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What About the Lysine Contingency…?

MASSIVE Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend, Part II

Welcome back to the Ultra Summary of “Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!”

Yesterday we covered the film’s opening act, wherein the evil Ultraman Belial wrecked the Ultra Homeworld of the M-78 Nebula and set out on his way to summon an army of 100 giant monsters!

Read on to find out what happens next!

Our story resumes as we are whisked away to planet Dent, an Earth-like planet that Rei and the ZAP crew are currently assigned to explore.

It’s interesting to note that the folks at Tsuburuya managed to slip in a bit of fanservice here in form of giving that dick eater Musashi Haruno (from Ultraman Cosmos) a brief cameo.

Only God knows how many cocks have graced those lips...

Not 2 minutes after the ZAP crew touch down, a giant monster, Zaragas, shows up and tries to kill them.

"GET, IN, MAH' BELLAY!!!!!!!!"

Such is the life of a human in the Ultra universe.

The ZAP crew pull out their HANDGUNS and start plugging away at the 200 ft. tall Zaragas, only to find that it’s not very effective…

Fortunately, Rei, Pokemon master that he is, just happens to have just the Fighting Pokémon needed to carry the day.

"He's goin' for the Thai clinch!"

After a few Tail Whips and Quick Attacks, Rei orders Gomora to use Horn Drill, which, unbelievably, actually lands for a change and causes Zaragas to faint in one hit.

In truth, the wild Zaragas finds this particular form of penetration to be pleasurable rather than painful.

Following this, we are almost treated to some dialogue between the ZAP crew members, but just before they can open their mouths, Moebius drops in and… takes off into space with Rei in his hand.

The scene that follows is, in short, the plot.

Everything you need to know, every little bit of exposition you will ever need to understand just what’s going on in the movie, is covered in this one scene as Hibino Mirai/Ultraman Moebius talks at Rei.

Man, this guy's hair just gets more and more epic every time I see him...

Apparently Anakin, I mean Belial, was a young Ultraman way back when that broke the Ultra law and touched the Ultra Spark, sampling it’s power.

Cocaines' a hell of a drug...

Touching the Ultra Spark proves to be too much for young Belial, as it drives him nuts and gives him an insatiable lust for power, kind of like ‘roids.

With that, the Ultra brothers banish Belial and leave him out in deep space, where he becomes possessed by the power of an alien named Reiblood.

That'd be a helluva' thing to walk in on.

With his new powers in tow, as well as his Giga Battle Nizer, which gives him the power to control 100 monsters, Belial wages war on the Ultra homeworld.

Things go pretty much as they did earlier in the movie, except this time around, Mr. Deus Ex Machina himself, Ultraman King shows up.

Then one day, the great Burger King descended from the heavens, and all was good.

Long story shot, Belial gets thrown into the Rubik’s Cube/Phantom Zone and is never seen again… until 5 minutes into this movie.

Moebius explains to Rei that the alien that possessed Belial, Reiblood, just happens to be of the same race as Rei himself.

Through logic unknown to me, Moebius comes to the conclusion that Rei will be a key factor in winning the battle against Belial.

Meanwhile, Belial takes up residence at the Monster Graveyard, using the combined powers of the Ultra Spark and his Giga Battle Nizer to revive his army of 100 monsters.

Whoops. Somebody done overfed their gold fish...

Belial will spend the next half hour or so of the movie roasting marshmallows with his monster buddies.

Seriously, after freeing himself from imprisonment with a shit ton of gusto and brew-ha-ha, Belial spends a third of the movie doing jack shit.

Oh well, he might not do anything, but he at least sends some of his buddies to take out Moebius and Rei who’ve now decided to go back to the Ultra homeworld to snag the last bit of light that Taro managed to salvage.

Dorako, Bemustar and Salamandora get the jump on our heroes, then curiously decide to stand around and do nothing with the opportunity.

So... You guys just gonna' stand there, or what?

Fortunately, Belial saw fit to send Alien Shaplay to act as their wrangler.

And Shaplay done brought his gat’. That’s right, he been tuh’ prison.

That's right, Tec-9 in space. Fuckin' Gangsta'...

One of the most absurdly acrobatic shoot-outs in cinema history follows, complete with over-the-top tactical rolls and homages to Equilibrium’sGun Kata.

Yes, I own Equilibrium. And no, I don’t think it’s the best movie ever.

Moving on, Rei elects to let Mirai take on Shaplay all by his lonesome, reasoning that he will use the opportunity to take on the 3 giant monsters hanging out just over the hill by summoning Gomora.

Unfortunately, Rei slips and drops his Poké Balls, I mean Battle Nizer, into a crevice.

I hella' thought for sure he was gonna' Force Pull it to himself. No fooling.

At the same time, Alien Shaplay barfs gunk all over Mirai’s transformation device, the Moebius Brace, thereby restricting him to his human form.

Fortunately, Ultraseven’s capsule monsters, Windam, Mikuras and Agira show up to save everyone from the monsters that were in no way posing a threat.

"This is a real slobber-knocker!"

As the melee unfolds, Ultraman and Ultraseven, in human form, show up to aid our heroes in their respective crises.

In short, Dan Moroboshi helps Rei retrieve his Battle Nizer, and Shin Hayata uses an assault rifle(?) to put a few rounds in Shaplay, causing him to be buried by an avalanche.

What follows is one of the hokiest zoom-in reveals I can recall in recent history.

Ultraman gets HARDCORE.

With the monsters defeated for the moment, our band of heroes settle down for a Ultra Pow-Wow to discuss a plan to take on Belial.

Seeing as Ultramen aren’t exactly known across the universe as “planners” so much as “fighters,” their plan boils down to getting their powers back and recruiting Ultraseven’s conveniently over-powered son so they can get their lunch box back from Belial or some shit.

I don’t know; I wasn’t paying attention. 2 dialogue scenes in 45 minutes of fighting has a way of A.D.D-ing the fuck out of you.

It's a good thing that hood is blocking his view. That boys' eyeing him something fierce.

Also convenient however, is the fact that Ultraseven’s son is off on a faraway planet training with Ultraman Leo and his brother Astra.

Well, he isn’t exactly training so much as he’s going through a sort of initiation.

You see, he just happened to try and touch the Ultra Crack Rock, I mean Ultra Spark, just like Belial did.

Fortunately he was stopped just in time by Ace and Jack, who promptly sent him off to Ultra Rehab.

"Someone touched my ass!"

Anyway, in the present, we are shown clips of Ultraseven’s son sparring with Leo while Ultraman King looks on from above.

Seven’s son is, once again, conveniently clothed from the waist up in a suit of armor designed to encumber him so as to train his muscles or some shit, really though it’s just a clever way to mask his form until the final reel.

May I remind you, that these guys are supposed to be made of fucking LIGHT.

Well, because Rei didn’t get to use his Pokémon in that last battle, Shaplay, somehow freed from the avalanche, pops up again and throws out his strongest monster yet, Black King!

What follows is a brief skirmish, wherein Gomora pwns the shit out of ‘ole Black King.

My guess is that the “Black” in Black King’s name refers to him being a Dark type Pokémon, ’cause Gomora’s Fighting moves were super effective…

Anyway, Shaplay follows our heroes into the chamber housing Taro’s frozen body, then promptly proceeds to engage in another bullet ballet with them.

...which he promptly loses.

With Shaplay and Black King defeated, our heroes approach Taro’s frozen body, and retrieve the power they need to transform and combat Belial.

Mass nodding and transformation sequences follow shortly thereafter.

HENSHIIIIIIIIIN!!!!!!

With that, our heroes take off to face Belial for the final showdown.

Hang on, what now?

We’ve just hit the 50 minute mark, and our heroes are already on their way to the final battle?

Where they fuck did they hide the middle of the movie!?

*Sigh* Oh well, moving on…

Remember when I told you Belial spent a good third of the movie with his thumb up his butt?

Well, we’re now almost an hour into the movie and he’s still just sitting around marveling at the majesty of his pimp cane.

Dumb shit...

It’s not long however, before our heroes crash the party at the Space Graveyard and get ready to raise hell.

But not before Belial and Rei engage in the obligatory “Join the Dark Side” conversation.

Belial somehow reasons that, Rei should join him because they are of the same race.

Rei declares such words untrue, and therefore impossible, then summons Gomora and this faggety-ass CGI bird thing called Ritora.

In response, Belial uses his pimp cane to call out all 100 of his huge-ass bitches at once.

Goddamn 'dat be a lot ah' bitches...

What follows is perhaps the Ultra brawl to end all Ultra brawls.

The fight is energetic, colorful and well-shot, with virtually every one of the 100 monsters represented to some degree, however if ever there was a case to argue that 100 monsters is just too many for one movie, this would be it.

Black Joe layin' the smack down on Ultraseven.

Seriously, as awesome as this fight is, it goes on all the way to the end of the movie.

And remember, we’re barely an hour in.

Wow, that climax sure popped up early! Tune in tomorrow for Part III!

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