Azn Badger's Blog

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Yesterday’s Movie Quiz

Well, here are the answers to yesterday’s (retarded) movie quiz:

#1.  “The one where the bunny throws up and the hippo shoots everyone.”

Answer: Meet the Feebles.


I remember it was sometime when I was around 10 or 11 that I walked in on the ending sequence of Meet the Feebles.

You see, my brother and his friends had been going through their Quentin Tarantino/cult cinema phase of life for the past few years, so it was only natural that I’d walk in on them watching something fucked up at some point in time.

Anyway, the phrase I used to sum up the movie really is just about all I know of it, and will probably never forget for years to come.

#2.  “The one where the alien jumps out of the guy’s chest.”

Answer: Alien (duh).


Come on now, we all know this one, right?

To be honest, I actually saw Aliens before the original Alien, and to this day I still like it better.

The iconic scene in Alien, where John Hurt has a xenomorph bust through his ribcage, is something that is bigger, and better known than the movie as a whole.

Thanks to things like Animaniacs, and Spaceballs, which parodied this sequence, I knew of this key scene long before I ever saw the movie.

Man, what it would’ve been like to have seen Alien without knowing what was coming…

#3.  “The one where the alien’s chest opens up and he pulls out a ray gun and kills everyone.”

Answer: E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial.

To be fair, this one is pretty much impossible to get unless you read my post about E.T. awhile back.

In case you missed it, check it out HERE.

Anyway, this was how I knew E.T. until I was in my teens, ’cause up until then I never made it past the opening sequence to disprove my brother’s bullshit (yet oddly superior) description of the opening sequence.

#4.  “The one where Godzilla bleeds (for the first time).”

Answer: Godzilla vs. Gigan.

Well now, this is one that is common knowledge to me, but might be a little bit obscure to others.

The early 70’s was a bloody time for Godzilla movies, as it seemed like the Big G was squirting body fluids like a pedo in a pre-school playground.

*Ahem!* Anyway, in case you didn’t know, (YOU SHOULD) Godzilla got his head cracked open as a result of multiple blows to the head from one of Gigan’s bladed hook arms.

"AND IT'S ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!"

It was a traumatic experience for me a child, almost as bad as when Angilas got his jaw torn open by Mechagodzilla in Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla.

Let’s hope those American film producers don’t fuck Godzilla up again in 2011, like they did back in 1998

#5.  “The one where the guy gets his head stepped on.”

Answer: Bloodsport.

Gotcha!

Let me guess, you probably thought this one was American History X, am I right?

Well, fuck you, YOU’RE WRONG.

Bloodsport and Kickboxer were the elusive holy grail of R-rated movies for me when I was a little kid.

My brother and his friends talked them up all the time like they were the coolest, and most violent movies ever made.

Well, having seen both Van Damme movies about a billion times, I can honestly say that, while hardly violent by modern standards, both are in fact just as awesome as my brother thought they were way back when.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Anyway, there is a scene in Bloodsport, where the big dude that played Ogre in Revenge of the Nerds get’s his head stomped on by the villain, Chong Li.

Chong Li, post head stomp.

I remember overhearing my brother talk about this scene once or twice, and for some reason, that’s what I chose to know Bloodsport by for the first 11 or 12 years of my life.

Then I actually saw the movie, and now I simply know it as “The Greatest Thing in All of Existence.”

#6.  “The one where Batman says, “Eat floor.””

Answer: Batman Returns.

Aw, come on!

Seriously, am I only motherfucker on the planet that remembers this!?

Just like every Batman movie, Batman Returns was hyped to shit, even going so far as to spawn the creation of the oh-so-wonderful Batman: The Animated Series.

Oh yeah, and Happy Meal toys, lots and lots of Happy Meal toys…

I had the 2 on the left...

Anyway, don’t ask me how, but I remember someone telling me that Batman was fighting Catwoman in the movie at one point, and he told her to “Eat floor.”

To this day, I still think that’s fucking awesome.

Only Keaton Batman could get away with saying something so juvenile and bland, and yet still be Batman in my eyes.

Definitely check this one out, ’cause he really says it, and it’s a fucking awesome movie regardless.

#7. “The one with the black rock.”

Answer: 2oo1: A Space Odyssey.

Yeah, I know, this one is just a little bit too vague to be considered a fair quiz question.

You remember the big black monolith that was one of the key elements of 2001?

Well, that’s the “black rock” that I was referring to.

All I knew of 2001 as a kid, was that there was a big, black rectangular “rock” somewhere in there, and that the movie was really fucking long.

To this day, I really don’t care much for 2001.

I guess you have to one of the cool kids to appreciate Kubrick.

#8. “The one with the train that goes too fast.”

Answer: Speed.

Obviously, I labeled this one as a “trick” question because I knew no one would get it.

When I saw the commercials for Speed in the theater and on TV, for whatever fucking reason, all of the snippets taken from the train sequence at the end stuck out to me.

Take a look at this commericial:

The train sequence is like the last 15 minutes of the movie, but it’s featured in quite a bit of the trailer.

Regardless, I know that I was a retarded kid with a limited attention span, so I better not get any nasty comments over this…

Even though I remember Dennis Hopper talking about a bomb on a bus or some shit, my young mind latched onto those images of the train, and filed them away as the key components of the film in Azn Badger land.

I remember the day I actually got to sit down and watch the VHS of Speed, my dad asked me if I wanted to see it, and I said to him:

“Oh, the one on the train right?”

I remember him giving me one of those, “maybe I shouldn’t have fed him paint chips as a baby” looks, and then promptly corrected me.

Pretty much...

Sadly, the amazingly awesome version of Speed that I crafted in my imagination, the one that took place on a train, was smashed that evening, only to be replaced by the amazingly awesome version that is the real Speed.

Anyway, hope you had fun with this, I sure as hell.

So many retarded childhood memories…

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E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial Scared the Piss Out of Me

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was, for the better part of half my life, the scariest fucking movie I never saw.

The Secret of NIMH had it’s moments, what with the Great Owl flipping his head around and what not, and Tetsuo’s melt-down scene in Akira was crazy-as-fuck, but for my money, E.T. had ’em all beat.

And no, I’m not talking about the fact that E.T. looked like a goddamn monkey turd/cock that had been left out in the sun too long and beaten with a crystal dildo.

Which one was I talking about? I leave that for you to decide...

No, to be honest, when I first saw the movie I didn’t even know what E.T. fuckin’ looked like, but even so, the movie scared the piss outta’ me.

Why, you ask?

Well, the story starts back in 1985, 2 years before I was even born.

Steven Spielberg’s 1982 blockbuster powerhouse, E.T.; proved so impossibly successful, both critically and financially, that it saw a theatrical re-release in the summer of 1985.

Being as the movie was supposed to be, well, just about THE BEST MOVIE EVER, my parents decided to take their first son, my older brother; to see it in the theater.

He was 2 years old.

My parents sat at the theater, with my brother in my mom’s lap.

The opening credits slowly faded in, with no fanfare or sound of any kind playing over it.

After a few minutes, a starry night sky appeared on the screen, followed by a long tracking shot surveying a grand spaceship in the forest.

Little brown figures, oddly cute in a pathetic sort of way; clumsily wandered about the forest, seemingly exploring their surroundings.

After awhile, of the little brown guy’s wandered off from the spaceship, where he happened upon a spot in the woods overlooking the night lights of a city.

With a terrible noise, a series of vehicles tore through the forest converging on our little brown friend, their headlights shooting through the foliage like white hot beams of pure terror.

Then some men got out of their cars.

And they starting chasing E.T.

From the moment E.T.’s chest starting glowing red, and he let loose his gut-wrenching, cringe inducing baby-in-distress scream, my brother just couldn’t handle it.

He started bawling in the theater and thrashing around in my mom’s arms so violently, that my parents were forced to get up and leave the theater with him.

BEST MOVIE EVER, and they didn’t even get to see 10 minutes of it with their first child.

Flash forward several years, and I’m 3 or 4, just a little bit older than my brother was when he first experienced E.T.

My parents rented E.T. and sat down to watch it with me.

I remember earlier that day, my brother and I were playing together, and he decided to tell me what to expect from the movie.

He told me this:

“E.T.’s chest starts glowing, and you can see his insides and stuff.  Then his chest opens up, and he pulls a laser gun out of there and starts killing everybody.”

E.T. according to my brother.

No joke, that’s what he told me.

I was a little kid, and he was my older brother, so of course I believed every word of it.

I don’t know why he told me that, maybe because he was embarrassed by how badly the movie freaked him out, and wanted me to do the same, but regardless, that’s exactly what happened.

As soon as E.T.’s chest started glowing that hellfire red, revealing his transparent ribcage, everything my brother told me started flooding my imagination with all sorts of terrifying imagery.

I saw E.T.’s chest flying open, spraying gore and viscera across the forest floor.

I saw E.T. pulling out a hairdryer shaped ray gun and pointing it at the scary men.

I saw the scary men being torn to bits and rendered to a fine sanguine mist by the vicious light beams streaming through them.

In short, just like my brother before me, I freaked out during the first 10 minutes of E.T. so badly that my parents had to eject the tape and return it the very same night.

At some point in my life, I recall seeing E.T. maybe once, though I hardly have any memories of it.

To be honest though, I don’t know if my parents ever got a chance to see it.

Click below if you dare:

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