Yup, there's me, at work...
I work at Amazon.com as warehouse contractor.
It’s what I did 2 years ago, before my brief stint as an assistant graphic designer/chaffeur; and it’s what I will continue to do until I can find something better/grow some talent.
No, not that kind of "talent."
Anyway, my days at the warehouse are mainly spent packing and shipping parcels, though on occasion I am forced to venture into the refrigerated, vile pile of ass-ness that is Sea-8: Amazon Fresh AKA the grocery.
I don’t like working the grocery.
Putting me in the grocery is like putting a nudie magazine in front of me when I’m really depressed and have 2 broken arms.
You can bet I’ll try my best with what little I have at my disposal, but my heart won’t be in it; and because of that, the job just won’t get done…
Bizarre metaphor aside, I consider myself a “Profession Box Maker” at Amazon.com, and to be honest, that doesn’t bother me.
I don’t necessarily take pride in what I do, but I work hard and make a living.
*ANYWAY,*after completing a 41 hour work week (I stayed late…), I made the foolish decision to do 10 more hours of overtime tomorrow, leaving me with nothing in my head to write about other than, well, work.
Pictured: The Kind of Shit That Occupies My Thought Process at Work.
So, after a long-ass day at work, I figured I’d compile a short list of the ways PEOPLE PISS ME OFF when ordering things from Amazon.com that I have to pack.
#1: Purchasing 2 Books in the Same Order That Are of Different Heights and Widths
This one is kind of complicated.
You see, there are these boxes we use at Amazon called “V4’s.”
V4’s are those foldy-flappy boxes that you get with hardcover books, or larger, comic-sized books.
While packing more than 1 book into a V4 is not all uncommon, and is in fact a welcome task, being as it’s faster and easier to assemble than a standard box, packing 2 items of significantly different proportions, is a different story.
More specifically, instances where one of the 2 items is shorter, yet, wider than the other, are fuckin’ bullshit.
Seriously, short of bending the ever-loving shit out of the wider item, there’s just no good way to pack that kind of order into a V4.
#2: Buying ANYTHING With a Satin Finish
FUCK IT HARD.
Seriously man, I love satin-finishes on business cards, and they certainly make for handsome covers to books, but when it comes to packing that shit, it just doesn’t fuckin’ work.
You know what happens when you put something with a satin-finish into a V4?
The ultra-smooth surface of the material causes it to slip around in there, thereby destabilizing your previously PERFECT pack job, resulting in a worthless-ass package that gets kicked back to you by the shipper, who; by the way, sees fit to shoot you a nasty stink-eye every time you fuck up!
Satin is evil.
#3: Order 45 of ANYTHING At the Same Time
45 Amazon Kindle E-Readers.
No really, 45 Kindles.
What's the big fuckin' deal?
In 1 box, mind you.
Why the fuck would you need 45 Kindles anyway?
Fuckin’ people, too lazy to buy real fuckin’ books…
#4: Order HD DVD’s
Okay, this one doesn’t so much PISS ME OFF, as it does make me laugh in a confused sort of way.
We all know Toshiba’s HD DVD got killed by Sony’s Blu-Ray several years ago, right?
Of course, we all know that this kind of shitty box art was largely responsible for the death of the format...
Well, apparently not all of us know this, as every now and I again I’m asked to pack and ship those familiar red-cased HD DVD’s to losers that are too dumb to admit that they backed the wrong horse.
Regardless, I’ve got no qualm with said losers, as HD DVD’s are usually a breeze to pack.
Unless said loser decides to buy a giant-ass book in the same order.
Then we’ve got issues.
Then, somebody’s gonna’ get cut.
Oh wait, they only give us fish-shaped “safety knives” at the warehouse.
Pictured: The Azn Badger's Weapon of Choice.
Regardless, somebody’s gonna’ get bludgeoned with a plastic tool in such a manner as to eventually ’cause skin irritation and/or drawing of blood…
#5: Order A “Ready-To-Ship” Item from Amazon
I know what you’re thinking:
“Ready-To-Ship? Shouldn’t that mean the item is already packed and is ready to go?”
Well, yes, it does in fact mean that the item arrived at the warehouse pre-packaged in an official Amazon.com box.
Despite this, for whatever reason, we packers are required to pack said pre-boxed item, into another box.
No joke, it’s like one of those Russian matryoshka dolls-within-dolls-within-dolls, etc…
Haha, it's funny 'cause there're lots of them and they're inside each other...
Now, while that probably seems mildly inconvenient, being as it forces me to pack something that, at first glance, seem like something not needing to be packed at all, this task is in fact extremely inconvenient being as said pre-packed boxes often “confuse” the shipping computer.
Pictured: Why we don't "confuse" Skynet, I mean, the computer...
Here’s the run-down:
Amazon.com uses a computer driven sorting system that catalogs all of the items and parcels within the warehouse.
On the Sea-6 side, the dot-com side that I work on, every order has box type associated with it ahead of time based on the contents of said order so as to inform the packers of what box type is required for each order.
When I say an item or order “confuses” the shipping computer, basically I mean that the computer recommends the wrong box type.
This generally happens because an item was cataloged incorrectly, however; in the case of “ready-to-ship” items, the cause is actually the fact that pre-packed box has, in the view of the computer, skewed the proportions of the item, thereby resulting in a box recommendation that is often a few sizes too small.
You really wanna’ know how to piss of a Professional Box Maker?
Ask him to make a box, and then tell him he did it for no other reason than to waste his motherfuckin’ time.
THAT pisses me off.
Anyway, that’s my rant.
Sorry for the uncharacteristically personal/whiny post, I swear I’ll get back to normal once I, you know, get a motherfuckin’ day off.
Filed under: Comics, Movies, Tokusatsu, Uncategorized, Amazon, Amazon Fresh, amazon.com, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Austin Powers, Blu-Ray, boxes, Brandon Routh, comedy, daikaiju, DC comics, e-book, e-reader, Godzilla, HD DVD, International Man of Mystery, Kindle, Mike Myers, Mothra, movie, packing, safety knife, shipping, Skynet, Sony, Superman, Superman Returns, The Terminator, Toho, Tokusatsu, Toshiba, warehouse