Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

How To Incite the Wrath of a “Professional Box Maker”

Yup, there's me, at work...

I work at Amazon.com as warehouse contractor.

It’s what I did 2 years ago, before my brief stint as an assistant graphic designer/chaffeur; and it’s what I will continue to do until I can find something better/grow some talent.

No, not that kind of "talent."

Anyway, my days at the warehouse are mainly spent packing and shipping parcels, though on occasion I am forced to venture into the refrigerated, vile pile of ass-ness that is Sea-8: Amazon Fresh AKA the grocery.

I don’t like working the grocery.

Putting me in the grocery is like putting a nudie magazine in front of me when I’m really depressed and have  2 broken arms.

You can bet I’ll try my best with what little I have at my disposal, but my heart won’t be in it; and because of that, the job just won’t get done…

Bizarre metaphor aside, I consider myself a “Profession Box Maker” at Amazon.com, and to be honest, that doesn’t bother me.

I don’t necessarily take pride in what I do, but I work hard and make a living.

*ANYWAY,*after completing a 41 hour work week (I stayed late…), I made the foolish decision to do 10 more hours of overtime tomorrow, leaving me with nothing in my head to write about other than, well, work.

Pictured: The Kind of Shit That Occupies My Thought Process at Work.

So, after a long-ass day at work, I figured I’d compile a short list of the ways PEOPLE PISS ME OFF when ordering things from Amazon.com that I have to pack.

#1:  Purchasing 2 Books in the Same Order That Are of Different Heights and Widths

This one is kind of complicated.

You see, there are these boxes we use at Amazon called “V4’s.”

V4’s are those foldy-flappy boxes that you get with hardcover books, or larger, comic-sized books.

While packing more than 1 book into a V4 is not all uncommon, and is in fact a welcome task, being as it’s faster and easier to assemble than a standard box, packing 2 items of significantly different proportions, is a different story.

More specifically, instances where one of the 2 items is shorter, yet, wider than the other, are fuckin’ bullshit.

Seriously, short of bending the ever-loving shit out of the wider item, there’s just no good way to pack that kind of order into a V4.

#2: Buying ANYTHING With a Satin Finish

FUCK SATIN.

FUCK IT HARD.

Seriously man, I love satin-finishes on business cards, and they certainly make for handsome covers to books, but when it comes to packing that shit, it just doesn’t fuckin’ work.

You know what happens when you put something with a satin-finish into a V4?

The ultra-smooth surface of the material causes it to slip around in there, thereby destabilizing your previously PERFECT pack job, resulting in a worthless-ass package that gets kicked back to you by the shipper, who; by the way, sees fit to shoot you a nasty stink-eye every time you fuck up!

*Sigh*…

Satin is evil.

FUCK SATIN.

#3: Order 45 of ANYTHING At the Same Time

45 Amazon Kindle E-Readers.

No really, 45 Kindles.

What's the big fuckin' deal?

In 1 box, mind you.

Why the fuck would you need 45 Kindles anyway?

Fuckin’ people, too lazy to buy real fuckin’ books…

#4: Order HD DVD’s

Okay, this one doesn’t so much PISS ME OFF, as it does make me laugh in a confused sort of way.

We all know Toshiba’s HD DVD got killed by Sony’s Blu-Ray several years ago, right?

Of course, we all know that this kind of shitty box art was largely responsible for the death of the format...

Well, apparently not all of us know this, as every now and I again I’m asked to pack and ship those familiar red-cased HD DVD’s to losers that are too dumb to admit that they backed the wrong horse.

Regardless, I’ve got no qualm with said losers, as HD DVD’s are usually a breeze to pack.

Unless said loser decides to buy a giant-ass book in the same order.

Then we’ve got issues.

Then, somebody’s gonna’ get cut.

Oh wait, they only give us fish-shaped “safety knives” at the warehouse.

Pictured: The Azn Badger's Weapon of Choice.

Regardless, somebody’s gonna’ get bludgeoned with a plastic tool in such a manner as to eventually ’cause skin irritation and/or drawing of blood…

#5: Order A “Ready-To-Ship” Item from Amazon

I know what you’re thinking:

“Ready-To-Ship?  Shouldn’t that mean the item is already packed and is ready to go?”

Well, yes, it does in fact mean that the item arrived at the warehouse pre-packaged in an official Amazon.com box.

Despite this, for whatever reason, we packers are required to pack said pre-boxed item, into another box.

No joke, it’s like one of those Russian matryoshka dolls-within-dolls-within-dolls, etc…

Haha, it's funny 'cause there're lots of them and they're inside each other...

Now, while that probably seems mildly inconvenient, being as it forces me to pack something that, at first glance, seem like something not needing to be packed at all, this task is in fact extremely inconvenient being as said pre-packed boxes often “confuse” the shipping computer.

Pictured: Why we don't "confuse" Skynet, I mean, the computer...

Here’s the run-down:

Amazon.com uses a computer driven sorting system that catalogs all of the items and parcels within the warehouse.

On the Sea-6 side, the dot-com side that I work on, every order has box type associated with it ahead of time based on the contents of said order so as to inform the packers of what box type is required for each order.

When I say an item or order “confuses” the shipping computer, basically I mean that the computer recommends the wrong box type.

This generally happens because an item was cataloged incorrectly, however; in the case of “ready-to-ship” items, the cause is actually the fact that pre-packed box has, in the view of the computer, skewed the proportions of the item, thereby resulting in a box recommendation that is often a few sizes too small.

You really wanna’ know how to piss of a Professional Box Maker?

Ask him to make a box, and then tell him he did it for no other reason than to waste his motherfuckin’ time.

THAT pisses me off.

Anyway, that’s my rant.

Sorry for the uncharacteristically personal/whiny post, I swear I’ll get back to normal once I, you know, get a motherfuckin’ day off.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part VIII

Alright folks, we’ve finally reached the end of the 8-bit abortion that is Godzilla on the NES.

Sorry for the protracted nature of this post-subject, I didn’t realize how long and BORING the game was until I had already reached the point of no return

Oh well, live and learn I guess.

I think it goes without saying that you won’t be seeing a Let’s Play on the Azn Badger’s blog for quite some time…

I just finished reading DC’s Blackest Night and Marvel’s Siege, so hopefully I’ll be able to type up a little something about one or both of those major event comics!

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part VII

Godzilla fatigue has officially settled in.

For real, I ran out of things to say on the subject more than a few days ago, but this game just WON’T FUCKING END.

*Ahem!* Anyway, after today we’ve only got one more stage to go.

I can’t begin to tell you how happy I’ll be to start writing about something else…

Filed under: Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part VI

Yesterday we played through Uranus, and it was cake.

Today however, we’re movin’ on to Pluto, and believe me, it’s no cakewalk.

Seriously man, it’s long as fuck!

For real, it took me 3 videos this time man!

Anyway, plenty of rants about Mechagodzilla, Super X, and the various composers of the Godzilla series are featured below:


Filed under: Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part V

The Godzilla Let’s Play madness continues!

Today we’re gonna’ be stompin’ our way across the planet Uranus!

It’s a short level, but regardless, we’re GONNA’ BURN SOME MUSCLE!!!*


*Brownie points to all the dorks out there that get the reference…

Filed under: Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part IV

Well, this is embarassing…

Today I got to wake up to a malware attack on my computer.

Not only that, but I spent the better part of an afternoon trying to remove it.

To make matters worse, part of that fucker is still lingering in my computer, making it completely incapable of any sort of internet connection; wired or otherwise.

That being said, as Megatron so famously said in Transformers: The Movie, “WAIT, I STILL FUNCTIOOOOOOONNNNN!!!” so I went ahead and made my Let’s Play video for the day.

However, when I tried to upload said videos via both of my parent’s computers, I was met with a frustrating error message along the lines of:

“Uh, we don’t know what the fuck you did, but you better cut it out; ’cause like, your video’s totally fucked man.”

Anyway, sorry guys, no videos for tonight.

Don’t worry though, as soon as Youtube get’s it’s thumb out it’s ass, I’ll update this post and we’ll all pretend like nothing happened…

*UPDATED*

Haha! VICTORY!!!

No sooner had I given up for the evening did I find a way to kill Mr. Malware!

Not only that, but I tried Youtube again, and maybe it’s just my computer being less-sucky than my parent’s, but the videos uploaded without a hitch!

Check ’em out below:

Filed under: Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part III

Welcome back to the Azn Badger’s Let’s Play of Godzilla on the NES!

Today we tackle the monsters of the 3rd planet in the game, the gas giant; Jupiter.

Will Godzilla and Mothra be able to escape the fury of the evil sludge beast known as Hedorah?

Watch below to find out!:

Filed under: Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part II

That’s right, today we’re playin’ more Godzilla on the NES.

This time around we’re tackling the red planet, Mars.

Will Godzilla (and that pussy-bitch, Mothra) be able to handle the fearsome purple fiend known as Varan!?

Watch below to find out!:

Filed under: Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Let’s Play Godzilla, Part I

Work kicked my ass today, so I decided to do a Let’s Play video instead of hurting myself by trying to pound out a legit post for today.

Obviously, we’re gonna’ be playing Godzilla on the NES this time around, so get ready for monster mashing action!

Well, kinda’…

Godzilla is actually not all that good of a game.

It’s crazy repetitive, and very LONG, but the simple gameplay and relatively low difficulty level make it suitable for post-work Azn Badger’s hand-eye coordination.

Seriously, I couldn’t play play Duck Hunt right now if I tried…

Anyway, enjoy the video, sorry about my hoarse voice and lack of enthusiasm; work has a way of stealing ones’ soul.

Filed under: Games, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

A Tribute to the Greatness that is Donnie Yen: Part III – My Relationship with Mr. Yen

I first ran across Donnie Yen in 2001.

I had just purchased Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah: All-Out Monster Attack on DVD from a mail-order bootleg service.

While the movie itself was great, (leading up to this I was suffering from post-Gamera trilogy Shusuke Kaneko withdrawals) there was an Easter egg on the disc menu (just click on Godzilla’s eye!)that included a number of trailers for upcoming Japanese films.

The first few were for older Godzilla movies that were finally seeing DVD release.

'Bout mother fuckin' time!

The last few however, were some of the coolest trailers I had seen up until then:

Ichi the Killer

and Shura Yuki Hime (2001)

I like the guy with the Fozzie Bear ears at 1:06 in the Ichi the Killer trailer. He’s silly.

Okay, now picture what it’s like seeing those for the first time when you’re a bloodthirsty 14 year old boy who’s only just starting to identify with his racial background.

I watched those trailers more than I watched that Godzilla movie.

And I loves me some Godzilla.

While neither of these movies were all that good in my opinion, (remember, I’m not a Miike fan) I was very impressed by the fight scenes in Shura Yuki Hime.

While he wasn’t in the film, after watching the trailer for Shura Yuki Hime so many times, my limited katakana comprehension at the time allowed me to read at :46 into it, that the “Akushon Direkuta” of the film was “Doni Iiyen.”

That’s Donnie Yen to you an me. Well, me anyway.

Unfortunately, the bootleg service I used only specialized in Japanese films at the time, with only a limited number of Chinese ones, leaving me with no real way of getting a hold of any Donnie Yen films.

Then I discovered that Donnie Yen had been featured in a number of American films.

I promptly looked them up and was treated to stuff like this:

… and Donnie Yen being mysteriously killed, OFF CAMERA, in Blade II.

Needless to say, I felt cheated.

In almost 4 years of searching, I was only able to see Donnie Yen in Iron Monkey, 3 shitty American films, and I guess if you get technical about it, I got to see his choreography in Shura Yuki Hime and Onimusha 3.

Where was all the good stuff?

Almost forgot... In his pants.

I figure you guys are a little sick of having Donnie Yen’s man-package thrust in your faces every day, so I think I’ll give you a reprieve tomorrow.

Check back the day after next for “Part IV – The Real Donnie Yen!”

Filed under: Kung Fu, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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