Today my anus was sneak attacked as few anuses have been, uh, “snuck” attacked before it.
It all began 2 days ago at the dinner table…
My father, adventurous chef that he is; acquired a half dozen lamb shanks and broiled/stewed/cooked the shit out of them.
Served awash in their own juices, as well as a healthy dousing of gravy, cranberries and mushrooms; the lamb was mouth-wateringly juicy and undeniably scrumptious.
It was a fine meal, fit for a king even.
… And then the lamb shanks made a second appearance on the dinner table the following evening.
Once again partaking of the greasy and oh so delicious lamb, I had no idea I was testing the limits of my stomach’s capacity to process hearty and/or artery clogging foods.
That evening I went to bed a boy with a full stomach.
Today I come before you, a man.
A man that can’t so much as bend over without feeling like he’s got a wad of tin foil lodged in his asshole.
Honestly man, despite all the bathroom war stories I’ve shared on this blog, the one that I experienced earlier today was the worst I’ve ever experienced.
The worst part of it, as indicated by the title of this post; was the fact that I had no idea what was coming my way until it was already halfway out of me.
It began as many anal skirmishes do, with a persistent, but otherwise mild feeling of itchiness in my rectum.
Still at work at the time, I decided to ignore the warning shot across my asses’ bow in favor of keeping busy.
Throughout the day, the itchiness persisted, gradually pervading my consciousness and making it difficult to stay on task.
The problem was, I honestly didn’t feel like I needed to dump ass, my canal just felt itchy is all.
Anyway, as one might expect, after hours of itchiness in my cheek trench, I decided to set aside some time during my lunch break and attempt a little preemptive toilet bombing.
Y’know, just to see if there was in fact something stewing around in my guts that wanted out, but was just too shy to send out a warning fart to let me know.
Let me take a second to point something out to you:
We don’t sit down at the Amazon.com warehouse.
We get lunch and a few breaks, but outside of that; there’s almost no task in the warehouse that allows for one to sit down.
That being said, from the time I started getting my warning itch, to the time I actually decided to address it, I was never once squatting, bent over, or sitting down.
Had I done any one of those things, I probably wouldn’t have ignored those anal itches as foolishly as I did.
The moment I lifted my ass and bent my knees to plop down on the toilet, I felt my anus tear itself apart in a firestorm of rectal fury.
Fucking child’s play compared to the furious inferno of hellfire rampaging through my asshole at ground zero.
As I sit here typing this, I still don’t know what the fuck happened.
It seriously felt like someone took an icepick, rammed it up my ass, and then “stirred” it around up there like they were making brownie mix or some shit.
Did I mention the icepick had been heated with a blowtorch?
Anyway, despite my eyes beginning to drip with tears from the pain an intensity of the battle ensuing down below; I nevertheless made the commitment to press forward and expel the foul beast of bile that had so viciously crippled my asshole.
While the sneak attack on my asshole was easily the most painful experience of today’s instance of bathroom warfare, the actual shit was pretty epic as well.
It’s not often I take long shits, but today’s sneaky turd was a good 6-8 incher.
While that may not be much by most standards, the real issue was the fact that, while he might not have been epicly long, he made me fight for every inch.
You ever seen a Moray Eel?
Well, imagine pushing that out your anus, while it’s head’s inside you tearing away at your innards.
Needless to say, it was a hard fought battle that I feel fortunate to have survived.
Upon finally expelling the foul beast of brown from my bruised and bloodied hole of shame, I quickly flushed it away fearing it might in fact have been some sort of nasty creature out to get me from the inside out:
Quite faithfully rendered from the source material as well if I do say so myself.
Anyway, consider yourselves fortunate you weren’t me today folks.
Though I may be alive and mostly well, (my ass still hurts like a motherfucker…) something tells me I’ll be having flashbacks and night terrors over this one for some time…