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Let’s Look at Comics: Avengers West Coast #99 – Time To Kill

It's never a good sign when one of the characters on the cover is colored incorrectly... The guy on the left is supposed to be green.

Hello all, and welcome to another exciting installment of Let’s Look at Comics!

Today we’ll be looking at Marvel’s, “Avengers West Coast #99 – Time to Kill.”

For those who are unaware, The Avengers are essentially Marvel’s answer to DC’s Justice League; a team of heroes comprised of their respective universes most powerful and highest profile characters.

If you don’t know what the Justice League is, then you can consider yourself a waste of flesh, and a waste of my motherfucking time.

Seriously, get the fuck out.

Anyway, The Avengers have always been a fucking deal over at Marvel due to the fact that it’s roster has often included “The Big Three,” AKA Captain America, Thor, and Iron Man.

The basic concept behind the formation of The Avengers was, and always will be: to give the writers an excuse to play Ocean’s 11 with the Marvel universe.

Don't be surprised if you see this in the theaters 2 years from now.

Nah, just kidding, The Avengers exist to combat threats that no single hero could combat on their own.

Truth be told, I’ve never really been an Avengers fan, largely due to the fact that  the opposition they are required to face in order for the battle to seem at all competitive, are the kind of villains that are outrageously overpowered to the point in which deus ex machina is often required to defeat them.

In all, I’m not really a “team” fan.

The Justice League is dull for the same reasons The Avengers are.

The X-Men are cool, but have the most impenetrable continuity in all of continuities.

The Fantastic 4, well… unless Sue Storm’s wearing her 90’s uniform, I really don’t care.

Oh, 90's character designs, how I miss thee.

Seriously though, I get more satisfaction out of taking a shit than I do reading their stuff.

Getting back on track, at some point during the 80’s Marvel had the bright idea to try their hand at expanding their readership by creating a spin-off series based on The Avengers called The Avengers West Coast.

As is always the case, breaking up the band proved to be a bad idea.

Despite this, DC was kind enough to follow-suit and rip them off a few years later with the launch of their own Justice League spin-off, Justice League International.

Besides Batman, Blue Beetle, and Fate, everybody pictured here can suck a dick. Yeah that's right, fuck you Captain Marvel.

Oh yeah, did I mention that it sucked too?

The problem with Avengers West Coast, and most spin-offs in general, was the fact that the entire premise was based around constructing stories and conflicts using the spare parts of a stronger, pre-established property.

In example, let’s take a look at some members of the West Coast roster:

Hawkeye is alright, seeing as he was a former Avenger and he founded the West Coast team.

Basically, he has no super powers, but he’s a good archer, and oh yeah, he’s a dick, so he gets Ice Man points.

Mockingbird is Hawkeyes’ equally powerless woman.

They fucked, she died, end of story.

War Machine = Iron Man if he shopped at Ross.  Nuff’ said.

U.S. Agent = Captain America if he was in the UFC.

And Spider-Woman, well she’s definitely no Spider-Man, and more importantly, she’s not the sexy Spider-Woman.

Azn Badger likes him some Sexy Spider-Woman…

No caption needed.

With all of that out of the way, I think you can understand when I say that Avengers West Coast was a mediocre team that was involved in mediocre storylines, fighting mediocre villains I.E. The Grim Reaper.

And guess what?

Today we’re gonna’ be taking a look at an issue from one of those crappy stories, so fasten your seat belts boys and girls, it’s gonna’ be a hot time in the old town tonight!

The issue opens with a full page spread of U.S. Agent walking in on a Renaissance fair as he looks for the nearest Honey Bucket.

"Excuse me folks, I was just lookin' fer' the crapper HOLY SHIT!"

Turns out, these Ren fair patrons are in fact the real deal, and as it so happens one of them is choking on some poisoned wine, like you do; served to him by the deadly and beautiful…

… Okay, thanks comic, now I feel kind of dumb for not knowing who that is.

According to my 30 seconds of Google research,

was the daughter of a Valencian noble, who would often marry her off to men, only to have those men meet grisly ends.

That’s the historical version, in this comic she’s just a bitch with a funny hat.

Anyway, after witnessing the wine poisoning, U.S. Agent storms in, bein’ all like, “The white woman done it!  I seen it!”

This of course, leads to Agent having to put the hurt on some Carnies.

Punching people and getting stabbed, that's U.S. Agent in a nutshell.

Or at least trying to.

After a few more panels of Agent beat-down,

saunters up and force feeds him some of her patented poison wine.

NOOOOOOO!!!! DON'T FALL OFF THE WAGON!!!

Cue full-page acid trip:

America: On the dope since.... well, forever.

After that artistically confusing unpleasantness, U.S. Agent awakens in a hospital, delusional and in a state of shock.

I’m sure waking up to this had nothing to do with that:

GOOD GOD RHODEY! Way to give somebody a heart attack!

As is typical of her, un-sexy Spider-Woman has some incredibly deep and thoughtful insights to provide

Yeah, yah' think? Jesus Christ you are un-sexy...

As U.S. Agent gets his bearings, the rest of the Avengers West Coast proceed to spew exposition back and forth amongst one another.

From these exchanges we learn that U.S. Agent got his ass pwned in the previous issue by a nefarious team of villains called the “Lethal Legion.”

Of course, U.S. Agent, being the meathead that he is, decides to throw a hissy fit and begins to argue with Hawkeye.

It's terrible when they fight. Really, they should think of the children.

The Hangman that Agent mentioned above is the ringleader of the Lethal Legion, a third-rate villain that serves as a virtually unbeatable antagonist to our team of super goobers.

After a solid 2 pages of bitching and moaning, and a Cap’n Crunch ad, our story finally picks up again.

But not before serving us with another ad:

I always thought this looked like shit. Anybody seen it?

Following this, our heroes decide to split-up in their search for the Hangman.

Un-sexy Spider-Woman and War Machine set out to investigate a Stella Houston’s beach house, presumably so un-sexy Spider-Woman can find a way to sexify herself.

Upon entering the residence of the Hangman’s former flame, our heroes are greeted by this crazy bitch:

Lose the axe and we'll talk.

Axe of Violence.

Seriously, that’s her name.

Anyway, uh, Ms. Violence tears into our heroes like they were, well, like they were a bunch of mediocre superheroes.

"It'll be okay kids! Just let me stick my finger in there and ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!"

As it turns out, Axe of Violence’s axe is laced with magic which, based on War Machine’s cry of “ARRRRRRRRRR”, seems to be bad news for the Avengers West Coast.

With War Machine proving to be less than helpful, and Axe of Violence proving to be an expert in pun crafting and axe fighting, un-sexy Spider-Woman decides join in the fight by literally hurling herself into the fray.

Un-sexy Spider-Woman used Un-sexy pounce!...

...It's not very effective...

During the confusion that follows, Ms. Violence makes mention of someone named Satannish, a demon who is apparently the true force behind the Hangman and the Lethal Legion.

As War Machine and un-sexy Spider-Woman back Axe of Violence into a corner, she suddenly turns tail and runs off, leaving them a parting gift in the process:

...and shooting NEXT TO HER is supposed to stop her how?

Thankfully, our exceedingly powerful and skillful Avengers West Coast manage to…

Oh, come on!

Jesus fuck, The Avengers West Coast suck-ass…

You see, that’s the fuckin’ problem with these guys!

Someone throws A FUCKING AXE and you don’t even so much as TRY to get out of the way!?

ARRRRRRGH!!! They should call these pansies the fuckin’ Avengers Triple-A…

Why thank you Patrick Stewart, for so perfectly articulating my feelings.

ANYWAY, mental giant that she is, un-sexy Spider-Woman proceeds to diagnose her MAGICAL AXE WOUND as being “not deep” and therefore, not a cause for concern.

With Axe of Violence gone, War Machine and un-sexy Spider-Woman proceed to discuss the Lizzie Borden nursery rhyme and it’s connection to their recently departed opponent.

You know, superhero stuff.

With that, we head on over to the Hangman’s former residence, where Hawkeye and the Scarlet Witch are poking around for clues.

Unfortunately, that crazy bitch,

decides to show up and make things difficult for our heroes.

Although I must say, she must’ve spent the past couple of days gettin’ Smurf STDs, ’cause she’s lookin’ a little, well, blue.

Goddamn Smurfette, why you gotta' be all violent n'shit?

Fortunately, she made the mistake of trying to ambush the Scarlet Witch AKA THE MOST BROKEN-ASS CHARACTER IN THE MARVEL UNIVERSE.

You see, the Scarlet Witch’s powers involve probability manipulation, which in comic book terms, translates to BEING ABLE TO DO ANY FUCKING THING SHE WANTS.

In this case however, the writer was kind enough to tone down her powers so as to make her opponent seem to be a credible threat.

Smurfs fear but two things in this world: Doors, and Capitalism.

Trust me, you don’t wanna’ see what kind of stupid shit happens when the writers go nuts with the Scarlet Witch’s powers *cough!* House of M *cough!*

With Hawkeye’s help, (Haha! Yeah, sure…) the Scarlet Witch manages to subdue the Smurfette, however, before they can question her, the Hangman decides to crash the party by snagging Hawkeye with his noose.

Thank God somebody shut him up.

Not only that, but he takes the time to show the Scarlet Witch who wears the motherfuckin’ daddy pants.

Replace that "witch" with something a little more colorful, and we'll be in business.

With that, Hangman makes his way out the nearby window, an action that Hawkeye’s neck definitely would not appreciate.

*Ahem!* Cue Scarlet Witch and her broken-ass powers, as well as an insane amount of thought bubble text:

Come on lady, you can restructure reality itself, I think you can snap a fucking rope.

Scarlet Witch does indeed manage to literally save Hawkeye’s neck just before it’s snapped in half, whereupon our heroes proceed to ponder over

and her connection to the crazy Smurfette.

I wonder, do these guys ever get tired of being boring and inept?

We then find ourselves back at the hospital, where Hawkeye’s wife, Mockingbird, is checking in on U.S. Agent.

She tries to tell Agent that she’s going to quit the Avengers West Coast in favor of starting a family.

Unfortunately he’s busy downing a protein shake, getting an outlandish tattoo, and hating his father, so her words fail to reach his ‘roided out ears.

Oh yeah, that and some robot fucker named Coldsteel decides to show up.

List Prime Directives: 1. Kick Ass. 2. Chew Bubblegum. 3. Run Out Of Bubblegum.

Well, U.S. Agent and Coldsteel proceed to throw down while Mockingbird hangs back and pretends to be useful.

Yeah, she’s just as worthless as her husband.

During the battle, U.S. Agent comes to the conclusion that Coldsteel and the Lethal Legion are hunting the Avengers West Coast as some sort of competition.

As if to put an exclamation point on his theory, another member of the the Lethal Legion, Zyklon, shows up and proceeds to interfere with Coldsteel’s assault.

Alright, who would you rather fight? The giant-fucking robot, or the flatulent wonder?

During the ensuing chaos, Mockingbird has hallucinations similar to the ones U.S. Agent had earlier, more specifically the ones dealing with Nazi gas victims.

Likewise, Agent appears to have drunk the bong water, again, ’cause he’s seeing things again as well:

Okay........ Josef Stalin everyone!

So, if we are to believe U.S. Agent’s cracked out visions, Coldsteel is Josef Stalin.

Right, then naturally, that would mean that Zyklon is:

Gasp! Heinrich Himmler!

That’s right folks, Mockingbird has a vision of Zyklon actually being Heinrich Himmler.

Before things can get awkward though, Zyklon/Himmler takes Mockingbird hostage, apparently just to piss off Coldsteel/Stalin.

Fortunately, Coldsteel still has U.S. Agent to beat on, so he does just that.

Before things can get out of hand though, War Machine decides to show up and… well, you’ll see.

Damn, and here I thought War Machine was starting to seem kind of worthless...

...Oh wait, he is.

After the dust has settled, the rest of the Avengers West Coast meet up at the hospital.

A shit ton of bitching and arguing follows soon after, with Hawkeye being all pissy on account of his wife getting snatched, and U.S. Agent being all down on himself ’cause he’s finally coming down from his caffeine high.

Eventually, the team get their shit together, and the Scarlet Witch offers to use a tome of deus ex machina to open up a portal to Satannish’s realm.

The fact that the double-size, issue #100 was just on the horizon as this comic was being written, seems to serve as the only explanation as to why the deus ex machina book didn’t come into play earlier in the story.

Anyway, the Scarlet With reads from the book, and un-sexy Spider-Woman once again has some brilliant commentary to offer:

She deserves an award for how dumb and un-sexy she is.

Despite un-sexy Spider-Woman’s doubts as to the deus ex machina book’s capabilities, Satannish is kind enough to promptly show himself, thusly rendering her objections pointless, and yes, un-sexy.

Satannish: As ugly as he is uninspired.

Satannish proceeds to gloat from his twin mouths, calling the Avengers West Coast mean things like “weak”, “dumb”, and “un-sexy.”

When confronted on his motives for kidnapping Mockingbird, Satannish responds with something the lines of :

“‘Cause I’m all ’bout dah’ bitches!”

Anyway, the issue draws to an end as our heroes stand around with their thumbs up their butts, only to have the great lord of the underworld himself, Mephisto, show up and offer his aid in battling Satannish.

Mephisto: Lord of Darkness, and stealer of marriages.

Well, that was Avengers West Coast #99.

Now you finally understand why I don’t read team books. (well, outside of Secret Six and The Thunderbolts, they’re fuckin’ awesome)

They’re muddled, confusing, and more often than not their plots center around watching the heroes get their asses kicked until God himself descends from the heavens and grants them a sudden, and often, unwarranted, victory.

Goodnight ladies and gentleman, I am officially off writing until…. sometime tomorrow morning.

Let’s have one more picture of Sexy Spider-Woman before we say goodnight, shall we?

Filed under: Comics, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best Track in the Game #5: Top Gear

VRROOOOOOOOOOOMMM!!!

TOP.  FUCKING.  GEAR.

To all those that have played Top Gear, those are the only words one needs to say to get their engines going.

I mean, come on!  Look at this brilliant fucking gameplay!:

Well, okay, that was boring as shit, but hey, back in 1992 that was high-fucking tech for a racing game.

As one of the first racing games released for the Super NES, Top Gear has the distinction of being awesome for exactly the same reasons it sucks donkey balls.

At the time of of it’s launch, games in the Super NES library made extensive use of Mode 7.

In case you’re wondering, Mode 7 is that goofy background scrolling effect used to rapidly move the scenery while the foreground sprites remain in place.

Secret of Mana Mode 7. Yes, Secret of Mana was a better game than Top Gear.

Games like F-Zero and Pilotwings relied so much on the creation of Mode 7, that in many ways, they served like retail tech-demos for it.

The only difference between those games and Top Gear however, was the fact that they were good.

Well, that and Top Gear didn’t actually use Mode 7, but give me a break, I felt like talkin’ Mode 7 for a minute.

Anyway, point is:  most Super NES games were good, whereas Top Gear was decidedly not.

Then why is it that Top Gear holds such a special place in my heart?

The first, and for the most part, only time I ever played Top Gear in my youth, was during my days spent over at my cub scout (Den 123, woot!) friend’s house.

This would be the same friend’s house that I used to play Star Fox at.

And no, we didn't look like this. We weren't old enough to have facial hair...

You see, during sleepovers, I had a habit of staying up way later than whoever I was hanging out with.

Basically, whenever my friends would fall asleep, I would set about playing the single-player games in their library.

At my cub scout buddies’ house, said games consisted of Aladdin, Pilotwings, and Star Fox.

Yup, this was me in Pilotwings, only with a lot less "Skydiving", and helluva' lot more "Falling."

When my buddy was awake however, Top Gear was the order of the day.

Part of the fun of Top Gear, at least for me, was the fact that my buddy and I played it, not as a competitive racer, but as a co-operative one.

Like Super Mario Kart, Top Gear utilized a progressive, point-driven tournament system for deciding each players ranking for each of the country/continent based circuits.

Only, without the fun of chucking red shells and bananas at people.

Ooooooh.... You know somebody's about'sta get pwned...

Essentially, coming in first in every race was not a necessity to win the game, so long as the players managed to earn enough points to qualify for the next circuit.

Because of this, my buddy and I would back each other up during every race, bumping CPU drivers off the road and dropping back to concede a first place win in order to keep our point totals in the black.

I remember there was one CPU driver in particular that pissed off my buddy and I.

His name was Richie.

Richie was the CPU driver that would consistently come in first, provided none of the players managed to out-race him.

I always pictured Richie as being some sort of stereotypical blonde Californian asshole, like Ice Man from Top Gun, that one douche in the black SUV in Twister, and, well, let’s just face facts, Richie was Billy Zabka.

Their only weaknesses are: Tornadoes, Kicks to the Face, and Tom Cruise with his shirt off...

Richie was a pain in the ass, but the real source of Top Gear’s difficulty, was definitely the fuel/pit-stop system.

That’s right folks, cars in Top Gear could run out of fuel, and boy I’ll tell yah’, they found a way to make it happen every fuckin’ time.

Eeew.... Wouldn't wanna' get caught in THAT circle jerk...

Pit stops were often times tucked away off the side of the road in such a way so as to make them next to impossible to find.

Or in the case of some people, a little too easy to find.

You see, even though the game offered an onscreen prompt to signal players to the pits, more often than not, players would end up barely missing the turn-off, or barely making it, thusly leaving one in the unsavory position of either being dead on the track, or stuck in the pits at an inopportune time.

The Red Car was lucky enough to make the pits at the RIGHT time. Yeah, I never did that.

I’m pretty sure those bloody pits were the only reason I never beat Top Gear.

From a gameplay standpoint, Top Gear was no Mario Kart.

And that’s saying a lot, seeing as the game was a straightforward racer, with no real complexity to the gameplay outside of the ability to manually shift your car and occasionally use a burst of nitrous oxide for speed boosts.

In fact, probably the deepest part of the gameplay came in the form of picking your car from an assortment of 4.

As a kid, I always played it safe and picked the White Car, ’cause it’s fuel efficiency ensured fewer trips to the dreaded pits.

Nowadays I prefer to pick the Green Car.

That's right, it's fuckin' GREEN! Fuckin' kids, tryin' tuh' tell me it's blue n'shit...

Top Gear’s interface was clunky amid a sea of 90’s clunkiness, with an option screen that required a special touch to properly maneuver, let alone discover.

You press "select" here, just so you know.

Most peculiar was the actual racing interface, as it was perpetually locked in a horizontal split-screen configuration, regardless of the number of players.

During single-player races, the other half of the screen would be occupied by a CPU driver, who, like Richie, would consistently place first unless you beat him to it.

Yup, 'cause that's how I like to play my games. With HALF OF THE FUCKIN' SCREEN devoted to shit that has nothing to do with my car.

Because of the split-screen, slow-down ran rampant throughout Top Gear.

Hell, when going over hills, or through tunnels, the game would chug along at fuckin’ Little Bear speeds.

STILL. FUCKING. SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW.

Despite these flaws, when I was playing it with my buddy, Top Gear was a no-frills racer that was buckets of fun.

All that business aside, you probably wanna’ know what the music was like in Top Gear, right?

Well, get ready for a shocker, ’cause The Best Track in the Game is…

EVERY. FUCKING. TRACK.

Haha!  Didn’t see that comin’ did’ja?

Top Gear has an awesome fucking soundtrack.

In fact, if you’re not particularly attached to the pants you’re wearing right now, here’s a download for the ENTIRE soundtrack.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you though, Top Gear music has been known to ’cause many a man or woman to splooge their pants.

There’s only a handful of tracks to choose from, but every one of them is awesome in that crazy electronic, sped-up Ace of Base sort of way.

From the Title Theme, to every race BGM that follows it, every track is full of fun and excitement.

In fact, I’d go so far as to say that virtually every track in Top Gear is hummable in my book.

Here’s a few standouts, starting with the awesome fuckin’ Title Theme:

Isn’t that just fuckin’ awesome!?
Next up is the “Long” Race Theme:

I call it the “Long” Race Theme because technically none of these tracks have titles, as they are recycled at will throughout the game.
The first time you hear this track is on the San Francisco track, which just happens to be a long ass race, hence, “Long” Race Theme.
Finally, we have the “Night” Race Theme:

It’s technically not used exclusively for night races, but once again, the first time you hear it is in New York, during a night race
Doesn’t it sound remarkably appropriate for a Super NES night race?
Hah, not to spam the Karate Kid references or anything, but I can’t help but draw a comparison between this track and that one song they played during the scene where Johnny and the Cobra Kai show up on the beach riding their dirt bikes.

……Well, now that I’ve heard the whole song, maybe they’re not quite so similar.
But still, that one part, that they used in the movie?  Spot on.

Anyway, that’s Top Gear.  Hopefully I’ll be able to get caught up with my posting tonight so I can get back to making quality posts like this once again!

See yah’ tomorrow folks!

Filed under: Games, The Best Track in the Game, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Must Run, Can’t Write

Sorry everyone, once again I failed to write a legitimate post for the day.

Oh well, too aggravated/mentally fatigued to write, it’s time to go for a RUN.

That's right, fuck y'all!

Nah’, seriously though, I love you all.

That was just the Irish side of me coming out and bein’ a dick, like he does.

Here’s what the Japanese side has to say:

Wah! Hapi, Hapi, Suupaa Fan Taimu! Ii Desu ne!!!!???

… *Sigh* Honestly, I hate them both unless they’re together.

It’s kind of a George, Elaine, and Jerry sort of dynamic.

Example:

Not Jerry 1 and Not Jerry 2 cannot socialize without the presence of a Jerry common to both of them. It's science.

Anyway, time for suicidal run, goodnight all.

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I Have Too Many Gundams…

Today, I began the arduous task of cleaning up my room.

Well, maybe not the whole room, but the closet anyway.

Over the past several years, it has become evident that I simply have too much stuff.

There is a running joke in my family, about how my dad is a pack rat.

It’s gotten to be such a prevalent aspect of our family dynamic, that at one point, my mom and brother pasted a newspaper comic on our garage that pretty much sums up what’ll happen when my dad stops coming down for breakfast:

Bubble: Someday son, this "All" will be yours...

Thankfully, my brother has used his experience of growing up surrounded by this behavior as a means by which to avoid copying it all costs.

I, however, was neither as fortunate, nor as intelligent to take such preventative measures.

Turns out, I am indeed my father’s son.

In cleaning out my closet, I stumbled across a great deal of crap, as well as a few hidden treasures, many of which were originally my brother’s.

An example of the latter being Battle Damage T-800 from Terminator 2: Judgement Day.

"I need yo' clothes, yo' boots, and yo' motah' cycle."

I also found a shit ton of Marvel/Spider-Man action figures.

The Spider-Man cartoon on Fox Kids was kind of a big deal to me way back when.

Anybody Remember Eek! The Cat?

That show was THE SHIT.

From left to right: Jack Nicholson Joker from Batman 1989, Battle Damage Sabretooth, and Super Human Samurai Cyber Squad AKA Gridman.

Among the crap, we’re a pile of Crash Bandicoot action figures.

Honestly, I don’t know why I had these, or ever wanted them for that matter.

Yeah, I was so proud of these, that I took 'em to the Goodwill before I could take pictures of them!

I never played the original Crash Bandicoot, but 2 and Warped were awesome, so I guess that could’ve baited me into wanting the toys, but still, what the fuck was I thinking?

My guess is, it was that goddamn Crash Dance:

I was also fortunate to find my GIGANTIC collection of Megaman X3 gashapon, which has surprisingly managed to remain intact after all these years.

Allow me to be serious for a minute.

From age 9 to 11, I was a sick kid.

I had some sort of inner ear/stomach illness that caused a serious imbalance in my equilibrium, basically making me feel like I was on a boat all the time.

I swear, anybody makes an Andy Samberg joke and ‘imma tear their fuckin’ head off, and shit down their stump.

During this time I would throw up several times a day and generally feel like shit.

I did okay in school, but I was absent a lot.

Because of this, I spent a lot of time at Virginia Mason hospital in downtown Seattle, which was consequently, pretty close to the International District.

Every now and again, my mom would treat me to a gashapon as sort of a “get well” gift.

Even after I got over my illness, I went out of my way to spend my own money on those same gashapon for several years.

The Collection

After negotiating my way around boxes of Star Wars cards and high school logbooks, as well as the occasional rubber band gun, I finally managed to clear a space for my massive tower of plastic bullshit:

Behold, Gundam Tower!

Had I any friends to handle the camera for me, I would’ve stood in the photo to give a sense of scale, but just so you know, that’s about chest high on me.

Oh yeah, and did I mention that Gundam Tower has a sequel?

Well, it does.

Low angle money shot, always good for enhancing the package.

That one is what I call Mini Gundam Tower.

The Gundam Towers have horizontal cousins thought, about 3-4 of them I think.

Fuckin' Gundam Seed... Didn't even like the fuckin' show.

Note the massive number of Gundam Wing models... I wonder, did Azn Badger have Cartoon Network in the 90's?

Okay, maybe that’s more like 5-6, but whatever.

Anyway, this has been a truly pointless post, I’m sorry if I wasted any of your time.

I know I wasted mine this time around.

With that, I leave you with this image of Ultraman Towards the Future kickin’ it with a sumotori:

Damn, they should get these guys on HBO. Be a helluva' fight...

Filed under: Comics, Games, Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Unknown Planet, A Story by Trevor Hart

Apologies to the creators of the Alien movie franchise, for my “it’s not even funny how much of a rip-off that is” treatment of their famous monster.

Also, apologies to the Japanese, for use of the bullshit name “Chiroshia.”

Yeah, ’cause that’s a real fucking word.

Fuckin’ retarded-ass 8 year old Trevor…

I Googled “Chiroshia,” and the first suggested search was the atomic bombing of Hiroshima.

How very odd…

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Toying with Time, A Story by Trevor Hart

Apologies to Capcom for my attempt at ripping-off their Hunter creature design from Resident Evil.

Love that line: “IT’S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNE!!!”

Might have to do an audio recording of some of these stories someday…

Sorry for erratic, half-assed posts as of late, it’s been kind of a hectic weekend.

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The Dig, A Story by Trevor Hart

Note: Many images, concepts and dialogue stolen from Star Wars, Lucasart’s PC game The Dig, and Star Fox are to follow.  Apologies to George Lucas in advance for unauthorized use of the term “droid.”

Deepest apologies to all those that dare read the following.

I know it’s not easy reading a story without any exposition or narration to establish who is speaking, or why.

God be with you, and I’ll see you on the beach.

Filed under: Uncategorized, , , , , , ,

Guilty Pleasure: Aquatic Monster Movies

I have a weakness for monster movies.

I’ve always been fascinated by the technical aspect of producing gore effects in horror movies.

This guy knows what I'm talkin' about...

I’ve always been attracted to that lovely, organic “glow” you find in special effects from 70’s and 80’s sci-fi movies.

No, not THAT glow. But still...

But more than anything, I’ve always been fascinated by monsters brought to life by makeup, man-in-a-suit or animatronic effects.

I’ve never watched a monster movie to be scared by it, rather I’ve spent my life watching shitty, feature-length movies solely with the intent of seeing the title monster come to life in a single, carefully choreographed, money shot.

You know that one scene where Pumpkinhead is stalking the kidthrough the cabin, and then he tricks him into thinking he’s leaving, only to charge back into the room and find him in the closet, baring his teeth in the process?

Trust me, it was awesome, even with the retarded subtitles.

Pumpkinhead was more than a dude in a rubber suit in that shot, he was a real monster to me.

Same goes for the T-Rex when his pupil dilated in Jurassic Park, or when Bruce surfaces for the “bigger boat” scene in Jaws.

This in no way reflects my feelings as to which is the superior film. But, it's pretty fuckin' cool.

Don’t even get me started on Godzilla.  He didn’t have money shots, so much as the suit actor playing him simply was Godzilla in every frame of every shot.

... Apparently, this was true whether the cameras were running or not.

Which brings me to the subject of this post, my ridiculous attraction to underwater monster movies.

Ridiculous because most of these movies suck some serious balls.

Even more ridiculous because this attraction led me to excitedly watch and record god-awful TV movies like, The Beast, Creature, and Gargantua.

Unbelievably, EVEN MORE ridiculous because I remember going to see Sphere in theaters solely due to the fact that one or two frames of a Dragonfish attacking the camera were featured in it’s trailer.

I watched the whole fucking movie for THIS. That, and a giant squid that never appeared on screen...

I’m pretty sure that, after seeing Jaws as a kid, my fascination with aquatic monster movies began with Jaws rip-offs.

Orca was kind of flat, but was saved by the fetus scene a leg-bite, and Ennio Morricone.

Piranha was boring as shit, but had one shining moment when it let all those kids get nipped to bits.

Tentacles was an ungodly suck-fest that the Italian people still catch flack over to this day.

And Alligator… well, Alligator was actually a lot of fun and was one of the more self-aware horror movies that I can recall.

FUCK YEAH!

On a side note, I remember sitting through that boring-ass movie The Deep just because it had Robert Shaw and my dad told me there would be a Moray Eel in it.

Well, I remember lots of diving scenes, and the plot having something to do with an opium cache, but I’m pretty sure I fell asleep before the eel showed up.

Silly dad, remembering movies being WAAAAAAAAAY better than they actually were.

I'm lookin' at you Pope of Greenwich Village...

Despite the fact that nearly all of the movies I just mentioned were downright terrible, I remember renting them as a kid solely because they promised to deliver scenes of an aquatic beast tearing the shit out of people.

Or at least scenes of bad actors pretending to get pulled under water while someone opens up a blood pack beneath them.

In some ways, I think it was the inherently “cheap” quality to these movies that made them attractive to me.

Even as a kid, I knew that the reason you never saw the monster too much in a scary movie, was because often times the monster design wasn’t strong enough to be featured onscreen, in full detail.

As I mentioned before, when it comes to monster movies, especially aquatic ones, often times the monster’s presence in the film boils down to nothing more than a few key shots, and an overall “feeling” throughout the movie.

Well, unless you’re Octaman, then you just parade your monster around in full, head-to-toe glory for virtually the entire film.

Yes, I did in fact capture this from Gremlins 2: The New Batch. I'm a dork, I know.

Because of this, I think, as a kid, I felt like maybe I could make an aquatic monster movie.

I mean, come on, all I’d really need is a big monster head for one or two shots, and a bunch of my friends pretending to get eaten by said head, and I’d be set.

Hell, splice in some underwater scenes from an episode of National Geographic and it could be a classic of the genre.

Of course, even as a kid, nothing is ever that simple in life, and so I never made my monster movie.

Unlike this Nazi sack of shit.

Jaws and it’s clones were the catalyst in sparking my interest in aquatic monster movies, but sadly, they have had little to do with keeping my interest alive.

As I grew older, I came to appreciate the, “oh no, I got sucked under and now my death is symbolized by a billowing pool of blood” less and less.

I wanted more.

I said at the beginning of this post that I was in these movies for the monsters, and watching them come to life.

Well, as it turns out, at some point I came to realize that Jaws clones really were that cheap.

Cheap enough that they let me down pretty much every time the monster showed up for the final reel.

Enter: The successor to the Jaws clone, the Alien rip-off.

ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

In my youth, Leviathan, and to a lesser extent, Deepstar Six, were a big deal to me.

In case you didn’t notice, what with the nods to Jurassic Park, Pumpkinhead, and now Leviathan, I’m kind of Stan Winston fan.

In fact, even as a kid, Stan Winston’s name on the back of the Leviathan VHS was more than enough reason for me to beg my parent’s to rent it for me.

Same goes for Pumpkinhead.

Anyway, Stan Winston-gasm aside, Leviathan was ultimately a shitty movie, but fortunately it had some superb makeup effects to, well, make up for it.

Well, maybe except for maybe this eel thing... Looked kind of ratty...

I remember being creeped out by some of the earlier scenes in the movie, in particular the one where the woman’s hair started falling out, and the one where Daniel Stern scratched the shit out of Hector Elizondo’s arm.

In fact, I remember having to stop the movie during the former for fear of peeing my 12 year old pants.

The creature designs in Leviathan were both imaginative and versatile in the sense that they held up to the demands of the script, as well as that of the camera.

True, creative angles and quick cuts were commonplace during Leviathan, but for what it’s worth, many of the monsters were allowed to be shown off in full body shots, however briefly.

It’s unfortunate that the most impressive creature, the one that kills Ernie Hudson for no reason other than the fact that he’s black and… no wait, that really is the only reason, is only on-screen for a few brief seconds.

You're gonna' have to take my word for it, but it looked better in the movie...

I watched Leviathan, more than once, just to see those last few seconds.

Well, that and "Say, "Ah!" motherfucker!"

Deepstar Six was also a shitty movie, but one that I did not have the misfortune of seeing in my youth.

Deepstar Six came out in 1989, the same year as Leviathan, but with a cast of made-for-TV caliber actors, and a boring, seldom seen monster, it was released with significantly less fanfare.

The monster in Deepstar Six is onscreen for all of about 2 minutes, all during the final act of the movie.

In some cases, delaying the appearance of the monster until the last possible moment can be quite effective, but in Deepstar Six’s case, we spend most of the movie forgetting that the movie even has a monster.

Needless to say, Deepstar Six’s monster, while somewhat unique in that it’s a crustacean, and impressive in terms of size, is ultimately one hell of a let down.

Note that the eyes look like fuckin' smily faces.

The movie’s saving grace is Miguel Ferrer’s performance, as he chews the scenery like a roided out beaver, and is largely the only character with any sort of personality.

Oh yeah, and Nia Peeples was very nice to look at.

Well played Miss Peeples... Well, played indeed.

Now’s comes the part of this post where we get to the actual “guilty pleasure” aspect of my fascination with aquatic monster movies.

Truth be told, I didn’t really like Leviathan or Deepstar Six, I merely watched them far more than any sane human should.

Same goes for Deep Blue Sea.

Just about the only reason anyone remembers, or wants to remember Deep Blue Sea.

No, there is another movie, a different movie, one that doesn’t involve a monster brought to life through practical effects.

This movie, is called Deep Rising.

Behold: The good poster. Much like the bad poster, only not sucky.

Deep Rising is a big, noisy, big budget monster movie directed by a pre-Mummy series Stephen Sommers.

I watched it on HBO sometime in my teens, and I fell in love with it.

The movie has a fairly respectable reputation as a solid 2 out of 4 stars, with Roger Ebert even going out of his way to give it a thumbs up.

Among my circle of friends however, it’s either bitterly hated, or completely unknown.

And if THIS GUY doesn't like it, you know it's crap...

Monster movies were pretty commonplace around the time it came out.

If you were a snooty hipster, you were into Mimic (NOBODY liked Mimic when it first came out.)

Hmm, this looks somewhat familiar...

If you were a dumb shit that liked you some Ben Affleck-sauce in your coffee, you liked Phantoms.

Can't quite put my finger on it...

Oh yeah, they both shamelessly ripped off Scream from 2 years before.

And, if were an idiot like me, you were all about Anaconda.

Pictured: The exact measures that Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay were forced to employ in order to steal John Voight's soul.

Yeah, I’ll understand if you never read this blog again.

Deep Rising, despite having a pretty lame trailer, (my young mind immediately labeled it “garbage” after first seeing the trailer) stood out to me as one of the few “action horror/sci-fi” movies that actually delivered on the promises it’s absurdly long genre title indicated.

It was funny when it was supposed to be.

It was scary at times, especially early on.

And perhaps most importantly, it fooled me by having a monster that was NOT a giant octopus, and was instead something a helluva’ lot more impressive and unique.

I guess I can thank the legendary creature creator, Rob Bottin for that last part.

The monster is sort of a giant sea slug/octopus hybrid.

With teeth.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT.

Which is curious, seeing as the monster is described one that swallows it’s prey whole, and then “drinks” it, consuming all but the bones before upchucking said solid materials.

I appreciate how the process by which it hunts and eats is established early on, and in graphic fashion, thusly setting the stakes and letting the viewer know exactly why they should be afraid of the monster.

Yeah, death by "drinking" is on my list for top things I'd never want to experience.

Don’t let my sucking of the monster’s cock fool you though, Deep Rising is, at it’s core, a Stephen Sommers film, and ultimately devotes most of it’s running time to being “fun” and “kooky” as opposed to “scary.”

Treat Williams, Wes Studi, and that one weasly guy from the Hannibal Lecter movies and Boston Public turned out great performances throughout.

Oh yeah, and Famke Janssen was, of course, fun to look at.

Well hello there, naughty Dutch madam...

Although that other weasly guy, the one that seems to show up in virtually every Stephen Sommers movie, was his usual annoying self.

That ugliness aside, I genuinely enjoy watching Deep Rising to this day, regardless of the dirty looks I get for it.

Sidenote: Jerry Goldsmith’s soundtrack for Deep Rising is pretty fucking good.  If you get a chance, give it a listen.  His work on Leviathan also did a lot to add an element of class to the film.

Filed under: Movies, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Best Track in the Game #4: Jurassic Park Part 2: The Chaos Continues

Yes, I was balancing the cartridge on my fucking foot. I tell yah', it's not easy being unemployed...

Jurassic Park Part 2: The Chaos Continues is a “Contra Clone.”

More specifically, it’s a fairly decent “Contra Clone” that attempts to inject a little depth into the run-n’-gun genre.

Note that I referred to the game as being “fairly decent,” and not FUCKING AWESOME like Contra III: Alien Wars.

No game in the history of Man-Games has "attacked" as "aggressively" as Contra III.

My experience in playing Jurassic Park 2 on the SNES came in the form of a single weekend rental.

I was spending the night at a not-so-close friend’s house.

Yeah, this was back when my mom was still sending me off on “play dates” with kids I didn’t really know too well.

I remember his mom helped us make some Nickelodeon Gak.

Yup, this shit.

I remember feeling bad about making such a crazy big mess of their kitchen.

That and I remember accidentally over-starching my baby blue Gak, rendering it nothing more than a rock hard, plasticky, smelly-ass paperweight.

Oh well, I could still make fart noises with it.  Well, until I accidentally left it out of it’s jar for too long…

Anyway, later that night my friend’s mom took us out to rent a videogame for the night.

Naturally, seeing as Jurassic Park the movie had come out just the year before, and dinosaurs were still the coolest thing going for 7 year old boys, my friend and I couldn’t resist getting our hands on Jurassic Park 2 for a night.

Oh yeah, and keep in mind that neither of us had been allowed to see Jurassic Park in the theater.

This would be our chance to live the movie!

Upon popping the cart in, we were treated to a vividly animated opening cut-scene, complete with VOICE ACTING.

This sequence was pretty impressive when I was a kid, but to look back at it now, as an older and wiser Azn Badger, it’s a pretty impressive technical feat to see high quality voice clips crammed into a tiny SNES cart.

It’s kind of funny, I have a sneaking suspicion that the dude yelling “Go!  Go! Go!!!” is the same voice actor that played Duo Maxwell in the dub of Gundam Wing… and pretty much every animated character from the early 90’s and on.

The voice of a generation... Damn, he's hella' rockin' the "Bret Michaels" look.

Anyway, as I said before, JP 2 was a “Contra Clone” through and through.

It was a co-op, side-scrolling run-n’-gun game wherein player one controlled some white dude in a gray shirt, and player two took control of a brutha’ in a red shirt.

I found out years later that the white dude was supposed to be Dr. Alan Grant.  The brutha’ was just some brutha’ Ocean snuck in there to cover their asses from Affirmative Action and what not.

I guess Dr. Grant spent his time away from Isla Nublar doing some hardcore military training or something, ’cause I was less than impressed by his proficiency in handling the SPAS 12 in Jurassic Park the movie.

That's right, Dr. Grant can't aim worth shit...

Innovations in the gameplay came in the form of a mission select system, a health bar in place of one-hit deaths, objective based levels, maze-like level designs, and a lethal/non-lethal weapon system.

That’s right, the game expected you to tranquilize the dinosaurs so as to preserve that bloody Scot, John Hammond’s, investment.

Oh well, the Mega Buster style Stun Gun was the shit.

That's right Mr. Raptor, you 'bouts tuh' get tazed.

Despite most of these deviations from standard Contra game mechanics being fairly minor, I remember them greatly affecting my experience with the game over the one evening I got to play it as a youngster.

The health bar was a clever innovation in that it gave my not-friend and I the illusion of playing an easier game, one that didn’t punish you for every little mistake I.E. FUCKING CONTRA.

Instead of getting shot dead every time you slipped up, the game would give you some leeway in the form of respawning you at the edge of a pit if you missed a platform, or better yet, giving you some Megaman style invincibility frames immediately after getting hit.

In truth, the health bar served to give us a false sense of security.

Kind of like these.

There were far more opportunities to get damaged in JP 2 than in any of the Contra games released up to that point, resulting in ones’ health bar draining quite rapidly.

On the plus side though, on two-player mode you could transfer health between players to even out both health bars.

Yeah, my not-friend and I had to rely on this trick to get us past, well, pretty much everything, ’cause we sucked pretty fuckin’ hard.

To make matter worse, we found out pretty quickly that you only got one health bar per level.

Good job finding the health kit Dr. Grant. Though I don't think brutha' red-shirt is gonna' make it...

JP 2 differed from the Contra series in that Contra games are about precision, about the memorization and mastery of a series of small scenarios.

JP 2 was more of a reflex game, and a cheap one at that.

Enemies (I’m lookin’ at YOU, yah’ Raptor fucks…) would often run in from either side of the screen at absurd speeds, often times respawning in greater numbers if you were foolish enough to try and run away.

In addition to the dinosaur enemies, there were also a multitude of human enemies armed with a variety of weapons ranging from pistols to flamethrowers.

Oh yeah, and helicopters.

While most of the dinosaurs were manageable for the most part, the humans were truly a pain in the ass.

Many took several hits to take down, and the ones that fired their weapons (yeah, not all of them were smart enough to do that) did so often, and with great accuracy.

Left: An example of normal and competent enemy. Right: An example of a pair of retarded, hoodie wearing joggers that don't know how to shoot.

This is what I meant when I said Contra was about “precision.”

In Contra games, enemy fire was accurate, but largely infrequent, and often pattern-based.

JP 2 puts you up against endless walls of broken-ass fuckers that pepper you to death with fast moving orange bullets.

Either that, or THIS FUCKER throws a grenade in your face when you try to jump over him.

As you can probably tell, Azn Badger wasn’t too good at JP 2 when he was little.

Thank God for the mission select system, otherwise my not-friend and I would never have gotten past the Raptors in the first level.

Seriously, who the fuck thinks to jump over a fuckin’ Velociraptor?

That's right, you can jump over not one, but TWO Raptors!

“T-Rex Carnage” was the first stage I remember my not-friend and I playing.

How the fuck could we not?

Of all the stage titles, it was the only one that promised the appearance of the fucking T-Rex* they slapped on the back of the box.

There was no way we could go to bed without at least getting to see the T-Rex.

It took us a good solid hour of Raptor-Rape before we finally got to see the lizard king himself.

It was fucking crazy.

Well, maybe not as crazy as Mr. Nolte here, but still...

It all starts when you wander off into the jungle, when out of nowhere the game fades up from black and a jeep pulls up alongside you.

Oh yeah, and did I mention there’s a fuckin’ T-Rex bellowing into the air about 10 feet behind you?

Well, there is.

Yeah, if you don’t hop on that jeep you are fuckin’ slow.  Like, Little Bear slow.

SLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWW.....

As soon as you’re on the jeep, the T-Rex gives chase, gaining on you the whole way.

Putting buckshot and 9mm fire into his giant-ass skull slows him down, but as expected, does little to deter his advance.

In the meantime, as this rampaging beast is charging at you full-bore, there’s a bunch of dudes hanging from the trees above you that just happen to be SHOOTING AT YOU.

Nope, still retarded.

Seriously?

There’s a fucking T-Rex on the loose and these guys can think of nothing better to do than hang from vines, directly in harms way, and put rounds in Dr. Alan-fucking-Grant and his brutha’ from another mutha’?

Priorities dudes, get it together.

Just as the T-Rex is within inches of getting his unforgiving jaws on you, the jeep suddenly launches off a ledge and into a pit.

Yeah, that guy in the jeep is fucked.

Yeah, my not-friend and I were just a little preoccupied with getting shot to bits by tree-faggots and, you know, BEING CHASED BY A MOTHER FUCKING T-REX to notice the ledge.

Needless to say, on our first time through, we went down the fuckin’ hole.

On our second time, the T-Rex inexplicably caught up to us and chomped us good.

Kind of like Dagobah Luke Skywalker here.

Yeah, turns out he does in fact catch up to you if you decide to prioritize shooting the fuckers in the trees over the giant fucking lizard.

Finally, on our third time through, we got our shit together and made the epic leap off the plummeting jeep and onto the vines hanging over the pit.

After shimmying across the vine and to the ground just past the pit, we got to see Alan Grant and brutha’ red-shirt whip out their PDA thingies to view this message:


“Unable to stop the T-Rex?”

The fuck kinda’ bullshit is that?

We put EVERY FUCKING ROUND WE HAD into that beast, and it didn’t so much as make him wince!

Are you telling me we were expected to stop that thing?

Well, needless to say, my not-friend and I were none to happy about this, and we promptly reset the game.

Of course, we had no idea that that was exactly how the game was supposed to go, (you don’t fight the T-Rex proper until the latter stages of the game) and because of that, we were determined to play the stage over to see if there was a way to defeat the T-Rex.

Well, naturally we never found a way to beat the T-Rex, but we did find out something silly in the programming of the game.

First glitch I ever knew besides the Double Dragon II helicopter trick.

After you jump off the jeep and onto the vines above, you can still hear the T-Rex roaring after you periodically.

Because we were both upset at our perceived failure, we sat still for a moment, bitching back and forth over what we could have done wrong.

During this time, we let the game sit, unpaused.

After a minute or two, we noticed that the T-Rex’s snout started to appear from the left side of the screen.

Every time it roared, it would inch a pixel or two further into view.

Eventually, a large portion of the T-Rex’s form became visible, and we watched it repeatedly stand and bellow into the sky.

Finally, after several minutes, the T-Rex inched forward so far that it slipped off the ledge and fell straight into the pit below, completely submerging it in darkness**.

Despite this, the roaring persisted.

After seeing that, my not-friend and I burst out laughing.

We proceeded to the end of the stage and got the same bullshit message as before, but in our eyes, in our own special way, we knew we had beaten the T-Rex.

That was the only stage in the game we beat that night.

That being said, The Best Track in the Game is…

Protect the Gallimimus Stage Theme

Why?:

Did you notice how earlier in this post I made no mention whatsoever as to the quality of the music in this game?

Well, I did so for a reason.

Jurassic Park 2 was very much an average quality game, and as such, the soundtrack was nothing to really write home about.

Truth be told, there was nothing really wrong with the quality of the music, it’s just that the soundtrack is comprised of very few tracks, and most of them are very low key and best heard as ambient noise.

JP 2’s soundtrack is not one I would picture myself listening to outside of the context of playing the actual game.

Despite this, Protecting the Gallimimus is a good solid action track, with a surprising amount of dignity and pathos to it.

... Unlike this guy.

The bongo sounding drum beat is energetic and bouncy, while at the same time very organic and very much in line with John Williams’ work on the movie soundtracks, particularly The Lost World.

No, not this piece of shit. Dumb ass...

The music goes very well with the setting and flow of the stage that it occupies, which consequently, just happens to be my favorite stage in the game.

In fact, once my not-friend and I tried it, I’m pretty sure we kept playing it over and over until we passed out.

Basically, the level is a balls-out run through a massive field of death.

Other than the occasional family of Gallimimus running past you, every enemy in the level is a human, making the Uzi and Shotgun your best friends for the duration.

I remember my not-friend and I bursting out laughing every time one of us got trampled by one of the hoodie wearing dudes.

Even more so when one of us got beaned in the face with a gas grenade.

The boss of the level was the big-ass helicopter pictured somewhere above, and just below.

Cuttin' it pretty close there Dr. Grant...

Initially it starts out with a huge cage hanging down from it’s body that it likes to slam into you.

If you somehow manage to knock off the cage, the chopper starts sweeping the area with gunfire and bombs.

Lucky you.

As mentioned previously, my not-friend and I never finished any level other than the T-Rex stage, though we did get to the chopper boss many, many times.

Runner-Up:

Jungle Theme:

Why?:

This is the track heard most frequently in the Jurassic Park 2 soundtrack.

Basically, every time you are in the jungle, (ALL THE FUCKING TIME) this is the music that accompanies you.

Thankfully, it’s a pretty decent piece of music.

In fact, the Jungle Theme is good enough that in some ways I hesitate to call it a runner-up to the Gallimimus theme.

They both use a similar instrumentation, and both have that really slick, almost haunting quality to them.

Both track also share a similar length, with both adopting a number of subtle variations throughout their loops, resulting in extremely long tracks for an SNES game.

I think I hold the Gallimimus theme in slightly higher regard, not only because it belongs to my favorite stage in the game, but because it has a more thematic quality to it.

It is only played at one point in the game, and it’s composition reflects this.

The Jungle theme on the other hand, is what I would regard as sort of a “hub theme.”

There are stages where it is played only for a few seconds, simply because, well, you were in the jungle for a bit, and that’s the music that they play when you’re in the jungle.

Sorry, “Miscellaneous Jungle Music,” guess you lose to Protect the Gallimimus this time.

*SIDENOTE: Personally, I don’t remember ever referring to a Tyrannosaurus Rex as a T-Rex until after the Jurassic Park movie came out, was this an established thing by 1993, or was I just too young and uncool to :

**BONUS: I was lucky enough to find a clip that shows the T-Rex glitch!  When it happened to my not-friend and I it wasn’t quite so dramatic (the T-Rex only fell once), but hey, either way it’s pretty crazy!

Filed under: Games, Movies, The Best Track in the Game, Uncategorized, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

MASSIVE Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend, Part IV

Welcome back everyone, to the fourth and final part of my MASSIVE Scene-By-Scene Summary of Mega Monster Battle: Ultra Galaxy Legend!

Yesterday, things were looking up for our heroes, as we were treated to our first glimpse of the awesome power of Ultraman Zero!

What evil tricks does Ultraman Belial have up his sleeve for our awesome new hero?

Read on to find out!

Let me begin by saying this: Kudos to the people over at Tsuburaya for not fucking up by having Zero fail to live up to his hype.

He does.

And he does it well.

Too well in fact.

You remember in Dragonball Z movie 12 when Goku and Vejita fused into Gojita and flattened Janenba inside of a minute?

Okay, maybe you don't. I do though, so fuck you.

Well, that was awesome because we spent half of the movie waiting for the fusion to happen, and when it finally did, we were treated to the arrival of a character so powerful that he pretty much turned the whole power level spectrum upside down.

Ultraman Zero on the other hand, gives the same impression of being overwhelmingly powerful, but we spend 10 minutes watching him be awesome.

10 minutes is an eternity when dealing with awesomeness.

As was the case in populating a movie with, literally, over a hundred unique monsters, sometimes less is more.

Anyway, personal objections aside, Zero cleans house in epic fashion, taking out all the monsters, and pwning Belial like a little bitch without so much as breaking a sweat.

"SHIENKYAKU!" Brownie points to all those that recognize the reference!

Eventually, Zero blasts Belial with possibly the pimpest Ultra finisher in franchise history, sending him into a volcanic ravine.

You would think that would be the end of the battle, but being as this is an Ultraman movie, Belial decides to come back for one more round by combining the fallen souls of his 100 bitches into a single massive, rod-puppet controlled body.

So rubbery... So very rubbery...

With the arrival of this most impressive super monster, Ultraman Leo and Astra finally decide to show up.

No sign of Ultraman King though, lazy bastard.

Everyone jumps into battle against the largely immobile super monster, launching their respective trademark attacks, and unfortunately inflicting little to no damage in the process.

Oh yeah, you know Dyna tried to put it in his mouth. However, even a dick licker like Dyna couldn’t fit 100 cocks in there at once…

Just when things start to look grim for our heroes, Rei gets the bright idea to use his Battle Nizer to take control of the still functioning Pimp Cane that Belial dropped in his battle with Ultraman Zero.

Apparently, this is what it takes to steal internet from Comcast these days...

Sure enough, the plan works beautifully, and the super monster is thrown into spasms and seizures, as the 100 monsters comprising it’s body begin to rebel against it.

Ultraman Zero approaches the Ultra Spark, (yup, it hasn’t moved since Belial planted it in the ground almost an hour ago) and uses it’s power to transform his twin Eye Sluggers into one of those Klingon blade thingies.

Yeah, this time YOU know what it is, not me. Fuckin' Star Trek, bein' all complicated n'shit...

Following this, Ultraman orders everyone to, you guessed it, use their trademark attacks to distract Belial (he’s mounted atop the super monster’s head) and the monsters so Zero can land the killing blow.

From a distance it almost looks like the end of Ghostbusters...

Cue epic explosion:

Sorry, no George Lucas Special Edition "Vertical Rings" though. Maybe in 20 years.

With that, Belial is finally defeated, and peace restored to the universe.

Ultraman Zero returns the Ultra Spark to it’s rightful place, thereby redeeming his past wrongdoings and freeing the Ultra homeworld from it’s icy state.

"Okay Taro, you can have your ice cream back."

Asuka and the ZAP crew are invited back to the Ultra homeworld for “thank you’s” and mutual, emphatic nodding.

Unfortunately, they aren’t allowed to tour the planet, as apparently the radiation of the Ultra Spark will, well, kill them.

Dyna escorts Rei and the humans back home, and then Ultra King brings our film to an end with a nifty little speech that isn’t all that dissimilar from the one at the end of Starship Troopers.

"They'll fight, and they'll win! Join the Mobile Infantry today! Would you like to know more?"

Oh yeah, and then there’s a last minute reveal where we find out Belial’s still alive and will likely show up whatever Ultra whatsit they decide to follow this movie up with…

But you wouldn’t care about that.

Hope you enjoyed the experience of READING a plotless movie, I know I did.

Hopefully, I’ll never do something like this again, don’t think my brain can take the stress…

Until tomorrow folks!  See you later!

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