E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial was, for the better part of half my life, the scariest fucking movie I never saw.
And no, I’m not talking about the fact that E.T. looked like a goddamn monkey turd/cock that had been left out in the sun too long and beaten with a crystal dildo.
No, to be honest, when I first saw the movie I didn’t even know what E.T. fuckin’ looked like, but even so, the movie scared the piss outta’ me.
Why, you ask?
Well, the story starts back in 1985, 2 years before I was even born.
Steven Spielberg’s 1982 blockbuster powerhouse, E.T.; proved so impossibly successful, both critically and financially, that it saw a theatrical re-release in the summer of 1985.
Being as the movie was supposed to be, well, just about THE BEST MOVIE EVER, my parents decided to take their first son, my older brother; to see it in the theater.
He was 2 years old.
My parents sat at the theater, with my brother in my mom’s lap.
The opening credits slowly faded in, with no fanfare or sound of any kind playing over it.
After a few minutes, a starry night sky appeared on the screen, followed by a long tracking shot surveying a grand spaceship in the forest.
Little brown figures, oddly cute in a pathetic sort of way; clumsily wandered about the forest, seemingly exploring their surroundings.
After awhile, of the little brown guy’s wandered off from the spaceship, where he happened upon a spot in the woods overlooking the night lights of a city.
With a terrible noise, a series of vehicles tore through the forest converging on our little brown friend, their headlights shooting through the foliage like white hot beams of pure terror.
Then some men got out of their cars.
And they starting chasing E.T.
From the moment E.T.’s chest starting glowing red, and he let loose his gut-wrenching, cringe inducing baby-in-distress scream, my brother just couldn’t handle it.
He started bawling in the theater and thrashing around in my mom’s arms so violently, that my parents were forced to get up and leave the theater with him.
BEST MOVIE EVER, and they didn’t even get to see 10 minutes of it with their first child.
Flash forward several years, and I’m 3 or 4, just a little bit older than my brother was when he first experienced E.T.
My parents rented E.T. and sat down to watch it with me.
I remember earlier that day, my brother and I were playing together, and he decided to tell me what to expect from the movie.
He told me this:
“E.T.’s chest starts glowing, and you can see his insides and stuff. Then his chest opens up, and he pulls a laser gun out of there and starts killing everybody.”
No joke, that’s what he told me.
I was a little kid, and he was my older brother, so of course I believed every word of it.
I don’t know why he told me that, maybe because he was embarrassed by how badly the movie freaked him out, and wanted me to do the same, but regardless, that’s exactly what happened.
As soon as E.T.’s chest started glowing that hellfire red, revealing his transparent ribcage, everything my brother told me started flooding my imagination with all sorts of terrifying imagery.
I saw E.T.’s chest flying open, spraying gore and viscera across the forest floor.
I saw E.T. pulling out a hairdryer shaped ray gun and pointing it at the scary men.
I saw the scary men being torn to bits and rendered to a fine sanguine mist by the vicious light beams streaming through them.
In short, just like my brother before me, I freaked out during the first 10 minutes of E.T. so badly that my parents had to eject the tape and return it the very same night.
At some point in my life, I recall seeing E.T. maybe once, though I hardly have any memories of it.
To be honest though, I don’t know if my parents ever got a chance to see it.
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