Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Tactical Roll!

This particular Magic card represents kind of an inside joke among my friends and I.

Oh yeah, that’s Harrison Ford tactically rolling by the way.

You see, in most military action videogames, particularly of the more “arcade-y” variety; an evade command is usually made available to the player.

More often than not, said evasive maneuvers end up taking the form of a dodge or roll.

Due to game programmer’s lame attempts at making their games more “fair,” and thusly less prone to causing bouts of rage quitting among their players; dodging in videogames can often feel like an infallible technique, even in the face of hails of gunfire.

Ever since my friends and I played Syphon Filter way back when, and discovered that performing the lethargic roll maneuver over and over again was akin to playing the game with God Mode enabled; the phrase “Tactical Roll” has become a running gag in our crew.

The clip above basically sums up what Syphon Filter THE SHIT back in the day…

Basically, the idea is that whenever someone’s in mortal danger while playing a game, you shout “Tactical Roll!” thusly prompting them to attempt to dodge.

It’s true, a roll can be used to dodge most anything, but a “tactical” roll?  That’s just plain unfair

On paper, this probably sounds boring as shit, and most assuredly unfunny; but trust me, when you’re taking fire over your head during a game of airsoft and you hear one of your buddies shout out to you to do a “Tactical Roll!,” it’s freakin’ hilarious.

Anyway, just so we’re all clear, Peppy Hare’s cry of “Do A Barrel Roll!” in Starfox 64, and Will Ferell’s “Serpentine! Serpentine!” from the truly shitty Land of the Lost; had nothing to do with the inception of “Tactical Roll!”

A biter the Azn Badger is not…

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Filed under: Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Legend of Harrison Ford’s Punches

While I’m guessing it’s been thoroughly documented elsewhere, I feel I need to say a little something about the nature of the above Magic card.

Harrison Ford made his livings as an “action star” for a good portion of the 80’s and early 90’s.

Despite this reputation however, it doesn’t take a genius to notice that he’s by no means a physical specimen.

Pictured: Harrison Ford prepares to undergo a procedure to become a physical specimen.

Let it be known, in the world of Hollywood films, a “rugged” appearance, a team of good stunt men, and some creative camera angles can go a long way towards making an action star out of even the most ordinary of people.

That being said, while I loves me some Harrison Ford, and would never go out of my way to talk shit about him or his career, I feel it needs to be mentioned that the man never fully grasped the mechanics involved in throwing a decent punch.

While that may sound like nitpicking to some, (it is) I’ve always found this to be hilarious, being as Mr. Ford has a reputation for decking people in an alarming number of his films, much to my approval.

Hell, I even remember him clocking somebody in Witness, while disguised as an Amish guy no less.

Damn, that's one savage MAN FACE. Hey look, Viggo Mortensen!

Watching Harrison Ford draw back and punch somebody, is akin to bearing witness to a violent seizure or dry heave.

Near as I can tell, the man has no fucking clue what he’s doing, nor any real control over his actions; yet somehow, he’s pretty damn consistent about doing it the same way every time.

You see he doesn’t really punch, per se.  It’s more like he sticks out his arm like Superman and falls fist first into people’s faces.

"Aw shit, get to cover people! Harrison Ford's winding up!"

My guess is, this particular technique is unorthodox and unpredictable to the point of being utterly impossible to avoid.

Think of it like drunken boxing, only sloppier and more Jewish.

Fortunately, Mr. Ford’s punches have the benefit of being backed up with some of the greatest punch sound effects in the history of film:

That’s the magic of filmmaking for yah’.

You can throw the ugliest punches known to man for 20 or 30 years, but in the end; all it takes is the combined awesomeness of a character like Indiana Jones, and some awesome sound effects, and you have the makings of an action movie legend.

Thus is the difference between an “Indiana Jones Punch,” and a “Harrison Ford Punch.”

The former has the benefit of Spielberg-ian/Lucas-ian cinematography and sound engineering, while the latter displays the sad reality behind all the flash.

Anyway, that was “The Legend of the Harrison Ford Punch.”

Hopefully this has been an educational, and intellectually stimulating experience.

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

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