Snow Bros. was my favorite videogame as a kid.
Every week or so, my mom would take my brother out to rent an NES game from a little mom and pop rental store near our local grocery, Art’s Grocery.
Rentals at this store were one day only, so you had to be sure you would enjoy whatever it was you rented.
Well, you can bet I was satisfied by my selection every time, ’cause I must’ve rented Snow Bros. like 50 times.
Snow Bros. was a simple yet enjoyable game that shared more than a few simalarities with Bubble Bobble.
I know Bubble Bobble is way older, but c'mon, Snow Bros. kicks it's ass.
The story goes like this:
Nick and Tom are two dudes that are trying to put the moves on these twin princesses, then some evil sorceror shows up and jacks their bitches, but not before turning good ‘ole Nick and Tom into snowmen.
Apparently turning dudes into snowmen is supposed to diminish their ability to rescue princesses.
Fortunately, that logic is bullshit, and our evil sorceror ends up seriously dropping the ball, ’cause snowmen or not; Nick and Tom are BAD DUDES, and they have what it takes to save the president.
If you never got to see this screen, then you aren't truly a BAD DUDE.
The basic gameplay of Snow Bros. has the two players, cast as Nick and Tom; being dropped into a series of single-screen arenas populated with monsters that they have to defeat in order to advance.
Sounds like pretty standard arcade game fare, doesn’t it?
That’s because it is, smart ass.
The fun part of Snow Bros., was in specifically “how” the player went about defeating monsters.
Although nobody kills monsters like Rick from Splatterhouse. NOBODY.
The Snow Bros. of the games’ title each possess the ability to throw snowballs, manufactured from their own bodies no less; that they can use to pile up on their enemies, thusly encasing them in giant, roll-able snowballs.
Good God this movie was terrifying...
Being as most of the stages are set up as a series of cascading platforms, it only makes sense that the Snow Bros. method of killing monsters consists of taking said roll-able snowballs, and sending them careening into other monsters.
Upon steamrolling monsters with a snowball, the resulting pile of monster corpses transform into food products (snowmen are gluttons) or colored medicine bottles, each of which provide the players with a number of different power-ups.
One caused the snowmen’s feet to develop restless leg syndrome.
I believe the medical term is "The Jimmy legs."
One made the snowmen’s balls bigger.
Right Guy: "I WIN."
One made the snowmen’s balls shoot farther.
Yikes, better get that thing checked out, man. Oh wait, you found a little boy to take care of that for you.
And my personal favorite, the ultra-rare teal medicine, made the snowmen’s head inflate like a balloon, causing anything they touch to die instantly.
"ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE THE GREAT AND MIGHTY PENIS OF INSTANT DEATH!"
Snow Bros. was a wonderful game, that while a little too easy, and definitely repetitive, was easily my favorite videogame as a child.
My brother used to make fun of the title screen, calling Nick and Tom “fatties,” and of course pointing out that I was the fat and dumb snowman.
Mental giants they are not.
Which one he was referring to, I will never know, but I think it’s pretty safe to assume that it was the red one, seeing as my brother was ALWAYS player one.
The whole game could be beaten inside of a half hour, and though I beat the game numerous times with and without my brother, for some reason I spent most of my life thinking I never really beat the game.
Omega Tom Hanks: UN-FUCKING-BEATABLE.
You see, the final boss of Snow Bros. isn’t the evil sorceror whose portrait is featured in so many of the between level cut scenes, but rather a pair of statues that have zero personality, and are not so much as mentioned in the game’s (limited) narrative.
How the fuck do you go from this, to THIS!?
As a kid, I was so underwhelmed by the final battle in Snow Bros. that I outright denied it’s status as such.
It wasn’t until I replayed the game years later that I finally admitted myself that I had thoroughly beat Snow Bros.’ ass.
“Holy shit, that’s really the end?” I said to myself.
I found myself saying the same thing about 3-4 times during this movie. Was none too happy about it.
Other than the bullshit final battle, Snow Bros. was great.
I loved the little things, like how the snowmen would “Superman” their way out of each stage, and how an evil pumpkin headed ghost would drop down from the heavens and kill you if you played too slow.
This punk scared the piss outta' me.
I loved the enemy designs, especially the fuzzy purple dudes that did pirouettes until they turned into heat-seeking tornadoes of rape-age.
Some of the bosses were pretty memorable too, with one of my favorites being the twin naked chickens that you fight in the freezer.
Thought I was kiddin', didn'cha?
The music was also spot-on, with a stage 1 theme that I catch myself humming to this day.
It’s kind of funny actually, my mom still remembers the stage 1 theme of Snow Bros., in fact she still teases me about it whenever she overhears me talking about videogames.
She always reminds me of the days when I would wake her and my dad up at obscene hours of the morning, humming along with my Snow Bros.
Pretty sure we had one of these posted in front of my house.
I am well aware that Snow Bros. is a Capcom port derived from a Toaplan series of arcade games.
You can thank Toaplan for giving you this, you fucking dork.
I’ve pumped quarters into both arcade machines because of my fondness of the NES version, however I found both to be graphically superior, but otherwise quarter-munching games that lack the charm and nostalgia factor of the console version.
Also, the music quality was tinny and crappy.
While the second game gets points for it’s expanded cast, and overt Japanese-ness, for my money the NES version is the best of the bunch.
Snow Bros 2 with New Elves: The Creepiest Fucking Player Select Screen EVER.
Anyway, I’ve always felt that Snow Bros. was lacking in terms of fan support, so I figured I would take the time to write a little something showing my appreciation for it.
God bless you Snow Bros., I still can’t believe I never owned you.
Filed under: Games, Uncategorized, 2, Bad Dudes, Blueberry girl, Capcom, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Jimm Legs, Lord of the Rings, Magic the Gathering, NES, Nick and Tom, Nintendo, Prince, Return of the King, Seinfeld, Snow Bros., Splatterhouse, Super NES, Toaplan, Tom Hanks, Willy Wonka, Zero Wing