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MASSIVE Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend, Part III

Welcome back everyone!

Where we last left our heroes, they were fighting for their lives at the Space Graveyard against the evil Ultraman Belial’s army of 100 monsters!

How will they make it out of this one? Read on to find out!

Some time during the “Mega Monster Battle,” the movie takes a break to check on the ZAP crew, and what they’ve been up to all this time.

Hey, remember these guys!? Yeah, me neither...

Turns out, they’ve been sittin’ around with their thumbs up their butts.

In fact, despite all the time that’s passed, they’re just now discussing the idea of tracking down Rei.

Unfortunately, it is revealed that the Space Graveyard is light years away and would take decades to get to anyway, OH MY GOD LOOK!!! A SPACE DRAGON!!!!!!

.... I got nothin'.

Oh well, I was getting bored of that conversation anyway.

Well, turns out this, uh, space dragon, is called Space Dragon Nurse, and apparently it works for Belial, cause it goes after the ZAP crew’s Pendragon ship like they stole from it.

Eventually, Nurse catches up to our heroes and coils around their ship, viciously constricting it in the process.

Then, for apparently no reason at all, Alien Zetton decides to join the party, teleporting into the hull of the Pendragon.

His first action is of course, to start waving a gun around like a chump.

Well now, I don't see how pointing a gun in everyone's faces in going to help blow up their ship any faster, but okay.

With Zetton bein’ all gangsta’, Nurse crushing their ship, and all of the universes’ Ultramen apparently off doing more important stuff, things look crazy bad for the ZAP crew, when out of nowhere, another plot convenience arrives to save the day!

And I thought he looked dumb BEFORE he bleached his hair...

Behold, Shin Asuka AKA Ultraman Dyna!

Now, normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, after all, Deus Ex Machina is the name of the game in Ultraman movies, but in this case, Dyna’s not even from the same continuity, the same universe as the other Ultramen.

Oh yeah, and he was a clown-ass bitch that nobody liked in the first place.

Whatever… Anyway, Asuka beats the tar out of Zetton, then elects to TELEPORT our heroes to the Space Graveyard to lend a hand in the battle against Belial.

How convenient.

Oh wait, but first Dyna has to blow the shit out of ‘ole Nurse:

Nurse go boom!

We then cut back to the battle at hand, where we are treated to a sequence wherein Rei takes on a number of human-sized monsters, well, after he transforms into his Super Saiyan, I mean Reionix form.

... You sure he's not related to Ultraman somehow?

Following this little skirmish, Belial and Rei once again pick up their “Join the Dark Side” conversation, only this time, I shit you not, Rei actually gives in!

That’s like Darth Vader bein’ all like:

"Yo, Luke. Join the Dark Side n'shit."

Then Luke bein’ all like:

"Man, fuck dat' shit, FUCK YO' FAAAAAAACE!!!!"

Then Darth bein’ all like:

"Yo, c'mon dawg, foh' real."

Then Luke bein’ all like:

"Yeah okay, sounds fun."

ANYWAY, Rei freaks out and turns into a Dark Reionix or some shit, presumably because he gets too pissed off or something.

Consequently, this also causes Gomora to go Super Saiyan, as well as totally batshit crazy, meaning he starts focusing his attention exclusively on the Ultramen.

Oh yeah, and that worthless piece of CGI crap, Ritora, is nowhere to be seen.

"How nature says, do not touch."

Gomora proceeds to clean house as Ultraman Dyna and the ZAP crew finally show up just in time to calm Rei down.

I gotta’ say, Captain Hyuga has probably the craziest and most awesome entrances I’ve seen in awhile.

Right after he tells the pilot, Haruna, to land, he goes and does this:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

He jumps out the fucking ship!

What follows is an embarrassingly melodramatic and LONG sequence wherein the ZAP crew all try to stage an intervention for Rei by physically restraining him and repeatedly calling out his name.

Yeah, ’cause I’m sure that’s exactly what the specialists do when uncle Jeb won’t put down the crack pipe.

Despite this, I have to say, things do wrap up pretty epic-ly as Captain Hyuga slow-motion smacks Rei back to his senses.

WAAAAAAAAAAATAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!

During all this chaos however, Ultraseven gets low-blowed by Belial, resulting in him being incapacitated moments after throwing his Eye Slugger into space.

Because Dyna is a cock-goblin, and couldn’t possibly make up for the loss of Seven, our heroes immediately start falling behind in battle.

Cut back to Ultraseven’s son and Leo off in space training.

During their sparring match, a cute little red alien, Pigmon has been hopping around in the background, being well, cute.

Not sure "cute" was the best word...

At some point, Pigmon is almost crushed, however, Seven’s son manages to step in just in time to save him.

Apparently Leo was counting on this happening at some point, ’cause he calls an end to their training session, declaring his pupil ready to be a real Ultraman.

Ultraman King finally makes his presence known to everyone, throwing out a few inspiring words in the process, then sending Seven’s son, who apparently wasn’t aware of who his dad was, on his way after Seven’s Eye Slugger (that mohawk blade on his head, c’mon man, try an’ keep up) crashes on the training planet.

With that, Ultraman King orders Seven’s son’s armor removed, then promptly sends him on his way to fight Belial.

Curiously enough, despite the universe being at stake, Ultraman King, Leo and Astra don’t so much as call a cab.

Oh well, it’s only the universe, not like we can’t just get another one of those.

Cut back to Dyna chugging the cock with a smile:

Only Dyna could elect to take on 100 penises at once...

Just before Dyna drowns in all that cock sauce however, Ultraseven’s son FINALLY shows up, blowing up a half dozen monsters and rescuing his father in one fell swoop.

With that, Ultraseven’s son is finally revealed in full, declaring himself Ultraman Zero:

And wouldn't you know it, he actually looks pretty bad ass.

Check back tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!

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MASSIVE Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend, Part II

Welcome back to the Ultra Summary of “Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!”

Yesterday we covered the film’s opening act, wherein the evil Ultraman Belial wrecked the Ultra Homeworld of the M-78 Nebula and set out on his way to summon an army of 100 giant monsters!

Read on to find out what happens next!

Our story resumes as we are whisked away to planet Dent, an Earth-like planet that Rei and the ZAP crew are currently assigned to explore.

It’s interesting to note that the folks at Tsuburuya managed to slip in a bit of fanservice here in form of giving that dick eater Musashi Haruno (from Ultraman Cosmos) a brief cameo.

Only God knows how many cocks have graced those lips...

Not 2 minutes after the ZAP crew touch down, a giant monster, Zaragas, shows up and tries to kill them.

"GET, IN, MAH' BELLAY!!!!!!!!"

Such is the life of a human in the Ultra universe.

The ZAP crew pull out their HANDGUNS and start plugging away at the 200 ft. tall Zaragas, only to find that it’s not very effective…

Fortunately, Rei, Pokemon master that he is, just happens to have just the Fighting Pokémon needed to carry the day.

"He's goin' for the Thai clinch!"

After a few Tail Whips and Quick Attacks, Rei orders Gomora to use Horn Drill, which, unbelievably, actually lands for a change and causes Zaragas to faint in one hit.

In truth, the wild Zaragas finds this particular form of penetration to be pleasurable rather than painful.

Following this, we are almost treated to some dialogue between the ZAP crew members, but just before they can open their mouths, Moebius drops in and… takes off into space with Rei in his hand.

The scene that follows is, in short, the plot.

Everything you need to know, every little bit of exposition you will ever need to understand just what’s going on in the movie, is covered in this one scene as Hibino Mirai/Ultraman Moebius talks at Rei.

Man, this guy's hair just gets more and more epic every time I see him...

Apparently Anakin, I mean Belial, was a young Ultraman way back when that broke the Ultra law and touched the Ultra Spark, sampling it’s power.

Cocaines' a hell of a drug...

Touching the Ultra Spark proves to be too much for young Belial, as it drives him nuts and gives him an insatiable lust for power, kind of like ‘roids.

With that, the Ultra brothers banish Belial and leave him out in deep space, where he becomes possessed by the power of an alien named Reiblood.

That'd be a helluva' thing to walk in on.

With his new powers in tow, as well as his Giga Battle Nizer, which gives him the power to control 100 monsters, Belial wages war on the Ultra homeworld.

Things go pretty much as they did earlier in the movie, except this time around, Mr. Deus Ex Machina himself, Ultraman King shows up.

Then one day, the great Burger King descended from the heavens, and all was good.

Long story shot, Belial gets thrown into the Rubik’s Cube/Phantom Zone and is never seen again… until 5 minutes into this movie.

Moebius explains to Rei that the alien that possessed Belial, Reiblood, just happens to be of the same race as Rei himself.

Through logic unknown to me, Moebius comes to the conclusion that Rei will be a key factor in winning the battle against Belial.

Meanwhile, Belial takes up residence at the Monster Graveyard, using the combined powers of the Ultra Spark and his Giga Battle Nizer to revive his army of 100 monsters.

Whoops. Somebody done overfed their gold fish...

Belial will spend the next half hour or so of the movie roasting marshmallows with his monster buddies.

Seriously, after freeing himself from imprisonment with a shit ton of gusto and brew-ha-ha, Belial spends a third of the movie doing jack shit.

Oh well, he might not do anything, but he at least sends some of his buddies to take out Moebius and Rei who’ve now decided to go back to the Ultra homeworld to snag the last bit of light that Taro managed to salvage.

Dorako, Bemustar and Salamandora get the jump on our heroes, then curiously decide to stand around and do nothing with the opportunity.

So... You guys just gonna' stand there, or what?

Fortunately, Belial saw fit to send Alien Shaplay to act as their wrangler.

And Shaplay done brought his gat’. That’s right, he been tuh’ prison.

That's right, Tec-9 in space. Fuckin' Gangsta'...

One of the most absurdly acrobatic shoot-outs in cinema history follows, complete with over-the-top tactical rolls and homages to Equilibrium’sGun Kata.

Yes, I own Equilibrium. And no, I don’t think it’s the best movie ever.

Moving on, Rei elects to let Mirai take on Shaplay all by his lonesome, reasoning that he will use the opportunity to take on the 3 giant monsters hanging out just over the hill by summoning Gomora.

Unfortunately, Rei slips and drops his Poké Balls, I mean Battle Nizer, into a crevice.

I hella' thought for sure he was gonna' Force Pull it to himself. No fooling.

At the same time, Alien Shaplay barfs gunk all over Mirai’s transformation device, the Moebius Brace, thereby restricting him to his human form.

Fortunately, Ultraseven’s capsule monsters, Windam, Mikuras and Agira show up to save everyone from the monsters that were in no way posing a threat.

"This is a real slobber-knocker!"

As the melee unfolds, Ultraman and Ultraseven, in human form, show up to aid our heroes in their respective crises.

In short, Dan Moroboshi helps Rei retrieve his Battle Nizer, and Shin Hayata uses an assault rifle(?) to put a few rounds in Shaplay, causing him to be buried by an avalanche.

What follows is one of the hokiest zoom-in reveals I can recall in recent history.

Ultraman gets HARDCORE.

With the monsters defeated for the moment, our band of heroes settle down for a Ultra Pow-Wow to discuss a plan to take on Belial.

Seeing as Ultramen aren’t exactly known across the universe as “planners” so much as “fighters,” their plan boils down to getting their powers back and recruiting Ultraseven’s conveniently over-powered son so they can get their lunch box back from Belial or some shit.

I don’t know; I wasn’t paying attention. 2 dialogue scenes in 45 minutes of fighting has a way of A.D.D-ing the fuck out of you.

It's a good thing that hood is blocking his view. That boys' eyeing him something fierce.

Also convenient however, is the fact that Ultraseven’s son is off on a faraway planet training with Ultraman Leo and his brother Astra.

Well, he isn’t exactly training so much as he’s going through a sort of initiation.

You see, he just happened to try and touch the Ultra Crack Rock, I mean Ultra Spark, just like Belial did.

Fortunately he was stopped just in time by Ace and Jack, who promptly sent him off to Ultra Rehab.

"Someone touched my ass!"

Anyway, in the present, we are shown clips of Ultraseven’s son sparring with Leo while Ultraman King looks on from above.

Seven’s son is, once again, conveniently clothed from the waist up in a suit of armor designed to encumber him so as to train his muscles or some shit, really though it’s just a clever way to mask his form until the final reel.

May I remind you, that these guys are supposed to be made of fucking LIGHT.

Well, because Rei didn’t get to use his Pokémon in that last battle, Shaplay, somehow freed from the avalanche, pops up again and throws out his strongest monster yet, Black King!

What follows is a brief skirmish, wherein Gomora pwns the shit out of ‘ole Black King.

My guess is that the “Black” in Black King’s name refers to him being a Dark type Pokémon, ’cause Gomora’s Fighting moves were super effective…

Anyway, Shaplay follows our heroes into the chamber housing Taro’s frozen body, then promptly proceeds to engage in another bullet ballet with them.

...which he promptly loses.

With Shaplay and Black King defeated, our heroes approach Taro’s frozen body, and retrieve the power they need to transform and combat Belial.

Mass nodding and transformation sequences follow shortly thereafter.

HENSHIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!

With that, our heroes take off to face Belial for the final showdown.

Hang on, what now?

We’ve just hit the 50 minute mark, and our heroes are already on their way to the final battle?

Where they fuck did they hide the middle of the movie!?

*Sigh* Oh well, moving on…

Remember when I told you Belial spent a good third of the movie with his thumb up his butt?

Well, we’re now almost an hour into the movie and he’s still just sitting around marveling at the majesty of his pimp cane.

Dumb shit...

It’s not long however, before our heroes crash the party at the Space Graveyard and get ready to raise hell.

But not before Belial and Rei engage in the obligatory “Join the Dark Side” conversation.

Belial somehow reasons that, Rei should join him because they are of the same race.

Rei declares such words untrue, and therefore impossible, then summons Gomora and this faggety-ass CGI bird thing called Ritora.

In response, Belial uses his pimp cane to call out all 100 of his huge-ass bitches at once.

Goddamn 'dat be a lot ah' bitches...

What follows is perhaps the Ultra brawl to end all Ultra brawls.

The fight is energetic, colorful and well-shot, with virtually every one of the 100 monsters represented to some degree, however if ever there was a case to argue that 100 monsters is just too many for one movie, this would be it.

Black Joe layin' the smack down on Ultraseven.

Seriously, as awesome as this fight is, it goes on all the way to the end of the movie.

And remember, we’re barely an hour in.

Wow, that climax sure popped up early! Tune in tomorrow for Part III!

Filed under: Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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