Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Laulau Makes My Brain Feel Fat

Pictured: Heaven and Hell, wrapped in taro leaves...

You see that big, steamy, pile of green/brown shit?

That my friend, is a Hawaiian dish by the name Laulau.

Don’t let the friendly, and vaguely baby talk-ish name fool you; Laulau doesn’t just put hair on your chest, it tears it out your ass and then staples it to your fuckin’ sternum.

If you don’t respect the Laulau, I shit you not, by Crom, Pele, and the Masters of the Universe; it will MAKE YOU.

A typical Laulau consists of only a handful of ingredients, most notably fat and pig.

Basically, you take the fattiest chunk of pig-butt and butterfish that you can find, salt both of ’em to shit, and then wrap it all in taro leaves and steam it until fat/grease starts to pour out.

I think the main idea behind the conception of Laulau, and indeed most Hawaiian cooking, was the idea that:

No piece of pig can’t be made better without the addition of copious amounts of fat and salt.

Oddly enough, while I’ve done posts on this blog before about the horrors of traumatic bowel evacuations AKA toilet warfare; curiously enough Laulau is a dish that has rarely given me trouble in this department.

The real challenge in dealing with Laulau, is simply coping with the sheer richness of it’s composition.

In recent years I’ve gotten in the habit of thinking of the after effects of consuming Laulau as being akin to a combination of “brain freeze” and “cheese sweats.”

To the uninitiated, brain freeze is that horrible throbbing pain you get in your frontal lobe when you eat cold dishes too quickly.

The cheese sweats are that greasy, sweaty, and logy feeling that lactose intolerant people (like myself) tend to get when they say “fuck it” in the face of their genetic defects and order the fettuccine.

Eating Laulau results in what I like to think of as a combination of these effects.

Basically, the fuckin’ taro turd is SO goddamn salty, SO goddamn fatty, and jam-packed with SO MUCH fuckin’ pig; that your brain and your belly just can’t cope with it.

Sure, you’ll start off fine, hell; you might even start shoveling the damn thing on account of how FUCKING TASTY it is, but as you start to get about halfway through it, at some point you’ll start to slow…

What follows, is a feeling I can only describe as being akin to having “fat on the brain.”

In short, it feels like you’re body is pumped full of so much fuckin’ fat and pig that it starts to feel like your stomach has run out of room, so it starts booting the shit up into your brain.

That’s when you know the Laulau’s got you by the balls.

When it’s got you under it’s hypnotic, fat and salt fueled spell…

Your thoughts start to cloud.

Your movements become lethargic.

You start to lose interest in everything else on your plate.

And oddly enough, despite intense feelings of fullness radiating throughout your torso; you keep telling yourself:

“I’m gonna’ finish this… I’m gonna’ finish this… I can’t let it win…”

Hahaha!

Silly bitch, there is no “winning” against the power of Laulau.

There is only surviving.

Surviving and waking up the next day to discover you’ve gained 10 lbs. off of a half pound dinner of pig, fish, and greens.

The worst part of succumbing to the effects of Laulau though, is the lethargy inducing grease factor.

The cheese sweats can be rough, but Laulau sweats are a whole ‘nother story.

Like dealing with a T-Rex, who’s visual acuity’s based on movement; you’re fine if you don’t move, but once you try to get up for seconds, (yeah, good luck with that…) or make a move for the rest room, you’ll be in for a nasty surprise.

Basically, any movement, no matter brief or relaxed; will result in your pores barfing up a fresh coat of pig scented sweat.

Not only that, you’ll find that any move you make will tire you the fuck out.

Now personally, I’m in pretty good shape, but if you put a Laulau in my belly; all the sudden I start sweating like Patrick Ewing and panting like Bob Sapp in the 2nd round.

Anyway, consider this article a word of caution to all the potential first timers when it comes to trying Laulau.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need go take a shower to wash the pig stink out of my skin, go into a well-deserved food coma, and then do it all over again tomorrow…

 

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Tooting My Own Horn…

*In lieu of my family’s traditional New Year’s dinner of pork and sauerkraut (Apparently it’s a Pennsylvania Dutch thingDon’t ask…) being pushed back to this evening, I’ve decided to forego a legit posting tonight in favor of a neat little “year in review” that WordPress made for me.  Enjoy, I know I sure did!*

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

Madison Square Garden can seat 20,000 people for a concert. This blog was viewed about 64,000 times in 2010. If it were a concert at Madison Square Garden, it would have performed about 3 times.

In 2010, there were 250 new posts, not bad for the first year!

The busiest day of the year was October 29th with 3,439 views. The most popular post that day was Minecraft: Survival Multiplayer (Guest Post).

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were reddit.com, facebook.com, kotaku.com, kungfucinema.com, and minecraftforum.net.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for donnie yen, cecilia cissy wang, broly, moon knight, and guyver.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Minecraft: Survival Multiplayer (Guest Post) October 2010
2 comments

2

A Tribute to the Greatness that is Donnie Yen: Part VI – Old Man Yen May 2010

3

Movie Review: Undisputed 3: Redemption June 2010
3 comments

4

Vejita Has a Brother!!? September 2010
2 comments

5

Moon Knight, Thank You For Being So Freakin’ Crazy. May 2010

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