time to being “fun” and “kooky” as opposed to “scary.”

Treat Williams, Wes Studi, and that one weasly guy from the Hannibal Lecter movies and Boston Public turned out great performances throughout.

Oh yeah, and Famke Janssen was, of course, fun to look at.

Well hello there, naughty Dutch madam...

Although that other weasly guy, the one that seems to show up in virtually every Stephen Sommers movie, was his usual annoying self.

That ugliness aside, I genuinely enjoy watching Deep Rising to this day, regardless of the dirty looks I get for it.

Sidenote: Jerry Goldsmith’s soundtrack for Deep Rising is pretty fucking good.  If you get a chance, give it a listen.  His work on Leviathan also did a lot to add an element of class to the film.

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