Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Conan Looks Like Shit…

Well, it’s been a long time coming, but they’ve finally released a theatrical trailer for the new Conan the Barbarian.

For those that are keeping score at home, in previous articles I made mention of the fact that the production stills for the movie had a decent look to them, and that Jason Momoa seemed a capable enough actor to take on the character of Conan.

Then the teaser was released, and suddenly the whole thing started to seem cheap and hokey.


Despite this, I found myself more than willing to concede that this epic clusterfuck of a poorly conceived teaser trailer was mostly the fault of a lame-ass marketing department, and not a genuine representation of the quality of the actual film.

While that could in fact be the case, and indeed, could still be the case; it’s hard for me to say that the new trailer for Conan looks at all good.


The production values seem decent enough, with some some nice background vistas, practical sets, and (excessively detailed) costumes, but the various action set-pieces the trailer promises are far from noteworthy.

Tentacle beast?

Albino sand people?

Magical claw lady cat fight?

I’m sorry, but none of that really seems like stuff I’d like to see in my Conan movies.

I think the worst comment I can make about this trailer, is the fact that it reminded me of the recent Clash of the Titans remake.

Pictured: Sky Marine hanging out with his Greek Protoss buddy in Medusa's layer. Don't worry, it's an inside joke.

For those who are unaware, Clash of the Titans is a pretty fuckin’ lousy remake, of a beautifully animated; but otherwise mediocre Ray Harryhausen film.

The one saving grace for Conan that is impossible to gauge from the trailer, is the fact that Lionsgate and Millenium Pictures movies have a pretty good reputation for including ridiculous amounts of violence in their films.

That being said, should this new Conan be as bloody and SAVAGE as it’s curiously over-the-top DEAD SERIOUS tone might suggest, there’s a good chance the various fade to black portions of the trailer might be concealing some truly epic bloodshed.

This is definitely a “maybe” for now, and at the end of the day it won’t really make the movie any more worthwhile than it already is; but in my book good action can go a long way towards making a shitty movie I spent $10 to see that much less shitty.

Here’s hoping this one doesn’t suck, ’cause despite all the shit I talked just now, it’s more than likely I’ll end up seeing it in the theater anyway!

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4 Responses

  1. What. In Crom’s sack. Was that. If that was even a 25% representation of the movie, I’m going to be upset. I am already 25% upset.

  2. Have you read Blood and Thunder, by the way? The book about Robert E. Howard’s life? It’s good, slow at first, but really awesome once you get into it. The author wasn’t a fan of the Arnold movies at all. I just don’t see why Conan needs to be a big budget CGI Eyefuck. It’s not 300, it’s not a Marvel movie, it’s a lore based in the roots of swords and sorcery. The whole romanticism behind Hyboria is that it’s a savage, primitive age or desperate adventure. I guess when I look at the previews I don’t see this bleak, harsh environment, I see this huge jizz of color. Bleh.

    • aznbadger says:

      I actually haven’t read anything by Robert E Howard. Most of my appreciation comes from the Arnold movies, cartoon show, and just a general love for the more brutal and less extravagant sword and sorcery elements of the Hyborian world. I agree with you, this new movie does seem too “colorful.” In my blog post I mentioned how the costuming and sets seemed a little too heavily ornamented, which was basically my way of commenting of the world seeming too civilized and not “wasteland-y” enough. Thanks for commenting, maybe I’ll check out that book someday!

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