Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

The Thing Prequel Looks… Meh.

John Carpenter’s The Thing is a very special kind of horror film.

It horrifies as much as it chills, it awes as much as it intrigues; in short, it is one of the finer examples of a sci-fi horror film that is not only good by the standards of it’s genre, but by the standards of filmmaking in general.

Easily my favorite of John Carpenter’s “Apocalypse Trilogy,” The Thing is one of those movies I don’t see myself ever getting tired of watching.

The makeup and prosthetic effects by Rob Bottin alone, are worth the price of admission.

On a side note, it’s easy to forget that the movie was also a remake of Howard Hawk’s The Thing From Another World, which in turn was an adaptation of the John W. Campbell novella, Who Goes There?

I’d like to claim that I knew who John W. Campbell was before writing this article, but I’m just gonna’ call bullshit on myself right now and give thanks to Wikipedia.

Anyway, despite all this, The Thing bears little very little resemblance to it’s preceding film counterpart, which in many ways serves as it’s greatest strength.

Even today, The Thing stands as a very unique film, with a one of a kind antagonist, a memorable cast of characters, and one of the most oppressive and claustrophobic settings in all of horror cinema.

Which brings us to the 2011 prequel of The Thing that is set to debut this October.

I’m not gonna’ lie, even the title of this movie pisses me off.

Given that it’s a prequel, that means that if one were to watch the 2 films in sequence, the 2011 movie and the 1982 John Carpenter film; one would effectively be forced to watch 2 films with the same name back to back.

That’s just fucked up.

I mean, when you remake a movie and recycle the title, such as was the case with Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street; that alone is pretty confusing, but when you make a prequel that shares a title with it’s sequel; that’s just fuckin’ stupid.

You know that annoying bullshit that comes up whenever you mention Friday the 13th and some jerk-faced asshole has to chime in and ask:

“Which one?  The remake or the original?”

Guess what?

That’s shit’s gonna’ be 20 times worse when you’re talking to the same jerk-faced asshole about The Thing!

“The prequel?  Or the sequel?  The 2011 one?  Or the 1982 version?”

And you know some motherfucker is gonna’ have the gall to throw The Thing From Another World into the mix, just to obfuscate things and piss you off.

THE SHIT.  NEVER.  ENDS.

Gettin’ really tired of Hollywood doing stupid shit like this to cover their losses and get them dollars…

*ANYWAY* THE 2011 PREQUEL OF JOHN CARPENTER’S THE THING apparently takes place at the Norwegian camp that originally discovered the alien menace of the title, however the trailer for this prequel feels much more like a remake.

TRAILER HERE

For fuck’s sake, the marketing crew even went so far as to reuse John Carpenter’s droning synthesizer music for the fuckin’ trailer.

Sure, the characters are different, as is much of the setup; but it bothers me that many of the key scenes of the 1982 film are apparently recycled and much of the set bears more than a passing resemblance to what’s come before it.

Sadly, I think that’s just what one has to expect when making a Thing prequel, which if you ask me; was never a good idea in the first place.

Given what we knew of the Norwegian camp from the first film, there’s just too many restrictions that have already been set in stone before the first reel has even run.

We already know the movie takes place in the artic.

We know nobody makes it out alive except for a couple of dudes that hop in a chopper and die a few minutes into the next movie.

We already know the nature of the title monster, which automatically kills about 90% of the drama and cleverness that the John Carpenter film brought to the table.

And to top it all off, we already know that the movie is going to end with a Husky running off into the sunset.

Oddly enough, despite all this I think the one objection this prequel that I really feel the need to throw out there, has to do with the inclusion of Mary Elizabeth Winstead as what I assume is the protagonist.

I don’t mean to sound chauvinistic or anything, but in my opinion The Thing’s all male cast actually served to lend it a great deal of dramatic weight.

When the paranoia settled in, and Wilford Brimley started ragin’ the diabeetus and breakin’ shit; there was a point in The Thing where you really believed, not only that anyone could be a Thing, but also that this was a bunch of guys that really were this close to gutting one another to survive.

In inserting a female character into the mix, you change the entire dynamic, and indeed the entire atmosphere of the film, largely because of horror movie traditions like the “Final Girl.”

It’s probably just me, but I don’t see something like The Thing benefiting from high-pitched screams, guys getting predictably killed off in savage ways due to their misogynistic practices, and dudes making it to the end on account of their romantic associations with the protagonist.

I realize the above statements were insensitive.

Fuck you, get your own damn blog.

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One Response

  1. Sean Parker says:

    It may be mean but it sure is true! I hope you never stop telling it like it is, buddy.

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