Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

I Hate The Blue Whale.

HATE.

I hate The Blue Whale.

I hate his smugness.

I hate his  perpetual goofy-ass grin.

SOOOOO MUCH HATE...

But most of all, I hate that he’s a fat-gluttonous-fuck and everyone loves him anyway.

I refer to Blue Whales as “him” because I find it anthropomorphizes and individualizes them, thusly making “him” easier for me to hate.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE.

When I was little, Zoobooks were my life.

Every month we would get a new issue in the mail, and every month I would devour every page of them.

Mind you, these were the cool Zoobooks, the stoic and dignified Zoobooks, not the stupid rebranded ones.

Now tell me, which one is easier to take seriously? Yes, I am aware that one is in Spanish.

One of these issues was titled “Animal Champions II,” within which were a host of factoids about world-record holding species of animals.

This issue taught me that The Blue Whale was essentially the Mr. Perfect of the animal kingdom.

The Blue Whale, personified.

“Animal Champions II” taught me that The Blue Whale was the world’s largest, most massive, strongest, and most gluttonous animal.

You see!? He even holds the record for being "Most Harpoon Resistant." WTF, man, WTF...

Basically, this issue, as well as the “Whales” issue, seemingly existed solely to suck The Blue Whale’s cock.

Oh yeah, I’m pretty sure The Blue Whale’s cock also holds at least 3 world record’s too.

In example of Zoobook’s cock-sucking, here’s a two-page spread from the “Whales” issue praising the majesty of The Blue Whale:

Not good enough for you?

Well guess what, here’s another, this time from “Animal Champions II”:

Type “Blue Whale” into Google Images and the first page of your results will be littered with cock-sucking diagrams like the ones above.

My problem with The Blue Whale stems from the fact that he stands atop the world in terms of achievement, and yet he has done nothing to earn it.

Well, other than being a fat fuck that eats too much.

What happened to you Ice Man? You used to be cool... Well, not really. But, still...

Did you know that The Blue Whale subsists by eating plankton, a lifeform that it is approximately 100 million times larger than, thusly setting a world record for greatest disparity in size between hunter and prey?

GAAHH!!!  You see!?  Do you see the bullshit that fuckin’ Zoobooks fed me as a child!?

The Blue Whale’s list of achievements is simply far too long.  No creature should get as much hype as The Blue Whale does.

All my life, I’ve been told that The Blue Whale was the man, that he had the mic skills of The Rock, the technical wrestling of Bret Hart, and the high flying perfection of Hayabusa.

If this were true, I probably wouldn't hate The Blue Whale. I would love him THIIIIIIIIS much.

You know what the problem with all this is?

I don’t give a shit!

You can tell me he’s the man, you can prove to me that he’s the man, but if I don’t like him, guess what?

From my standpoint, HE’S NOT THE FUCKING MAN.

Nothing will ever change the fact that The Blue Whale probably holds a world record for holding the most world records, but the point is:  he stinks, and I don’t like him.

This has been a special report from the Azn Badger, being bitter on his birfday.

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2 Responses

  1. SAVE THE SEA-LIFE FUND says:

    I HATE
    YYYYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    THE BLUE WHALE IS A MAGNIFICENT CREATURE, THE BIGGEST MOST STRONGEST ANIMAL IN THE WORLD FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.
    THERE ARE ONLY 10,000 LEFT IN THE WORLD, WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM WHILE WE STILL CAN!

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