Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

A Celebratory Farley Clip

Pictured: A comic genius.

Today was supposed to be the busiest day of the year at the Amazon.com warehouse.

I can attest the truth in this statement, as I was placed in freezer detail not once, but twice today.

Needless to say, at the moment I am tired, beat up, and intensely bitter.

Hopefully I can muster the energy required to do all of my Christmas shopping tomorrow…

Regardless, in celebration of my day off tomorrow, here is a clip of another one of my favorite Chris Farley skits:

Advertisements

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, Wrestling, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Heavyweights: The Best Movie Ever

It's funny, I have no fucking clue is supposed to be in that sandwich. Also, I think the kid in the glasses is just on the poster for the sake of appealing to the glassed demographic. He really wasn't an important character...

Gather ’round children, and let me tell you a little story about a phat-ass movie called Heavyweights.

Or is that, “fat” ass?…

As advertised on the poster above, Heavyweights was a product of Disney’s early 90’s blitz of live-action kid-comedy/underdog sports movies.

The Sandlot, The Mighty Ducks series, Angels in the Outfield, and to a lesser extent, The Big Green, were all heaped on us during this time, and for what it’s worth, I loved every one of them.

Well, except for The Big Green, that one sucked balls.

Cast: Steve Guttenberg and the Fat Ginger Kid from the Sandlot. Recipe for success...

Anyway, Heavyweights stood apart from the rest in that it wasn’t a sports drama, rather; it was a movie about fat kids being, well, fat.

Well, not exactly.

In reality, the plot is about a bunch of fat kids, at fat camp no less, being ridiculed for being fat by their new health-nut camp counselor, only to have their worth as human beings validated in the last 10 minutes of the movie.

The rest of the movie is all fat jokes though.  As it should be.

HAHA! HE'S FAT!

I’ve always thought it was funny to picture the conception process the studio execs went through to come up with Heavyweights.

I’d imagine it went something like this:

What I love about Heavyweights, especially as an adult, is how the movie spends about 80% of it’s running time unabashedly stereotyping and shitting all over the fat kids in the cast, with predictably hilarious results.

The sequence where we discover that EVERY SINGLE ONE of the fat camp attendees has smuggled in junk food?

Fuckin’ gold, man.

The sequence where Ben Stiller kicks Goldberg off the scale for being FUCKING HUGE?

Fuckin’ genius.

The scene where the fat kids get desperate and chase after a cow to try and eat it?

Fuckin’ brilliant.

And wouldn’t you know it, I just watched the trailer, and every single one of those scenes is highlighted in it:

The whole movie is filled with these moments, and aside from the general humor that springs from a movie based around the concept of making fun of fat kids, one thing that Heavyweights deserves special note for, is the fact that it genuinely is funny.

You heard me, at 23 years of age, I still think Heavyweights is a funny-ass movie.

The kids were all pretty good as far as child actors go.

Kenan Thompson and Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks really set themselves apart from the rest, especially Goldberg.

For now and forever, he will be Goldberg.

Kind of sucks that the last time I can recall seeing Goldberg was on an episode of The King of Queens, while Kenan is livin’ it up on Saturday Night Live.

I know Goldberg has a real name, but I refuse to learn it, or failing that, use it.

Sorry buddy, you’re always gonna’ be Goldberg in my book…

The fat producer guy from Frasier did alright, but given that I remember him as the “fat producer guy from Frasier” instead of the “fat counselor from Heavyweights,” I think it’s safe to say that he didn’t make that much of an impression.

Although I do think it’s funny that they named him Pat.

That names just fits too well.

Seriously man, I'd call him "Pat" even if I didn't know his name!

Ben Stiller’s performance as the villain, Tony Perkis, while twisted and energetic, was not exactly my favorite in the movie.

Hell, if anything I’d say he was upstaged by his own mom and pop in the 1 or 2 scenes they were in.

Jerry Stiller/Frank Costanza/Arthur Spooner = FUCKING HILARIOUS.

I do find it kind of funny though, that Ben Stiller has had the opportunity to play 2 different maniacal fitness gurus in his career, first in Heavyweights, and then later on in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.

Same shit different day for Ben Stiller...

Despite the pretty full cast of familiar faces, the one performance that always stood out to me, that could always make me laugh, was from the man who played the right-hand to Ben Stiller’s Tony Perkis, the character known as Lars.

Lars: The ONLY Funny German

Lars was fuckin’ awesome.

Every time he opened his mouth, Lars managed to take the fun factor of Heavyweights, and turn it up to 11.

Like when he yells at Kenan for breaking his camera with his fat-kid ass:

Speaking of Kenan, remember that one time that Kenan asks him what’s up with his goofy ass name, and then asks him where he’s from?

I always loved Lars direct, and very Deutsch response:

That was awesome.

The one scene that will always make me laugh though, the one that I still reference to this day, is when Lars explains his safety procedures for letting the fat kids swim.

When asked how he’s going to keep track of and maintain the safety of the fat kids, Lars explains:

“I have ‘dem on ‘dah body system!”

By “body,” of course, Lars means “buddy.”

This of course leads to much blowing of whistles and back and forth yelling at the fat kids:

In one scene, the comedic brilliance that is Lars:

Hah, I like how this post basically turned into a walk down the “early 90’s comedies” memory lane.

Ah, back when writing was still valued in Hollywood…

Anyway, if you haven’t seen Heavyweights, do yourself a favor and look it up.

If you have ever giggled at the sight of overweight children being told to their face that they’re HUGE for 90 minutes straight, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy Heavyweights.

I sure did, and I was a fattie when I first saw it!

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

How To Incite the Wrath of a “Professional Box Maker”

Yup, there's me, at work...

I work at Amazon.com as warehouse contractor.

It’s what I did 2 years ago, before my brief stint as an assistant graphic designer/chaffeur; and it’s what I will continue to do until I can find something better/grow some talent.

No, not that kind of "talent."

Anyway, my days at the warehouse are mainly spent packing and shipping parcels, though on occasion I am forced to venture into the refrigerated, vile pile of ass-ness that is Sea-8: Amazon Fresh AKA the grocery.

I don’t like working the grocery.

Putting me in the grocery is like putting a nudie magazine in front of me when I’m really depressed and have  2 broken arms.

You can bet I’ll try my best with what little I have at my disposal, but my heart won’t be in it; and because of that, the job just won’t get done…

Bizarre metaphor aside, I consider myself a “Profession Box Maker” at Amazon.com, and to be honest, that doesn’t bother me.

I don’t necessarily take pride in what I do, but I work hard and make a living.

*ANYWAY,*after completing a 41 hour work week (I stayed late…), I made the foolish decision to do 10 more hours of overtime tomorrow, leaving me with nothing in my head to write about other than, well, work.

Pictured: The Kind of Shit That Occupies My Thought Process at Work.

So, after a long-ass day at work, I figured I’d compile a short list of the ways PEOPLE PISS ME OFF when ordering things from Amazon.com that I have to pack.

#1:  Purchasing 2 Books in the Same Order That Are of Different Heights and Widths

This one is kind of complicated.

You see, there are these boxes we use at Amazon called “V4’s.”

V4’s are those foldy-flappy boxes that you get with hardcover books, or larger, comic-sized books.

While packing more than 1 book into a V4 is not all uncommon, and is in fact a welcome task, being as it’s faster and easier to assemble than a standard box, packing 2 items of significantly different proportions, is a different story.

More specifically, instances where one of the 2 items is shorter, yet, wider than the other, are fuckin’ bullshit.

Seriously, short of bending the ever-loving shit out of the wider item, there’s just no good way to pack that kind of order into a V4.

#2: Buying ANYTHING With a Satin Finish

FUCK SATIN.

FUCK IT HARD.

Seriously man, I love satin-finishes on business cards, and they certainly make for handsome covers to books, but when it comes to packing that shit, it just doesn’t fuckin’ work.

You know what happens when you put something with a satin-finish into a V4?

The ultra-smooth surface of the material causes it to slip around in there, thereby destabilizing your previously PERFECT pack job, resulting in a worthless-ass package that gets kicked back to you by the shipper, who; by the way, sees fit to shoot you a nasty stink-eye every time you fuck up!

*Sigh*…

Satin is evil.

FUCK SATIN.

#3: Order 45 of ANYTHING At the Same Time

45 Amazon Kindle E-Readers.

No really, 45 Kindles.

What's the big fuckin' deal?

In 1 box, mind you.

Why the fuck would you need 45 Kindles anyway?

Fuckin’ people, too lazy to buy real fuckin’ books…

#4: Order HD DVD’s

Okay, this one doesn’t so much PISS ME OFF, as it does make me laugh in a confused sort of way.

We all know Toshiba’s HD DVD got killed by Sony’s Blu-Ray several years ago, right?

Of course, we all know that this kind of shitty box art was largely responsible for the death of the format...

Well, apparently not all of us know this, as every now and I again I’m asked to pack and ship those familiar red-cased HD DVD’s to losers that are too dumb to admit that they backed the wrong horse.

Regardless, I’ve got no qualm with said losers, as HD DVD’s are usually a breeze to pack.

Unless said loser decides to buy a giant-ass book in the same order.

Then we’ve got issues.

Then, somebody’s gonna’ get cut.

Oh wait, they only give us fish-shaped “safety knives” at the warehouse.

Pictured: The Azn Badger's Weapon of Choice.

Regardless, somebody’s gonna’ get bludgeoned with a plastic tool in such a manner as to eventually ’cause skin irritation and/or drawing of blood…

#5: Order A “Ready-To-Ship” Item from Amazon

I know what you’re thinking:

“Ready-To-Ship?  Shouldn’t that mean the item is already packed and is ready to go?”

Well, yes, it does in fact mean that the item arrived at the warehouse pre-packaged in an official Amazon.com box.

Despite this, for whatever reason, we packers are required to pack said pre-boxed item, into another box.

No joke, it’s like one of those Russian matryoshka dolls-within-dolls-within-dolls, etc…

Haha, it's funny 'cause there're lots of them and they're inside each other...

Now, while that probably seems mildly inconvenient, being as it forces me to pack something that, at first glance, seem like something not needing to be packed at all, this task is in fact extremely inconvenient being as said pre-packed boxes often “confuse” the shipping computer.

Pictured: Why we don't "confuse" Skynet, I mean, the computer...

Here’s the run-down:

Amazon.com uses a computer driven sorting system that catalogs all of the items and parcels within the warehouse.

On the Sea-6 side, the dot-com side that I work on, every order has box type associated with it ahead of time based on the contents of said order so as to inform the packers of what box type is required for each order.

When I say an item or order “confuses” the shipping computer, basically I mean that the computer recommends the wrong box type.

This generally happens because an item was cataloged incorrectly, however; in the case of “ready-to-ship” items, the cause is actually the fact that pre-packed box has, in the view of the computer, skewed the proportions of the item, thereby resulting in a box recommendation that is often a few sizes too small.

You really wanna’ know how to piss of a Professional Box Maker?

Ask him to make a box, and then tell him he did it for no other reason than to waste his motherfuckin’ time.

THAT pisses me off.

Anyway, that’s my rant.

Sorry for the uncharacteristically personal/whiny post, I swear I’ll get back to normal once I, you know, get a motherfuckin’ day off.

Filed under: Comics, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Donate