Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

I Hate Sting.

I hate Sting.

I hate his goofy singing, I hate his perpetually frosted hair, but most of all, I simply hate the man that is Sting.

Wrong Sting. Although he kind of sucked too. Especially after he took on that whole "Crow" schtick...

You know how every now and again you run across someone you just plain don’t like, seemingly for no good reason?

Okay, maybe you haven’t, but you know what I mean, right?

Well, that about sums up my relationship with Sting in a nutshell.

He never stole from me, he didn’t kill my father; and he most certainly never touched me as a child, but for whatever reason, I’ve had a severe hatred for Sting for as long as I can remember.

Near as  I can recall, the first time I encountered Sting in my youth, came in the form of a TV broadcast of one of his performances.

I want to say that it was a stage performance from one of his appearances on Saturday Night Live sometime in the 90’s, but either way; my first impression of the man was to think:

“What the hell is he wearing?…”

While I can’t find any photos of it, the man was dressed in a massive leather jacket, easily 2 sizes too big for him, while straddling a guitar and clomping around in 3-5 inch platform boots.

Pictured: The first time I ever saw Sting...

I don’t recall what songs he performed that night, nor did his singing voice leave an impression on me at the time.

Honestly, I think I was simply too blown away by the sheer volume of fail put on display that night to have remembered anything else.

All I remember of Sting from that night, is that big-ass jacket, those Frankenstein boots of his, and his odd quirk of violating his fellow performer’s personal bubble just a little too much.

... And if that wasn't bad enough, he also has a tendency to bust out flying knees to the faces of his fellow performers.

Seriously, the man has a tendency to rub up on people.

As my father would say: “He wouldn’t make it in the Projects…”

Anyway, after only dealing with Sting once in my life up to that point, the man was already 0-1, and officially on my “Naughty” list.

That was just the beginning though.

Sometime after this initial encounter, I remember hearing some of Sting’s songs on the radio.

I had to ask my mother who it was we were listening to, and when she told me it was Sting, I can honestly say I was not surprised.

Sting has a peculiar method of singing.

I like to refer to it as a “pecking” style of lyricism.

 

Like this man's speech cadence, only applied to song.

The lyrics in his songs, especially the more pop-ish tunes from earlier in his career; tend to have a halting rhythm to them that I find annoying.

It’s like trying to listen to streamed audio that’s still buffering.

Sure, you’re definitely listening to something, but it’s so fuckin’ fragmented and disjointed that it may as well be a song recorded by someone with Tourette’s Syndrome.

Honestly, while it pains me to taint this blog with a Family Guy reference, I have to say that they did a damn good job of summing up Sting’s singing style in my eyes:

Just remember, I hated the man long before Family Guy was ever thought of.

By the way, if you ever run into me on the street someday, ask me to do my Sting impression; I’m told it’s pretty spot on.

Moving on, reason #347 as to why I hate Sting, comes from his appearance in the film Dune.

*Yawn*...

Admittedly, this was a fairly recent addition to the “why I hate Sting” list, easily within the past 6-7 years.

When I first noticed that Sting was in Dune, my initial reaction was along the lines of:

“WHAT!?  The “Zip-Zop-Zoop! MESSAGE… IN A… BAAAAAHHHH-TOLL!” Man is in Dune!?  I hope he dies in it…”

Though I got my wish of getting to see Sting die on-screen at the end of Dune, (Oops! Spoiler Alert!) the 3 hour journey in getting to that point was not easy to sit through.

Pictured: The best part of Dune. To me, anyway...

Yes that’s right, I didn’t really exactly care all that much for Dune, but that’s besides the point.

The point is, while sitting through a 3 hour movie I didn’t “get,” and also didn’t exactly like; I found myself not only having to contend with a clunky script and an absurdly over-the-top soundtrack, but with a flame-haired and frequently Speedo clad Sting.

3 hours of shitty movie I can handle standing on my head, but 3 minutes of Sting in his undies being ogled by a levitating overweight, oily pock-faced dude, was another story altogether.

I think Sting’s worst moment in the whole movie, other than the poorly choreographed and horrendously anti-climactic “knife fight” at the end, (Sorry again! Spoiler Alert!) was this one scene where Sting is handling what I call, a “kitty in a box.”

Best I could find. Sorry...

As fate would have it, the internet Gods seem to have eliminated all the good photos of the elusive “kitty in box” scene, as well as that giant-fucking leather jacket I mentioned earlier.

Sting must have a network of internet goons cleansing the web of all traces of his uncoolness…

Anyway, if you saw Dune; you probably know what I’m talking about, ’cause y’know; that was of course the most pivotal scene in the entire movie…

In addition to all of the reasons listed above, probably the single biggest reason I hate Sting, is that he’s one smug son of a bitch.

Sting on any given Tuesday.

Seriously man, he’s just got this swagger, this preening and self-important element to his face and mannerisms.

Maybe it’s just ’cause he’s a singer/performer, and that’s kind of what they do; but in his case, he does it in just the wrong way that it, well; it just pisses me off!

Sting: Knee-Fucking Since... Whenever The Fuck He Started Singing.

Don’t question my hate, it needs not logic or reason to exist!

Anyway, enough Sting related hate-speak for tonight.

Tomorrow I’ll be finally playing more Demon’s Souls, so I figured I’d vent my frustration somehow before assaulting myself with more videogame related anger and stress.

 

 

Man I hate Sting…

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The Top 10 Best Overkills in Movies, #10: The Punisher (2004)

“Overkill.”

In my book, overkill in movies specifically refers to an instance in which one particular individual is killed until they die from it to the point of utter absurdity.

In other words, if the general audience reaction isn’t on par with this:

Then it probably doesn’t qualify as overkill.

That being said, this new  series of posts is going to dedicated to presenting you people with the Top 10 Best Overkills in movie history.

First on our list, is the relatively tame, but good enough for a #10 spot comic book action flick: The Punisher.

CLICK HERE FOR CLIP – For the overkill in question, skip to 3:45.

Okay, so the setup for this scene, is that this blond, Tobin Bell lookin’ mother fucker got in The Punisher’s way when he was trying to rescue his wife and son, and so by the time we reach the end of the movie, and The Punisher has in fact become THE PUNISHER, he’s definitely got an itch to get this Arian piece of fuck back for what he did.

Being as this dude is in fact an “ugly henchman,” with a brain roughly the size of a walnut, he of course makes the brilliant tactical decision to enter in the combat by shooting The Punisher IN HIS KEVLAR VEST not once, but twice.

Seriously, at point blank range he doesn’t even think to maybe aim for head at least once?

Anyway, The Punisher of course; isn’t happy about this, so he promptly socks the blond dude in the face, grabs hold of the shotgun, and uses it to blow the dude’s foot off.

Yup that's the face I make too when I lose a foot...

A nice start, but I think ‘ole Frank can do better…

With that, The Punisher bashes the blond dude’s head against the wall, and then the 2 go into one of those awkward, not quite strangling, not quite grappling, manly groping sessions.

Before things can get too fruity though, The Punisher decides to reinforce his heterosexuality by grabbing hold of the blond dude’s arm, and wrenching it out of place.

Yeah, pretty sure your arm isn't supposed to bend that way...

With the blond dude’s face now permanently locked in a comical expression of over-the-top pain, and half of his limbs pretty much immobilized, The Punisher takes this opportunity to take a step back and get a little creative with his overkill.

For seemingly no reason other than to by himself some time to think up a pimp-ass way to fatally, uh, “punish” the sad sack piece of fuck standing before him, The Punisher pins the dude’s arm to his own hip, and then stabs a knife through the guy’s palm.

You know that knife game Bishop played in Aliens? Well, this guy wasn't very good at that game...

This of course causes the blond piece of fuck to make just about the goofiest face imaginable:

That's a direct quote by the way.

With the dude now goofy faced, lacking mobility in half of his extremities, and stuck with his hand on his hip like a pissed off mother, The Punisher is finally struck with the inspiration he needs to complete his masterpiece of overkill-ery.

Feeling an urge keep things going with his knife motif, The Punisher then removes the knife from the dude’s palm/hip, and then rams it up underneath the dude’s jaw, through his tongue, and into his brain.

Yeeouch! That'd kill yah'!

With his tapestry of overkill-ery finally complete, The Punisher leaves the blond dude to make gurgling noises and slide down the wall as he stomps off to chase Babe Ruth’s single season homerun record, kill John Travolta, blow up giant sharks, squish giant spiders, and fuck middle-aged women with his massive dong.

Oh wait, that’s Thomas Jane’s career.

Anyway, that’s the first overkill of our Top 10 list folks.

I’ll probably catch some flack over this one because it wasn’t particularly bloody, or even graphic for that matter, but think of it this way:

We watched The Punisher kill this blond bastard for 30 whole seconds.

This was not a 30 second fight, this was 30 seconds straight of one dude, killin’ another dude.

If that’s not an overkill, then I don’t know what is.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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