You see that big, steamy, pile of green/brown shit?
That my friend, is a Hawaiian dish by the name Laulau.
Don’t let the friendly, and vaguely baby talk-ish name fool you; Laulau doesn’t just put hair on your chest, it tears it out your ass and then staples it to your fuckin’ sternum.
A typical Laulau consists of only a handful of ingredients, most notably fat and pig.
Basically, you take the fattiest chunk of pig-butt and butterfish that you can find, salt both of ’em to shit, and then wrap it all in taro leaves and steam it until fat/grease starts to pour out.
I think the main idea behind the conception of Laulau, and indeed most Hawaiian cooking, was the idea that:
No piece of pig can’t be made better without the addition of copious amounts of fat and salt.
Oddly enough, while I’ve done posts on this blog before about the horrors of traumatic bowel evacuations AKA toilet warfare; curiously enough Laulau is a dish that has rarely given me trouble in this department.
The real challenge in dealing with Laulau, is simply coping with the sheer richness of it’s composition.
In recent years I’ve gotten in the habit of thinking of the after effects of consuming Laulau as being akin to a combination of “brain freeze” and “cheese sweats.”
To the uninitiated, brain freeze is that horrible throbbing pain you get in your frontal lobe when you eat cold dishes too quickly.
The cheese sweats are that greasy, sweaty, and logy feeling that lactose intolerant people (like myself) tend to get when they say “fuck it” in the face of their genetic defects and order the fettuccine.
Eating Laulau results in what I like to think of as a combination of these effects.
Basically, the fuckin’ taro turd is SO goddamn salty, SO goddamn fatty, and jam-packed with SO MUCH fuckin’ pig; that your brain and your belly just can’t cope with it.
Sure, you’ll start off fine, hell; you might even start shoveling the damn thing on account of how FUCKING TASTY it is, but as you start to get about halfway through it, at some point you’ll start to slow…
What follows, is a feeling I can only describe as being akin to having “fat on the brain.”
In short, it feels like you’re body is pumped full of so much fuckin’ fat and pig that it starts to feel like your stomach has run out of room, so it starts booting the shit up into your brain.
That’s when you know the Laulau’s got you by the balls.
When it’s got you under it’s hypnotic, fat and salt fueled spell…
Your thoughts start to cloud.
Your movements become lethargic.
You start to lose interest in everything else on your plate.
And oddly enough, despite intense feelings of fullness radiating throughout your torso; you keep telling yourself:
“I’m gonna’ finish this… I’m gonna’ finish this… I can’t let it win…”
Silly bitch, there is no “winning” against the power of Laulau.
There is only surviving.
Surviving and waking up the next day to discover you’ve gained 10 lbs. off of a half pound dinner of pig, fish, and greens.
The worst part of succumbing to the effects of Laulau though, is the lethargy inducing grease factor.
The cheese sweats can be rough, but Laulau sweats are a whole ‘nother story.
Like dealing with a T-Rex, who’s visual acuity’s based on movement; you’re fine if you don’t move, but once you try to get up for seconds, (yeah, good luck with that…) or make a move for the rest room, you’ll be in for a nasty surprise.
Basically, any movement, no matter brief or relaxed; will result in your pores barfing up a fresh coat of pig scented sweat.
Not only that, you’ll find that any move you make will tire you the fuck out.
Anyway, consider this article a word of caution to all the potential first timers when it comes to trying Laulau.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need go take a shower to wash the pig stink out of my skin, go into a well-deserved food coma, and then do it all over again tomorrow…