Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Remember That One Time Brock Lesnar Botched A Shooting Star?

It’s funny, in reading some of the comments on this video; it became apparent to me that a lot of people really like Brock Lesnar, both as a former WWF wrestler, and current UFC fighter.

I don’t know what it is about the guy, but for whatever reason; I just don’t like him.

He was kind of fun as a wrestler, back when he was doing squash matches for Paul Heyman and, y’know; not talking, but in his MMA career, I’ve seen little to like.

In the UFC, the man is a symbol of meatheaded-ness and muscular hypertrophy… And gaudy/hideous phallic tattoos:

Yes it is, Brock. Yes it is...

More than all that though, it may just be my inner conspiracy theorist talking; but I see Brock Lesnar as UFC’s mascot.

I think Dana White saw the image Lesnar projected, and adopted it as the ideal of the UFC demographic.

I think Lesnar was positioned, from the start, to be their Heavyweight champion (after only 4 fights) and become the highest paid fighter in their roster, regardless of whether he deserves it or not.

Not every guy gets to make the cover of their sport’s official videogame after 5 fights and barely 3 years of activity in the league.

Such is the kind of sleazy shit one can pull when they own the promotional rights to every athlete in an organization.

He’s their John Cena, a t-shirt and supplement seller.

I hate him, but I gotta' give him credit: The kids love him.

Maybe it’s just my undying allegiance to boxing talking, but I’ve never been able to see the beauty of Brock Lesnar’s fighting soul.

From what I’ve been told, the man has a legit background in wrestling, however his approach to MMA rarely shows it.

He’s quick on the shoot and intimidating as fuck, but his lateral movement is non-existent, and his bulk utterly unwieldy when it comes to anything other than lifting heavy objects, or failing that; laying on top of them.

"BROCK STRONGEST ONE THERE IS!!!!!! Brock take nap now...."

I may not be speaking from experience on this one, but I think it’s safe to assume 60 lbs. arms don’t exactly make for the best handspeed or coordination.

Ever since he debuted, Brock Lesnar has been my go-to guy for taking jabs at the UFC.

I’d be lying if I said watching Cain Velasquez beat the ever loving fuck out of him wasn’t one of the happiest moments of my sports viewing lifetime.

Well, there's goes Brock's sponsorship with Jimmy John's...

Anyway, I don’t know why I decided to use an afternoon of my Memorial Day Weekend to write about this; but oh well, at least the video was funny.

I don’t hate MMA, I just hate the image the UFC projects.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Oh Brock, we keep finding ways to slip you in...

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Filed under: Boxing, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

What’s Up With Lego’s These Days?

I pride myself on maintaining this blog as a source of entertainment.

This blog is not a journalistic venue, nor is it an online diary where I share my poetry and sad song lyrics.

Seriously, I can’t stand that self-important bullshit

 

 

Though sadly, that's all this man/woman/Crying Game canditate knows...

 

Anyway, despite my mission statement for this blog, tonight I feel the need to bring up something that’s been irking me for some time now:

What the fuck is up with Lego’s these days?

Everywhere I look, there’s fuckin’ “theme” Lego boxsets based on all sorts of mainstream pop-culture properties.

We’ve got Batman Legos.

 

 

Sweet Jesus...

 

We’ve got Harry Potter Legos.

 

 

*Gasp!* He's not yellow!

 

And you better believe we’ve got every George “Control Freak” Lucas franchise imaginable in Lego form.

 

...Including George Lucas himself!

 

Not only that, we’ve also got videogames based, not just on the original source material; but specifically the Lego version of said intellectual properties.

 

 

... I don't get it.

 

Just what the fuck happened that made Legos so fuckin’ bankable?

In my day, Legos came in theme boxes, like “space Legos,” or “pirate Legos,” or in the later stages of my youth, crazy shit like “deep sea mining Legos vs. deep sea pirate legos.”

Despite a handful of specialized pieces, like the parts to make the sharks or crocodiles, or the various transparent parts for the space guys, none of these theme boxes ever came with unique parts.

Honestly, I think that’s the aspect of the whole “Legos of all of your favorite mainstream pop-culture icons!” deal.

It’s not the fact that the dirty Danes sitting on the Lego franchise are obviously making bank off of kids and fanboys buying up all of their Harry Potter and Star Wars memorabilia.

It’s the simple fact that, in recreating all of these pre-established characters and settings, they’ve gone ahead and made unique parts too accomodate said specific intellectual properties.

You know what my favorite part about Legos was as a kid?

Opening up my box of random pieces and taking shit like Play-Doe, and Magic Markers to them so I could make my own shit, my way.

Say I wanted to make a fuckin’ Darth Vader Lego man back in the day.

I would have to find the standard pieces that matched the character best, and then use my imagination to find a way to make my own Darth.

Nowadays, kids get handed a box of Legos, and they’re no longer handed a box of possibilities, they’re handed a box with Darth Vader, Harry Potter, and fuckin’ Batman, already pre-painted and pre-sculpted.

Shit, you as well be selling action figures, or model kits when you look at it that way.

Really fuckin’ blocky, and jaundice infected action figures, but action figures nonetheless…

Legos were always about giving kids a blank slate to let kids explore their imaginations in a constructive fashion.

Like giving a kid a slab of butcher paper and some crayons.

I don’t know, maybe I’m just overreacting and not having enough faith in the youths of today.

I guess if I look on the bright side of things, Lego box sets, not matter how “Lucas-ified” or “Potter-ized” they may be, still come with a hefty supply of standard Lego pieces.

Hopefully there’s kids out there that take time to put aside the shiny plastic-y goodness of their Harry Potter Lego men and take a moment to appreciate the fun that can be had when taking 2 random blocks and putting them together…Without the aid of an instruction manual.

*Apologies, malware is still tearing my computer a new asshole, so I had to use dad’s for the last half of the post, hence the lack of pictures and hyperlinks.*

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Contra III: The Alien Wars, Part V

Let it be known folks, I hate stage 5 of Contra III.

Don’t get me wrong, I love this game; but stage 5 can eat a dick.

 

And not in the fun way mind you...

 

It can put a penis in it’s mouth, chew it to shit, and swallow for all I care, ’cause stage 5 is a sack of fuck-sauce that I’d prefer not to touch with a 10 foot pole.

That being said, I had a little meltdown (or 12) during the recording of this video, so please excuse the harshness of my words.

Enjoy watching, knowing full well how much I was forced to suffer to produce it:

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I Hate The Blue Whale.

HATE.

I hate The Blue Whale.

I hate his smugness.

I hate his  perpetual goofy-ass grin.

SOOOOO MUCH HATE...

But most of all, I hate that he’s a fat-gluttonous-fuck and everyone loves him anyway.

I refer to Blue Whales as “him” because I find it anthropomorphizes and individualizes them, thusly making “him” easier for me to hate.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

When I was little, Zoobooks were my life.

Every month we would get a new issue in the mail, and every month I would devour every page of them.

Mind you, these were the cool Zoobooks, the stoic and dignified Zoobooks, not the stupid rebranded ones.

Now tell me, which one is easier to take seriously? Yes, I am aware that one is in Spanish.

One of these issues was titled “Animal Champions II,” within which were a host of factoids about world-record holding species of animals.

This issue taught me that The Blue Whale was essentially the Mr. Perfect of the animal kingdom.

The Blue Whale, personified.

“Animal Champions II” taught me that The Blue Whale was the world’s largest, most massive, strongest, and most gluttonous animal.

You see!? He even holds the record for being "Most Harpoon Resistant." WTF, man, WTF...

Basically, this issue, as well as the “Whales” issue, seemingly existed solely to suck The Blue Whale’s cock.

Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure The Blue Whale’s cock also holds at least 3 world record’s too.

In example of Zoobook’s cock-sucking, here’s a two-page spread from the “Whales” issue praising the majesty of The Blue Whale:

Not good enough for you?

Well guess what, here’s another, this time from “Animal Champions II”:

Type “Blue Whale” into Google Images and the first page of your results will be littered with cock-sucking diagrams like the ones above.

My problem with The Blue Whale stems from the fact that he stands atop the world in terms of achievement, and yet he has done nothing to earn it.

Well, other than being a fat fuck that eats too much.

What happened to you Ice Man? You used to be cool... Well, not really. But, still...

Did you know that The Blue Whale subsists by eating plankton, a lifeform that it is approximately 100 million times larger than, thusly setting a world record for greatest disparity in size between hunter and prey?

GAAHH!!!  You see!?  Do you see the bullshit that fuckin’ Zoobooks fed me as a child!?

The Blue Whale’s list of achievements is simply far too long.  No creature should get as much hype as The Blue Whale does.

All my life, I’ve been told that The Blue Whale was the man, that he had the mic skills of The Rock, the technical wrestling of Bret Hart, and the high flying perfection of Hayabusa.

If this were true, I probably wouldn't hate The Blue Whale. I would love him THIIIIIIIIS much.

You know what the problem with all this is?

I don’t give a shit!

You can tell me he’s the man, you can prove to me that he’s the man, but if I don’t like him, guess what?

From my standpoint, HE’S NOT THE FUCKING MAN.

Nothing will ever change the fact that The Blue Whale probably holds a world record for holding the most world records, but the point is:  he stinks, and I don’t like him.

This has been a special report from the Azn Badger, being bitter on his birfday.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , ,

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