Azn Badger's Blog

What About the Lysine Contingency…?

A Nightmare On Elm Street Death Reel

Should’ve figured Freddy’s death reel would end up almost 3 minutes shorter than Jason’s.

I suppose it doesn’t help that the Nightmare on Elm Street series has 3 fewer movies (including the reboots) than Friday the 13th.

Oh well, that doesn’t stop me from liking the Nightmare movies more overall.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s tons of fun watching a hockey mask-ed juggernaut tear his way through non-descript teenage delinquents, but I’ve always found the Nightmare movies’ special effects and more thoughtful structure to be more in line with my slasher movie sensibilities.

As is the case with virtually anything, quality counts more than quantity.

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Friday The 13th Death Reel

If I remember correctly, the old formula for the pacing of the Friday 13th films was that every 10 minutes:

1.  Someone had to die.

or

2. ┬áSomeone had to flash their boobs… and then die.

I’m not sure how much truth there is to this, as I’ve never sat down and actually timed it, but I’m inclined to believe it’s at least somewhat true.

Especially in the case of Jason X.

If anything, Jason X could be viewed as the overachiever of the series, as I seem to recall a few sequences in there where multiple character were killed off over the course of only a few minutes.

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Sean Bean Death Reel

Despite dying in practically every movie he’s ever been in, it needs to be said that Sean Bean/Seen Been/Shawn Bahn knows how to go with style.

Seriously man, most actors would kill to have 1 death in their careers as epic as any one of Sean Bean’s 21 (and counting).

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And Now, Liam Neeson Dancing Around Like A Freak.

I’d buy that for a dollar…

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And Now, Billy Zane Acting The Fool.

I miss Tales From the Crypt….

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Yesterday’s Snow

We got a little bit of snow yesterday in Seattle, so me being me, I decided to film it.

At some point in the day, my mom asked me to go out and rent Moneyball for her.

While I’ve heard the movie is quite good, and well worth seeing, I’m guessing the snow was more responsible than anything for putting her in the mood to see it, as she’s one of those “can’t drive in the snow worth a damn” types.

So am I.

That being said, the video above documents my brief little adventure in the disappointingly slushy snow yesterday.

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“The Temptress Of Wai-KI-KI!!!”

Can’t say I’ve ever heard “Waikiki” pronounced with such inaccuracy and gusto all at once.

God I love Raul Julia.

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“You Are MR. DEBBIE!!!”

Unfortunate quality, but really, it’s the content that counts.

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“Are They Made From Real Girl Scouts?”

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The Ending Of Poltergeist 2: Out Of Context

Do you remember Poltergeist 2?

I do, but mostly just because it’s the only movie I know that has a listing in it’s credits for a role known as the “Vomit Creature.”

Pictured: Craig T. Nelson's son. The one he doesn't talk about....

That scene, and that scene alone, puts Poltergeist 2 on my “good” list.

Well, for the most part anyway…

I’ve heard it doesn’t have the best reputation among fans of the original, but in my eyes I view it as a (mostly) worthy successor.

At least until the bizarre and painfully rushed climax sequence you see above.

While I’m not exactly what you’d call a fan of the series, the excellent photo chemical effects and puppetry of the Poltergeist movies has always made me regard them as extremely “watchable.”

In many ways, the Poltergeist movies could be classified as horror films, however I’ve always thought of them as little more than particularly intense eye candy films.

Honestly, the plots and characterization in all 3 of them is mostly inconsequential, not to mention copied and pasted from film to film, so at the end of the day it’s the atmosphere and the constant stream of visual gags that make up the majority of the experience.

For people such as myself that are more fascinated by horrific makeup effects and special effects sequences than, well, horrified by them; the Poltergeist movies are almost entirely devoid of scares, but packed to the brim with awesome sights and sounds.

A not so awesome sight: Tom Skerrit and Nancy Allen's crappy 80's hair.

This fact is no more evident in the Poltergeist movies than in the 2nd film, as the plot is probably the weakest in the series overall, not to mention during it’s conclusion, the storytelling takes a MAJOR turn for the ludicrous.

We’re talkin’ magical grandma ludicrous.

At the very end, all subtlety, tact, and reason are thrown out the window and into oncoming traffic in favor special effects of a goofy ass H.R. Giger manufactured special effects spectacle.

No foolin’, that creepy looking ghost with faces on it (that looks more than a little like a log of shit) really was designed by H.R. Giger.

From what I remember seeing in a documentary about the Poltergeist films, and how they have a habit of killing the people who work on them, this visually impressive, but borderline silly climax sequence was likely thrown together due to the fact that the actor who played the villain, Julian Beck; actually passed away before completing his role.

As a result, some of his lines were dubbed, and I’m guessing the monster puppet version of the character was inserted into to the climax scene to fill in for him.

While it’s not really visible in the puppet’s earlier scenes, f you look close, there’s at least one shot of a face on the creature’s torso that is clearly modeled after Beck.

Despite the fact that the goofiness of the ending sequence may have come as a result of an actor’s death or a troubled production, the fact remains that it’s horrendously rushed, sloppily anticlimactic, and embarrassingly melodramatic, in that order.

Seriously man, you could probably count on one hand the number of minutes that pass between the time when the family enters and exits the cave.

That being said, as I ruminated on it, it occurred to me that, not only is the ending of Poltergeist 2 fucking absurd, what with Craig T. Nelson’s random shining spear of Holy justice, as well as “deus ex machina grandma” saving the day, it’s also downright impossible to understand without the proper context.

If anyone here is seeing this clip for the first time, please, write a comment to let the rest of us know what you thought of it.

On that note, I’ll leave you all with a clip of the legendary “Vomit Creature” scene as performed by some guy (that was probably a little person) named Noble Craig:

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