Indeed, with every entry on this list we’ve explored a number of different forms of MANLINESS, and today will be no exception.
Today, as we name the 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in movie history, we enter the 7th circle of MAN-DOM:
Make no mistake, Con Air is a horribly disjointed mess of a movie.
Despite having an all-star cast, Con Air isn’t action-y enough to be an action movie, nor prison-y enough to be a prison movie; resulting in a film that has no fuckin’ clue what it wants to do with itself.
In falling flat on it’s face trying to embody the genres listed above, Con Air falls back on what many Jerry Bruckheimer financed blockbusters attempt to do, namely be “funny.”
Normally this would be acceptable, (and if Michael Bay’s in charge, very likely racist) however in this case most of the funny lines are delivered by DEATH ROW INMATES, making the humor just a little bit morally questionable.
Haha! Serial killers are HILARIOUS!
Despite all of Con Air’s failings, to it’s credit; it remains a very watchable piece of mid-90′s garbage.
One thing the movie did doright though, was give us the awesomeness that is Nic Cage’s Cameron Poe.
Cameron Poe, feeeeeeeels so good....
A quiet Southern gentleman who just happens to be an Army Ranger, Cameron Poe also happens to be mullet-ed and blue jean-ed DEATH on 2 legs.
Case in point, Poe is known to be SO FUCKING SAVAGE that in defending his PREGNANT WIFE against 3 drunken yahoos, 1 of whom is armed with a knife; Poe ends up getting sent to prison for manslaughter.
Seriously man, the guy is SO FUCKING SAVAGE that in killing an armed man in self-defense, he gets sent to prison for 8 years on the grounds that he “should’ve known better,” being as he’s a FUCKING KILLING MACHINE.
Anyway, despite Poe’s infinite awesomeness, Con Air as a movie doesn’t exactly afford him all that many opportunities to be badass.
There’s that one time he rescues a stuffed bunny through “presenting rearward” to a more than a little surprised Nick Chinlund while over-the-top rock music blared in the background:
Somebody just lost their cherry. Not sure who...
Then there was that one time he Chuck Norris-ed the shit out of some Mexicans to the sounds of over-the-top rock music:
The MANLIEST of MANLY maneuvers: The Roundhouse Kick!
And I guess there was that one time he prevented the rape of that one lady from Total Recall by beating the shit out of “The Man Who Always Dies In Movies,”Danny Trejo; also set to over-the-top rock music:
In other words, Cameron Poe; as awesome as he is, seems dependent on the presence of over-the-top stylings of Trevor Rabin’s orchestral synth-rock music in order to get his swagger on and kill the fuck out of, well; apparently mostly just Mexicans.
Cameron Poe’s not racist, there just happen to be a lot of Hispanic bad guys that wander into his path in Con Air.
At least I hope that’s the case…
Thankfully, Cameron Poe’s MANLIEST of MAN moments, and our 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in all of movies; involves no violence directed at Hispanics, but rather plain ‘ole white guys, which of course makes it all the more PC!:
So here’s the basic setup:
An impeccably dressed John Cusack and that one Irish guy from Star Trek have finally caught up to the Jail Bird, the plane carrying all of the escaped convicts AKA the bad guys.
Chasing after the plane in pair of attack helicopters, the Irish guy orders his pilot to shoot it down; while John Cusack’s Vince Larkin does what he can to protect the government’s property I.E. both the plane and CAMERON FUCKING POE by screaming “CEASE FIRE!” into the ear of the pilot in the front seat.
Dial it down Cusack! The check cleared...
Long story short, some shots are fired, but not enough to knock the plane out of the sky.
During all of this however, Nic Cage’s Cameron Poe is in the process of HULKING OUT over his diabetic friend Baby-O, played by Bubba from Forrest Gump; having just been shot in the gut by John Malkovich’s unitentionally hilarious Cyrus the Virus.
Nearly brought to MANLY tears at the sight of his friends lying on the ground dieing and rapidly losing his faith, Poe does what any self-respecting MAN would do and casually DECLARES HIMSELFGOD and sets out on his way to kill a bunch of people:
Thus begins the awesomeness of MANLY moment #7.
Standing up from tending to his fallen friend, The Poe’s trademark over-the-top rock music starts blaring, and shit gets real, really fuckin’ fast!
Stomping down the aisle of the Jail Bird on a bee line for the cockpit, Poe throws on his MANLIEST of MAN-FACES and ascends to his ULTIMATE level of MAN-SAVAGERY:
Despite the massive aura of MANLINESS radiating from him during all of this, a couple of the bad guys foolishly step up to challenge The Poe-Dozer.
First up is a big-ass blonde, shirtless douchbag with a broken bottle that uses what little time he has left on this Earth to shout a retarded and borderline incoherent threat at The Poe-Dozer:
Just 'cause you've only got a tenth second to issue a threat, doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
As one might expect, size advantage or not; going toe-to-toe with The Poe when he’s in full-on Poe-Dozer Mode get’s this poor shmuck beat to shit something fierce.
Quick as you can say “1, 2, 3″ The Poe-Dozer brings it’s blade to bear and claims it’s first victim:
Wham, bam, thank you ma'am...
Not skipping a beat, The Poe-Dozer continues his march of MANLINESS, letting out an obscenely MANLY “HUUOOOAAAH!!!!!” as he steps over the fallen blonde douchebag.
Unfortunately, another bad guy pops up in The Poe’s way; this time armed with a handgun.
Having seen his partner utterly steamrolled by the fury of The Poe-Dozer, the baddie wastes no time lifting his pistol and opening fire.
Bad Guy used Bullet Seed! It's not very effective...
Unbeknownst to this particular bad guy though, The Poe-Dozer is immune to gunfire, thusly causing the otherwise debilitating injury of a bullet to the bicep to seem like little more than a minor annoyance.
… A minor annoyance that serves to ANGER the already POSITIVELYFUMING Poe-Dozer.
That being said, it should come as no surprise, least of all to the bad guy standing before him; that The Poe-Dozer goes to town on this sad sack of fuck with a motherfuckin’ vengeance.
… But not before we cut to a shot of the guy having a moment as he reflects on the error of his ways:
Utterly frozen in disbelief at the sight of The Poe-Dozer’sunflinching reaction to the gunshot wound, the convict finds himself unable to pull the trigger a second time.
His fate sealed, the bad guy quickly succumbs to the unrelenting fury of The Poe-Dozer; falling by the wayside after 3 consecutive straight right hands to the jaw.
... And here comes #3.
At this point the music has already begun to calm down, thereby stripping The Poe-Dozer of his inhuman strength and vengeance fueled MAN-RAGE.
Fortunately, the previous 2 bad guys made up the bulk of The Poe’s resistance in reaching the cockpit, with the last obstacle remaining in his way (besides the fucking door) being the effeminate cross-dressing convict, “Sally Can’t Dance.”
Behold, the dreaded final boss of the "March to the Cockpit" stage in Con Air: The Videogame!
Reverting from his uber-violent Poe-Dozer Mode to the more socially acceptable Southern Gentleman Mode, The Poe sees fit to dispatch “Sally Can’t Dance” in a manner that is fitting, namely that of laying the smack down with an open palm:
Huh, ‘guess I lied about the “no violence towards Hispanics” in this scene.
Oh well.
Technically there’s more to it, but in my eyes this moment marks the conclusion of the 7th MANLIEST MAN moment in movies.
Check back tomorrow for MANLY moment #6 on our list of the Top 10 Manliest Man Moments!
Tonight we celebrated the 83rd edition of the Academy Awards.
Predictably, the English thespian uber-beast that is Colin FIRRRTHHHH managed to walk away with a Best Actor award, while Natalie Portman bagged the Best Actress.
While I haven’t seen The King’s Speech or Black Swan, and thusly can’t speak to the performances of these actors; in keeping with the spirit of the Academy Award festivities this evening, I’ve decided to put together a small list of the top 3 biggest FUCK-UPS the Academy saw fit to hand Best Actor awards to.
The following actors all have one thing in common:
While all may have had some bankability/acting merit at some point in their career, somewhere down the road they saw fit to sell-out and participate in some legendarily horrid films, some of which may or may not contain bear suits and bees.
Anyway, let’s get on with the list:
#3. Anna Pacquin
Yikes! 'Guess I can throw away that theory of her "growing into" that gap...
Anna Pacquin managed to charm her way to a Supporting Actress golden statue for her role in 1993′s, The Piano.
She was 11 years old at the time, making it fairly evident that the Academy staff is likely packed to the brim with pedo-faces.
For those that need a visual aid...
Now, given that Ms. Pacquin was very young when she received her Oscar, you’d expect her experience in the craft would improve as she grew older, right?
WRONG.
Sometime after The Piano, Anna Pacquin would go on to have supporting roles in such classics as, She’s All That, the X-Men series, and even the oh so cleverly titled horror anthology film, Trick ‘r Treat.
Also featuring that fat kid from Bad Santa!
While some might argue that Ms. Pacquin has seemingly found new life in her career with her leading role in the cable series True Blood, I would argue that she’s still very much in crap-town in terms of her bankability.
Case in point, she’s been cast in the upcoming (and largely unwanted) Scream 4, which retains almost none of the cast from the previous films.
While I would argue that the movie itself was actually kind of flat, with Ms. Bullock’s performance doing little to add to it’s mediocrity; the academy saw fit to give her the nod, thusly solidifying her place on this list.
Sandra Bullock had a rather odd journey to the Academy Awards.
Early on she was TV movie tripe like, Bionic Showdown: The Six Million Dollar Man and the Bionic Woman.
Thought I was kiddin', didin'cha'?
Then she started to move up in the world, landing supporting roles in modern classics like Demolition Man, and Speed.
That’s right, MODERN. CLASSICS.
Then she got greedy and started conning her way into starring roles in horse shit like The Net, and Speed 2: Cruise Control.
Pictured: A shitty, and severly dated movie.
Then came the beginning of the new millenium.
Then, came the era of congeniality.
Tens of thousands were killed in the angry riots spawned by the release of the first Miss Congeniality.
Entire nations were felled in the anarchic firestorm brought on by the announcement of the second in the series, Miss Congeniality: Armed and Fabulous.
Given her greedy nature, combined with the relative stagnation of her career since achieving Oscar gold, I would not be surprised if Ms. Bullock had her goons in Hollywood pounding out a script for Miss Congeniality 3: Botoxed and Beautiful, as we speak…
#1: Nicolas Cage
If you're trying to scare me Mr. Cage, you have succeeded...
No list of Hollywood burn-outs could be complete without the inclusion of Nic Cage.
The Cage began his stint in Hollywood from humble beginnings.
Early on, Cage made an impression in Hollywood with his critically acclaimed role as a douche bag in a handful of scenes from Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
The Birth of a Legend...
Said performance would prove to be an acting formula Mr. Cage would draw from in crafting many of his finer roles.
For several years, Nic Cage would pop up in films, largely in background roles; often times stealing the show with his unearthly powers of scenery-chewing and not-giving-a-fuck.
Then came Moonstruck, a film that received enormous critical acclaim; and very likely would’ve netted Mr. Cage an Oscar had Cher not overwhelmed his performance with her massive aura of FAIL and gender neutrality.
WHAT.... IS, IT!!!!!????
Years passed, and Cage, now starting to make waves as the possible “next big thing” in the industry, started churning out half-assed shit like Firebirds, seemingly for the fun of it.
Few realized it at the time, but the man was challenging us to a twisted and bizarre game of his own designs, daring us to take him seriously as an actor one minute, only for him to turn heel and pump out half-assed performances in blockbuster films.
It was a game only he himself could understand, let alone enjoy; and yet for some reason we foolishly kept coming back for more.
As with his acting method founded so long ago on the bleachers of Ridgemont High, Nic Cage; sly son of a bitch that he is, once again found a new devious element to add to his modus operandi…
1995 saw the release of Leaving Las Vegas, the film that would finally give Nic Cage his Best Actor award.
Pictured: Nic Cage's acting coaches.
Despite receiving universal acclaim critics worldwide, Nic Cage would later go on record stating that he had no memory of ever having made a film called “Leaving Las Vegas,” claiming that he spent all of ’95 fighting savage women on one of his privately owned islands while wearing a bear-suit.
Regardless of the truth of this matter, Nic Cage would display great proficiency in bear-suit combat tactics in some of his later films, suggesting he may indeed have had prior experience in said activities…
Following his Oscar success, the Nic Cage floodgates of crappiness and truly not-giving-a-fuck would burst wide open.
Amplifying Nic Cage’s powers of “phoning-it-in” and “not-giving-a-damn” 10 fold, Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay would go on to sink their claws into the enigma that is The Cage; casting him in overblown crap-fest after overblown retarded crap-fest for years to come.
Awe-inspiringly bad, to the point where few could argue that Nic Cage had finally topped himself in terms of simultaneously not-giving-a-shit and intentionally trying to ruin a film; The Wicker Man was the proverbial dick-slap to the face of the Academy that awarded him as Best Actor of 1995.
It was a facepalm for the ages, and one I believe most in Hollywood relive every time Nic Cage’s face pops up on a movie poster.
With potential gems like Drive Angry and Ghost Rider 2still regularly showing up on Mr. Cage’s resume in the foreseeable future, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Academy actually tries to take back that award somewhere down the line…
I had an awesome idea for a card earlier today, but thanks to the sudden emergence of my mandatory overtime day tomorrow; I was forced to hold off on working on the good stuff until the weekend.
Oh well, even though the craftsmanship of the card above is indeed a rush job, and a shitty one at that; in my mind, any Conan is good Conan.
Speaking of which, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t have my hopes up for the new Conan movie this year; but I’ve got my fingers crossed nonetheless.
That seems to be the theme for all of the big blockbuster movies for me this summer.
I’m excited about them, but as of now my biggest hope is that they don’t end up being embarrassingly bad, or worse yet; “I want my money back” bad.
Transformers has a horrendous track record working against it, but it’s Transformers; so I’ll always be willing to give it a shot; common sense be damned.
"Common Sense" and Michael Bay just don't mix...
Green Lantern has good people involved in it’s production, but the art design looks kind of shitty; and Ryan Reynolds isn’t exactly my favorite leading man.
Especially when looks goofy like this.
Thor looks… Y’know what, fuck it. I don’t even wanna’ talk about how Thor looks…
...Although the prospect of seeing Anthony Hopkins in power armor is awfully enticing.
Conan looks to be headed in a good direction, with a harsher aesthetic and what not; however it’s seriously lacking in the Arnold quotient, (which is “zero,” for those that are curious) which will likely be it’s downfall being as the Arnold version is Conan for Conan newbs like myself.
Although the casting of Jason Momoa does wonders to improve the series' Hawaiian quotient, which is always a good thing in my book.
Oh yeah, and Captain America looks alright as of now, but like all of the others listed above; it’s very much a slippery slope.
Pictured: What said slippery slope can lead to when left unchecked.
The chances of a shitty summer movie season are pretty high, though in all honesty; I feel that I’ll probably end up heading to the theater more often than is the norm for me.
Anyway, I got work tomorrow, so I’ll see yah’ later.
Remember how I poked fun at it’s paper-thin plot and absurd action-to-dialogue ratio?
Well, as fate would have it, Mega Monster Battle just got a theatrical sequel, and near as I can tell; it’s a helluva’ lot better than it’s predecessor.
Despite tokusatsu film’s tendency to seem phoned-in when it comes to film adaptations of TV series, (especially in regards to sequels) I can honestly say that, even at a glance; the production art and character designs for Ultraman Zero had a level of investment and detail to them that suggest a lot of care was put into the project.
While Mega Monster Battle made use of Tsuburaya’s extensive collection of monster suits previously used in their Ultra Galaxy TV series, I was surprised to note a staggering number unique characters and costumes featured in the promotional material for Ultraman Zero.
In a clever homage to some of the older and more obscure characters in their extensive production history, several of the new hero characters are intentionally designed to resemble said characters.
Combine this, with the director of Ultraman Nexus, (my favorite series) even better effects work, and composer Kenji Kawai, and you have the makings of an Ultra film that I’m proud to be looking forward to seeing.
So what if the acting is shit?
So what if the live-action sets look hokie and cheap?
As long as the movie is competently put together and has an ounce of the spirit that makes Ultraman so special, (as well as a awesome fight here and there) I’ll gladly pony up to see this one.
So, last week I finally got the opportunity to view the trailer for the new live-action Green Lantern movie.
As a huge fan of the comic series and mythos, I must admit; my expectations for this film have been exceedingly high, especially given the marquee names (hint: not Ryan Reynolds) involved in it’s production.
Seriously man, take one of my favorite comics, attach Martin Campbell, the director of GoldenEye, The Mask of Zorro, and Casino fucking Royale to it; and I’m in like fuckin’ Flint.
That being said, despite all the hoopla surrounding it’s release, as well as my aforementioned schoolboy-esque giddy excitement; as promotional materials have continued to emerge for them movie, I’ve found myself growing weary of it’s potential suck-itude.
While it may be unfair of me, especially given the very limited amount of footage and stills that have been released at this point in time, but I can honestly say I don’t really care much for what I’ve seen of Green Lantern thus far.
The art design is flashy, and stunningly well rendered, (Kilowog looks pretty awesome) however it has a realistic quality that doesn’t really gel well with the technocolor sci-fi schlock that we’ve all come to expect from the Green Lantern comics.
The closest example I think of to cite in regards to my feelings on this subject, is that of the design work from the American Godzilla film from 1998, and the live-action Transformer films.
While brilliantly designed, and realized on the screen; the Transformers of the Michael Bay films simply weren’t Transformers as I knew them.
Similarly, the Godzilla of the Roland Emmerich/Dean Devlin, while also hideous; failed to capture my interest due to it’s inability to capture the “spirit” of the character I loved so dearly.
The designs for the Green Lantern movie feel too literal and too organic for what comes to my mind when I think of the comic franchise.
In particular, the design of the Green Lantern “suit,” just seems off too me.
While I understand that the Lantern “suit” is in fact a construct of the Green Power Ring, and for all intents and purposes should appear otherworldly, however it has never appeared this way in the comics.
Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not denouncing the art design of the upcoming film because it is straying off the beaten path; I’m simply scrutinizing it because I honestly don’t like it.
I know, I’m being overly critical; but that’s what happens when you’re as attached to the source material as I am.
As I mentioned earlier, Martin Campbell’s name attached to this movie makes a world of difference, to the point in which it’s difficult to imagine the movie being anything less than stellar.
Seriously man, the dude has a track record.
That being said, while I’ll agree that Ryan Reynolds certainly looks the part of Hal Jordan, and will probably do well in the role; the marketing department made damn sure to make him look like utter shit in the recent trailer.
Speaking only from what’s been shown in the trailer, Reynolds’ Hal Jordan seems just a little bit too much like, well; Ryan Reynolds.
In that sense, I feel it’s worth pointing out that Reynolds’ sharp tongue and particular brand of wit, honestly seem better suited for Deadpool than the Green Lantern.
Hal Jordan’s a dick sometimes, but he’s a dick with a passion for doing what’s right.
In other words: he’s not fuckin’ Van Wilder.
On a closing note, I’d like to point out that I sincerely approve of the casting of Mark Strong as Sinestro, as his powerful voice and cold stare fit well in my mind for the character, but the use of Peter Sarsgaard’s Hector Hammond as a potential main antagonist in the film, just doesn’t seem right to me.
Sarsgaard’s consummately even-tempered demeanor, and downright creepy speech cadence make him a good pick for the role, but it’s the role itself that bugs me.
Green Lantern is a film that challenges CG artists to take the concept of a man that can create anything within the capabilities of his willpower.
In my mind, taking a character with this kind of potential, and casting him opposite a jealous dude with a big head and psychic powers just doesn’t sound all that appealing to me.
Maybe it’s me just wishing we could skip all the origin story bullshit and get right to the cool stuff, like Emerald Twilight and the Sinestro Corps War, but Hector Hammond just doesn’t really do it for me as an antagonist at this juncture.
Here’s hoping they find a way to put Sinestro front and center as the villain, albeit in a sensible and dramatically satisfying manner.
Oh well, this entire article has just been me venting my concerns over what will very likely end up being an excellent movie.
Take everything I said here with a grain of salt, as nearly all of it is just me being a worrywart more so than a dick-faced hater.
SAD SHIT as in The Top 5 Traumatic Deaths in Movies kinda’ SAD.
Please take note that everything contained in this list is a product of the Azn Badger’s childhood; so don’t expect any movies on here to be made anytime past the mid-90′s.
Anyway, let’s get thing’s rollin’, shall we?:
#5. The NeverEnding Story – Artax Eats Some Mud. Check That, A Lot of Mud…
It was long, I didn’t really get it, there was a lot of unintentionally scary imagery, and oh yeah, it was long.
Pictured: One of the INTENTIONALLY scary parts of The Neverending Story.
So long in fact, that I never really finished it as a kid, resulting in me thinking the whole thing ended with the end of the world at the hands of The Nothing.
Pretty fuckin’ sad, am I right?
Thankfully, I went ahead and saw the rest of the movie a few years ago, thusly patching up a few childhood scars in the process.
That being said, while this death doesn’t really count as a death; ’cause if memory serves, Artax is still alive and well at the end of the movie, to the young Azn Badger the fuckin’ horse died in the mud hole.
Anyway, this death marks probably the first and only time the Azn Badger ever felt any sort of emotion in reference to a horse.
It was the fuckin’ kid that got to me, that girlie-boy Atreyu.
Hah! Father Time kicked his ASS!
They’re both standing in them mud, and the fuckin’ kid is blowin’ his lungs out screaming at his fuckin’ horse to “not give in to the sadness of the swamps” n’shit.
Meanwhile, the music is swelling and gettin’ all sad and crestfallen n’shit.
The whole thing was just too much for me as a kid, and for the life of me; I bought into it.
"Artax, you're sinking!" Oh God, make it stop!!!!
While I didn’t really “get” the Neverending Story back then, little episodes like Artax bitin’ the big one stuck with me on a visceral level; in this case, making me very sad.
Fun Fact – The only reason I remember that damn horse’s name is because of his death scene when Atreyu yells it about 50 times.
Repetition: It works.
#4. The Lion King – Mufasa Gets 50,000 Wildebeasts Rammed Up His Ass
Who's featured most prominently on the poster? That's right, MUFASA.
Mufasa was a pimp.
You take the raw power of James Earl Jones’ voice, and transplant it into the body of the biggest, baddest, most pimp-as-fuck lion in all of existence; and you’ve got Mufasa.
"This, is CNN..."
Needless to say, in my youth; Mufasa’s death hit me pretty hard.
As I hope we all know, Mufasa met his fate at the hands of the combined force of a stampeding herd of wildebeast, and the nasty claws of Jeremy Irons.
Wow. Believe it or not, I think Irons just topped himself...
Any less, and I’m sure his pimp-ass self would’ve survived somehow.
Anyway, Mufasa; pimp that he is, rushes headlong into the stampede to save his pussy-ass son, Simba.
'The fuck was up with kid in the 90's anyway? He was EVERYWHERE.
While he is successful in rescuing the boy, Mufasa takes some serious shots from the fuckin’ wildebeasts, the kinda’ hits that would fold a lesser lion in half.
All the while, Hans Zimmer’s music was goin’ crazy, and all the kids in the audience were either pickin’ their boogers, or hoping against hope that ‘ole Mufasa was gonna’ pull through and not fall prey to “Bambi’s Mother Syndrome.”
That’s right Disney, don’t pretend that us kids don’t know about “Bambi’s Mother Syndrome.”
Disney: Teaching kids that their parents are gonna' die.
Just as Mufasa’s managed to escape the stampede for just a few seconds, out strolls his brother; Jeremy Irons.
Slimey prick that he is, Jeremy Irons busts out his freshly manicured nails; and digs them puppies into Mufasa’s paws; but not before saying something creepy and vaguely savage like:
How ironic that the pimpest of all lions would be felled by a bunch of wildebeast AKA the butt of every Discovery Channel predator/prey joke…
To make matters worse, Mufasa’s death has the added impact of having a 40 minute guilt trip attached to it.
Jeremy Irons tells Simba, straight to his face; that the whole thing was his fault.
This of course results in Simba running off into the wild for the next 10 years to eat bugs and talk to clouds.
Talking to clouds: Useful for convincing one's self to go out and kill their uncle.
Oh well, guess we all have to cope somehow…
#3. The Land Before Time – Littlefoot’s Mom Gets Sharptooth-ed
I betcha' this movie wouldn't have done half as well without the T. Rex on the cover.
Come to think of it, while I’m sure how it all worked out, Don Bluth movies were all some of my favorites as a kid.
Not this one though... This one was just plain awful...
While the Secret of NIMH was definitely the cream of the crop, even back in the day, (sword fight!) The Land Before Time had dinosaurs and Spielberg-ian funding, making it a close second.
Although it wasn’t a Disney production, rest assured Mr. Bluth saw fit to work some “Bambi’s Mother Syndrome” into the mix in the form of Littlefoot’s Mom.
Much like the Lion King after it, Littlefoot’s Mother meets her fate partially due to the actions of her son.
Stop smiling, you killed your mother!
In short, Littlefoot and Cera are dickin’ around in the wild, they piss off Sharptooth, Littlefoot’s Mom shows up to save the kids, does so, but is mortally wounded in the process.
Easy to see why, look at that beast! He's a fuckin' Pimp-A-Saurus Rex I tells yah'!
Cue lengthy and heartbreaking death scene wherein parent reminds child that “they’ll always be with them.”
While the actual battle with Sharptooth was awesome to the young Azn Badger, instead of horrifying as it may have been intended to be perceived, the death sequence afterwards was just plain tough to sit through.
Oh no, it's happening again!!!
Even now, I bet I’d have a tough time getting through it without biting my lip or taking a deep breath or 2.
#2. 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea – Captain Nemo Succumbs To His ACTING TALENT
I watched the both of them about a million times, and I don’t think I ever got close to getting tired of them.
While Robin Hood had swashbuckling and and ungodly amount of merry laughter, Leagues had Kirk Douglas and a GIANT FUCKING SQUID.
You have no idea how many times I sat through this entire movie just to get to this part.
The epic-ness of these 2 factors made for one of the single most spectacular and enchanting films of my childhood.
That being said, despite Kirk Douglas’ Ned Land being my favorite character, James Mason’s Captain Nemo was a pretty close second.
SO fucking pimp...
Even as a kid, I loved his pimp-ass beard, and the curious way in which he spoke.
His voice was awesome and all, but I loved the pace of his speech, how it was just a half beat slower than everyone else.
Appropriately, it made him seem enigmatic, like you’d never be able to figure out what he was thinking in a million years if you tried.
Anyway, while 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea was yet another movie that I didn’t quite “get” when I watched it as a kid, Captain Nemo’s death was something that I understood all too well.
As with seemingly all deaths on this list, the music made all the difference.
Captain Nemo is running atop the Nautilus, dodging incoming gunfire from the dudes that want his technological secrets.
He jukes left, he jukes right, and all the while the strings in the orchestra are goin’ fuckin’ nuts.
Suddenly, just as he’s within feet of the entrance to the lower deck of the submarine, his body spasms and the music crashes to a halt with a horrifying *DOOOOMMM!*
No squib, no blood spurt, just James Mason’s ACTING TALENT and the power of a music cue.
From there, the rest of the movie has Nemo, resigned to the fate of his eventual death; lurch and stumble his way through the submarine to a couch next to an undersea viewing window.
Nemo’s last moments are spent gazing into the deep blue that he loved so much.
While the death was pretty epic, it was the initial gunshot that hit me as a kid.
As soon as that music cue hit, my tiny heart sunk down to my toes.
*Sniff!* I honestly thought he was going to make it…
#1. Transformers: The Movie – Optimus Prime Becomes One With The Matrix
FUCK YES.
This may seem like a cop-out to some.
A predictable, bandwagon-y ploy to get the nerds to read the blog; however if any of you genuinely think that, then you obviously don’t know the Azn Badger.
As mentioned several times on this blog, I watched Transformers: The Movie, quite literally nearly every day of my early childhood.
I loved Godzilla movies as kid, but that was because I loved Godzilla as a character.
Man, what I would give to have been one of those kids...
Transformers: The Movie was a case of me simply loving an individual movie more than any human child should.
While I was a little bit too young to have enjoyed the Transformers TV show while it was first airing, The Movie served as my ambassador to the series; giving me a crash-course on the Gen-1 stuff before I even started watching the re-runs.
That being said, the opening battle on Cybertron, that takes the vast majority of the original cast of the show and kills them off in favor of new toys, I mean characters; was truly a thing of beauty.
The battle on Cybertron worked because it had actual stakes.
Lives were lost on both sides of the conflict, such that you truly got the sense that everyone was fair game.
Hell, Ironhide was one of my favorites from the TV show, and he got his head blown off in the first 10 minutes.
"Such heroic nonsense..."
Not only that, Prowl died a few seconds earlier via some hot chili; and Wheeljack, fuckin’ Wheeljack wouldn’t even get the respect of having an on-screen death.
Should probably cut back on those habaneros Prowl...
These were big name guys, characters that were at the forefront of the action in every episode of the TV show, and here they were gettin’ their clocks cleaned in the first 20 minutes of The Movie!
If the battle between Optimus Prime and Megatron at the beginning of Transformers: The Movie is one of the best fights in cinema history, then the death of Optimus Prime is surely one of the most dramatic deaths.
I love the subtlety of the death sequence.
Everyone is gathered around Prime, their facial expressions communicating far more than words could hope to.
Aw, Kup's sad face is sad!
Perceptor, the closest thing the group has to a doctor, presents his diagnosis with a simple:
“I’m afraid the wounds are, fatal…”
With the silence broken, Daniel; the child of the group, is the first to speak his mind:
"Prime, you can't die!"
From there, the whole thing just gets more and more epic.
We have the passing of the Matrix to Ultra Magnus, the not-so subtle symbolism of Hot Rod catching the Matrix, and Optimus Prime just plain being awesome, even as he’s moments from death.
"LIGHT. OUR DARKEST. HOUR."
At the end of it all, the hammer of childhood trauma drops as Optimus Prime’s entire form turns black, a decidedly fatalistic percussive music cue hits; and Prime commits his final act as his head limply turns to the side.
Shit just got real.
That, my friends; is how you kill an icon.
... And thank you Michael Bay for showing us how NOT to do it.
Is it just me, or is there a serious shortage of kung fu/fighting movies these days?
Back when I first started this blog, the genre was swimming with new titles to choose from.
Ip Man 2 and True Legend had just come out in theaters, and Undisputed 3 was out on video around the same time, not to mention a host of other (trashy) fight movies such as Coweb and Bad Blood were making the rounds as well.
Pictured: Industry veteran, Kane Kosugi locks arms with up-and-coming prospect, Jiang Lui Xia. Keep an eye on her, she's pretty talented for an internet star...
City Under Siege: 80% chance of it being "good-bad."
Damn, a lot of “Legend” movies came out in the past year…
Regardless, what happened to all the good fighting movies!?
Even though all of the movies that I just mentioned were released in the past year or so, I think the main reason for my concern/discouragement, is the fact that I may in fact have already waded my way through the vast majority of the kung fu/fighting movies I want to see, leaving me only new releases to look forward to seeing.
You see, quality Kung fu movies are like big budget action films.
At first glance it may seem like there’s a never ending supply of them, however when you take a step and really examine the history of the genre, it becomes all too clear that there really aren’t too many of them.
Did I mention that only about 2% of big budget action films are at all worthy your time? Pictured is a prime example of the other 98%.
In the case of quality kung fu movies though, the main issue comes in the form of there being only a handful of outstanding performers capable of headlining entire films.
Athleticism and martial arts skills are one thing, but the ability to perform convincingly and dynamically on camera is a totally different beast.
Take for example, Randy Couture. Great fighter in real life, TERRIBLE on-screen performer. Acting included.
That being said, there really aren’t that many must-see kung fu/fighting movies, and in my case; I’ve reached a point where I’m running out of new movies to experience.
Sure, there’s the occasional classic that I may have missed and probably should see, (such as the early Sammo Hung flick: The Victim) not to mention there are a few rare and/or elusive films that I have yet to see, (I’m lookin’ at you Merantau and The Broken Path!) but for the most part, I’ve seen the one’s I really wanted to see.
Maybe I was spoiled by Donnie Yen’s blitz of Hong Kong cinema over the past 6 years, but goddamnit; I want a new kung fu movie to get excited about!
Here’s hoping something special happens in the world of kung fu cinema in the next few months, otherwise I swear I’m gonna’ have bust out some faux kung fu moves on some helpless pedestrian just to keep from going into withdrawals…
RANDOM, YET AWESOME, PIC OF BRUCE LEE KILLING CHUCK NORRIS!
In light of yesterday’s Devil May Cry post, I figure it’s appropriate that I take the time to share some of my thoughts on the similar, but also very different game:
Please bear in mind that, as of this post, I’ve only got about 2 and a half hours of gameplay under my belt.
Developed by Sega, and directed by the prolific and uber-talented Hideki Kamiya of the now defunct Clover Studio, as well as the original Devil May Cry fame, Bayonetta is, in a word:
JAPANESE.
Every pixel, frame, word and beat of Bayonetta is absolutely gushing with Japanese zaniness and anime-esque melodrama, such that my first few minutes with the game were almost too much to bear.
The aesthetic is way over-the-top, and the story and characters decidedly tongue-in-cheek, and for the most part, not all that appealing to me from a personal standpoint.
Nope, still not appealing. Goddamn she got a tiny head...
Despite this, I will say this:
The artistic design of the game, while not necessarily up my alley; is actually quite impressive.
The costuming and ornamentation of the character designs, while perhaps a little bit too flashy and intricate for it’s own good, are quite unique and certainly praise worthy.
Huh, this I like. Go figure...
In fact, I could honestly see myself owning a coffee table book of the production materials for Bayonetta at some point.
Anyway, the flashy cut scenes of Bayonetta, (choreographed by the always excellent Yuji Shimomura of Versus and Death Trance fame) annoy me much in the same way that Devil May Cry’s do.
They’re overlong, they often show the characters behaving contrary to how they do in-game, (Anybody at all tired of seeing Dante be invincible in cut scenes, only to be a total pussy in-game? Anybody?) and they feel artificial, like flash for the sake of flash.
Kind of like any movie by:
Pictured: "Flash" incarnate.
I guess the cut scenes just frustrate me because they are actually quite intrusive to the gameplay experience.
Like Devil May Cry, Bayonetta is a game all about action, and when the action is frequently interrupted by cut scenes, showing my character busting out awesome moves that I’d like to see myself do in-game, I get just a little bit frustrated.
Bottom line, 2 hours into Bayonetta, I can’t help but feel that the pacing is not quite up to snuff, as the gameplay seems to come in all too infrequent spurts.
Which brings me to my 2nd, and ultimately far more critical gripe:
Bayonetta’s learning curve is just plain mean.
We're talkin' Kobe Mean Face-Mean!
While the game, like any current gen game, comes with the obligatory introductory tutorial sequence that seems to be essential to the illiterate, non-instruction manual reading gamers of today, outside of teaching you the basic button inputs of the game, Bayonetta doesn’t really teach you how to play the game.
Sure, you can put up a good fight, and sure you know what you’re doing for the most part, but at the end of the day, if you’re playing the game straight through as I am, you’re just not given enough time to get a grip on the gameplay before the game starts tossing you some serious shit to deal with.
"Oh don't mind me, I'm just the first boss. Excuse me while I TOTALLY WRECK YOUR SHIT while eating bagels and lox."
This is coming from someone that utterly beasted half of the Devil May Cry series.
My problem is this:
Bayonetta didn’t give me enough time to warm-up to it.
In the Devil May Cry series, the basic enemies are reactive to your blows, staggering and generally being reduced to punching bags the moment you first lay into them.
This is not the case in Bayonetta.
There is no fodder in Bayonetta.
Nope, none of these.
All of the enemies in Bayonetta are able to put up a decent fight, thusly leaving you with nobody hone your skills on.
Every fight is a desperate struggle.
From what I can tell, my complaint may in fact be a result of me having failed to grasp the concept of the dodge system and the Witch Time AKA Bullet Time mechanic.
I don't care what you tell me man. There IS a spoon, and I'm eating my fuckin' Cheerios with it as we speak. Fuckin' new-age bullshit...
Anyway, at this point, I’m tempted to say I like Devil May Cry 4 better, but I’m only a few hours in, so we’ll see.
I’m still having fun with Bayonetta.
I love the gorgeous presentation and liberal use of the context sensitive button mashing segments.
I’m diggin’ the core gameplay, but at this point I truly do suck at it.
*SPOILER ALERT!* ZERO spoilers ahead in regards to plot details/major events, but most of the match-ups in the fight scenes are revealed below.
If you don’t wanna’ know who’s gonna’ be fighting who, stop reading NOW. *SPOILER ALERT!*
Let it be known, The Expendables is just about the most meat-head centric films I’ve ever seen.
Rest assured, The Expendables is all about suped-up cars, guns, tattoos, armbars, stupid one-liners, and one very gratuitous T&A shot.
Meat-heads of the world unite, the film that shall be your gospel has arrived.
ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE BROCK CHRIST!!!!
Despite my general disdain for the UFC crowd and their, how shall we say, “sensibilities;” I came away from The Expendables feeling pretty good about the whole experience.
The Expendables is, of course; a product of the master of facial paralysis himself, Sylvester Stallone.
Best caricature, EVER.
From what I remember, Stallone pounded out a script for The Expendables almost immediately after his previous film, Rambo; was proven to be a financial success.
The premise of the film is that of the “men on a mission” sub-genre of yore.
Let me just say, The Wild Bunch is one of the best films I've ever seen.
Basically, the plot boils down to a group of heartless mercenaries being sent on a suicide mission to liberate a fictional South American nation, only to discover, through the beauty and courage of a lady freedom fighter; that they do in fact give a shit about something in this world besides money.
"You not EXPENDABLE Rambo!"
While this describes the plot for just about every film in the genre, the one major difference between Stallone’s version and the rest is, of course; the fact that the “heartless mercenaries” in his version, are all played by noteworthy “faces” of action cinema, past and present.
If only it had been a live-action adaptation of Lucky and Wild... Look it up, it's a sweet ass arcade game.
Sure, that movie had Stallone, and Kurt RussellAND Jack Palance to boot, but that doesn’t mean it was even remotely good.
No, The Expendables is not the greatest action movie ever, nor will it remembered alongside any of the true greats of the genre, but that doesn’t make it a bad movie.
On the contrary, I felt it was quite good for what it was.
While the script is utter crap, with most of the one-liners coming across as strained and almost painfully weak, like any good action movie the script is secondary to the action.
Thankfully much of the dialogue in the film is brief, although sometimes the “man speak” quotient can seem a bit overwhelming at times.
Seriously, everyone in the cast of this film make this guy seem straight-up femme:
Anyway, we’ve established that The Expendables, a dumb action movie; has a shitty plot and script.
It’s probably about time I got to talking about something we didn’t know, right?
Let’s talk about how The Expendables fared on the action front.
The action in The Expendables is quite good by modern standards.
It’s violent, chaotic, and often over-the-top, and after the awesomeness that was Rambo just 2 years ago, it’s just about everything I was hoping for in an American action film.
The gunplay is especially over-the-top, with terrific sound editing, and a wonderful sense of “oomph” that is rare among action films.
Trust me, from the first time someone is shot in this film, you know just what kind of movie you’ve gotten yourself into.
Kind of like saying, "From the moment Swayze layed down on the floor and stared longingly at Jennifer Grey, you KNEW what kind of movie you'd gotten yourself into."
Oh yeah, despite it being less brutal and gory than Rambo, the violence level is right up there in Steven Seagal territory in terms of blood-letting.
It should be noted however, that virtually all of the bullet hits are done, not with squibs, but through digital effects.
While this saddened me to some extent, as I figured that if anyone was going to do things “old-school,” it would be Stallone, admittedly it doesn’t do much to effect ones’ overall enjoyment of the film.
Yup, that's violent!
The cinematography in The Expendables is vaguely Greengrass/Bourne-esque throughout i.e. lots of intentional camera jitter, rapid-fire edits, and shakily framed shots, though personally I didn’t have a problem with this.
Bear in mind, I’ve been watching dumb action flicks from the cradle and on, so MTV style editing, and, well, MTV style camera work are nothing new to me.
I think a lot of my non-issue with the cinematography in The Expendables, stems from the fact that I’ve not just been watching action movies my whole life, but boxing, and kung fumovies.
My eyes are trained son, ain’t no tricks out there my eyes can’t see…
It's in the middle, dumbass...
I will say this though, the cinematography in all of the vehicle-based action sequences in The Expendables, is fucking atrocious, and downright frustrating to follow.
Outside of that though, my eyes are trained son…
While I hate to make such a big deal about this one point, I encountered several reviews, including one by a vlogger I happen to trust and admire, Noah Antwiler AKA Spoony, that took offense to the cinematography in this film, so I figure this particular argument deserves some special attention.
Google "special attention," and this is what you get: Red Panda cuteness...
The Expendables is a typical American military action flick.
While there are in fact a handful of protracted brawls between major players in the cast, (which we will get to in a minute) the vast majority of the action in the film is choreographed in such a way that death is dealt swiftly and often.
That is to say, there is not a whole lot of depth or drama to the choreography of the action, both armed and unarmed in The Expendables.
In fact, most of the shots of violence in the film are arranged in such a way that we really aren’t shown a whole of the detail in the various battles that are taking place, but rather just the deathblows in each engagement/exchange.
A movie where every hit is a fatality? Works for me...
Think of it as taking a highlight reel approach to editing a number of fight/action scenes together as opposed to putting a premium on drama or continuity.
The Expendables is a film that often has several skirmishes happening parallel to one another, a fact that necessitates overlap between most of the action in terms of editing, resulting in a film that simply cannotstop to do the proper dramatic justice to any one of said action set-pieces.
While I generally disapprove of editing multiple action scenes together, (see Cradle 2 the Grave and virtually every Michael Bay film ever made) I found the last 30 minutes of The Expendables to be a fine example of how to implement said technique effectively.
Yes, these 2 things go together like Jet Li and DMX. Oh wait...
This leads to most of the fights/gunfights seeming fragmented, and somewhat lacking in coherence, given that much of the cast in this film is past their physical prime, do you really think you’d want to see what these guys looked like without the help of the guy in the editing room?
Speaking of which, let’s take a moment to talk about the fighting element of The Expendables.
The Expendables had a number fight scenes in it, most notably Dolph Lundgren vs. Jet Li, Jason Statham and Jet Li vs. Gary Daniels, Stone Cold vs. Sylvester Stallone, and finally, Stone Cold vs. Randy Couture.
In order, here are my thoughts:
Dolph looked surprisingly spry despite his age.
Sure, the fight was edited to shit, and the framing was frustratingly “off” at times, but the sheer novelty of seeing fuckin’ Ivan Drago go toe-to-toe with Jet Li was enough to keep me engaged.
Dolph employed a fairly linear boxing/kickboxing fighting style of sorts, with most of his punches coming in at straight angles, and more importantly, in bunches.
While the drama of the fight is virtually non-existent, largely due to a few (intentionally) giggle-inducing beats, the scene was good for what it was:
A novelty.
That being said, Jet Li’s performance in the film is rather odd.
Oh wait, this wasn't "odd," this was just "shitty."
His character is legitimately funny throughout, and his physical presence is impressive, but sadly limited.
While industry great, Corey Yuen, is credited as a choreographer for Li’s scenes, sadly the pair isn’t given much screen time to deal with.
Despite this, Jet Li’s performance possesses the grace and flexibility he is known and loved for, though the rapid-edits have the side-effect of obscuring his speed.
Jason Statham’s performance was largely similar to that of Jet Li’s, in that he looked good, but with the “A to C” as opposed to “A, B, C” style of editing, we really couldn’t tell just how good he was.
Oh yes, he's good... NOT GAY.
Having worked with Corey Yuen before, in The Transporter; it’s no surprise that Statham’s movements and execution are pretty much spot on for the demands of his character.
Speaking of “execution,” his character, who displays a penchant for knives in his fighting style, allows Statham ample opportunity to wow with his close-quarters knife work.
Seriously, I haven’t been happy with any of Jason Statham’s performances, physical or otherwise, since the first Transporter movie, but his work in The Expendables, particularly when armed with knives, was downright impressive.
That’s a pretty big fuckin’ compliment coming from me.
ME.
Anyway, Jet Li and Jason Statham’s tandem battle with Gary Daniels was legitimately impressive in a brutal sort of way.
Bear in mind, at this point in the film, (which was easily the highlight of the whole thing for me) Stone Cold vs. Stallone, Gary Daniels vs. The Dudes from The One and War, and Randy Couture hiding behind a bunch of sandbags, are all happening simultaneously.
While it makes me sad to see a talent like Gary Daniels as criminally under-used as he was in The Expendables, I have to admit it was pretty neat to see him be on the receiving end of a martial arts double-team in a military action flick.
The reason I keep emphasizing the word military, is because it implies severity, life and death stakes.
When people fist fight in this movie, it’s not for honor, or glory, it’s simply to make the man standing before them stop breathing and get out of their way.
That being said, Gary Daniels fares about as well as any human would when faced with the prospect of taking on 2 men at once.
That is, unless you’re the Undertaker…
The fight is not so much a fight, as it is brutal beatdown, but like every Steven Seagal fight in existence has taught us, sometimes that’s a good thing.
Moving on, Stone Cold vs. Stallone was probably one of the most glorious “big man” fights I can recall in film history.
With Stallone being over 60, and Stone Cold turning out truly horrendous fighting performances in The Condemned and Damage, I was expecting a sluggish bar room brawl of sorts, but color me surprised when this unbelievable masterpiece of beefy old-guy fighting cinema came rolling around the corner.
The choreography is sharp, with the punches being swung fiercely and often, and Stallone routinely busting out impressive takedowns, and, in particular; one hell of an agile flying armbar.
Yes, one of these.
In fact, my only gripe with this whole fight, is that, again; most of the drama is lost due to the highlight reel style editing.
More specifically, while Stallone’s takedowns and submission holds are impressive to behold in execution, unfortunately there really is no “why” in regards to his implementation of them.
In Flashpoint, Donnie Yen’s grappling and holds had a purpose in the choreography in that they smothered Collin Chou’s superior offense, and thusly turned the fight in his favor.
This man wouldn't do something simply for the sake of flash. No way...
Stallone’s grappling in The Expendables, is the equivalent to watching Jean-Claude Van Damme do a series of his famed slow-motion aerial kicks.
There’s really no practicality to it in the context of the fight, it’s just flash for the sake of flash.
Or in this case, Butt for the sake of Butt...
While it’s a minor gripe, seeing as this has already spiraled into a much more technical and in-depth review than I was initially expecting, I figured I should bring it up.
In one scene, Stallone managed to defy Father Time, and Stone Cold made a believer out of me in regards to his career as an action movie guy.
Which brings us to the last major sequence of manly fisticuffs in The Expendables, MMA legend Randy Couture vs. modern WWF legend, “Stone Cold” Steve Austin.
I’ll just say this:
This fight was made for UFC and wrestling fanboys, and no one else.
First search for "UFC fan," and I got just what I wanted. Thanks internet.
After the terrific spectacle that was, well, pretty much every other fight in this movie, it brought a tear to my eye to see the final brawl in the movie be such a let down.
Randy Couture should not be in movies.
More specifically, Randy Couture should not be in this movie.
Seriously, I’m not even hating on the UFC stuff right now.
I'm not. I swear...
Randy Couture, and more importantly, Randy Couture’s character, could have, and should have been excised from the script, as neither has much of anything to offer.
Regardless, Randy Couture, though a nice guy, and a terrific athlete, is a truly terrible actor, and barely adequate screen-fighter.
Throughout the movie we bear witness to Couture body-slamming and, well, fiercely body-slamming bad guys, sometimes with a mean expression on his face, usually without.
Pictured: Randy Couture's "mean face."
To say that the choreography given to Couture in this movie is limited is like saying Hulk Hogan’s repertoire of wrestling moves was limited.
It’s an indisputable fact.
That was 1 of 3 moves Hulk Hogan possessed over the years.
Personally, I preferred seeing Couture body-slamming people as opposed to, well, just about anything else he did in the movie.
Especially speaking.
Anyway, I don’t want to go into the details of Couture vs. Stone Cold, but I will say this:
It’s not half as good as Stallone’s fight, and Randy Couture is as stiff as mother fuckin’ Frankenstein.
And I'm not talkin' the Bobby D Frankenstein either...
Alright, well I’m officially spent.
I’ve honestly got more to say, but I’m starting to fade, so I think I’m gonna’ try to call it quits for tonight.
The Expendables was a good time, if mayhem, testosterone and explosions are what you’re looking for.
It’s not a classic in the making, but it’s definitely fun for what it is.
The script is ass, though Mickey Rourke manages to carve a soul into the film with one gut-wrenching scene of apparently improv-ed ACTING.
The gunplay is tops, with comparisons to Stallone’s own Rambo in terms of entertainment value,”oh shit” factor, and spillage of bodily fluids of the sanguine (look it up, dumbass) variety, being entirely warranted.
The fighting is difficult to follow for some, (not me) but surprisingly rewarding despite the relatively advanced ages of the majority of the performers.
In all, I had fun with The Expendables, and I’m pretty sure that was the point.
Have fun with The Expendables, ’cause if you can’t, then chances are you’re just being a dick and need to lighten up.
Ip Man was of course the heavily fictionalized biographical account of the Wing Chungrandmaster of the same name.
Goofy lookin' little guy, isn't he?
Taking place in the martial arts hotspot of 1930′s Foshan, the film follows Donnie Yen’s Ip Man as he clashes with rival martial artists, and eventually comes to odds with the Japanese occupying forces.
By "comes to odds with," I mean, "beats the piss out of."
The film had an all-star cast including the likes of Donnie Yen, Simon Yam, Fan Siu Wong, and up-and-comer Xing Yu.
In all, it was a truly great martial arts film, with intrinsic themes like pride and nationalism figuring heavily into the crowd pleasing nature of the story.
Plot Summary:
Ip Man 2 takes place in 1950, some years after the closing events of the previous film.
The story opens with Ip Man, having recently moved to Hong Kong with his family, desperately trying to eke out a living by teaching Wing Chun on a rooftop garden.
Despite posting flyers all over the neighborhood, Master Ip’s school remains empty for some time, to the point in which he can’t even pay his apartment rent.
As fate would have it though, one day an energetic young man named Wong Shun Leung (Huang Xiao Ming) approaches Ip Man and challenges him to a fight, seemingly for no other reason than to satisfy his own machismo.
BORING.
Master Ip handily defeats Leung, eventually converting the would be challenger, to a trusted and loyal pupil.
With Leung’s help, Ip Man’s Wing Chun begins to gain ground in Hong Kong, with many new students showing up every day.
That's right, bow before he wrecks your shit.
Even so, times are tough for Master Ip and his students, as money is scarce, and many of the pupils are unable to pay their dues from week to week.
Despite this, Leung’s fiery nature gets him into trouble with the local Hung Gar school, resulting in Master Ip having to step in and settle things for him.
With his fists.
Upon meeting the Hung Gar master, Hung Jan Nam, (Sammo Hung) Ip Man is told that the local martial arts union won’t allow his school to remain open unless he agrees participate in an old fashioned martial arts challenge.
Master Ip agrees to the challenge, and manages to pass it.
With his fists.
At some point we are made aware that Hung Jan Nam serves as an ambassador of sorts between the martial arts union and the British officials based in Hong Kong.
The British ask Hung to organize a venue and event for a boxing match involving their champion, Taylor “The Twister” Miller (Darren Shahlavi).
The biggest meathead the world's ever seen...
Throughout their dealings however, the British treat Hung, and in fact, all of the Chinese, as secondary citizens, often refusing to pay them or simply not speak with them.
Despite this disrespect, Hung agrees to continue working with the English, as many people’s lives depend on him for income and job security.
The boxing event goes as planned, however at one point, Twister steps into the ring during a Chinese demonstration of martial arts forms, and starts to beat and humiliate the performers.
With his fists.
This of course leads to Master Hung and Master Ip battling Twister in the name of Chinese pride.
Merry mishaps ensue. Roll credits.
The end.
Acting:
As with the first film, Ip Man 2 casts Donnie Yen as it’s main character among an ensemble cast.
While Yen’s acting performance doesn’t really occupy that much of the film’s running time, it really doesn’t need to, as it serves to bolster one of the film’s central themes, namely that of unity.
As in Ip Man 1, Donnie Yen’s performance is calm and reserved for the most part.
In the first film, Ip Man was characterized as being a somewhat eccentric character, an outsider in the eyes of most of his more overbearing peers.
This aspect of Donnie Yen’s performance carries over very nicely from the first film, as the calmness in his performance seems even more genuine given the more energetic atmosphere of the film.
Okay, maybe "genuine" wasn't the right word...
While by no means an amazing performance, Yen does well enough to portray the character as the pillar of strength and certainty that the script demands.
I’ve said it before, I’ll probably say it until the day I die, Donnie Yen is not a good actor.
He’s at his best when he has something to hit.
With his fists.
Pallets work pretty good too I guess...
Sammo Hung’s portrayal of Hung Jan Nam is probably the strongest performance in the film.
Even from a purely visual standpoint, the character is bold and striking, with a very distinct wardrobe, a flashy streak of gray going through his slicked back hair, and a physical presence like no other.
Hah, fat baby...
In dialogue with Donnie Yen and other actors, Hung exudes a strength and forcefulness that suit his character perfectly.
Hung Jan Nam is supposed to be an overbearing, “my way or the highway” sort of character, and Sammo Hung captures this beautifully.
From the perpetually accusatory tone of his voice, to the way his eyebrows go nuts every time he opens his mouth, Sammo Hungs performance is wholly complete and, sadly, painfully outclasses Donnie Yen’s limited acting ability.
ACTING.
Huang Xiao Ming’s portrayal of Wong Shun Leung is comparable to his fighting ability.
He does alright, given that he lacks experience, but there’s nothing really there that sets him apart from any of the other popstars turned actors.
I'm lookin' at YOU Nicholas Tse...
Despite this, given the sharpness to his features, and the cocky sense of youthfulness that he exudes, it’s hard to say he wasn’t well cast.
For the most part, he does well, however the role is very small, with only the most basic of “kung fu asshole” lines in the script associated with it.
The point is, he didn’t really leave an impression.
Kind of like this sack of fuck.
Xiong Dai Lin as Ip Man’s wife, is sadly much less of an element of this film as in Ip Man 1.
In the first film, she was Ip Man’s rock, she was his foundation.
In the early scenes she sort of wore the pants in their relationship, an attitude she was able to portray exceedingly well with her physical stature and rigid body language.
Pants are overrated.
In the latter scenes we got to see the 2 of them suffer together under the tyranny of the Japanese, which she also was able to convincingly.
While she wasn’t at all a major element in Ip Man 1, she felt present for most of the important events in the story.
In the sequel she’s just pregnant scenery.
I wouldn't mind wallpaper that looked like this...
It should be said, that despite having very limited roles, Kent Cheng, Fan Siu Wong, and Simon Yam, all do exceedingly well with what they’re given to work with.
While Kent Cheng and Simon Yam basically play the same cool guys they’ve been playing for years, Fan Siu Wong surprised me yet again with his performance.
The only other movie I’ve seen Wong in was Riki Oh, and while that was fun, it did little to convince me that he had any sort of talent, physical or otherwise.
Then I saw him in Ip Man, as the Northerner Jin Shan Zao, and I was blown away!
Not only could the guy still fight, but his acting was animated and engaging.
In Ip Man 2, Wong is sadly only in a few scenes, none of which contain any fighting, however he leaves an impression with his bold manner of speaking and his wildly expressive face.
Now THAT'S a fuckin' MAN FACE!
One thing worth noting in Ip Man 2, is that the performances for the British characters are downright terrible.
From what I’ve gathered by watching a shit ton of Japanese and Chinese movies over the years, my guess is that actors that speak in English in these films are asked to speak slower than normal so as to allow the theater audience to better understand them or read the subtitles on screen.
Even so, most of the Brits in Ip Man 2, sound both childish and SLOW.
Darren Shahlavi’s acting performance as the villain of the film, Twister, is both embarassing and confusing to watch.
The man seemingly can only speak at one volume, namely shouting at the top of his lungs.
There are times when his character is supposed to be adopting a condescending tone wherein he sounds more like he’s about to cry or throw a tantrum.
Oh yeah, and his resemblance to Hugo Weaving is downright cosmic.
It makes me laugh because the examples pics are horrible, and both guys have the opposite expressions.
In all, pretty much all of the Brits in Ip Man 2 don’t so much as give performances, as they do fulfill every conceivable ugly stereotype of the “foreign white devil.”
Action:
*WARNING, SPOILERS MAY EXIST AHEAD!*
As with the previous film, Ip Man 2 is packed to the hilt with fight scenes of the highest quality.
Unlike the first film however, which took on a darker and more violent tone in it’s second half, thereby causing the choreography to follow suit by making the violence seem more severe, Ip Man 2 remains consistently more vibrant and energetic throughout.
Color Correction: It makes a difference.
In fact, I would feel comfortable in saying that the fight sequences in Ip Man 2 are, in general; better than in the first film.
Much like in the first film, the fights gradually ascend in quality and dramatic relevance as the film progresses.
The first fight in the film, a friendly sparring session between Donnie Yen and Huang Xiao Ming, closely mirrors that of the the opening spar between Ip Man and Chen Zhi Hui’s Master Liao from the first movie.
So when I say "Master Liao" you have no idea who I'm talking about, but when I say "That one guy that got slapped in the throat a shit ton of times" you instantly know? WTF...
Except that the sparring in Ip Man 2 is much faster paced and aggressive in nature.
From the very first fight in Ip Man 2, one can tell that, cinematographically; the choreography is going to be very different from in the first film.
The first Ip Man had a very traditional, “golden age of Hong Kong cinema” kind of style to it.
An example of the differences in cinematography.
Most every fight in the film made liberal use of full body establishing shots and sweeping pans to give a sense of reality and depth to the performances and intensify the drama respectively.
It was straightforward, clean, and every movement was distinct and easy to identify.
Ip Man 2 changes things up quite a bit by stepping up the energy level a few notches and introducing some elements of gimmickry into the mix.
GIMMICKRY.
By “gimmickry” I’m not referring to wires, as those were used to great effect in both films, but rather the use of tighter, and more selective camera angles that typically emphasize specific focal points in the action as opposed to the entire bodies of the combatants.
As a result, many of the fights consist close-up shots of limbs, or chest-up shots that feel a little claustrophobic at times.
The trade-off though, is that most of the fights consist of less posturing, and more balls-out, arms length exchanges.
DREAM COME-FUCKING TRUE.
This is not a bad thing, however it does make for fights where quick cuts are evident, and educated eyes are sometimes required to follow the choreography from punch to punch.
Speaking of punching, the blindingly fast handwork that was used to such stupendous effect in the first film is back and better than ever.
Honestly, to count the number of times Donnie Yen busts out protracted flurries of buzzsaw punches on people in this movie would be like trying to count grains of sand on the beach.
Better pack your sleeping bag kiddo...
Despite this, because of the faster and more elaborate choreography, these flurries seem much more organic, legitimately seeming like part of a larger combination of motions as opposed to a show-stopping finishing move.
In general, the choreography seems to favor motion and activity over individual, flashier strikes.
Example.
It is impressive to note that Huang Xiao Ming, despite being a popstar with virtually no martial arts background, manages to hold his own under the demands of the choreography.
That’s not to say he’s an action star in the making, but among the likes of other fighting popstars like Nicholas Tse, Jay Chou, and Shawn Yue, he did alright.
Despite my praise, Huang exhibits a stiffness that is somewhat unsettling.
Honestly, the man holds his hands up like he’s never done it before, in a mirror or otherwise.
Sammo... How could you let the kid look like such a feeb?
On top of that, his trunk displays little movement, leaving his arms to do all the work for him, causing most of his strikes to seem “hollow” and lacking in power and intent.
He also tends to plant his feet in such a way that it reeks of him being afraid to move and mess up the framing for the cinematographer.
He also seems as times to be trying so hard to remember the steps to the choreography, that he forgets to use his facial expressions to heighten the drama.
He also smells bad.
Nah, I’m just kidding about that last part, I’m sure he smells fine.
Point is, for an untrained screen-fighter, he does just about as well as can be expected, even going so far as to be somewhat impressive during his one-on-one with the Hung Gar student called Kei.
FEEB FIGHT!!!!
Donnie Yen’s fighting performance in Ip Man 2 is nothing short of spectacular.
In the first film, Donnie Yen seemed, in my opinion, to be somewhat uncomfortable with Wing Chun.
I said before, in my EPIC Tribute to Donnie Yen, that Wing Chun uses motions and principles that are contrary to nearly all of Donnie Yen’s previous performances, and in Ip Man 1, this fact was somewhat apparent.
In Ip Man 1, Mr. Yen seemed stiff at times, with some of his blocks and parries coming across as too rigid, and somewhat robotic.
Not only that, but after watching Ip Man 2, his fast hands just plain didn’t seem as fast.
Aw man, that is SO fuckin' slow...
In Ip Man 2, Donnie Yen’s performance is much more fluid and organic, with his repertoire being somewhat bolstered, as necessitated by the faster-paced choreography, and his fast punches coming out in a much more visually impressive circular loop as opposed to the straight punches from the first film.
You can't really see it, but trust me, it's awesome.
Much like in the earlier fights in Ip Man 1, Yen’s movements seem somewhat lax during the first few fights in the film, only to gradually build in momentum until he reaches peak form at the end.
Despite the inherent spectacle involved in watching Donnie Yen fighting 20 men at once in the first half hour of the film, I found his fighting to be in much better form in some of the latter scenes.
The centerpiece of the film is a series of one on one bouts between Donnie Yen, and 3 masters of various martial disciplines, with the last being Sammo Hung.
In addition to this, the fights take place atop a convincingly rickety dinner table surrounded by upturned chairs.
The first of these masters, we’ll call him “Blinks,” utilizes what looks to be some sort of Mantis Style kung fu variant.
His strikes are wild and employ the full force of his body via fancy kicks and aerial maneuvers.
The choreography here is a bit choppy, as Blinks’ movements are a little uncoordinated and not all that convincing when he’s on the wires.
YOU FOOL! How could you let Uncle Cheng back on the wire rig so shortly after his surgery!?
Even so, the fight is bolstered by the use of the table as a prop, as well as a pretty solid piece of music by composer Kenji Kawai backing it.
It should be noted that the soundtrack for Ip Man 2 is spectacular, and really served to dignify the movie despite it’s somewhat silly last half.
Pictured: The silly last half.
The second fight in the table scene is between Donnie Yen and a master that employs what appeared to be some form of Baguazhang.
"Walking the circle"
This particular master’s movements were slicker and more tactile than Blinks’, resulting in a fight conducted at a somewhat slower pace, but with better defined movements.
A highlight of this fight is watching the Bagua fighter show off his limberness and float in and out of stances with an almost otherworldly grace.
"And then, without warning, Uncle decided to up and take a shit, right there on the dinner table..."
Again, the music is great during this scene.
Despite their limited fighting presence in the film, both Blinks and the Bagua fighter come across as extremely animated and well-defined characters that were fun to watch.
“Haha, Sammo Hung gets the big drum.”
That’s what I said the first time Mr. Hung’s music cue sounded and he appeared on screen.
Rest assured, his fighting performance in Ip Man 2 is certainly worthy of the big drum.
Sammo Hung’s first fight is a brief but masterfully choreographed battle with Donnie Yen at the end of the table sequence.
The fight is meant to portray the 2 as being evenly matched, and as such there is no real contact throughout.
Well, aside from maybe this.
The sequence is a prime example of one of my favorite elements of Hong Kong style choreography, namely the complex and fast-paced sparring and handwork.
Nearly every strike launched in this sequence is parried in some way, resulting in intense exchanges within arms reach for nearly entire duration of the fight.
During this sequence, the difference in style between Hung Gar and Wing Chun is evident pretty much from the first punch.
Pictured: The first punch.
Sammo’s strikes are wider, more circular, and ultimately more form based than the relatively straightforward nature of Donnie’s Wing Chun.
In addition to this, Sammo also assumes a number of stances throughout the fight, most notably a horse stance towards the end.
The whole sequence is a delight to watch, with an intense music score, and a balls-out, almost Dragonball Z-esque finale that had me giggling like a 5 year old.
Pictured: The Finale.
The fights in the last half of the movie deal exclusively with Darren Shahlavi’s boxer character fighting against Sammo Hung and Donnie Yen, in that order.
Shahlavi’s performance, as a boxer, is not the best I’ve ever seen.
The man has a pretty good resume for fighting roles in movies, especially in the 90′s, however the only one I know of that cast him as a boxer, was I Spy, which had him facing off against Eddie Murphy.
What, you thought I was fuckin' with you?
The fights in I Spy were a joke.
Sadly, the film was not.
As a boxer in Ip Man 2, Darren Shahlavi’s movements are a little bit off.
His footwork is atrocious, in the sense that he doesn’t really have any.
More importantly though, I think the real problem isn’t any fault of Shahlavi’s, but rather that of Sammo Hung, the choreographer.
Hong Kong style choreography has a look to it, a method to it, that just doesn’t represent boxing very well at all.
It emphasizes wide and showy motions for the sake of making the movements more visible and theatrical, while boxing does exactly the opposite.
Unless of course you're Sakio Bika.
Fast and compact strikes, devoid of wasted motion are the objective in boxing, and as such, it doesn’t translate to choreography very well, Chinese or otherwise.
Not only that, but the parrying and blocking that I love so much in Chinese choreography, is something you just plain don’t see in boxing.
*Sigh* Unless of course you're Winky Wright...
Slipping and ducking are the more common methods of defense in boxing, as opposed to letting your opponent manipulate and displace your hands AKA your only weapons.
Despite his fighting not really having any boxing science to it, Shahlavi’s brawling and overall presence is actually quite impressive.
I felt Shahlavi’s first fight in the film, against Sammo Hung, was actually the better exposition of his skills as a performer.
C-C-C-COUNTER!!!!
The fight is shot in such a way as to spotlight Sammo, however Shahlavi makes a decent impression.
His fighting has a wild intensity to it that’s mostly foreign to Hong Kong movies.
His movements are aggressive and pressuring, with a shit ton of scowling, flexing and grunting thrown in for good measure.
Oh no, he's totally not flexing. Not at all...
His fight with Sammo works, not only because the fighting is good, but mostly because of the drama of the situation.
The idea is that, Sammo does well in the beginning due to his skills, however the inherent physicality of his opponent eventually begins to weigh down on him.
The fight is melodramatic as fuck, but manages to work on a purely visceral level.
Ah wrestling, I can make references to it from just about anything.
The final battle in the film is, of course, a grudge match between Donnie Yen and Darren Shahlavi.
The whole thing is a bloody and melodramatic rollercoaster that leaves you hating the British and loving the fuck out of the Chinese.
Pictured: Why I hate the British.
It’s great fun.
I can’t tell you how much I appreciated it to see Donnie Yen get his face punched in for a change.
Some screen fighters have a tendency to not take hits with as much zeal as they probably should.
This is typically evident amongst “baby face” screen fighters that rarely, if ever, play villainous roles.
This would include the likes of Jet Li, Steven Seagal, and in rare cases, Donnie Yen.
You see that little cut on his forehead? That's the only fuckin' hit he took in this entire epic fuckin' fight!
Ip Man 1 and 2 represented some of the rare instances in which Mr. Yen didn’t really take hits all that well.
Actually, the real problem was the fact that he never really got hit in both movies.
Do you know how many times Hiroyuki Ikeuchi hit Donnie Yen during the end fight in Ip Man 1?
3 times.
*Gasp!* He's got a bloody lip!
Well, thank God for the end of Ip Man 2, ’cause I tell yah’, Mr. Yen takes a whuppin’.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t take his licks half as good as Sammo Hung.
Then again, nobody does, except for maybe Mick Foley.
Mick Foley on the average Tuesday.
The end fight in Ip Man 2 has a very comfortable sense of ebb and flow to it.
Unlike in Undisputed 3, (see review here) where the final fight felt like it adopted the pace it did because it was convenient to do so, Ip Man 2′s fight seems to have been carried out the way it was because it made sense to.
The whole idea behind the fight, I think, is that the physicality of Shahlavi is a constant advantage, while the technical and innovative skills of Donnie Yen’s Ip Man are supposed to be a brief counter to it.
Um, pretty sure he meant to do that. Yeah....
In other words, Ip Man is technically losing the fight throughout, however, whenever he is able to stymie Twister with new angles and techniques, he can briefly turn the tide until Twister figures him out again.
Yeah, pretty sure that's a new angle.
It’s an interesting and artful way to compose a fight that, thankfully, results in something much more than a Rocky IV-esque slugfest.
The final “comeback” sequence of the fight is beautifully edited, and yes, set to a wonderful piece of music.
I won’t spoil the details of it here, but I will say this, it may go on just a second or 2 too long, but it makes a fair amount of sense and is fucking awesome to watch, so it gets a thumbs up from me.
Seriously, if I had been in the theater for the big climax of Ip Man 2, I’d probably be yelling, “FUCK YEAH!”
Oh well, why not....
Ip Man 2 is not as good as it’s predecessor.
What begins as a traditional martial arts film, quickly devolves into a shameless rip-off of Rocky IV.
That’s not to say it’s not an enjoyable film.
I found most of the performances to be very good, and the fights were downright amazing at times.
The difference between the 2 films, is that Ip Man 1 had a great deal of heart, while it’s sequel attempts to artificially manufacture it by toying with our basest of emotions.
Even so, Chinese melodrama and nationalism has a way of pushing just the right buttons for me, and in the case of Ip Man 2, it worked.
It made me giggle in disbelief at how silly some of it’s dialogue and plot points were, but I bought into it nonetheless.
Even if it’s “heart” is fake, I appreciate that Ip Man 2 at least attempts to have some.
Make no mistake, Con Air is a horribly disjointed mess of a movie.
In other words, Cameron Poe; as awesome as he is, seems dependent on the presence of over-the-top stylings of Trevor Rabin’s orchestral synth-rock music in order to get his swagger on and kill the fuck out of, well; apparently mostly just Mexicans.
Thus begins the awesomeness of MANLY moment #7.
Despite the massive aura of MANLINESS radiating from him during all of this, a couple of the bad guys foolishly step up to challenge The Poe-Dozer.
