Azn Badger's Blog

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Thoughts On Conan The Barbarian Teaser

I’ve posted a couple of times now regarding my thoughts on the upcoming Jason Momoa Conan film, however this marks the first time said thoughts have been anything less than hopeful.

That being said, while I’m completely aware of the dangers of using a teaser trailer as a quality barometer for a yet to be released film, I’ve gotta’ say; whoever is in charge of the marketing for Conan The Barbarian needs to be dick-slapped something fierce.

Speaking of which, I’m not sure when they decided to go with the title “Conan The Barbarian,” but personally I think that was a bad move.

I mean yeah, I understand that the producers are probably looking to create some brand recognition, not to mention distance their film from the similarly titled Conan O’Brien show, but even so; the thought of 2 films of such a short series bearing the exact same name seems a little strange to me.

Anyway, let’s back to the topic at hand, namely that of the teaser from said Conan movie.

Speaking of which, I should probably post that for you to see.

Here yah’ go:

Long story short, I found the teaser to be laughable.

Other than a few foggy images fading in and out through a smoke cloud, there’s little to no content to be found within it, making it the very definition of a teaser; which in and of itself not a bad thing.

Remember when the first teasers for Inception came out and we were all totally drawn in by how enigmatic and full of Hans Zimmer infused BWAAHHHH!!!! they were?

Well, that would’ve worked for Conan, had they excised all of the voice-over and narration and instead gone with something a little more subtle.

Unfortunately, they didn’t.

No, instead we get some of the most over the top (and cerebral) voice-over this side of UFC commentary.

Seriously, I don’t know if it’s just me, but the voice of the narrator sounded really fuckin’ stupid to me.

He sounded like he was trying to work from the badass Don LaFontaine school of “IN A WORLD” style voice-over, but sadly it just kind of ends up sounding really dumb and horribly forced.

To make matters worse, when the narrator is switched out for Jason Momoa’s “Conan voice;” it ends up sounding like the 2 guys were trying to one-up each other in the excessively manly voice department.

Anyway, while the teaser might be really fuckin’ stupid, and poorly imagined at that; I feel it’s worth reiterating that at it’s core it’s just a trailer, and should have little to no bearing on the quality of the finished product.

In any case, I’ll still end up watching the movie anyway; ’cause let’s face it, it’s Conan, and Conan’s the shit.

In the hopes of giving this post at least some element of positivity, I feel it’s worth mentioning that in perusing the Conan The Barbarian wikipedia page, I happened to note that Bob Sapp was listed in the cast, which at least gives the movie the added benefit of potentially playing host to a Jason Momoa/Bob Sapp smackdown.

As you can see, Mr. Sapp is pretty fuckin' awesome...

As much as I like Bob Sapp, in all honesty; the man has a pretty awful track record in his film appearances.

Seriously man, Devil Man and Elektra were shitty movies on their own; however it could easily be argued that Bob Sapp’s presence in them, actually might have contributed to making them the piles of ass they are.

Come to think of it, he’s been out of the spotlight for long enough that I’m just kind of hoping he hasn’t ballooned into a fat fuck like a lot of retired pro athletes.

In his defense, "The Fridge" was never all that slim to begin with...

Huh, guess that wasn’t all that positive after all…

Anyway, here’s hoping that despite the horrible teaser trailer, Conan The Barbarian ends up being the worthwhile movie I’ve been waiting for all these years.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Holy Shit, I Beat A Castlevania Game!

Well, that was fast.

Yesterday I drew a line in the sand and sand, “Goddamnit, I’m gonna’ beat a Castlevania game” and wouldn’t you know it, today I did just that.

That being said, my “Castlevania Hit List” at this point consists of #1 and 3 of the original NES trilogy, Super Castlevania IV AKA the Super NES remake of the original, and Castlevania: Dracula X the Super NES port of the PC Engine Rondo of Blood.

Admitting my distinct lack of skill at handling the series’ dreadful momentum based jumping mechanics, I decided I would make my first foray into pwning the shit out the classic Castlevania games by starting from the more forgiving, end of the timeline; and work backwards.

Getting to the point, today I took Castlevania X and kicked it’s skull out it’s ass.

No, you don’t get a pic for that one.

While I won’t go so far as to say Castlevania X was anything less than a challenge, I have to admit that I was kind of amazed by how easily I made it through the game.

In comparison to what little experience I have with the NES games in the series, I’d say X was significantly easier.

In general, the game speed seemed slower, with enemies respawning and attacking less frequently, making for a much more methodically paced game.

Make no mistake, pitfalls and “bounce back” deaths were still a huge obstacle for me in Castlevania X, however I found I was able to take advantage of the slower pace of the game to take my time in formulating strategies for whatever challenges lay before me.

Also, I must say, gaudy as they were; the backflip and item crash maneuvers came to my rescue more than a few times by allowing me to dodge some nasty hits, or bypass them entirely through the item crash invincibility frames, all while dealing a shit ton of damage.

Pictured: The life-saving Cross Crash.

In general, I found Castlevania X to be a pretty fun afternoon playthrough.

The game felt kind of short, and some of the bosses were actually surprisingly easy, but overall it felt like a decent game that I definitely would’ve enjoyed had I played it in my youth.

The one exception to the overall fun factor of the experience, as well as the ease of the boss fights, was the final battle with Dracula.

In short, Dracula was a pain in the ass.

Not overly difficult, so much as annoying as fuck; the design of Dracula’s throne room arena, combined with his predictable; but dangerous attack pattern made for a nerve wracking encounter that definitely ranks as one of the hardest boss fights I’ve ever played through.

To those that are unaware, Dracula’s attacks in Castlevania X consist of the traditional, “I open my cape and cum fireballs all over your face” type; with said instances of fiery ejaculation being the only opportunities to give ‘ole Drac a whip to the dome.

That is to say, the only time you can hit the fucker is when he’s in the process of jizzing in your mouth.

It goes without saying that Drac’s flaming rude juice is far more damaging than the Vampire Killer whip, but that’s not the real problem in the equation.

The real problem is the fact that you fight Dracula amid a series of narrow platforms surrounded by instance death pits of doom.

Basically, unless you get really fuckin’ lucky; (as I did numerous times upon eventually defeating Dracula) any hit you take, regardless of how much damage it deals, will ultimately kill you by knocking you into a pit.

Piece 'o cake...

Nevermind that Dracula’s absurd height advantage over you forces you to jump to land hits on him, effectively doubling the chances of instant death pitfall, regardless of whether you actually succeed in hitting the bastard.

Take my word for it, any kind of jumping in an old-school Castlevania game is bad news, especially when pits are involved.

Anyway, as I’m sure you’re aware, once you get past Dracula’s “jizzing in your face” phase of attack, his lifebar refills and he transforms into a gigantic Speedo-ed Devil Man.

While this form looks fuckin’ beastly, personally I found it to be much easier.

Using the handy cross/boomerang subweapon, I found I was able to deal damage and destroy most of his incoming projectiles pretty much at will, a far cry from the slow-paced chess match of the “jizz in your face” phase of the fight.

That being said, while it took me an ungodly number of tries to get past Dracula’s first form, as soon as I was consistently able to get to Speedo Devil Man, I had Dracula kissing curb in short order.

Anyway, that’s my Castlevania conquest story.

Hopefully I’ll get around to playing through some of the other games in the series at some point.

 

Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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