Azn Badger's Blog

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Thinking About Conan

It’s funny, until about 2 minutes ago, I was seriously considering skipping today’s post.

You see, I’ve had a distinct lack of motivation.

It’s not that I don’t have any ideas for posts, on the contrary, I’ve got ’em by the bucket load, rather it’s the fact that I simply don’t have the time needed to complete them after I get home from work.

Anyway, as fate would have it, my Ipod decided to assault my ears with the powerful and wonderous sounds of Basil Poledouris’ Conan the Barbarian soundtrack.

Man, why did he have to die...

Let it be known, the Azn Badger loves him some Basil Poledouris, but perhaps more importantly, he fuckin’ loves him some Conan.

In short, Conan is the shit, especially the Arnold Schwarzenegger version:

FUCK.  YEAH.

I was a late arrival to the Conan party, only actually seeing the 2 movies when in I was already in my late teens, (thanks J. Dong) but that doesn’t make me any less of a fan.

Actually, if you want to get technical about it, my first experience with Conan dates back to the early 90’s when I used to watch the cartoon series, Conan the Adventurer:

Yes, Conan was indeed THE SHIT.

Seriously, that cartoon was crazy violent for the time, making it especially memorable to my impressionable young mind.

Anyway, the point that I’m trying to make, is simply that Conan is FUCKING AWESOME:

Which leads me to my next point:

Did you know that they’re making another Conan movie?

I know what you’re thinking:

“How can they make a Conan movie without Arnold!?”

Well, truth be told, they probably cant.

Arnold on any given Tuesday.

Arnold brought to that role a level of charisma and gravitas that few actors could ever hope to match, and as such, he pretty much embodies the character in my mind.

Not only that, but despite the Conan films being made very early in Schwarzenegger’s career, they have a look and feel to them that is unmistakeably “Arnold.”

My point is, what I know of Conan is based around Arnold, thusly making any other interpretations of the character “wrong” in my eyes.

I’m not trying to be close-minded or head strong, but that’s just how it is.

The new Conan is going to be directed by Marcus Nispel, who just happened to direct Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Pathfinder, and Friday the 13th, suggesting a penchant for/familiarity with bladed weapon-based combat.

Note that none of the films mentioned above are worth a baggy of monkey piss, nor were any of them filmed with any semblance of redeemable style or tact.

Pictured: A Urine Bag worth several cents more than any film on Marcus Nispel's resume.

It goes without saying, though Nispel might be better than say Brett Ratner, (the previous director signed to the project) he’s no prize pony.

ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY RATNER!? YOU FUCKING KILLED JACKIE CHAN YOU HAIRY SACK OF FLAMINGO FUCK!

Conan will be played by Jason Momoa of Stargate Atlantis fame.

Hmm, a little Prince of Persia-esque, but somewhat promising nonetheless...

I’ve never seen Momoa’s acting, so I can’t say how he’ll fare in that area, but being as he’s a tall and muscular dude he seems at least physically prepared for the role.

He’s no Arnold, but if the movie sucks, (which it most likely will) then my guess it’ll be the director’s fault moreso than Mr. Momoa.

Do the Hawaiians proud Momoa.

Ron Perlman is also featured in the cast, which is very much a good thing.

Ron Perlman sans makeup.

Mr. Perlman turns out consistently entertaining and engaging performances, plus it’s an interesting novelty to have Conan’s voice actor from the 2007 videogame present in a live-action Conan film.

On the production side of things, the music is going to be done by one Steve Jablonsky.

I liked Jablonsky for about 5 minutes.

I enjoyed his soundtrack for Transformers, however pretty much as soon as the curtains went up after that film ended, and he became the composer for the nerd population of the world, I came to realize that he’s pretty much a one trick pony.

This is just about the best he’s capable of:

While very good, that’s about all he’s got.

Pretty every score he does is same shit different day.

Insert heavy percussion here.
Insert brooding male choir there.
Top it off with some heavy electronic effects, and you’ve got your basic Jablonsky score.
Now I ask you, compare that to the epicry that is this:

That’s right, Basil Poledouris is THE SHIT.

RIDDLE OF STEEL FOREVER BITCHES!

In case you can’t tell by now, my personal expectations for the film are extremely low.

I truly and honestly believe that this film will suck balls.

Pictured: The promotional image that first made me think this movie was going to suck.

It kind of sucks to think that way about a franchise I love and respect so much, but when you look at the cast and director, and the fact that the film has been in development hell for so fucking long, one can’t help but feel like this movie was doomed from the moment the writer’s pen first hit the paper.

Anyway, just felt like talkin’ about Conan for a bit.

See you in the theater when this one comes out next year.

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4 Responses

  1. Al Harron says:

    “My point is, what I know of Conan is based around Arnold, thusly making any other interpretations of the character “wrong” in my eyes.”

    Well, the thing is, Conan has been around for a good 50 years before Arnold came on the scene. Conan was invented in the ’30s by Robert E. Howard, and there were dozens of illustrators contributing their conception of Conan. It wasn’t until the late ’60s that Frazetta came on the scene, and he more or less defined the popular image of the Cimmerian, based on Howard’s descriptions. Then Dino de Laurentiis decided to make a film to showcase Arnie, his studio had the Conan license…

    When it comes to adaptation, Arnold & John Milius’ Conan is not the Conan of Robert E. Howard’s creation. The two are very different in personality, history and temperament. Even little things like hair colour are different. Jason Momoa is far closer to Howard’s Conan than Arnold was – just a shame the script’s a pile of garbage, or Momoa would’ve been a pretty good Conan.

    I think of Conan the Barbarian as a sort of “elseworld” version of the character: even though it’s about as close an adaptation of the stories as Verhoeven’s Starship Troopers was to Heinlein, it’s a kickass film in its own right.

    All that said, though, it’s probably going to suck for all the other reasons you mentioned. Namely Nispel, who I have no faith in, and the writers, who are garbage. Despite assurances that this film would be “more faithful” to Howard, it comes across more a remake of Conan the Barbarian – and who on earth wants that? – than anything else. Such a shame.

  2. aznbadger says:

    Thank you for that informative historical summary of Mr. Conan. I was vaguely aware of the differences between Howard’s original version of the character and the film version. This cleared things up a bit more.

  3. codecrackx15 says:

    I’m a fan of REH’s version and Arnold’s take on it but this one just doesn’t look right so far. It looks kind of like the costumes and sets from that Kevin Sorbo Hercules crap that used to be on TV. The swords in this one look too neat and fake too. I’ll probably see it being a Conan fan but I’m not holding my breath that it will be good…

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