*Note: I am aware that they may be better overkills out there, but c’mon; this is Van Damme vs. Ivan Drago we’re talking about…*
Universal Soldier is not a good movie.
Hell, it’s not even a good Van Damme movie.
Despite this, I doubt any of us will forget the supermarket sequence,
or watching Van Damme kick the shit out of truckers for absolutely no reason.
Anyway, this list isn’t about hero worship; it’s about overkill, so let’s get to it.
The overkill in question occurs during the final battle of the film between the 2 crazy, roided-out Universal Soldiers of the title.
Well, maybe Van Damme isn’t, but Dolph is ‘roided out at this point anyway…
Being as this is a Van Damme film, the first half of the fight belongs to the villain.
For several minutes straight, Dolph kicks the ever-loving shit out of Van Damme, making the stunt crew and wire team work for their money in the process.
Unfortunately, just as victory seems certain for the uber-Swede, he makes the BIG FUCKING MISTAKE of diverting his attention to Van Damme’s lady friend in the background.
By “diverting his attention,” of course, I mean “chucking a grenade up her ass.”
There are only 3 things in this world you don’t do when Van Damme’s in town.
First, you never throw white powder in his eyes.
That’ll get you kicked in the head, REPEATEDLY.
Second, you never, never, travel through time without the proper authority.
That’ll get your ass Ron Silver-ed.
And third, you never, ever, EVERRRR, ogle/threaten/rape/blow-up the woman that Van Damme is into, but isn’t actually in a legit relationship with on account of them not fucking, or not having known each other long enough for their feelings to amount to them wanting to fuck.
Seriously Dolph, you were home free until you chucked that grenade up that pretty ladies’ ass…
Not only that, but you know that fire your grenade just caused?
Well, it serves to give Van Damme ample opportunity to stand up heroically in front of it, thereby solidifying this part of the fight as his “comeback moment.”
Needless to say, Van Damme gets back in the fight, managing to land his first noteworthy blows.
Despite Van Damme’s angst/kicking power, there’s still the matter of Dolph’s ‘roid enhanced powers…
Due to the vast disparity in strength levels at this juncture, Van Damme still finds himself on the receiving end of a lot of downright silly Full Metal Jacket-esque taunts, in between eating a lot of Swedish knuckle-sandwiches, of course.
In fact, Dolph puts even his ass through a wall at one point.
No matter, Van Damme is in “comeback mode” at this point, thereby making any attacks only serve to enhance, rather than deplete his Belgian man-strength.
At some point, Van Damme manages to snatch an extra syringe of ‘roids off of Dolph’s tactical vest.
Now, these ‘roids have to be just about the fastest acting chemical substance found on this Earth, as after no more than 5 seconds, Van Damme’s strength level seems to shoot right past ‘ole Dolph.
With that, Dolph’s days of landing noteworthy blows, or even trying to defend himself come to an end, as things may as well have just shifted from the traditional martial arts movie “comeback mode,” to “Van Damme kicks people in the face mode.”
Needless to say, Dolph gets shown all 4 corners of the, uh, barn; and then some.
It all comes to a head when Van Damme gets a hold of Dolph and decides to throw technique and variation out the window in favor of throwing the same punch about 50 billion times.
Seriously, virtually every drop of blood, and every bruise inflicted on the giga-Swede in this fight were the product of said punches, and seemingly nothing else.
Anyway, the Van Damminator gets his first bit of revenge by putting Dolph through a wall, thusly bringing the fight back outside into the rain.
Anyway, mass face-kicking ensues, resulting in Dolph falling backwards onto a harvester, and the true beginning to our #7 best overkill.
Here are the results of said fall:
Wow, that’s a lot of holes!
As one would expect, Dolph doesn’t get up from that one.
Well, not in the traditional sense anyway.
Anyway, with his un-impaled hand, Dolph grabs hold of the back of Van Damme’s head, and in one final attempt to finally make our hero a “dead soldier,” tries to pull Van Damme’s face into the harvester blade protruding from his own chest.
If that’s not savage, I don’t know what is.
Unfortunately, Van Damme still has some of that ‘roid sauce in his blood, thusly allowing him to deftly snap the big Swede’s forearm out of place.
Being as Dolph is still impaled and stuck to the harvester blades, and now has no operational limbs, I’d say his threat level just dropped to zero.
Even so, Van Damme doesn’t like loose ends, so being as this is a 90′s action flick, he runs on over to the power switch for the harvester, and unflinchingly turns that sucker on!
While we aren’t treated to the gloriously gory details of the Swedish slice-o-matic extravaganza,, we do bear witness to a tasty little tidbit of the carnage in the form of a shot of the harvester’s expulsion duct blowing bits and chunks of Dolph out into the night sky.
Rest assured, the next harvest on this particular farm will grow inordinately large and blond from the trickle-down effect of laying Dolph’s liquified form onto the fields…
Oh yeah, and it turns out the chick didn’t get blown up.