Hello all, and welcome to another exciting installment of Let’s Look at Comics!
If you don’t know what the Justice League is, then you can consider yourself a waste of flesh, and a waste of my motherfucking time.
Seriously, get the fuck out.
Nah, just kidding, The Avengers exist to combat threats that no single hero could combat on their own.
Truth be told, I’ve never really been an Avengers fan, largely due to the fact that the opposition they are required to face in order for the battle to seem at all competitive, are the kind of villains that are outrageously overpowered to the point in which deus ex machina is often required to defeat them.
In all, I’m not really a “team” fan.
The Justice League is dull for the same reasons The Avengers are.
The X-Men are cool, but have the most impenetrable continuity in all of continuities.
Seriously though, I get more satisfaction out of taking a shit than I do reading their stuff.
Getting back on track, at some point during the 80’s Marvel had the bright idea to try their hand at expanding their readership by creating a spin-off series based on The Avengers called The Avengers West Coast.
As is always the case, breaking up the band proved to be a bad idea.
Despite this, DC was kind enough to follow-suit and rip them off a few years later with the launch of their own Justice League spin-off, Justice League International.
Oh yeah, did I mention that it sucked too?
The problem with Avengers West Coast, and most spin-offs in general, was the fact that the entire premise was based around constructing stories and conflicts using the spare parts of a stronger, pre-established property.
In example, let’s take a look at some members of the West Coast roster:
Hawkeye is alright, seeing as he was a former Avenger and he founded the West Coast team.
Basically, he has no super powers, but he’s a good archer, and oh yeah, he’s a dick, so he gets Ice Man points.
Mockingbird is Hawkeyes’ equally powerless woman.
They fucked, she died, end of story.
Azn Badger likes him some Sexy Spider-Woman…
With all of that out of the way, I think you can understand when I say that Avengers West Coast was a mediocre team that was involved in mediocre storylines, fighting mediocre villains I.E. The Grim Reaper.
And guess what?
Today we’re gonna’ be taking a look at an issue from one of those crappy stories, so fasten your seat belts boys and girls, it’s gonna’ be a hot time in the old town tonight!
Turns out, these Ren fair patrons are in fact the real deal, and as it so happens one of them is choking on some poisoned wine, like you do; served to him by the deadly and beautiful…
According to my 30 seconds of Google research,
was the daughter of a Valencian noble, who would often marry her off to men, only to have those men meet grisly ends.
That’s the historical version, in this comic she’s just a bitch with a funny hat.
Anyway, after witnessing the wine poisoning, U.S. Agent storms in, bein’ all like, “The white woman done it! I seen it!”
This of course, leads to Agent having to put the hurt on some Carnies.
Or at least trying to.
After a few more panels of Agent beat-down,
saunters up and force feeds him some of her patented poison wine.
Cue full-page acid trip:
After that artistically confusing unpleasantness, U.S. Agent awakens in a hospital, delusional and in a state of shock.
I’m sure waking up to this had nothing to do with that:
As is typical of her, un-sexy Spider-Woman has some incredibly deep and thoughtful insights to provide
As U.S. Agent gets his bearings, the rest of the Avengers West Coast proceed to spew exposition back and forth amongst one another.
From these exchanges we learn that U.S. Agent got his ass pwned in the previous issue by a nefarious team of villains called the “Lethal Legion.”
Of course, U.S. Agent, being the meathead that he is, decides to throw a hissy fit and begins to argue with Hawkeye.
The Hangman that Agent mentioned above is the ringleader of the Lethal Legion, a third-rate villain that serves as a virtually unbeatable antagonist to our team of super goobers.
After a solid 2 pages of bitching and moaning, and a Cap’n Crunch ad, our story finally picks up again.
But not before serving us with another ad:
Following this, our heroes decide to split-up in their search for the Hangman.
Un-sexy Spider-Woman and War Machine set out to investigate a Stella Houston’s beach house, presumably so un-sexy Spider-Woman can find a way to sexify herself.
Upon entering the residence of the Hangman’s former flame, our heroes are greeted by this crazy bitch:
Seriously, that’s her name.
Anyway, uh, Ms. Violence tears into our heroes like they were, well, like they were a bunch of mediocre superheroes.
As it turns out, Axe of Violence’s axe is laced with magic which, based on War Machine’s cry of “ARRRRRRRRRR”, seems to be bad news for the Avengers West Coast.
With War Machine proving to be less than helpful, and Axe of Violence proving to be an expert in pun crafting and axe fighting, un-sexy Spider-Woman decides join in the fight by literally hurling herself into the fray.
During the confusion that follows, Ms. Violence makes mention of someone named Satannish, a demon who is apparently the true force behind the Hangman and the Lethal Legion.
As War Machine and un-sexy Spider-Woman back Axe of Violence into a corner, she suddenly turns tail and runs off, leaving them a parting gift in the process:
Thankfully, our exceedingly powerful and skillful Avengers West Coast manage to…
Jesus fuck, The Avengers West Coast suck-ass…
You see, that’s the fuckin’ problem with these guys!
Someone throws A FUCKING AXE and you don’t even so much as TRY to get out of the way!?
ARRRRRRGH!!! They should call these pansies the fuckin’ Avengers Triple-A…
ANYWAY, mental giant that she is, un-sexy Spider-Woman proceeds to diagnose her MAGICAL AXE WOUND as being “not deep” and therefore, not a cause for concern.
With Axe of Violence gone, War Machine and un-sexy Spider-Woman proceed to discuss the Lizzie Borden nursery rhyme and it’s connection to their recently departed opponent.
You know, superhero stuff.
With that, we head on over to the Hangman’s former residence, where Hawkeye and the Scarlet Witch are poking around for clues.
Unfortunately, that crazy bitch,
Although I must say, she must’ve spent the past couple of days gettin’ Smurf STDs, ’cause she’s lookin’ a little, well, blue.
Fortunately, she made the mistake of trying to ambush the Scarlet Witch AKA THE MOST BROKEN-ASS CHARACTER IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.
You see, the Scarlet Witch’s powers involve probability manipulation, which in comic book terms, translates to BEING ABLE TO DO ANY FUCKING THING SHE WANTS.
In this case however, the writer was kind enough to tone down her powers so as to make her opponent seem to be a credible threat.
Trust me, you don’t wanna’ see what kind of stupid shit happens when the writers go nuts with the Scarlet Witch’s powers *cough!* House of M *cough!*
With Hawkeye’s help, (Haha! Yeah, sure…) the Scarlet Witch manages to subdue the Smurfette, however, before they can question her, the Hangman decides to crash the party by snagging Hawkeye with his noose.
Not only that, but he takes the time to show the Scarlet Witch who wears the motherfuckin’ daddy pants.
With that, Hangman makes his way out the nearby window, an action that Hawkeye’s neck definitely would not appreciate.
*Ahem!* Cue Scarlet Witch and her broken-ass powers, as well as an insane amount of thought bubble text:
Scarlet Witch does indeed manage to literally save Hawkeye’s neck just before it’s snapped in half, whereupon our heroes proceed to ponder over
I wonder, do these guys ever get tired of being boring and inept?
We then find ourselves back at the hospital, where Hawkeye’s wife, Mockingbird, is checking in on U.S. Agent.
She tries to tell Agent that she’s going to quit the Avengers West Coast in favor of starting a family.
Unfortunately he’s busy downing a protein shake, getting an outlandish tattoo, and hating his father, so her words fail to reach his ‘roided out ears.
Oh yeah, that and some robot fucker named Coldsteel decides to show up.
Well, U.S. Agent and Coldsteel proceed to throw down while Mockingbird hangs back and pretends to be useful.
Yeah, she’s just as worthless as her husband.
During the battle, U.S. Agent comes to the conclusion that Coldsteel and the Lethal Legion are hunting the Avengers West Coast as some sort of competition.
As if to put an exclamation point on his theory, another member of the the Lethal Legion, Zyklon, shows up and proceeds to interfere with Coldsteel’s assault.
During the ensuing chaos, Mockingbird has hallucinations similar to the ones U.S. Agent had earlier, more specifically the ones dealing with Nazi gas victims.
Likewise, Agent appears to have drunk the bong water, again, ’cause he’s seeing things again as well:
So, if we are to believe U.S. Agent’s cracked out visions, Coldsteel is Josef Stalin.
Right, then naturally, that would mean that Zyklon is:
That’s right folks, Mockingbird has a vision of Zyklon actually being Heinrich Himmler.
Before things can get awkward though, Zyklon/Himmler takes Mockingbird hostage, apparently just to piss off Coldsteel/Stalin.
Fortunately, Coldsteel still has U.S. Agent to beat on, so he does just that.
Before things can get out of hand though, War Machine decides to show up and… well, you’ll see.
After the dust has settled, the rest of the Avengers West Coast meet up at the hospital.
A shit ton of bitching and arguing follows soon after, with Hawkeye being all pissy on account of his wife getting snatched, and U.S. Agent being all down on himself ’cause he’s finally coming down from his caffeine high.
The fact that the double-size, issue #100 was just on the horizon as this comic was being written, seems to serve as the only explanation as to why the deus ex machina book didn’t come into play earlier in the story.
Anyway, the Scarlet With reads from the book, and un-sexy Spider-Woman once again has some brilliant commentary to offer:
Despite un-sexy Spider-Woman’s doubts as to the deus ex machina book’s capabilities, Satannish is kind enough to promptly show himself, thusly rendering her objections pointless, and yes, un-sexy.
Satannish proceeds to gloat from his twin mouths, calling the Avengers West Coast mean things like “weak”, “dumb”, and “un-sexy.”
When confronted on his motives for kidnapping Mockingbird, Satannish responds with something the lines of :
“‘Cause I’m all ’bout dah’ bitches!”
Anyway, the issue draws to an end as our heroes stand around with their thumbs up their butts, only to have the great lord of the underworld himself, Mephisto, show up and offer his aid in battling Satannish.
Well, that was Avengers West Coast #99.
They’re muddled, confusing, and more often than not their plots center around watching the heroes get their asses kicked until God himself descends from the heavens and grants them a sudden, and often, unwarranted, victory.
Goodnight ladies and gentleman, I am officially off writing until…. sometime tomorrow morning.
Let’s have one more picture of Sexy Spider-Woman before we say goodnight, shall we?