Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Thoughts On Conan The Barbarian Teaser

I’ve posted a couple of times now regarding my thoughts on the upcoming Jason Momoa Conan film, however this marks the first time said thoughts have been anything less than hopeful.

That being said, while I’m completely aware of the dangers of using a teaser trailer as a quality barometer for a yet to be released film, I’ve gotta’ say; whoever is in charge of the marketing for Conan The Barbarian needs to be dick-slapped something fierce.

Speaking of which, I’m not sure when they decided to go with the title “Conan The Barbarian,” but personally I think that was a bad move.

I mean yeah, I understand that the producers are probably looking to create some brand recognition, not to mention distance their film from the similarly titled Conan O’Brien show, but even so; the thought of 2 films of such a short series bearing the exact same name seems a little strange to me.

Anyway, let’s back to the topic at hand, namely that of the teaser from said Conan movie.

Speaking of which, I should probably post that for you to see.

Here yah’ go:

Long story short, I found the teaser to be laughable.

Other than a few foggy images fading in and out through a smoke cloud, there’s little to no content to be found within it, making it the very definition of a teaser; which in and of itself not a bad thing.

Remember when the first teasers for Inception came out and we were all totally drawn in by how enigmatic and full of Hans Zimmer infused BWAAHHHH!!!! they were?

Well, that would’ve worked for Conan, had they excised all of the voice-over and narration and instead gone with something a little more subtle.

Unfortunately, they didn’t.

No, instead we get some of the most over the top (and cerebral) voice-over this side of UFC commentary.

Seriously, I don’t know if it’s just me, but the voice of the narrator sounded really fuckin’ stupid to me.

He sounded like he was trying to work from the badass Don LaFontaine school of “IN A WORLD” style voice-over, but sadly it just kind of ends up sounding really dumb and horribly forced.

To make matters worse, when the narrator is switched out for Jason Momoa’s “Conan voice;” it ends up sounding like the 2 guys were trying to one-up each other in the excessively manly voice department.

Anyway, while the teaser might be really fuckin’ stupid, and poorly imagined at that; I feel it’s worth reiterating that at it’s core it’s just a trailer, and should have little to no bearing on the quality of the finished product.

In any case, I’ll still end up watching the movie anyway; ’cause let’s face it, it’s Conan, and Conan’s the shit.

In the hopes of giving this post at least some element of positivity, I feel it’s worth mentioning that in perusing the Conan The Barbarian wikipedia page, I happened to note that Bob Sapp was listed in the cast, which at least gives the movie the added benefit of potentially playing host to a Jason Momoa/Bob Sapp smackdown.

As you can see, Mr. Sapp is pretty fuckin' awesome...

As much as I like Bob Sapp, in all honesty; the man has a pretty awful track record in his film appearances.

Seriously man, Devil Man and Elektra were shitty movies on their own; however it could easily be argued that Bob Sapp’s presence in them, actually might have contributed to making them the piles of ass they are.

Come to think of it, he’s been out of the spotlight for long enough that I’m just kind of hoping he hasn’t ballooned into a fat fuck like a lot of retired pro athletes.

In his defense, "The Fridge" was never all that slim to begin with...

Huh, guess that wasn’t all that positive after all…

Anyway, here’s hoping that despite the horrible teaser trailer, Conan The Barbarian ends up being the worthwhile movie I’ve been waiting for all these years.

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6 Responses

  1. kingkellogg the waffle haggler says:

    …that kinda sucked

  2. As a die-hard Conan fan, I have to agree, the teaser should never have been introduced in its current form. I hadn’t thought about “The Barbarian” aspect of it though, I think that’s a good point.

    • aznbadger says:

      Seriously man, there’s only 3 movies, and now 2 of them are going to have the same title. So now every time one of those 2 comes up in conversation, we’re inevitably forced to ask:
      “Hang on, which Conan? Arnold or Hawaiian?”

  3. I think they made a decent call as far as casting a Hawaiian. Although the books illustrate Conan as being born of an inland tribe, they also described him as being dark haired and skinned, etc, so I think he will set himself aside from Arnold well, though I think he’s a bit too “pretty”. My biggest opinion will be based on one thing: Rating. They haven’t assigned a rating for this movie. Much like Aliens Vs. Predator, when it walked on with a PG-13 rating, I was instantly done. This movie will be 100 times worse. There is no way they will properly carry Howard’s vision across with a weak teen-oriented rating.

    • aznbadger says:

      I agree with you on the casting of Momoa. I think he’ll do fine, provided he doesn’t use his “man-voice” from the teaser all the way through the movie… Also, I honestly don’t think it’ll end up getting a PG-13. The movie is produced and distributed by the combined forces of Lions Gate, Nu Image, and Millenium Films, all companies that revel in pumping out schlocky R-rated films. Punisher: War Zone, Rambo, and The Expendables being examples of their filmography. In any case, I’ll be thoroughly disappointed if this one gets a PG-13, as I’d agree wholeheartedly that it would ruin it’s chances of capturing the Conan spirit.

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