Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

Heavyweights: The Best Movie Ever

It's funny, I have no fucking clue is supposed to be in that sandwich. Also, I think the kid in the glasses is just on the poster for the sake of appealing to the glassed demographic. He really wasn't an important character...

Gather ’round children, and let me tell you a little story about a phat-ass movie called Heavyweights.

Or is that, “fat” ass?…

As advertised on the poster above, Heavyweights was a product of Disney’s early 90’s blitz of live-action kid-comedy/underdog sports movies.

The Sandlot, The Mighty Ducks series, Angels in the Outfield, and to a lesser extent, The Big Green, were all heaped on us during this time, and for what it’s worth, I loved every one of them.

Well, except for The Big Green, that one sucked balls.

Cast: Steve Guttenberg and the Fat Ginger Kid from the Sandlot. Recipe for success...

Anyway, Heavyweights stood apart from the rest in that it wasn’t a sports drama, rather; it was a movie about fat kids being, well, fat.

Well, not exactly.

In reality, the plot is about a bunch of fat kids, at fat camp no less, being ridiculed for being fat by their new health-nut camp counselor, only to have their worth as human beings validated in the last 10 minutes of the movie.

The rest of the movie is all fat jokes though.  As it should be.

HAHA! HE'S FAT!

I’ve always thought it was funny to picture the conception process the studio execs went through to come up with Heavyweights.

I’d imagine it went something like this:

What I love about Heavyweights, especially as an adult, is how the movie spends about 80% of it’s running time unabashedly stereotyping and shitting all over the fat kids in the cast, with predictably hilarious results.

The sequence where we discover that EVERY SINGLE ONE of the fat camp attendees has smuggled in junk food?

Fuckin’ gold, man.

The sequence where Ben Stiller kicks Goldberg off the scale for being FUCKING HUGE?

Fuckin’ genius.

The scene where the fat kids get desperate and chase after a cow to try and eat it?

Fuckin’ brilliant.

And wouldn’t you know it, I just watched the trailer, and every single one of those scenes is highlighted in it:

The whole movie is filled with these moments, and aside from the general humor that springs from a movie based around the concept of making fun of fat kids, one thing that Heavyweights deserves special note for, is the fact that it genuinely is funny.

You heard me, at 23 years of age, I still think Heavyweights is a funny-ass movie.

The kids were all pretty good as far as child actors go.

Kenan Thompson and Goldberg from The Mighty Ducks really set themselves apart from the rest, especially Goldberg.

For now and forever, he will be Goldberg.

Kind of sucks that the last time I can recall seeing Goldberg was on an episode of The King of Queens, while Kenan is livin’ it up on Saturday Night Live.

I know Goldberg has a real name, but I refuse to learn it, or failing that, use it.

Sorry buddy, you’re always gonna’ be Goldberg in my book…

The fat producer guy from Frasier did alright, but given that I remember him as the “fat producer guy from Frasier” instead of the “fat counselor from Heavyweights,” I think it’s safe to say that he didn’t make that much of an impression.

Although I do think it’s funny that they named him Pat.

That names just fits too well.

Seriously man, I'd call him "Pat" even if I didn't know his name!

Ben Stiller’s performance as the villain, Tony Perkis, while twisted and energetic, was not exactly my favorite in the movie.

Hell, if anything I’d say he was upstaged by his own mom and pop in the 1 or 2 scenes they were in.

Jerry Stiller/Frank Costanza/Arthur Spooner = FUCKING HILARIOUS.

I do find it kind of funny though, that Ben Stiller has had the opportunity to play 2 different maniacal fitness gurus in his career, first in Heavyweights, and then later on in Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story.

Same shit different day for Ben Stiller...

Despite the pretty full cast of familiar faces, the one performance that always stood out to me, that could always make me laugh, was from the man who played the right-hand to Ben Stiller’s Tony Perkis, the character known as Lars.

Lars: The ONLY Funny German

Lars was fuckin’ awesome.

Every time he opened his mouth, Lars managed to take the fun factor of Heavyweights, and turn it up to 11.

Like when he yells at Kenan for breaking his camera with his fat-kid ass:

Speaking of Kenan, remember that one time that Kenan asks him what’s up with his goofy ass name, and then asks him where he’s from?

I always loved Lars direct, and very Deutsch response:

That was awesome.

The one scene that will always make me laugh though, the one that I still reference to this day, is when Lars explains his safety procedures for letting the fat kids swim.

When asked how he’s going to keep track of and maintain the safety of the fat kids, Lars explains:

“I have ‘dem on ‘dah body system!”

By “body,” of course, Lars means “buddy.”

This of course leads to much blowing of whistles and back and forth yelling at the fat kids:

In one scene, the comedic brilliance that is Lars:

Hah, I like how this post basically turned into a walk down the “early 90’s comedies” memory lane.

Ah, back when writing was still valued in Hollywood…

Anyway, if you haven’t seen Heavyweights, do yourself a favor and look it up.

If you have ever giggled at the sight of overweight children being told to their face that they’re HUGE for 90 minutes straight, then I’m sure you’ll enjoy Heavyweights.

I sure did, and I was a fattie when I first saw it!

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